AIBU to not give DH a medal for this shop?

[DinnerThyme]

I love DH more than anyone else on this planet and he's my absolute best friend. He's kind, he's smart, he's interesting, he's handsome, he's witty, he's fun. But, he is completely fucking incompetent and it drives me insane. I have to do everything. Granted, he works very hard, when being micromanaged to the nth degree and would work 24/7 if asked - but, unless given explicitly clear instructions, everything he does just falls apart. It's 10x more work for both us so I don't think it's even "strategic incompetence".

A few months ago, it all came to a head. I expressed how unbelievably miserable it was making me to always have to be the only real adult in the relationship, that his incompetence is hurting me and that he's a grown adult who should be able to cope with all of these things. He fully accepted the problem and the responsibility to fix it. Since then, to my mind, things have not improved enough. To his mind, he has improved and is trying.

He outlined his examples:

• "Offering to help with [an aspect of my job]" - (Essentially, I give a lot of presentations and it's useful to run through those with someone before I give them. For years, when I ask DH, he'll say yes and then try to avoid it meaning that I waste huge amounts of time waiting for him (like "oh, sure, I'll just go to the bathroom and then we'll run through it" - but then he goes off and does something else and doesn't come back so I spent ages waiting for him for no reason). He says that he's massively improved on that - but, to my memory, he's not helped me one single time since the big argument - he's just promised to, which is no change from before. I've said it's fine to say no but he won't, he'll just lead me on. It's worth noting that he has expertise in an area which is why it's useful to have his input and I have expertise in an area of his work and frequently help him out with his.
• "Keeping the house tidy" - We've had to cancel his family coming over twice since the big argument because the house was too messy and I refused to tidy the whole house by myself for his guests. Any tidying he's done has been under explicit instructions from me (literally to the point of "there's some rubbish, put that in the bin", "that's DS's shoe, put that in the cupboard"). When left to tidy by himself, I'll return an hour later and it's literally not tidier - he'll have moved one pile of crap to one place and put another pile of crap where it was. The only exception to this is the dishwasher, which DH insists on doing every single night before bed, regardless of how much actually needs to go into it. To my memory, he's not done any tidying at all without being explicitly asked other than the dishwasher. In fairness to him, he does also do laundry and has some kind of "system" that I can't fathom for where he puts different baskets depending on whether they're clean/dirty/wet/dry and then split by person...I don't understand his system so I don't touch it and leave him to it. It apparently works for him (except on the frequent occasions that he can't find anything, when he's not sure if a basket is clean or dirty and when wet baskets get forgotten about and need rewashing) so I don't micromanage that and just leave him to his chaos "system". He has not swept, hoovered, wiped, mopped, dusted...
• "Taken charge of food deliveries...I did the last one without any support" - He's done two. The first one I sat with him, with a list and told him exactly what to put in the basket, in exact quantities. The second one, I told him some things that were needed (shampoo, conditioner, nappies etc) but left him to it. He bought the non-food items I asked for but, in terms of just food, he bought: sausage rolls, juice, pasta frozen ready meal, smoked salmon, cream cheese, cheddar, apples, crisps, squeezy fruit pouches, bear strawberry yoyos, frozen pizza, curly fries, avocados, milk, bread, bananas. This is to sustain a family of four, for a week. Keep in mind, I can't have dairy so I'm not able to eat the sausage rolls, the pasta ready meal, the cream cheese, the cheddar, the frozen pizzas or the milk. I'm baffled as to how he believes that this is a sign he's done something good. I feel like it's what a 10yo would buy.
• "Dealing with DS and DD issues in the morning (like nappies and feeding) and not just fucking off" - ok, yeah, if one of the DCs need a nappy change or DD is crying for milk and I'm not there then he will now change/feed them instead of waiting for me to come back and sort it out. I'm not sure why that's such a huge win though.

AIBU to expect more "progress" than this in three months? Granted, he has made progress, he did do a Tesco delivery by himself and he does change nappies/feed the baby if it happens right in front of him and he does load and put on the dishwasher. Am I being too harsh?

YABU - He's made some progress so that shows he is putting in effort, stick at it and he'll get there.
YANBU - He's made such slow progress that he's clearly not putting in any effort, cut your losses, he won't get there.

No it isn’t. It’s common sense that point out that the overwhelming majority of people who can hold down a full time teaching position are also capable of feeding their child.
Exactly this.
The demands of teaching are high. You're responsible for the education, pastoral care, safeguarding and health and safety of other people's children, and that's before the expectations of classroom environment, planning, marking, data, meetings, communication with parents, information for SEN reviews, extra-curricular activities and CPD.

Someone doing this to a good level is highly unlikely to be incapable of feeding their own child. If someone genuinely can't notice their own child is hungry, they're also not capable of noticing when something is wrong with the children in their care, which would be a safeguarding issue.

An abled someone which would “the vast majority” , yes you’re right, they could do both.

