MIL gave DD a dummy after we got rid of them

[CatLoaf]

I used to haaaate what I saw as 'MIL bashing' threads on here, but now realise things are a bit more...nuanced. Mine is kind, but also a pain.

Anyway, new baby coming soon and we've been thinking of removing DD's dummy for a while - because of all the usual stuff, plus didn't want to try taking it away with a baby around potentially using dummy too. We did the whole dummy fairy rigmarole, she was pretty upset but starting to accept it - hideously early mornings though😪 We told MIL all of this obviously, and mentioned that we have got rid of all dummies in the house so we're not tempted to give in. DD came back with MIL the other day unusually bouncy for that time - she never normally naps there - and MIL was full of the joys of a 1 hour nap. I said something like, wow that's great! I haven't been able to get her to nap without the dummy. And MIL got all coy and said, 'Well, we shan't tell Mummy about what we did', and it became evident that she'd just given her a fucking dummy. So weary of her, and it felt like it messed things up as DD was a nightmare to put down that night. (Maybe she would have been anyway! But it didn't help.) MIL annoyed that I was annoyed, and says she can do what she likes in her own house - which is totally true, but also just shitty of her.

I know the answer is to stop her looking after DD and use nursery for an extra day, but she'll be so angry and upset about it, and insistent that we don't want to see her etc. Just so weary :/ I don't even know what the AIBU is, sorry.

One of my children had a dummy and it was great in the beginning but trying to remove it was an absolute nightmare. He would even pop it to the side of his mouth to talk 😩. It was so hard to remove it as he loved it sooo much but as he was nearing four (I know) it had to be done. We had tears for days and broken sleep but we hung on in there.
If my mil/mum had given it back I would have been apoplectic. Stick to your guns. I agree with the other poster who says she probably feels embarrassed about it and get your DH to explain it to her. His mum so he should know how to deal with her.

'says she can do what she likes in her own house - which is totally true, but also just shitty of her'

Nope, nope nope. That's not true, she still has to enforce things like this when you're not there!

Oh please, I am grateful. But not grateful for her fucking up this dummy situation, and why should I be. I'm sorry you have a difficult situation, but that doesn't mean I can't be upset about something MIL has done. (And I also pay through the nose for childcare.)

Nowhere did I say I was fuming, and also nowhere did I write that this is the first time something has gone wrong.

I don’t get an iota of family childcare, everything is paid for. I’m in the same situation as you. The situation OP is in would still annoy me though. It’s not a race to the bottom.

I know the answer is to stop her looking after DD and use nursery for an extra day, but she'll be so angry and upset about it, and insistent that we don't want to see her etc.

sounds like tough shit to me.
She got angry because she ‘can do whatever she wants in her own house.’ Then you can do whatever you want with your own child. It’s that simple surely.

so she can care for your child as youve asked, in a way that isn’t confusing and ultimately worse for the child who has to start the confusing and upsetting process of losing the dummy again, or you find someone else that will.

But your bitterness and jealousy over someone else’s free childcare shouldn’t be a thing here. It’s not the OPs fault that childcare is so expensive ffs.

There will always be someone out there with bigger problems than another, it doesn’t make the latter’s problem(s) any less valid.

Good response by the OP. Just because some people don’t have family support doesn’t mean that people who do have it never have any problems.

It’s like when women are going through horrendous pregnancies and someone pipes up with “at least you can get pregnant, be grateful”. Completely unnecessary and unhelpful.

If the subject is too difficult, don’t participate in the thread.

Nursery staff are paid employees.

MIL is a free family resource.

Youre telling me you don’t know the difference, or are you being deliberately obtuse?

I guess you get 30 hours free and have family willing to fill in the gaps. Those of us who have to actually pay for their childcare see these things a bit differently.

If the OP has to pay someone to respect her parental decisions then she should do that.

My child is 16 months old and will start nursery at 2. Free hours don't start til aged 3. My partner and I are his sole carers. We have no family to help us. We work freelance hours in our own businesses and organise childcare between us to be able to do that. I would gladly carry on this set up than accept any form of childcare that dismissed my decisions as mother of my child.

