AIBU to not give DH a medal for this shop?

[DinnerThyme]

I love DH more than anyone else on this planet and he's my absolute best friend. He's kind, he's smart, he's interesting, he's handsome, he's witty, he's fun. But, he is completely fucking incompetent and it drives me insane. I have to do everything. Granted, he works very hard, when being micromanaged to the nth degree and would work 24/7 if asked - but, unless given explicitly clear instructions, everything he does just falls apart. It's 10x more work for both us so I don't think it's even "strategic incompetence".

A few months ago, it all came to a head. I expressed how unbelievably miserable it was making me to always have to be the only real adult in the relationship, that his incompetence is hurting me and that he's a grown adult who should be able to cope with all of these things. He fully accepted the problem and the responsibility to fix it. Since then, to my mind, things have not improved enough. To his mind, he has improved and is trying.

He outlined his examples:

• "Offering to help with [an aspect of my job]" - (Essentially, I give a lot of presentations and it's useful to run through those with someone before I give them. For years, when I ask DH, he'll say yes and then try to avoid it meaning that I waste huge amounts of time waiting for him (like "oh, sure, I'll just go to the bathroom and then we'll run through it" - but then he goes off and does something else and doesn't come back so I spent ages waiting for him for no reason). He says that he's massively improved on that - but, to my memory, he's not helped me one single time since the big argument - he's just promised to, which is no change from before. I've said it's fine to say no but he won't, he'll just lead me on. It's worth noting that he has expertise in an area which is why it's useful to have his input and I have expertise in an area of his work and frequently help him out with his.
• "Keeping the house tidy" - We've had to cancel his family coming over twice since the big argument because the house was too messy and I refused to tidy the whole house by myself for his guests. Any tidying he's done has been under explicit instructions from me (literally to the point of "there's some rubbish, put that in the bin", "that's DS's shoe, put that in the cupboard"). When left to tidy by himself, I'll return an hour later and it's literally not tidier - he'll have moved one pile of crap to one place and put another pile of crap where it was. The only exception to this is the dishwasher, which DH insists on doing every single night before bed, regardless of how much actually needs to go into it. To my memory, he's not done any tidying at all without being explicitly asked other than the dishwasher. In fairness to him, he does also do laundry and has some kind of "system" that I can't fathom for where he puts different baskets depending on whether they're clean/dirty/wet/dry and then split by person...I don't understand his system so I don't touch it and leave him to it. It apparently works for him (except on the frequent occasions that he can't find anything, when he's not sure if a basket is clean or dirty and when wet baskets get forgotten about and need rewashing) so I don't micromanage that and just leave him to his chaos "system". He has not swept, hoovered, wiped, mopped, dusted...
• "Taken charge of food deliveries...I did the last one without any support" - He's done two. The first one I sat with him, with a list and told him exactly what to put in the basket, in exact quantities. The second one, I told him some things that were needed (shampoo, conditioner, nappies etc) but left him to it. He bought the non-food items I asked for but, in terms of just food, he bought: sausage rolls, juice, pasta frozen ready meal, smoked salmon, cream cheese, cheddar, apples, crisps, squeezy fruit pouches, bear strawberry yoyos, frozen pizza, curly fries, avocados, milk, bread, bananas. This is to sustain a family of four, for a week. Keep in mind, I can't have dairy so I'm not able to eat the sausage rolls, the pasta ready meal, the cream cheese, the cheddar, the frozen pizzas or the milk. I'm baffled as to how he believes that this is a sign he's done something good. I feel like it's what a 10yo would buy.
• "Dealing with DS and DD issues in the morning (like nappies and feeding) and not just fucking off" - ok, yeah, if one of the DCs need a nappy change or DD is crying for milk and I'm not there then he will now change/feed them instead of waiting for me to come back and sort it out. I'm not sure why that's such a huge win though.

AIBU to expect more "progress" than this in three months? Granted, he has made progress, he did do a Tesco delivery by himself and he does change nappies/feed the baby if it happens right in front of him and he does load and put on the dishwasher. Am I being too harsh?

YABU - He's made some progress so that shows he is putting in effort, stick at it and he'll get there.
YANBU - He's made such slow progress that he's clearly not putting in any effort, cut your losses, he won't get there.

Im so fed up with your all too obvious sexism. When female poster talked last night about taking hours to simply put the bin out, and wondered if she should get assessed for ADHD, you didn’t ride in and say no way could she have ADHD because she holds down a FT job and diagnose her on the spot as a lazy slag? Nope, you said oh, you can get a referral from your GP. Didn’t you?

Did that poster also admit she was happy to neglect her child until her husband came home to take care of them? She would happily leave her child in a dirty nappy and hungry and needs her husband to tell her that?

Like what nobody seems to be getting is that this isn’t op’s responsibility to investigate strategies and pay for assessment and support him while also working more hours than him and doing all household tasks and childcare. If he feels he genuinely cannot care for his children, or complete simple tasks like putting rubbish in the bin, then he must seek support for that to become a functioning member of the household rather than someone who cannot contribute. He can take responsibility for that.

And that’s whether he has ADHD or whether he is lazy and selfish. Or whether he has ADHD and is lazy and selfish. Even if somebody has ADHD it does not mean you need to tolerate intolerable behaviour.

Neither poster has said they were ‘happy’ about their failings.

Well he has taken responsibility it’s in the OP:
He fully accepted the problem and the responsibility to fix it. Since then, to my mind, things have not improved enough. To his mind, he has improved and is trying.

