AIBU to not give DH a medal for this shop?

[DinnerThyme]

I love DH more than anyone else on this planet and he's my absolute best friend. He's kind, he's smart, he's interesting, he's handsome, he's witty, he's fun. But, he is completely fucking incompetent and it drives me insane. I have to do everything. Granted, he works very hard, when being micromanaged to the nth degree and would work 24/7 if asked - but, unless given explicitly clear instructions, everything he does just falls apart. It's 10x more work for both us so I don't think it's even "strategic incompetence".

A few months ago, it all came to a head. I expressed how unbelievably miserable it was making me to always have to be the only real adult in the relationship, that his incompetence is hurting me and that he's a grown adult who should be able to cope with all of these things. He fully accepted the problem and the responsibility to fix it. Since then, to my mind, things have not improved enough. To his mind, he has improved and is trying.

He outlined his examples:

• "Offering to help with [an aspect of my job]" - (Essentially, I give a lot of presentations and it's useful to run through those with someone before I give them. For years, when I ask DH, he'll say yes and then try to avoid it meaning that I waste huge amounts of time waiting for him (like "oh, sure, I'll just go to the bathroom and then we'll run through it" - but then he goes off and does something else and doesn't come back so I spent ages waiting for him for no reason). He says that he's massively improved on that - but, to my memory, he's not helped me one single time since the big argument - he's just promised to, which is no change from before. I've said it's fine to say no but he won't, he'll just lead me on. It's worth noting that he has expertise in an area which is why it's useful to have his input and I have expertise in an area of his work and frequently help him out with his.
• "Keeping the house tidy" - We've had to cancel his family coming over twice since the big argument because the house was too messy and I refused to tidy the whole house by myself for his guests. Any tidying he's done has been under explicit instructions from me (literally to the point of "there's some rubbish, put that in the bin", "that's DS's shoe, put that in the cupboard"). When left to tidy by himself, I'll return an hour later and it's literally not tidier - he'll have moved one pile of crap to one place and put another pile of crap where it was. The only exception to this is the dishwasher, which DH insists on doing every single night before bed, regardless of how much actually needs to go into it. To my memory, he's not done any tidying at all without being explicitly asked other than the dishwasher. In fairness to him, he does also do laundry and has some kind of "system" that I can't fathom for where he puts different baskets depending on whether they're clean/dirty/wet/dry and then split by person...I don't understand his system so I don't touch it and leave him to it. It apparently works for him (except on the frequent occasions that he can't find anything, when he's not sure if a basket is clean or dirty and when wet baskets get forgotten about and need rewashing) so I don't micromanage that and just leave him to his chaos "system". He has not swept, hoovered, wiped, mopped, dusted...
• "Taken charge of food deliveries...I did the last one without any support" - He's done two. The first one I sat with him, with a list and told him exactly what to put in the basket, in exact quantities. The second one, I told him some things that were needed (shampoo, conditioner, nappies etc) but left him to it. He bought the non-food items I asked for but, in terms of just food, he bought: sausage rolls, juice, pasta frozen ready meal, smoked salmon, cream cheese, cheddar, apples, crisps, squeezy fruit pouches, bear strawberry yoyos, frozen pizza, curly fries, avocados, milk, bread, bananas. This is to sustain a family of four, for a week. Keep in mind, I can't have dairy so I'm not able to eat the sausage rolls, the pasta ready meal, the cream cheese, the cheddar, the frozen pizzas or the milk. I'm baffled as to how he believes that this is a sign he's done something good. I feel like it's what a 10yo would buy.
• "Dealing with DS and DD issues in the morning (like nappies and feeding) and not just fucking off" - ok, yeah, if one of the DCs need a nappy change or DD is crying for milk and I'm not there then he will now change/feed them instead of waiting for me to come back and sort it out. I'm not sure why that's such a huge win though.

AIBU to expect more "progress" than this in three months? Granted, he has made progress, he did do a Tesco delivery by himself and he does change nappies/feed the baby if it happens right in front of him and he does load and put on the dishwasher. Am I being too harsh?

YABU - He's made some progress so that shows he is putting in effort, stick at it and he'll get there.
YANBU - He's made such slow progress that he's clearly not putting in any effort, cut your losses, he won't get there.

That's ridiculous

How old are your kids? The way your household works sounds exhausting and inefficient tbh. In our house we spend five minutes together on a Sunday morning agreeing what meals we want to eat that week/what ingredients we need plus any miscellaneous things on top we need, nappies etc. I go and buy it, DH puts it away and cooks most of it. It’s easy and cheap as chips.

