AIBU to not give DH a medal for this shop?

[DinnerThyme]

I love DH more than anyone else on this planet and he's my absolute best friend. He's kind, he's smart, he's interesting, he's handsome, he's witty, he's fun. But, he is completely fucking incompetent and it drives me insane. I have to do everything. Granted, he works very hard, when being micromanaged to the nth degree and would work 24/7 if asked - but, unless given explicitly clear instructions, everything he does just falls apart. It's 10x more work for both us so I don't think it's even "strategic incompetence".

A few months ago, it all came to a head. I expressed how unbelievably miserable it was making me to always have to be the only real adult in the relationship, that his incompetence is hurting me and that he's a grown adult who should be able to cope with all of these things. He fully accepted the problem and the responsibility to fix it. Since then, to my mind, things have not improved enough. To his mind, he has improved and is trying.

He outlined his examples:

• "Offering to help with [an aspect of my job]" - (Essentially, I give a lot of presentations and it's useful to run through those with someone before I give them. For years, when I ask DH, he'll say yes and then try to avoid it meaning that I waste huge amounts of time waiting for him (like "oh, sure, I'll just go to the bathroom and then we'll run through it" - but then he goes off and does something else and doesn't come back so I spent ages waiting for him for no reason). He says that he's massively improved on that - but, to my memory, he's not helped me one single time since the big argument - he's just promised to, which is no change from before. I've said it's fine to say no but he won't, he'll just lead me on. It's worth noting that he has expertise in an area which is why it's useful to have his input and I have expertise in an area of his work and frequently help him out with his.
• "Keeping the house tidy" - We've had to cancel his family coming over twice since the big argument because the house was too messy and I refused to tidy the whole house by myself for his guests. Any tidying he's done has been under explicit instructions from me (literally to the point of "there's some rubbish, put that in the bin", "that's DS's shoe, put that in the cupboard"). When left to tidy by himself, I'll return an hour later and it's literally not tidier - he'll have moved one pile of crap to one place and put another pile of crap where it was. The only exception to this is the dishwasher, which DH insists on doing every single night before bed, regardless of how much actually needs to go into it. To my memory, he's not done any tidying at all without being explicitly asked other than the dishwasher. In fairness to him, he does also do laundry and has some kind of "system" that I can't fathom for where he puts different baskets depending on whether they're clean/dirty/wet/dry and then split by person...I don't understand his system so I don't touch it and leave him to it. It apparently works for him (except on the frequent occasions that he can't find anything, when he's not sure if a basket is clean or dirty and when wet baskets get forgotten about and need rewashing) so I don't micromanage that and just leave him to his chaos "system". He has not swept, hoovered, wiped, mopped, dusted...
• "Taken charge of food deliveries...I did the last one without any support" - He's done two. The first one I sat with him, with a list and told him exactly what to put in the basket, in exact quantities. The second one, I told him some things that were needed (shampoo, conditioner, nappies etc) but left him to it. He bought the non-food items I asked for but, in terms of just food, he bought: sausage rolls, juice, pasta frozen ready meal, smoked salmon, cream cheese, cheddar, apples, crisps, squeezy fruit pouches, bear strawberry yoyos, frozen pizza, curly fries, avocados, milk, bread, bananas. This is to sustain a family of four, for a week. Keep in mind, I can't have dairy so I'm not able to eat the sausage rolls, the pasta ready meal, the cream cheese, the cheddar, the frozen pizzas or the milk. I'm baffled as to how he believes that this is a sign he's done something good. I feel like it's what a 10yo would buy.
• "Dealing with DS and DD issues in the morning (like nappies and feeding) and not just fucking off" - ok, yeah, if one of the DCs need a nappy change or DD is crying for milk and I'm not there then he will now change/feed them instead of waiting for me to come back and sort it out. I'm not sure why that's such a huge win though.

AIBU to expect more "progress" than this in three months? Granted, he has made progress, he did do a Tesco delivery by himself and he does change nappies/feed the baby if it happens right in front of him and he does load and put on the dishwasher. Am I being too harsh?

YABU - He's made some progress so that shows he is putting in effort, stick at it and he'll get there.
YANBU - He's made such slow progress that he's clearly not putting in any effort, cut your losses, he won't get there.

This really is the most bizarre thread. OP has, understandably perhaps, taken a step back. But just to reiterate - it doesn't matter what ND conditions he may or may not have, OP, you have every right to expect your partner to be working proactively to solve for significant problems he is causing at home and in your relationship. And if he's not, then you would be better off without him.
Very, very, very well said.