But a disabled someone, which would be a tiny minority, no not necessarily.

Rarity doesn’t equal impossibility.

*An abled someone which would “the vast majority” , yes you’re right, they could do both."

But a disabled someone, which would be a tiny minority, no not necessarily.

Rarity doesn’t equal impossibility.

Someone who cannot identify when their own child is hungry has no business being responsible for the safeguarding of dozens of other people's children.

Are you so dedicated to the cause of whataboutery that you're seriously going to argue that someone genuinely incapable of meeting their children's basic needs could theoretically also be perfectly capable of having the noticing skills to effectively safeguard 30+ children in their care?

Anyway the OP's thread has disintegrated into laughable whataboutery.

Assuming what they say is true and their DP does hold down a teaching job successfully, and we have no reason to doubt them, then we can assume their DP isn't incapable of safeguarding his pupils.
Which means he is also capable of performing basic parenting tasks for his own children.

He may need some strategies to help him stay on task/set himself reminders to do things, and they may need to allocate chores to each other so he has predictable tasks that are his to do, he might decide that he wants to consider exploring an assessment for ADHD, he may not, but the OP does not have to accept having to micromanage him to get him to contribute to the household. If he's a nice guy then he will listen to the OP's feelings and look for strategies that might work for him.

Of course. So he’s moaning at his wife not to nag him to change the baby’s nappy because he actually can’t do it some days and also he feels bad he didn’t remember. Sure.

And as pp’s have said, if his needs are so complex that he needs support to feed his child and support to understand how to pick rubbish up and put it in the bin, then unfortunately it’s probably not safe for him to be in charge of a classroom of children unsupported. If he isn’t able to understand that babies need changing and isn’t able to reliably cope with being asked to do this task, and doesn’t have the comprehension to understand rubbish goes in the bin, then there are just too many risks and too much that could go wrong with him being in charge of a class of children. Because of his severe and challenging needs, he isn’t able to reliably meet the needs of one child, even with support, so how can be possibly be responsible for meeting the needs of 30?

If this is all down to his (possible) adhd then I don't think someone who cannot remember allergens should be in charge of young children who may have fatal allergies

I do think he may have some executive disfunction. I also think he has an attitude issue around being expected to parent equally and pick up some of the workload.

But honestly its not ableist to expect teachers to be able to understand basic children's needs like who is allergic to what, and when they need food.

The whataboutery is all on your end as the OP said
if one of the DCs need a nappy change or DD is crying for milk and I'm not there then he will now change/feed them

He is capable of meeting basic needs, no idea why you are arguing he cannot do this. No idea too why you are conflating teaching a lesson to school age children in a controlled environment to be exactly the same as changing a nappy or feeding a child. 🙄

Most of what you post shows a deep ignorance of ADHD…why else would you call my posts “whataboutery”?

no business being responsible for the safeguarding of dozens of other people's children and comments like these along with others show a deep thread of nasty ableism as well. Full of judgements that if a persons disability means they can’t do x, then they have no business doing y. You’d not say the same shit to a person in a wheelchair oh if someone can’t do something as simple as walk, then they have no business teaching. You fundamentally do not understand how ND disabilities work or present in people.

But honestly its not ableist to expect teachers to be able to understand basic children's needs like who is allergic to what, and when they need food.

Its unlikely this is part of his job. There are virtually no early years teachers that are male. All other aged children would be eating in the dining hall under supervision of other staff.

But if he is incapable of understanding that children need to be fed, even after having it explained, due to the severe nature of his disability, he is also unlikely to understand other issues the children may have. He simply will not be able to comprehend it. He can’t understand that he must change his own child even with one on one support.

"I failed so badly, my brother had to fly out and live with me for two months, getting me fed, cleaning, getting me to work and helping me sell the house and arrange movers and such."

Right. Sorry to hear that. However, you're projecting. Again. And quite a lot.

Do you think it's possible you've diagnosed the OPs husband with your own diagnoses? You're fighting tooth and nail here that he's not simply a lazy man...why?

Why are you making shit up? It’s like you haven’t the first clue about ADHD and are confusing it with very low IQ. Because you can’t do x, doesn’t mean it’s necessarily unlikely that you can’t do y. It doesn’t work how you are saying it does. ADHD affects executive function, not intelligence.

School trips?

No, I’m not projecting, I was being told by people ignorant of ADHD that it is not possible for anyone who holds down a decent job like teaching to have ADHD and struggle at home with household tasks. So I explained my situation illustrating this is not true.

I haven’t diagnosed anyone with anything. You have though…with lazy fucker sexist twat syndrome.

This is your most reasonable post. And I am merely saying part of this should be an assessment for ADHD because if he has it, the medication and recommended strategies tailored to his ADHD will get him up and running much faster than blindly trying random things you find on the internet.