Re your DH’s tidying - when you go away and come back and you say it’s not any tidier, does HE think it’s tidier? I think there has to be some meeting in the middle if you’ve got really high standards but if he’s just dossing about when he says he’s doing something then that is really contemptuous. Does he see the benefit of a tidy house in the same way you do? What was the interaction between you when his family visiting was cancelled?

Going to go against the majority here and say you are being a little unreasonable (with some things).

1. Presentation stuff - just stop. He has a demanding job as a teacher and probably just wants to unwind when he comes home or busy himself with mundane jobs that don’t require any brainpower. I’d honestly find it very frustrating if my DH regularly tried to do this with me after a full on day at work.
2. Food shop. You are setting him up to fail here if you are the main cook/meal planner. Take this off his jobs unless you provide him with a list.
3. Personally, laundry is my most hated fucking job in the world and it’s never ending and the fact he has taken the reins on it, fab. Leave him to it and if there is anything in particular you need washing for a certain day, do it yourself.
4. All the other housework jobs tbf he sounds bloody useless. All you can do is tell him to let you know when the kitchen is done (for example) then go and inspect and tell him what still needs to be done and just repeat until it sinks in.

The idea that he can’t do this because he’s a teacher is ludicrous. I’m a FT teacher and do all the laundry for me and DC (DP does his own), 90% of the grocery shopping and general running around taking children to activities, childcare and so on. DP does a lot of the cooking but even so I manage to buy a week’s worth of groceries for the whole household!

he did do a Tesco delivery by himself and he does change nappies/feed the baby if it happens right in front of him and he does load and put on the dishwasher.

Dude needs to be on the honours list. A Tesco delivery by himself? Incredible.

happy divorced woman chuckles

What they don't get, can't seem to understand, isn't its not about the dishwasher not being emptied itself, or the shoes, or the empty mugs left on the side... Its the continuous feeling that your time and energy are worth less than theirs.

I agree with this totally. I am certain I have adhd. I have mh issues and dyslexia. Plus manage a few physical health issues. I hold down a full time job plus freelance work. I'm not a parent but do have some caring responsibilities. I also co mange the home and just you know the rest of my life!

Nd could be a cause but yes interesting how many women still crack on when there's these issues.

You need to allow him to fail. He will do this with kids in his classroom, give them some help and then leave them to it and if they don't achieve they have to put up with the consequences. So if he thinks the place is tidy enough for his Mum to visit, then sobeit. She can sit next to the stinking nappy bin and drink out of a dirty mug while you brightly say, "Oh, Keith tidied up specially for you, Mary. Isn't he a treasure!"

You’re a mug.

He won’t change. This obviously works really well for him.

Oh stop it for goodness sake! 🙄

Ugh, this sounds like my DH. Why do so many men get away with this? At one point early in our marriage I was going to counselling for various things including relationship problems (I was then the sole breadwinner, carrying all of the burden financially and mentally of running the household while struggling with severe mental health issues, while my husband lounged around doing FA). My counsellor (a middle aged married woman) helpfully told me that I should write him clear step by step instructions, with diagrams, and create him a tick chart with tasks for each day to 'train him'. Apparently that would take the stress off us both and eventually he might just know that Thursday equals laundry day and how to fold a t-shirt etc without pretty pictures and lots of 'positive reinforcement' when he got things right.

I got a different counsellor after that but my god it was depressing.

Oh yeah - I’d hide in the bathroom too if someone wanted me to listen to their work presentation. That should not be mentioned in the same breath as necessary household tasks.

I don't know how you can be attracted to a man this pathetic tbh! Sounds like having an extra kid.

If he doesn't struggle at work, I'm not buying that he can't do these things.

Oh, god. There are loads of things to do to keep a house and family fed, clean and functioning. Having to teach another adult how to do this is maddening. BUT - if you don't want to feel increasingly maddened and put-upon, worth digging in and having a go.

Personally, I would break down the tasks you want him to do, and do properly, so you don't have to micromanage while it's happening, or weigh in behind him and do it again. So, you could write out a list of tasks like this:

1. Over Sunday lunch/dinner, we meal plan for the week ahead, write the shopping list, order the food - joint effort.
2. Food arrives on x day. On that day, either you or I (whoever is taking this job) clear the out of date food from the fridge, throw it away, clean the fridge, so that either you or I (whoever is taking this job) has a clear and clean fridge to put food away in. Ditto fruit in the fruit bowl that has gone off.
3. I cook each day (if you do) and clear the immediate mess made. You load the dishwasher after dinner. This means you also empty the dishwasher and put away the contents. Wipe down surfaces and don't leave the sink mucky. Add dishwasher tablets and salt to the shopping list as needed.
4. Beds are changed on Saturday mornings. This means we need clean sheets, pillowcases, duvet covers in the linen cupboard. Also towels. Sort the laundry routine so this happens.
5. Bins are collected on x day. We need to have food waste bin, recycling bin, general waste bin and garden bin at the edge of the front garden the night before. We do this after dinner on that night.
6. Hoovering happens on x night/morning. I do upstairs, you do downstairs.