Exactly this!!!

Couldn’t have put it better myself

@OwwwMuuuum exactly this! I could be obtuse and ask if you despise paying for childcare so much that you would allow someone to look after your child for free even if they did something that could potentially distress them just because the childcare was free 🙄. I sincerely hope not.

@CatLoaf your MIL doesn’t get to apply her own rules to looking after your child simply because she is in her house. My MIL is absolutely wonderful and would never dream of doing that. Part of the reason overnight stays at my MIL’s are so successful is that my DC has the same routine there as at home. Stand up for yourself and ask your DH to have a word with her. If she doesn’t listen, I would switch to paid childcare. My MIL used to look after my DC once a week but I switched to full-time childcare because I felt that MiL was struggling to keep up with her due to age. MIL was a little unhappy but understood and is more than happy to still do babysitting to see her.

There is nothing that annoys me more on this website than people who seem to think that free childcare means the parent gets absolutely no say in what happens during the time their child is in that care.

It's ridiculous.

And I say that at someone who is going to have to rely on paid childcare when I return to work.

@OwwwMuuuum just because you have to pay for all your childcare doesn't mean that the OP has to be eternally grateful to her MIL if she oversteps a legitimate boundary!
You are projecting your envy and anger and it's not attractive.

@CatLoaf I would be really cross too! If she can blatantly go against your parenting choices this time and has the opinion that she can do anything she likes in her own house then I'd be worried what other boundaries she would cross. Not on!

Ok hun. Let me know how you feel after more than a few months of parenting.

I hear you all - my opinion is in the minority. But I’ve dared to have my own opinion haven’t I! Shocker! So I must be piled upon! Mumsnet is not the place it used to be. You get absolutely viciously shouted down these days if you even dare to disagree with things.

@OwwwMuuuum

The only one being vicious on this thread is you.

You can have a different opinion with getting nippy and sarcastic.

Just talk to her about it. Your DH is an idiot for saying each house can have their own rules with one child, especially over an issue like this. It suggests he doesn't understand children.

@OwwwMuuuum you’re allowed your opinion. But spectacularly shit opinions dripping in envy are usually met with a strong response.

”Ok hun. Let me know how you feel after more than a few months of parenting.” also makes me feel entirely ok about my response to you.

The baby is a child of 3.
Have you seen the rashes older children get as they grip a dummy in their mouths and talk and then drool around it? Damaging for speech and teeth at that age. And if OP wanted no dummy from birth it’s her decision. Just like a nursery couldn’t overrule her and give a dummy at nursery.

I'll feel exactly the same, because providing unpaid childcare does not entitle someone to go against the wishes of the parent.

Hun 🙄

Be firm. She can do what she wants in her house... as long it doesn't affect your kid.

If she doesn't respect your rules she can't have unsupervised contact.

Tell her it's her last warning. She'll either respect your rules or DC will go to the nursery for an additional day.

@OwwwMuuuum how would you feel if you didn’t use a dummy and the nursery decided to use one whilst in their care against what you had said? Or given them chocolate when you said they weren’t old enough? Or started weaning them on solids if they were with them as a small baby and you said to wait until 6 months? Or you said they were vegan and they decided to give cows milk instead?

similar issues and it’s a parental choice thing to have a dummy or not and affects the 95% of times the OP tries to out her daughter to bed for the grandparents to have an easy life.

Yeah she can do what she likes in her house but not when it comes to YOUR DD.
It's ridiculous that she would even say that.

She'll definitely use the dummy at night.

I don't think it's a huge sacrifice for you to stop those for the time being.

They were definitely bad for the 5 year old who started school whilst still using a dummy at home (most of the time)

Speech really difficult to understand for quite a while

@OwwwMuuuum 😬I don't think you're getting viciously plied on... You clearly have a strong opinion which is fine, but you set it out pretty aggressively. I don't think you can moan much when people just reply to you.

I'd stop the overnights and free childcare. She's told you where you stand.

Keeping a secret from a parent is just wrong that's what abusers do fgs.