AIBU to not give DH a medal for this shop?

[DinnerThyme]

I love DH more than anyone else on this planet and he's my absolute best friend. He's kind, he's smart, he's interesting, he's handsome, he's witty, he's fun. But, he is completely fucking incompetent and it drives me insane. I have to do everything. Granted, he works very hard, when being micromanaged to the nth degree and would work 24/7 if asked - but, unless given explicitly clear instructions, everything he does just falls apart. It's 10x more work for both us so I don't think it's even "strategic incompetence".

A few months ago, it all came to a head. I expressed how unbelievably miserable it was making me to always have to be the only real adult in the relationship, that his incompetence is hurting me and that he's a grown adult who should be able to cope with all of these things. He fully accepted the problem and the responsibility to fix it. Since then, to my mind, things have not improved enough. To his mind, he has improved and is trying.

He outlined his examples:

• "Offering to help with [an aspect of my job]" - (Essentially, I give a lot of presentations and it's useful to run through those with someone before I give them. For years, when I ask DH, he'll say yes and then try to avoid it meaning that I waste huge amounts of time waiting for him (like "oh, sure, I'll just go to the bathroom and then we'll run through it" - but then he goes off and does something else and doesn't come back so I spent ages waiting for him for no reason). He says that he's massively improved on that - but, to my memory, he's not helped me one single time since the big argument - he's just promised to, which is no change from before. I've said it's fine to say no but he won't, he'll just lead me on. It's worth noting that he has expertise in an area which is why it's useful to have his input and I have expertise in an area of his work and frequently help him out with his.
• "Keeping the house tidy" - We've had to cancel his family coming over twice since the big argument because the house was too messy and I refused to tidy the whole house by myself for his guests. Any tidying he's done has been under explicit instructions from me (literally to the point of "there's some rubbish, put that in the bin", "that's DS's shoe, put that in the cupboard"). When left to tidy by himself, I'll return an hour later and it's literally not tidier - he'll have moved one pile of crap to one place and put another pile of crap where it was. The only exception to this is the dishwasher, which DH insists on doing every single night before bed, regardless of how much actually needs to go into it. To my memory, he's not done any tidying at all without being explicitly asked other than the dishwasher. In fairness to him, he does also do laundry and has some kind of "system" that I can't fathom for where he puts different baskets depending on whether they're clean/dirty/wet/dry and then split by person...I don't understand his system so I don't touch it and leave him to it. It apparently works for him (except on the frequent occasions that he can't find anything, when he's not sure if a basket is clean or dirty and when wet baskets get forgotten about and need rewashing) so I don't micromanage that and just leave him to his chaos "system". He has not swept, hoovered, wiped, mopped, dusted...
• "Taken charge of food deliveries...I did the last one without any support" - He's done two. The first one I sat with him, with a list and told him exactly what to put in the basket, in exact quantities. The second one, I told him some things that were needed (shampoo, conditioner, nappies etc) but left him to it. He bought the non-food items I asked for but, in terms of just food, he bought: sausage rolls, juice, pasta frozen ready meal, smoked salmon, cream cheese, cheddar, apples, crisps, squeezy fruit pouches, bear strawberry yoyos, frozen pizza, curly fries, avocados, milk, bread, bananas. This is to sustain a family of four, for a week. Keep in mind, I can't have dairy so I'm not able to eat the sausage rolls, the pasta ready meal, the cream cheese, the cheddar, the frozen pizzas or the milk. I'm baffled as to how he believes that this is a sign he's done something good. I feel like it's what a 10yo would buy.
• "Dealing with DS and DD issues in the morning (like nappies and feeding) and not just fucking off" - ok, yeah, if one of the DCs need a nappy change or DD is crying for milk and I'm not there then he will now change/feed them instead of waiting for me to come back and sort it out. I'm not sure why that's such a huge win though.

AIBU to expect more "progress" than this in three months? Granted, he has made progress, he did do a Tesco delivery by himself and he does change nappies/feed the baby if it happens right in front of him and he does load and put on the dishwasher. Am I being too harsh?

YABU - He's made some progress so that shows he is putting in effort, stick at it and he'll get there.
YANBU - He's made such slow progress that he's clearly not putting in any effort, cut your losses, he won't get there.

He does not have fucking ADHD.

Ah. I know many teachers (often very good ones) who operate in total chaos

Not necessarily! I mask beautifully at work.

He's taking you for a fucking mug 🤣. Of course he can do those things, he just can't be arsed. If he's a teacher in a secondary school that performs well then he has a relatively good level of focus and organisation.

He's not interested in your work because it's boring and every minute he has to listen to you practicing your speeches is another minute he has to engage his brain with something he's not interested in. (I feel the same when people talk about the more boring aspects of their work, I'm not Alan fucking Sugar, stop giving me your pitch).

The kid and baby stuff - again, he loves them but it's so dull. Nappies, choosing outfits (yawn, he can't be arsed).

Tidying up - boring, he can't be arsed. If he does a shit job eventually you'll stop asking for "help" and he can shirk another responsibility. He doesn't even care enough to pull his finger out of his lazy arse when family are visiting. Instead he'd rather be rude and cancel.

Laundry - that's an easy one cause you get to load the washer and then chill out on your phone for an hour or two while it does its thing. 30 second job. If you forget to dry it then pretend it's part of your "system". Top shirkers trick that one 😉. Same with the dishwasher. It's literally putting things into a box - no thought needed, no equipment needed. Easy peasy.

Food shopping - he bought food that is easy to cook in case you tell him to put the kids tea on and fruit, because then you won't moan that the pizza is unhealthy. The fact he did no shopping whatsoever for you doesn't matter, he doesn't give a shit what you eat. As long as he's got something and he's covered the bases of the things he hears you wittering on about (kids, healthy food, nappies, blah blah) then he thinks he's smashed it.