Once you have tasks sorted and written down, you could put it on the fridge next to a calendar/weekly planner. And then you each get on with your agreed tasks, remarking only allowed if they're not done to time so the whole thing gets fucked up e..g no sheets on Saturdays, fridge full of mouldy food when delivery arrives, bins not put out on time.

You may think this is infantilising. I don't care. I'd rather do this than end up in a relationship like my mother's and father's, where she has taken on every decision, micromanaged every action, criticised everything he does until he is utterly passive and hesitant!

Rather than a different husband?

Wasn’t clear if your both working full time or not .
if your at home with the kids ,it all sounds about right .
if your both full time ,then tasks should be split in 2 ,half each

do a rota with daily jobs on ,what definitely need doing
leave space for you both to write your names next to what you want to do ..
that way you both play to your strengths with jobs in the home .
then write your names next to what your doing .
stick rota on wall ,laminate if you have one
if he is not sure want a certain job consists of ,give him benefit of doubt and write it down briefly in bullet points..
then let him get on with it ..
I think I’d stop asking him to listen to your work stuff ,he’s clearly not wanting to do that

He's knowingly offering you the very bare minimum in the hope he'll find the sweet spot where you back off, give up and go back to doing it yourself over time. He sounds like a fucking knob.

This sounds EXACTLY like my wife and she has unmedicated ADHD. Like down to a tee. I thought it was weaponised incompetence but it's definitely not. I laughed out loud when you mentioned the dishwasher because it's the only thing DW copes with and manages without input too! Anything more complicated and she falls apart.

Look into ADHD and if he has it, see if he can be medicated, it makes the world of a difference.

We both work full time. I’m a solicitor at a U.S. firm in London and he’s a teacher in secondary school. I work about 60-70 hours each week but 50% is WFH and 50% in London.

I’m not asking him to do my job for me FFS. His degree was relating to the subject matter for a lot of my work so there are certain aspects where it’s useful to have his input on phraseology to make things sound succinct or express concepts more concisely for clients who are in that field. Due to the nature of the work, he can’t listen to a full presentation or anything like that. Equally, I help him with his job. I used to be a teacher too so he’ll ask for strategies or ideas for certain things and I’ll work on that with him. It’s give and take. As I said, it’s not an issue of him saying no, it’s that he says he’ll help me out and then doesn’t and wastes my time. He’ll say “I’m just going to the bathroom” or “I’ll just grab a cup of tea” or “I’m just going to change my socks” and then I’ll get everything ready and wait around only to go looking for him half an hour later and find him sat texting at the kitchen table or on the phone or reading a book etc.

I didn’t cancel his family coming. He cancelled them coming because the house wasn’t tidy. It wasn’t tidy because I didn’t tidy it for him.

You wouldn't have a conversation about it? It is rude to leave your partner waiting for you if you have no intention of doing something.

@Keyansier go find something better to do. You’re attention seeking in here is ramping up. Do you have a support worker or someone you should call?

@thecaseofthepurplecushion

Is you wife also a school teacher with zero issues at work?

I’m diagnosed with ADHD and ASD. And I barely scrape by on parenting. I constantly forget things. Like I’ll forget one ingredient to a meal….scuppering the entire meal. I just got groceries delivered today and no shit, forgot bread and milk.

I have forgotten to pick up my DC from school various places and had to be called to come and get them. I forgot the parent-teacher conference appointments I had in November so missed that completely. I’ve missed god knows how many dress as a character from a book or bring a £ for charity days.

I frequently forget what bin when…I have two of each because I’m so unreliable.

I need help with my medication otherwise I’ll be like, I’d forgot to take this…..or did I? Did I take it? Or did I not take it? Cannot recall…..

their cashless lunch money account…well I depend on school telling me I’m in debt to top,it up and have to do the forgot password rigmarole every time

I only get by with a detailed rota on a white board that lays out which household chore to do when and then I tick it off when done, then every Sunday, I check and if everything ticked, erase the ticks and start over. We have a family calendar and if it’s not on there, it won’t happen and my DC & DH are responsible for putting stuff on there…I check today multiple times a day.

You do sound very frustrated with him .
im not great at household stuff ,I tend to muddle through
I expect my dh gets frustrated with me
I wonder if he knows your frustration,and it adds to his anxiety..he sounds anxious to me ,anxious to not get things wrong ..
oh maybe I’m seeing to much of myself in things

The carpet?🤔😂

OP he sounds frustrating as hell. Is he this useless at work?