AIBU to not give DH a medal for this shop?

[DinnerThyme]

I love DH more than anyone else on this planet and he's my absolute best friend. He's kind, he's smart, he's interesting, he's handsome, he's witty, he's fun. But, he is completely fucking incompetent and it drives me insane. I have to do everything. Granted, he works very hard, when being micromanaged to the nth degree and would work 24/7 if asked - but, unless given explicitly clear instructions, everything he does just falls apart. It's 10x more work for both us so I don't think it's even "strategic incompetence".

A few months ago, it all came to a head. I expressed how unbelievably miserable it was making me to always have to be the only real adult in the relationship, that his incompetence is hurting me and that he's a grown adult who should be able to cope with all of these things. He fully accepted the problem and the responsibility to fix it. Since then, to my mind, things have not improved enough. To his mind, he has improved and is trying.

He outlined his examples:

• "Offering to help with [an aspect of my job]" - (Essentially, I give a lot of presentations and it's useful to run through those with someone before I give them. For years, when I ask DH, he'll say yes and then try to avoid it meaning that I waste huge amounts of time waiting for him (like "oh, sure, I'll just go to the bathroom and then we'll run through it" - but then he goes off and does something else and doesn't come back so I spent ages waiting for him for no reason). He says that he's massively improved on that - but, to my memory, he's not helped me one single time since the big argument - he's just promised to, which is no change from before. I've said it's fine to say no but he won't, he'll just lead me on. It's worth noting that he has expertise in an area which is why it's useful to have his input and I have expertise in an area of his work and frequently help him out with his.
• "Keeping the house tidy" - We've had to cancel his family coming over twice since the big argument because the house was too messy and I refused to tidy the whole house by myself for his guests. Any tidying he's done has been under explicit instructions from me (literally to the point of "there's some rubbish, put that in the bin", "that's DS's shoe, put that in the cupboard"). When left to tidy by himself, I'll return an hour later and it's literally not tidier - he'll have moved one pile of crap to one place and put another pile of crap where it was. The only exception to this is the dishwasher, which DH insists on doing every single night before bed, regardless of how much actually needs to go into it. To my memory, he's not done any tidying at all without being explicitly asked other than the dishwasher. In fairness to him, he does also do laundry and has some kind of "system" that I can't fathom for where he puts different baskets depending on whether they're clean/dirty/wet/dry and then split by person...I don't understand his system so I don't touch it and leave him to it. It apparently works for him (except on the frequent occasions that he can't find anything, when he's not sure if a basket is clean or dirty and when wet baskets get forgotten about and need rewashing) so I don't micromanage that and just leave him to his chaos "system". He has not swept, hoovered, wiped, mopped, dusted...
• "Taken charge of food deliveries...I did the last one without any support" - He's done two. The first one I sat with him, with a list and told him exactly what to put in the basket, in exact quantities. The second one, I told him some things that were needed (shampoo, conditioner, nappies etc) but left him to it. He bought the non-food items I asked for but, in terms of just food, he bought: sausage rolls, juice, pasta frozen ready meal, smoked salmon, cream cheese, cheddar, apples, crisps, squeezy fruit pouches, bear strawberry yoyos, frozen pizza, curly fries, avocados, milk, bread, bananas. This is to sustain a family of four, for a week. Keep in mind, I can't have dairy so I'm not able to eat the sausage rolls, the pasta ready meal, the cream cheese, the cheddar, the frozen pizzas or the milk. I'm baffled as to how he believes that this is a sign he's done something good. I feel like it's what a 10yo would buy.
• "Dealing with DS and DD issues in the morning (like nappies and feeding) and not just fucking off" - ok, yeah, if one of the DCs need a nappy change or DD is crying for milk and I'm not there then he will now change/feed them instead of waiting for me to come back and sort it out. I'm not sure why that's such a huge win though.

AIBU to expect more "progress" than this in three months? Granted, he has made progress, he did do a Tesco delivery by himself and he does change nappies/feed the baby if it happens right in front of him and he does load and put on the dishwasher. Am I being too harsh?

YABU - He's made some progress so that shows he is putting in effort, stick at it and he'll get there.
YANBU - He's made such slow progress that he's clearly not putting in any effort, cut your losses, he won't get there.