This man is a lazy fucker. His top priority is his own comfort and wants. Your needs come somewhere way down the line but he'll never admit that to you. ADHD my arse 🤣🤣

Hang on. You’re working at a long hours in a pressured environment at a US law firm.

He has school holidays off. But you’re doing 100% of the household jobs.

He is taking you for a ride my love. How can you respect a man like that?

Yup we do! While we can put bit more effort in at work, it doesn't mean we do absolutely nothing at home unless someone leads us like 4 year old.

But whatever. People sometimes need to find another excuse for uselessness of their spouses (otlr theirs)🤷🏻

He does ask me now about helping with work. That’s the thing. Since a few months ago, he offers to help, I say yes and then he says he’ll be back and doesn’t come back or distracts with something else.

Have you called him out on that when he does it? After all, he specifically promised he would be better about this, in his mind he is better. But if you point out to him that he hasn't kept his promise, what does he say?

If this is how your marriage is, then either change it or get out. Never in a million years would I accept this from my husband.

Also not everything is because someone might have ADHD. Some adults are just useless at being an adult. God knows why, maybe their parents didn't teach them how to be a grown up.

Everything you’ve described sounds like ADHD. Does he start tasks and not finish them, easily distracted, gear changes from one task to another very slowly, have difficulty with initiating tasks, staying on task and completing them, highly unorganised, easily distracted, very interest orientated, has bouts of hyperfocus? Basically, executive functioning difficulties and poor working memory, maybe processing issues too?

I have ADHD and I feel for both of you, you both sound lovely and very loving in your marriage. It sounds like you’ve been very patient with him and have understandably reached the end of your tether. It might not be ADHD of course but maybe have a chat with him and look into it. He may be more frustrated with himself than you are and unsure why he can’t seem to function the way you need him to, but there are ways to tackle this if indeed that is the problem.

He can go to the GP and request a referral. He’ll probably need to write a letter outlining his difficulties. Or you can go for a private assessment which, depending on where you live, is the faster route to seeking answers. Of course, its his choice ultimately but I would say it’s worth a look. I sound like your DH and I am a nightmare and hate myself for it at times.

Anyway, just thought I’d throw that in the ring. Good luck with it all. I hope you figure it out.

How do you know? Granted I don't know either but as someone about to go through full assessment with support from my GP I can assure you the traits he is displaying are common for ADHD sufferers.

Yes. This. DS has Sensory Processing Disorder, executive functioning issues and suspected ADD. This plays out in every single aspect of his life. The big difference is that for the things he really cares about and is motivated for, he can and does put significant effort in to manage it. As a parent, part of my job is getting him to understand that sometimes he has to do this even when it's something he doesn't care about (eg school work). OP's DH is a grown man. If he has ADHD it would affect him everywhere and she would know about it, even if he is able to manage it better in certain situations.

Not necessarily, I know many messy, disorganised teachers

@1hyuny

Not necessarily! I mask beautifully at work.

I'm interested to know more...

Wow. That was long. I'll stick my head back under the carpet 🙈🤣

The tidying thing: I hate tidying and easily create a mess, so (particularly in the kitchen) I say to myself 'find 20 things in the wrong place and put them in the right place'. Then I count. It helps me focus. I know it's something you would do with a five-year-old, but it helps.

@1hyuny

How do you know? Granted I don't know either but as someone about to go through full assessment with support from my GP I can assure you the traits he is displaying are common for ADHD sufferers.

That was my point. You don't know.

He’s not incompetent, he keeps a job down that he works hard at so he’s clearly very competent at work.

He’s lazy and thinks the house work is YOUR problem. You cannot say a man who holds down a presumably successful job can’t keep a house clean? Nothing to do with incompetence

How do you know it's anything to do with his ADHD and not just because he's yet another man, who can't be arsed?

Yes I normally agree but it's already happened on this thread, I wanted to explain to someone who didn't realise this was a pattern, and encourage others to report him. Not on the grounds of just being a total bellend in general, but the blatant trolling with the merailing and aggressive posts.

And I won't be replying if he responds, as like you say, don't give him the attention and let OP have a supportive thread not Fight Club v.828283737

A man who appears to have had not one, but two, successful careers and manages his life etc perfectly well in that context, is not a man who has ADHD or any of the many other excuses posters are making for him.

This is BS. I have ADHD and ASD but had an extremely successful professional career while both undiagnosed and unmedicated. It is a complete myth and the worst sort of ableism to suggest that you cant possibly have ADHD if you have a successful career (or two). It’s the flip side of the ableist view that if you have ADHD then you’d barely be able to hold down any kind of job, and probably be doing poorly in life.

What would you like to know?

Well he obviously isn't going to improve by himself. He has things the way he wants them, why change, even the washing is ridiculous!

I would love to know how the conversation concerning cancelling his family visit went.
He saw the mess enough that he didn't want them to come but is too blind to the mess to actually tidy it? I'm sorry but come on, you are being taken for an absolute ride!

THIS! I've just said this exact thing. But you said it better than I did.

Personally I couldn't put up with an adult being this incompetent. My 12 year old can cook a meal and clean and could no doubt to an online shop if I asked her. However, you love him and you aren't going to leave him so you don't really have much choice other than accept the way he is. You will likely end up becoming very resentful though which will damage your relationship.

This is like deja vu of an AIBU thread a few days ago by unicorninspace "can I do anything to help?"
Have a look there for solidarity. Also if he's a teacher - I assume he can read and organise his work so my book recommendation stands:
"Household management for men"
Early in my marriage I would oft repeat "nothing sexier than a man independently doing housework" and the opposite still holds true: nothing ickier than an adult who won't take responsibility for their surroundings.