And how will his executive function allow him to comprehend that they have to stop on the school trip to eat packed lunches when it stops him from being able to feed or change his child?

and comments like these along with others show a deep thread of nasty ableism as well. Full of judgements that if a persons disability means they can’t do x, then they have no business doing y.
You’d not say the same shit to a person in a wheelchair oh if someone can’t do something as simple as walk, then they have no business teaching. You fundamentally do not understand how ND disabilities work or present in people

I'm a ND woman and a teacher.

Whether someone uses a wheelchair or not does affect their ability to fulfill their safeguarding duty, nor would it affect their ability to teach.

It's not ableism to point out that someone who is incapable of identifying when their child has a basic need like hunger is also likely to be incapable of fulfilling their safeguarding duty over 30+ children.

Anyway, the OP has told us her DP is successfully managing his teaching role so all your whataboutery is irrelevant.

And I’m not confusing it with a very low IQ. You’ve argued that he is capable of feeding his kids sometimes but not others due to disability. How will be then be reliably capable of understanding that his students must eat lunch, how will he be reliably able to perform safeguarding procedures etc?

Don’t you think it’s overwhelmingly more likely that he in fact is capable of doing these simple daily tasks, evidenced by the fact that he does do them, but complains about op asking him to do them because it is easier if somebody else does them?

No, I’m not projecting, I was being told by people ignorant of ADHD that it is not possible for anyone who holds down a decent job like teaching to have ADHD and struggle at home with household tasks. So I explained my situation illustrating this is not true
I don't think anyone has said it's impossible to teach and have ADHD.

What people are challenging is the idea that someone:
A) must have ADHD/seriously consider that they have ADHD because having ADHD badly can make it impossible for the parent to care for their children.

AND

B) The same someone with severe ADHD that's so bad the can't care for their children can hold down a successful teaching career and fulfil their statutory safeguarding duties, and any suggestion otherwise is nasty and ableist.

It's entirely possible that ADHD can profoundly affect some people.
It's also entirely possible to have a teaching career as someone with ADHD.

It's highly highly unlikely that someone could do both A and B.

The suggestion of ADHD is never an excuse, its not a get out of jail free card.

No one thats suggested ADHD is a possibility has said that it excuses him from pulling his weight or from taking responsibility for himself and his family. Of course it doesn’t. But if it is a factor then being aware of it can help to find strategies so that this couple can work as team instead of one person carrying the load.

It’s as simple as that.

Full of judgements that if a persons disability means they can’t do x, then they have no business doing y. You’d not say the same shit to a person in a wheelchair oh if someone can’t do something as simple as walk, then they have no business teaching.

As someone with a disability that intermittently means I struggle to walk I would not expect to be able to take a job as a nurse on a psychiatric ward for example. So actually I do think it's okay for certain jobs to be closed off to me because of my disability because it is either something that fundamentally can't be adapted for my disability, it would put me in harms way, or it would out other people in harms way.

That's why some jobs (like fire fighters) come with physical tests. Because it's more important to consider safety than opening jobs up to everybody.

It's not automatically ableist to consider whether certain jobs are impacted by certain disabilities.

It’s not an issue of comprehension (IQ) but action. I’ve explained in other posts how when you have ADHD you have a limited capacity (that varies good vs bad days) for executive functioning and executing tasks..so you often get up, go to work and for me it’s around 5-6hrs I have in me (with breaks) but at any rate, after your window of top performance, your functioning starts to taper off. Like a battery running out, so then you struggle the rest of the day which can include household tasks because nothing is left. It’s not no energy, it’s like your brain shutting down and refusing to operate.

So, yes he could teach brilliantly all day long, manage children, remember allergens…fantastic…but the brain activity required for someone with ADHD to keep up this level can’t be sustained and you crash….usually at home in the evening…everything becomes a million times harder than it should be.

This cycle is called ADHD masking btw.. the performing well at work or education and then struggling at home to do basic day to day living and hygiene tasks.

This is usual steady state, but if go into hyperactive/hyper focus state quite different and has a bigger crash at the end. The other main category of ADHD has inattention instead of hyperactivity and that’s very different but equally disabling.

Trying to push beyond and do more is ok as a rare one off, but always results in mistakes galore and if attempted regularly leads to ADHD burnout..which is full on mental breakdown, depression, suicide attempts, Not fun.

Medication and strategies can help. What works depends on the persons ADHD patterns…because my pattern isn’t everyone’s pattern. You don’t even know what your pattern is without getting assessed and going through therapy to learn about yourself.

@LolaSmiles
It's highly highly unlikely that someone could do both A and B.
No it’s not highly unlikely. You only think that because you envision ADHD as some sort of constant negative to a persons capability and capacity. It’s not as simple as all that.

what did he do before yu met live in a dump and eat snacks all day

it just sounds so exhausting

It's the same with ND children. They can seem fine at school because of the structure, routine and pressure. Then fall apart as soon as they get home. Become defiant, not listening, not doing as they're told, refusing to do homework etc. School/work and home are two completely different environments.