👏👏

The only reason this thread has been derailed is because you’re not hearing what’s being said, despite others calmly repeating it. You seem hell bent on shutting others down.

1. No one on here is saying he definitely has ADHD only that its one of many possibilities and might offer the OP’s DH the chance to address the issues he appears to have so he can be more productive at home and pull his weight properly. This helps both of them.

2. No one is claiming that this is an excuse to not chip in. On the contrary in fact. For the sake of this mans family its vital that he explore this and other possibilities too. And like I and others have said, OP can only suggest this to him, what he chooses to do with that is up to him and will give an indication of how committed he is to dealing with this issue. It’s his responsibility to act, not hers.

3. It’s entirely possible that he’s in some way ND and also lazy / overwhelmed / depressed / anxious / avoidant. None of these things are mutually exclusive. No one is saying they are. But if theres some ND at play then knowledge of this could help to address these other problems too.

4. We do not know what the score is with this person. All of the things that have been suggested are valid.

@DinnerThyme - I’m not surprised you’ve stepped back. The threads got chaotic so I’m going to leave it now because I doubt its helping you. I hope you and your husband find a solution to this problem that works for you and he is able make a more constructive contribution at home soon. It’s not your job to manage everything and I really hope that he wants to figure this out.

Hey that’s the reality of the NHS. If you can’t wait 4-5yrs, you have to scrape the money together and go private. The OP is in a financially privileged and comfortable position, so she can definitely support spending £1400 of family money on healthcare for her DH.

Lolasmiles said that “if he has ADHD” then he should “get a new job” and implied it had to be a easier one with fewer hours so he could do more at home, which is very bad advice if ADHD is a factor and would likely make things much worse as myself and other posters who actually know about ADHD have said.

@Chubbyspud
The only reason this thread has been derailed is because you’re not hearing what’s being said, despite others calmly repeating it. You seem hell bent on shutting others down.

Thank you. That’s exactly what has happened.

Lolasmiles said that “if he has ADHD” then he should “get a new job” and implied it had to be a easier one with fewer hours so he could do more at home, which is very bad advice if ADHD is a factor and would likely make things much worse as myself and other posters who actually know about ADHD have said.
Nicely misrepresented there.

OP said he was managing well in his job, which does require him to notice safeguarding issues.
She also said that it has taken over 3 months for him to change his own child without her present because previously he would leave his child's basic needs until she got back. OP does not consider this to be a big win.

Meanwhile some posters are scrambling to argue that it's totally reasonable to assume someone who is incapable of noticing their own child needs changing because it might be ADHD/ND, whilst also arguing the same person is also totally capable of managing the safeguarding responsibility of 30+ children on top of everything else in their job.
Assuming (as some posters are suggesting) this is a case of someone who genuinely does a brilliant job at work and is also genuinely incapable until 3 months ago of performing basic childcare tasks unsupervised, then something has to give because it is simply not reasonable to give all their reserves of energy/time/mental resources/executive function to a particular job if it means their spouse is left carrying everything.

Step away from the post and the fact that you clearly have a particular view of ADHD that means nobody else knows anything:
If Spouse 1, for whatever reason, is not functioning well at home, Spouse 2 is carrying all of the load, including trying to find ways to support Spouse 1 and help them with domestic responsibilities. Meanwhile Spouse 1 is putting all their resources into a job that exacerbates Spouse 2's situation as the do-it-all partner and parent, it is reasonable to question whether Spouse 1 keeping a job that has such a profound impact on their family is a good idea.
Spouse 1 might benefit from a position that doesn't drain them and require all their resources.
Spouse 1 might benefit from a flexible working request so they can keep a job they enjoy and are good at, whilst having enough to share with their spouse.

It's not an unreasonable thing to suggest should be up for discussion.

And it isn't reasonable to tell Spouse 2 to suck it up at home because their attempts aren't helpful and are all about doing her way, and accept that's how life will be unless they are going to spend thousands on credit cards and organise for Spouse 1 to make steps to improve the situation.

@LolaSmiles
Got to have the last words don’t you? I know how that is, I like to as well.

Funny how you re-iterate your “new job” recommendation after having the gall to claim I was misrepresenting you- when that is exactly what you are recommending. Your new job recommendation, predicated as it was on the grudging admission it might be ADHD is actually exactly what not to do if it is ADHD. Unfortunately your “somethings got to give” and saying the current job “is having a profound effect on his family” logic only further exposes your complete ignorance of ADHD. Despite multiple posters knowledgeable in ADHD telling you the job is not the problem and changing the job would be likely to make things worse. You’re not a medical professional and shouldn’t be giving medical advice.

