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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen do dilemma

266 replies

Soon2bemumoftwo · 13/01/2023 03:15

i am currently a mum to a 21 month old and 2 and a half month old which has its obvious challenges and stresses however recently I got into a discussion with my
husband which has really saddened me and want to know everyone else’s opinion.
Before having my second child my friends began organising for our friends hen do which will take place 4 hours away from
home and over a 3 day period which I agreed to. As it has gotten closer my husband has become anxious about being left with the kids and is now saying he will look after them but believes at 4 months old for the youngest I shouldn’t be going as they are too young to be away from for this amount of time.
I will add he attended a wedding abroad for 4 days whilst I was 8 months pregnant with a toddler to look after at home with no issues and when asked about his friend who also attended the wedding leaving a 2 month old and 20 month old at home he said he didn’t think there was anything wrong with that either as it was a wedding not a just a hen/stag do.

i would love to go spend time with friends and relax a little but now I feel maybe they are too young and I am being selfish leaving them for 3 days….thoughts?

OP posts:
grumpycow1 · 13/01/2023 09:18

Also maybe do a couple of practice runs beforehand (afternoon out e.g.) so DH builds confidence. And have fun! Ignore all the wallies piling on mum guilt 🙄🙄

JinglingSpringbells · 13/01/2023 09:18

Reading this makes me feel I'm back in the Bronze Age (where women stayed in the cave and the men went to hunt for food) - or at least the 1950s.

Unless you are breastfeeding (and OP isn't) then it's fine for a dad to feed and look after a baby of 3 months.

Most of the responses here saying 'I wouldn't leave my baby' are emotional responses from mums who don't want to be separated.

The baby probably won't care at all unless the dad doesn't feed them or change their nappy enough.

If the baby is going to upset (and I doubt there is any evidence of this) then surely it means that dad has been absent far too much and isn't parenting equally.

And, regardless of that, we know it's one rule for him (off on a jaunt when the OP was left with a toddler and almost ready to give birth to this baby.)

Rainydayparade · 13/01/2023 09:22

definitely go and enjoy the break! I would have gone if I had a chance at a girls weekend when my baby was that age. A good opportunity to get a bit of yourself back after pregnancy and the newborn days. Dad needs to step up.

rosegoldivy · 13/01/2023 09:26

PatientlyWaiting21 · 13/01/2023 07:14

A 21 month old and 4 month old is not early days, they aren’t 4 days old.

This thread is so full of guilt tripping and thinking the mum is the superior primary career, dads are also primary carer, they are a parent. It’s nothing short of lazy!

guaranteed all these more holy than thou mothers are screaming “but he never helps/ I never get a break” because you don’t let dads be a dad!!!

I’m out, OP enjoy your “chavvy” weekend 😂❤️

Show quote history

This. With bells on!!!

I went away when youngest was 4months for 3 days and I fucking loved every min of it. Was the break I needed to let my hair down and get a sense of the "old me" back.

Go. Enjoy it. Your DH will survive.

Thighlengthboots · 13/01/2023 09:26

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 13/01/2023 03:26

I wouldn't personally leave a 4 month old for a 3 day piss up either, but if I did make that decision I wouldn't expect their father to be guilt tripping me about it. Especially one who thinks it's fine for men.

Completely agree with this.

diddl · 13/01/2023 09:27

So now he has got time to get used to looking after them both.

I know it's often the case that the woman does more with the kids.

But we don't magically know how!

Mine are adults now but tbh I never really felt that I wasn't just "winging it" for most of the time.

You deal with something at the time-and might deal with it differently another time!

It's not really (imo) as if there are a set of "rules" that can be learnt & followed.

Sounds like a good compromise to me.

And if he wants family help-he can organise it!

MeridianB · 13/01/2023 09:27

Dowhahdiddy · 13/01/2023 03:21

Personally I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my baby when they’re that young.

Same here. My decision would be based on that.

Missing the point but a 3-day hen do sounds so OTT. What happened to a night out?!

OfCourseChangs · 13/01/2023 09:33

I remember going out for an evening when my baby was only 2 weeks old and pumping milk so I could have a couple of glasses of wine I was a bit like a jersey cow with the amount I could produce. Used to fly to the States leaving DH in sole charge, longest trip was two weeks but even I with my quite relaxed attitude would not go away for three days leaving such a small baby.

Newnamefornewyear2023 · 13/01/2023 09:35

FeinCuroxiVooz · 13/01/2023 03:52

i think it depends on how much day to day care your DH is doing already. does he do a significant share of night-waking resettling, bedtimes and daytime care or is all that mostly done by you with only modest support from him? whilst the latter scenario would leave you more desperate for a break, it would mean a much more dramatic break from normality for the kids if mummy disappeared for 3 days, whereas if things are already more equal then there shouldn't be too much problem for daddy to be in charge for a little while. I don't think other people's opinions on this are going to be that helpful for you because each answer whether positive or negative is going to be coloured by the responders opinion on equal coparenting vs a more differentiated split between nuturer/provider roles, and the balance for where you are on that scale is a choice that your OP doesn't touch on at all, but even if it did you'd still get reploes from people with a very different attitude in one direction or the other.