Some ND people and NT people will use up every ounce of mental energy they have during their working day. Meeting the demands of their job overwhelms the central nervous system and when they get home they neurologically fall into flight mode, barely able to function whilst desperately trying to. Have you never worked with someone who appears to be efficient at work, great at their job and respected for it but then one day they’ve given you a lift or you’ve visited their home and it doesn’t at all reflect the version of them you know? Of course that could be for any number of reasons but its hardly a leap to think that someone can present in different ways in different areas of their life and thats often not about choice, it’s about demands.

Yes, ADHD masking is a reality as well as for other types of ND.
www.additudemag.com/adhd-masking-signs-consequences-solutions/

It's not ableism to point out that someone who is incapable of identifying when their child has a basic need like hunger is also likely to be incapable of fulfilling their safeguarding duty over 30+ children.

Yes, it is ableism founded in profound ignorance of ADHD.

Chubbyspud
I've met plenty of people who've been in those situations. Honestly I've been there myself. There have been times in term time where things have piled up. Some of my work friends have joked at my differing levels of organisation between work and home.

But we don't forget to feed our children and get irritated when our spouse suggests we change a nappy once in a while.

To be perfectly honest, even if we assume someone does a brilliant job in teaching and manages to mask so perfectly that their lack of noticing only happens with their own children and their own home, there's a strong case for saying a new job needs to happen because it is totally unreasonable for one spouse to have to carry the domestic load, chores, mental load of family life, child responsibilities and on top of that have to micromanage their partner.

• ADHD masking. And you’re still thinking in terms of low IQ not fluctuating capacity.
• He is capable, just not always and the complaints could be shame for needing to be reminded.

No, I don’t think it is overwhelmingly more likely that he is a lazy fucker sexist twat. Not given all the other clues in the OPs posts. It’s possible, but I wouldn’t say it with such certainty.

In fact, if the OP had been writing about a DC with similar age appropriate struggles, I think this thread would have gone an entirely different way. But because it’s a man, woah Nellie….has to be a lazy fucker. Can’t possibly be ND.

To be perfectly honest, even if we assume someone does a brilliant job in teaching and manages to mask so perfectly that their lack of noticing only happens with their own children and their own home, there's a strong case for saying a new job needs to happen because it is totally unreasonable for one spouse to have to carry the domestic load, chores, mental load of family life, child responsibilities and on top of that have to micromanage their partner

OR, going out on a limb here. Instead of saying “a new job needs to happen” maybe, just maybe seeing a professional to get assessed for ADHD or other ND and then if he is diagnosed a ND type- have the medication, therapy and strategies tailored to him so that he can keep his job AND be able to carry more of the domestic load!

Wow! What a fucking concept to seek professional medical advice

Or, ok, get “a new job” thing is a new job won’t solve the problems. Anyone diagnosed as an adult with ADHD can tell you this because they’ll have tried it.

He is an adult! His ‘shame’ at having to be asked to feed his child does not give him an allowance to complain at being asked to share the load with his children in his home. It is disrespectful and designed to make her stop asking.

Either way op is within her rights not to be able to tolerate it. She shouldn’t expect to live her life as a full time slave to a man who she can’t even ask to do simple tasks because he complains and whines about them.

If anything, a new job would make it worse because all his focus will be on the new job, which will mean his functioning at home will deteriorate further. (That's if he does have ADHD.)

The job is not the issue.

Well, you’ve misunderstood the concept of self-flagellation quite spectacularly. No one is saying OP should be a “slave” that’s quite a bit of equally spectacular hyperbole.

Yep. Spot on.

BadNomad
It is an issue if he's, as others suggest, putting so much into functioning well at work that he has nothing left to function at home and can't be expected to feed his own children or change a nappy unprompted.

I've known colleagues leave jobs because of the toll it's placed on their spouses and families.

Assessments in adulthood can take a long time, from what I've heard even longer in places than getting children assessed and those wait times are awful.

What's the OP to do in the meantime? Keep doing everything? Burn herself out?

Go private even if you’re putting it on a credit card and paying it off. It’s around £1400 for full assessment and then can be referred to NHS for treatment…jumping the queue of everyone waiting to be assessed. I just had to do this for my DD who has ASD.