So, when we see an OP and her DH who are struggling and trying, are you saying we should just say, don’t know why you’re on here asking for advice it’s not your problem? Would be a very short thread! And when it’s obvious like it is here, there might be ADHD at play, why not recommend accessing medical care for an assessment? It would point the OP’s DH in the right direction which is essential to him actually improving faster and to a higher performance level.

If he has adhd he has always had adhd so there should be signs eg in his childhood that he has it.

That’s why a professional assessment by a psychologist is needed.

Btw, the maxim if you have ADHD you’ve always had it is now an outdated view.

You can acquire ADHD via a head injury and there is also late-onset ADHD that appears in adulthood, not childhood. Doctors are still trying to parse out whether late-onset ADHD it is a completely separate type of ADHD or if environmental factors in masked childhood ADHD or a bit of both.

Thanks, that's interesting.

I haven't RTFT.

OP, you could be describing my DH! He is a wonderful man, so kind and funny, I adore the bones of him.

Thank god I do, because the frustration of being the only 'adult' in the marriage can make you feel like you're combusting.

He has Austism, though is high functioning, and as an added complication, PTSD. He cannot really comprehend the complexities of organisation, for him everything is last minute and putting fires out rather than thinking ahead. Like, I the car insurance is due on the 10th, he'd think about it on the 10th (if he remembered) rather than sort it beforehand. Life admin is generally very overwhelming and things I find easy are hard for him. Interestingly, he's a teacher too!

He can be very 'tunnelled' and he quite literally can't see what's in front of him. Thrives on routine and stability.

He has massively improved, over the years I've honed how he best learns and adapts. Lists and calanders have been great tools.

Now, he's in charge of the weekly food shop, all maintenance with the cars, his own laundry, 50% of chores (set by day) and the bins/recycling bits. For the first time in 15 years, this year he actually booked a restaurant for our anniversary as a surprise - I know it's ridiculous to anyone else but this is huge!

Having set routines, realistic expectations, and allowing a few months for it to 'sink in' has been key.

Dh is so affectionate, sweet, makes me laugh every day, great morals, generous, would help anyone and is so trustworthy - he has such a warm heart and everyone he meets likes him. So for me, the good outweighs the bad.

But my god, I feel your frustration!!!

Im so fed up with your all too obvious sexism. When female poster talked last night about taking hours to simply put the bin out, and wondered if she should get assessed for ADHD, you didn’t ride in and say no way could she have ADHD because she holds down a FT job and diagnose her on the spot as a lazy slag?

Nope, you said oh, you can get a referral from your GP. Didn’t you?

What's with the lazy slag?

Why would anyone be disgustingly misogynistic in there first place?

And why would such disgusting misogyny be directed to someone who has said they want to take steps to address an area of their life they would like to improve?

The OP asking also didn't say she doesn't feed or change her children and leaves it all to her DP but now after several months will finally meet basic child caring unsupervised. It's a totally different thread.

Anyway you're doing the same thing you do when people disagree with you and go straight to whataboutery.
😂

My point still stands, one minute you're shouting ableism to question the if people suggest that the job should be something to discuss, but when a poster questioned spending huge amounts of money you turn the guilt trip on saying better to spend the money than risk his job and be unemployed.

Thingsdogetbetter
Your laundry experience matches mine.

There's quite a lot of us who are ND in teaching I think.

I'm hoping to find out what this system is another poster mentioned as laundry is my nemesis.

He's not an academic is he? My ex is completely incompetent when it came to household stuff, I still sort out his paperwork! But he's also one of the most intelligent men I've met, his head is in the clouds.

Dd bless her has got his cooking finally, but he has to order hello fresh boxes to do it, or she orders specific things and gives him instructions!

It is possible to have a very responsible and senior job yet be incompetent at home (his pa picks up the pieces at work)

I mean, I think he probably has ADHD, but I think for men like this it also reduces to the fact that he doesn't want to do boring, menial things, and doesn't have to because if he doesn't do them, one of the wimmens will step in and do these things because they are essential things. If he doesn't change diapers or feed the baby, the baby won't go unfed or with dirty diapers. The woman in the baby's life will do it, and will curtail her other activities (won't go to her social weekend, will stop doing her hobby, might even cut back on work) to do it because you can't just leave a baby unfed or in a dirty diaper (a truth some men don't seem to grasp for unknown reasons). Meanwhile he's doing the things he enjoys and that he finds stimulating and rewarding, while a woman feels her will to live slowly slip away as she's saddled with the never-ending menial labor of running a home.

If this were me, I would tell him you think he has ADHD and suggest he see a doctor or look it up on the internet to find strategies. But, you're not his mum and I think if you are too nurturing here then you will simply go from managing the food, diapers, baby, MOT, insurance, etc, to managing how he does the food, diapers, baby, MOT, insurance, etc. Flagging up ADHD will give him a pointer to a direction that could be useful in helping him fix this problem. It's up to him to run with it. You may also need to lower your standards in some areas, to account for the fact that your way of doing things is not necessarily the be-all-end-all. But you have to pick those areas carefully. There's a correct way to diaper a baby and it doesn't involve letting the baby sit in its own feces for hours. But your family won't starve if he can't make the mental leap from 80g per meal to the correct amounts and variety of veg for a weekly shop. For that, focus on something simpler. If he's doing the online shop, his job is to make sure there's food in the house, not that you have the perfect chicken cacciatore on Mondays. If he leaves out an ingredient, make it without it, or he can learn to cook, etc.

Don't lose hope, this is probably solvable.