Step away from the post and the fact that you clearly have a particular view of ADHD that means nobody else knows anything.
I think that applies to you actually. Because my view & lived experience, coincides with the view of several other posters on here that have calmly also tried to explain the condition to you several times. We’ve even linked to webpages on the condition to further educate you on the basics ADHD.

And it isn't reasonable to tell Spouse 2 to suck it up at home because their attempts aren't helpful and are all about doing her way, and accept that's how life will be unless they are going to spend thousands on credit cards and organise for Spouse 1 to make steps to improve the situation..

Literally no one has said this the OP must “suck it up at home” or “accept that’s how life will be.” I really dont understand why you are so invested in discouraging the OP’s DH from seeking a professional medical assessment of his cognitive challenges? It’s almost like it is imperative that you keep the DH away from any medical professional. If you cared for OP and her DH, you wouldn’t have this attitude. But you do, and I dare say, it’s almost as if you’d rather risk the OPs marriage and her DH’s mental health than risk you being wrong in your armchair diagnosis on a MN thread.

You’ve lost sight of the fact that there is a real person on the other end of this thread with real struggles.

If you cared for OP and her DH, you wouldn’t have this attitude. But you do, and I dare say, it’s almost as if you’d rather risk the OPs marriage and her DH’s mental health than risk you being wrong in your armchair diagnosis on a MN thread.

You're sitting on the other side of the internet accusing a stranger of wanting to risk a stranger's marriage, which is rather strange.

Your arguments don't make sense.

One minute you're shouting ableism if anyone suggests that someone who apparently cannot notice their own child needs changing might not be able to meet the safeguarding requirements of their job. It shows how people haven't a clue and are nasty and ableist.

It's also nasty and ableist to suggest that a job taking all of a person's reserves and energy up, leaving nothing for home because they're having to use all their reserves masking might be something that needs to be reconsidered as part of the bigger picture.

But then when different poster questions spending thousands on credit card you turn into suggesting he's going to lose his job if OP doesn't spend thousands:

Well? What’s worse? Lose your teaching career and potentially end up unemployed on UC or spend £1,400? It’s an investment in his future. Teachers make decent wages and OP is a high flying solicitor in the city. They can afford it.
Which is it?
One minute it's nasty and ableist to suggest that the job should be up for discussion as part of the picture then he's suddenly risking his job and unemployment if OP doesn't spend thousands?

You’ve lost sight of the fact that there is a real person on the other end of this thread with real struggles.

I really haven't, which is why what matters is the OP and her husband, not but what about my ADHD... But what about... But what about when I couldn't look after my children... because a lot of it doesn't add up or make sense for the OP's situation.

He, by the OP's own admission, is doing a good job at work. He's obviously capable of doing his job because he'd be in a lot of trouble if he was a walking safeguarding risk.

Over 3 months she's managed to get him to finally change his own child when she isn't around. So clearly is not, as some posters keep claiming, incapable of looking after his child.

Poor OP is running herself into the ground here .

There's more to this than telling someone that if they don't spend thousands on credit card to fund private assessments then their partner is risking their career and unemployment.

"you’d rather risk the OPs marriage and her DH’s mental health than risk you being wrong in your armchair diagnosis on a MN thread."

Oh the irony. @Onnabugeisha you're on here diagnosing him with ADHD and over on another thread where the husband is clearly giving the OP the script you're saying he might have kidney problems 😂

Honest to god. There are lots of people here who completely disagree with you and a vast majority on the other thread. Just give it a rest, not everyone's behaviour is the result of some undiagnosed condition.

LordSugarTits
The OP's DH might be neurodiverse, he might not.

As lots of people said earlier in the thread, it could easily be a mix of both.

When a poor woman is juggling everything at home and trying to support her partner over several months to find a solution, telling her she needs to spend thousands on credit card to fund private assessments otherwise her partner's career is at risk, he's risking unemployment etc is just another shitty burden to place on the OP's shoulders.

What a batshit crazy thread. Honestly, the bar for men is so low.. no wonder the OP has left. Anyway, am fairly certain her DP won't seek an assessment, and getting him to do that will be one more thing the OP has to do. Otherwise, she will be ableist.

I know other people have said this, but everything you are saying about your husband, screams to me of ADHD. I was always distracted or hyperfocused before I was prescribed medication. I recognise so many of these behaviours, and I have ADHD. I think the only one that I haven't done is the laundry system, but it sounds excellent.

@LolaSmiles I completely agree.

On the other thread the same poster told a woman who's husband is giving her the script, accusing her of all sorts and being icily cold with her to arrange him a GP appointment, get him some anti-depressants, have him investigated for kidney function issues. Awful.