A diagnosis can also mean he can get accommodations at work almost immediately that will reduce the masking, leaving more capacity for at home.

I haven’t misunderstood. The point I’m making is that, regardless of any ND, his attitude is still shitty. And I think you’ve misunderstood the concept of self-flagellation if you think it means ‘complain at my wife whenever she asks me to pull my weight.’ Or do you think his needs also involve not being able to abstain from complaining and moaning when asked to care for his children?

I know mothers with ADD and/or low EF. They made laminated schedules and task lists. One had a “flight list” attached to the diaper bag with a list of items to pack for a quick outing or going to day care. Keeping a running grocery list, outsourcing cleaning, and staying present are all useful strategies. Mothers have to step up to the plate.

I’ve re read the OPs posts and there isn’t really any mention I can see of complaining and moaning when asked to care for children etc:

“It’s usually an apology, but he doesn’t know why he did it or why he forgot”

“In general, the response to “why couldn’t you do X without being asked?” tends to be “I don’t know, I forgot, I didn’t realise, I’m sorry”.

?

@Kanaloa

And he’s putting forth effort….
The thing is that I’ve watched him do stuff. He doesn’t lay on the bed with his phone. He will literally move an item to one spot and back again, then make a pile and divide the pile back up. He’s putting in absolutely all the effort of tidying but going at a snails pace and then undoing and redoing all of it as he goes along.

the above is classic ADHD when you have no idea what to do with the stuff. It’s why everything in my home has its own home, down to the cm of where it lives. Once it’s home, I know it’s tidied.

"Go private even if you’re putting it on a credit card and paying it off. It’s around £1400 for full assessment and then can be referred to NHS for treatment…jumping the queue of everyone waiting to be assessed. I just had to do this for my DD who has ASD."

Fucking hell

Well? What’s worse? Lose your teaching career and potentially end up unemployed on UC or spend £1,400? It’s an investment in his future. Teachers make decent wages and OP is a high flying solicitor in the city. They can afford it.

It's not the job. It will be like this in any job. The job isn't taking away from how he functions at home. The job has routine and structure. That is perfect for ADHD. Ad hoc tasks at home don't work with ADHD. If he was responsible for feeding/changing the child every day, he would remember to feed and change the child every day. But if it only happens occasionally, it won't be something concrete in his head and therefore not something he will automatically think to do.

The same with shopping. If it isn't something you do regularly, if it isn't part of your routine, it takes a lot more effort to do these things because you need to process more and that's hard to do when you have ADHD. Hence, why we have lists and reminders for things that aren't part of our normal routine.

Have you made a will? And a living will?
Maybe a good pretext to have some serious conversations about what were to happen should you (god forbid) fall seriously ill or have an accident. He would be in sole charge of the household and his children’s welfare. He needs to grow the hell up if you ask me.

To the people on here going on and on about ADHD, whataboutery and ableism, maybe start your own thread and stop derailing the OP's.

Scalottia

I've given up even discussing on that one because anything other than spend thousands of family money to bypass waiting times is wrong, and the thread got a bit ridiculous. Looking back at the thread the OP was already being accused of wanting everything done her way before it turned into but my ADHD is severe so...What about...

Like I said last night, poor OP has had to spend 3 months getting to a point where her DP will finally look after the children if she isn't around. Prior to that he would leave it until she came back. She's running herself into the ground and it's not fair on her.

It isn't her job to micromanage another adult and there's a lot of neurodiverse people out there who look for their own strategies. He could look into assessment if he feels it may help and provide answers, but it really isn't the OP's job to be running around frantically trying to sort everything. It's just more mental load placed on her.

Completely agree @LolaSmiles.

"Well? What’s worse? Lose your teaching career and potentially end up unemployed on UC or spend £1,400? It’s an investment in his future. Teachers make decent wages and OP is a high flying solicitor in the city. They can afford it."

Oh well yes sorry, let me take a step back in the queue for a high flying solicitor in the city. Silly me

(Also, he's losing his job now? Thought he'd just fucked up the online shop)

This really is the most bizarre thread. OP has, understandably perhaps, taken a step back. But just to reiterate - it doesn't matter what ND conditions he may or may not have, OP, you have every right to expect your partner to be working proactively to solve for significant problems he is causing at home and in your relationship. And if he's not, then you would be better off without him.