This. At 4 months my DH did very little at night with either of the children. He is very hands on from toddler stage onwards and did lots of daytime stuff but nights were mostly me, up to about 6 months or so.

also, very different being left with a one toddler, even if you were pregnant, than with a 4 month old plus toddler. I’d not have been thrilled about my DH leaving me for 3 days in that instance. Unless I had my sister coming to stay, for example

ReluctantCourier · 13/01/2023 09:36

If you want to go then go- and kudos for knowing your own mind! Mine were bottle fed and I honestly can’t say/remember if I would it wouldn’t have gone- just about to go on a long weekend away leaving an 8yo and a 2yo with my sister though!

What would dad do if you got hit by s bus?! No one is indispensable- if this forces him to figure out how to care for his kids that’s only made your family more resilient

Melloyellow1983 · 13/01/2023 09:36

I think you should go for the whole time!

M103 · 13/01/2023 09:37

He's guilt tripping you. GO, GO, GO if you want to.You need to stand firm to your husband now, o'wise you are setting a bad precedence and you'll end up being the parent that always does the childcare when your husband enjoys life. I wish I had when mine were younger. Very hard to reverse the situation now they are a bit older. Just make sure that baby is used to having a bottle (with whatever milk you choose) from now. It may be difficult with some babies if you start suddenly at 4 months. One of mine was like this.
Enjoy your time with your friends! You deserve it ;-)

Nanny0gg · 13/01/2023 09:37

Ellmau · 13/01/2023 07:34

Glad you've found a compromise that works for you, OP.

Would it not have been possible to take the baby with you, just leaving the toddler for your DH to look after?

I don't think babies are generally wanted on hen-dos

Climbles · 13/01/2023 09:40

If you didn’t want to leave them obviously that would be fair enough but if you’re only going for a night because your DH can’t look after his own children for more than a night then I think you should reconsider.
different people seem to enjoy/need this type of socialising more than others. Personally a good night out is what gets me through the drudgery of every day life. If your DH expects you to cover what little he does when he wants to go away then he should be putting in the hours. Throwing him in the deep end will help him bond and maybe earn you some appreciation for all the work you do everyday.

VioletaDelValle · 13/01/2023 09:45

Seriously go, it'll do you the world of good!

I went on a hen do when DS was 5 months old and it was brilliant.

Pearlygates · 13/01/2023 09:47

Definitely go OP. Enjoy!

CovertImage · 13/01/2023 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

corcaithecat · 13/01/2023 09:47

I can’t imagine choosing to leave a 10 week old baby and 21 month old toddler to go on a 3 day hen do, but if that’s what floats your boat, I don’t see why your husband can’t look after them.

He’ll definitely appreciate you more when you get back!

JussathoB · 13/01/2023 09:47

I am older than most Mumsnetters so I suppose you will think I am from the dark ages. I would not have left my two very young children for a 3day hen do. 3 days is quite a long time for someone who is not the prime caregiver to manage. Also hen dos are not that important. Time for a conversation with DH about his ability and confidence to care for both children if the mother is out or away for a time, and this could be built up gradually for the benefit of everyone in the family. Perhaps OP could go to the wedding if it happens at a more doable time for herself and her family? Also, remember there are often more than one hen do, so there could be another occasion which is easier to manage.

VioletaDelValle · 13/01/2023 09:49

Would it not have been possible to take the baby with you, just leaving the toddler for your DH to look after?

Hilarious .......

sylv165 · 13/01/2023 09:49

Well done @Soon2bemumoftwo for calling out all the awful comments on this thread. Some posters may personally not feel comfortable leaving their baby, but that doesn't mean you have to feel the same. For what it is worth, I left my eldest when she was 4 months old to go on a hen do. Yes I missed her, and yes DH found it challenging. But I still had a lovely time, DH got a new found appreciation of the relentlessness of taking care of a baby, and said baby is now 11 years old and doesn't appear to have suffered any long term trauma as a result. So go for as long as feels right to you, and enjoy it!

ReluctantCourier · 13/01/2023 09:50

@JussathoB your main concern is the other caregiver’s well-being? This is so sodding gendered. I’d bet money that if OP said she was leaving the kids with her mum or sister there wouldn’t be half the crap about ‘oh I simply couldn’t’

Starwarslover · 13/01/2023 09:51

Lots of people commenting they wouldn’t want to leave their children, completely irrelevant as OP wants to go on the hen do. No one seems to take issue with her husband heading off to the wedding though?

Go OP, your husband is the one being selfish not you. Have a lovely time and enjoy yourself with your friends, you’ll feel refreshed after it

StarInTheHeavens · 13/01/2023 09:53

4 months is too young to leave for that amount of time.

VioletaDelValle · 13/01/2023 09:55

4 months is too young to leave for that amount of time.

Says who?