NannyOggsWhiskyStash
What's the laundry system?
I'm really curious because I'm ND and the way I stop myself going from half done tasks to half done tasks is to use clean-along podcasts and YouTube channels.

If he's truly your best friend, then I would sit down together and work out ways to save the family. Good partners aren't all that easy to find.

Can you draft a chore list together? It sounds like he wants to help but doesn't know how (for some reason)

Rules of misogyny

1. Women should always be grateful to men for everything.

12. Women’s ability to recognize male behavior patterns is misandry.

Then what the pickle is going on, it's almost like the absent minded professor syndrome,

if you have a list then tick it when each item is in the trolley ?

Is your husband my husband??? Sadly I don't have the answers, once I asked mine to hang out the washing, I didn't realise that I'd forgotten to turn on the machine but got home to find he had hung out all the dirty washing including sicky babygrows. He just said that he'd done as I asked and didn't see why I was so annoyed.
I have many, many examples of this,,, let me know if you find a cure for incompetence.

I am literally your dh (in female form). I'm a teacher who proforms well at work, but can't do a food shop to save my life. Laundry is left in machine or move from pile to pile as my brain freezes my action by deciding another system of piles would work better. Too many similarities to put in this post, but I'm awaiting ADHD assessment at 54 which was suggested by my gp.

.............there was a 10 min gap between me writing the above and this bit cos posting triggered that I'd forgotten to feed the neighbour's cat (i do this frequently) and I totally forgot despite setting an alarm on my phone. I hate my brain!!

*performs. I'm a highly qualified and literate English teacher ffs

• moves. I'm giving up now. Lol

I have not diagnosed anyone with anything, you keep trotting out that lie over and over. I have only said ADHD is a possibility and he should be assessed. It is YOU who have said he most certainly cannot have ADHD and spouted off ignorant misinformation about ADHD.

On the other thread, yes, I (and others) raised the possibility of depression and suggested a trip to the GP for a mid life MOT (as some physical conditions do cause depression) and chat. I have not said it’s certain it is anything I even agreed an affair is also a possibility. Therefore no one on the other thread is disagreeing with me except for YOU. You seem to make it your mission to hound and silence anyone who suggests any possibilities other than your favourite one.

You are certainty personified and you know who certainty is the mother of?

Well many of us would disagree that it is “awful” to have an open mind and rule out possibilities before telling an OP whose husband has admitted that he has been unhappy for a very long time. Of course, he could be cheating, I even said it’s possible, but surely it makes sense to consider that perhaps his admission of depression is simply an admission of depression and encourage him to start accessing care by a GP visit? And again, on that thread, it’s not just me but several other posters too. It’s only you and Lola that seem to be the Borg and trying to control threads to go 100% consensus on one opinion.

I didn’t say that though. I said he should get an assessment at a cost of £1400.
Not assessments plural. Not thousands of pounds. And I only said put it on the credit card if you have to, because I had to for my DD, but I’m not a high flying solicitor in the city probably making six figure bonuses, I’m a disabled mum scraping by on PIP and a disability pension with an income well below the U.K. average and a DH who can only work PT as he’s my carer and his wage is even less than that!

Yes OP has been trying, but she’s tried everything that would work if no ND were at play…so it is logical that NT is a real possibility here. And if it is something like ADHD, she’s been literally stabbing wildly in the dark hoping something would help. Her DH has tried everything she has suggested with no success. She’s said he’s put forth the effort to improve…several times. But yet you’ve ignored what she had said and decided he’s just a lazy fucker who doesn’t give two shits.

Then you did some wild stabs in the dark yourself. YOU suggested that he pack in his job TWICE because “somethings got to give” implying wrongly that with ADHD this would make things better for the OP.

I and other posters who actually know about ADHD said that is a bad idea leaving his job for another lower paying, fewer hours job as that would make things worse as the job isn’t the problem and teaching is actually a good match for someone with ADHD.

I said surely it’s much better choice to pay £1400 for an assessment so he can keep his job & career AND pick up more household tasks instead of packing in his job LIKE YOU ADVISED.

Im so fed up with your all too obvious sexism. When female poster talked last night about taking hours to simply put the bin out, and wondered if she should get assessed for ADHD, you didn’t ride in and say no way could she have ADHD because she holds down a FT job and diagnose her on the spot as a lazy slag? Nope, you said oh, you can get a referral from your GP. Didn’t you?

But when it’s a man struggling, with the exact same types of simple household tasks….oh no…he must be a lazy fucker can’t possibly be ADHD.