MIL gave DD a dummy after we got rid of them

[CatLoaf]

I used to haaaate what I saw as 'MIL bashing' threads on here, but now realise things are a bit more...nuanced. Mine is kind, but also a pain.

Anyway, new baby coming soon and we've been thinking of removing DD's dummy for a while - because of all the usual stuff, plus didn't want to try taking it away with a baby around potentially using dummy too. We did the whole dummy fairy rigmarole, she was pretty upset but starting to accept it - hideously early mornings though😪 We told MIL all of this obviously, and mentioned that we have got rid of all dummies in the house so we're not tempted to give in. DD came back with MIL the other day unusually bouncy for that time - she never normally naps there - and MIL was full of the joys of a 1 hour nap. I said something like, wow that's great! I haven't been able to get her to nap without the dummy. And MIL got all coy and said, 'Well, we shan't tell Mummy about what we did', and it became evident that she'd just given her a fucking dummy. So weary of her, and it felt like it messed things up as DD was a nightmare to put down that night. (Maybe she would have been anyway! But it didn't help.) MIL annoyed that I was annoyed, and says she can do what she likes in her own house - which is totally true, but also just shitty of her.

I know the answer is to stop her looking after DD and use nursery for an extra day, but she'll be so angry and upset about it, and insistent that we don't want to see her etc. Just so weary :/ I don't even know what the AIBU is, sorry.

Your MIL can do whatever she wants in her own house but if she wants to continue to have your daughter there then she has to respect your parenting decisions.

And I would literally put it to her like that. Otherwise dd goes to nursery more often. End of discussion.

If providing childcare you should respect parents decisions. If nursery did that you would be complaining. Or put dd back in nappies because its easier when mid training etc. It causes confusion for the child. Everyone needs to be on the same.page..

You say she's kind but she doesnt sound it. She can do what she wants in her own home? With your daughter ?

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable, and perfectly justified in feeling annoyed and upset about this. All that hard work being blithely overturned, and then she has the cheek to feel annoyed with you for being annoyed!

Will you give the new baby a dummy? Are they worth the pain of weaning?

I have 4 kids and totally agree.
it’s only a dummy. If you’re having to try that hard to get rid of it, the kid probably isn’t emotionally ready to get rid of it. Granny was being kind imo.

@Waspsnbees - if the OP had started a thread about how they had struggled to get their child to move to a cup/glass from a bottle and this had taken a lot of persuasion (because, you know, kids can be stubborn little individuals so they can) and the parents had cracked it, only for one of the grandparents to revert back to giving the child a drink from a bottle and it hadn't been an easy win (which is the impression that I'm getting from the OP's posts) would you still think that Granny was nice and right to give the bottle back and not just persevere with the cup/glass?

The Granny ignored what the parents had said and did their own thing. Irrespective of the outcome for the parents. Didn't think of the bigger picture, probably only thought of getting a few minutes without their grandchild whinging and crying instead of using other methods of soothing a child to nap or sleep.

@CatLoaf - I hope you've made a decision on whether Granny will be looking after your little one and I also hope that your DH has your back on this and is actually taking the lead on it in relation to his mother. Best of luck to you with whatever comes next 😊

Wow. “We won’t tell mummy” tells you everything you need to know about how she looks after your child. You do need to move to a professional like a childminder or nursery and I’d be quite clear with her it’s because she undermined your chosen parenting strategy which means there’s no trust.

I would be livid. It isn’t just the dummy, it’s the lack of respect and prioritising her own wishes / desire to be popular with the child over the child’s welfare.

Looking after young children is exhausting and grandparents are old. Plus they are usually doing it for free. And sometimes have very old fashioned ideas. It's hardly surprising that the care may be suboptimal in some cases. Especially if they are being asked to do a lot of hours with very young children. I know some people who expect grandparents aged over 70 to do a full day's care for one or more preschoolers. Unsurprisingly it ends up being non stop TV and junk food with no trips out beyond the garden. I don't know if that is better than a nursery or childminder. Probably better to have each in moderation where possible. As long as the grandparent actually wants to have them

Bear in mind that MIL may be completely exhausted and relying on that nap. I think I'd be approaching this gently along the lines of what to do if she won't nap... (At nearly 3 this can't be far off anyway). Maybe an couple of hours of TV to give mil a break? Or maybe skip mil for a few weeks until little one has got used to being without the dummy.

@LookItsMeAgain Thank you 😊
DH, while ready to speak with his mum about this when we see her tomorrow - and also willing to take on the main arguments/moaning - feels we should stick with one day a week Granny care. So we are in a bit of tricky spot... lots of discussion going on 🙈

I'm adamant she won't do childcare for the next one at least - apart from anything else, she'll be turning 70, and I don't want her to he exhausted!

I don't understand why anyone would get into a battle about something like that. Why not just let the child use a bottle if they want? At some point they will start using a cup. Just go for the easy option. It makes zero difference in the long run. It's the same with the dummy. There will come an age where you can remove it with a bribe and they won't look back. That might be 3 or 6 months away. It won't affect teeth or speech if it's night time only.

If you feel strongly about dummies and bottles then don't give them to your baby in the first place. I don't get why a dummy is fine for a 2 year old but when they get to 2.5 it's got to go even though the child isn't ready and it really upsets them. Just seems bonkers. There's always this rush to get a child to the next stage.

I'd keep the granny care if you can bear to...you may be very glad when you have number 2. The first year with two can be extremely hard going and you may be really glad of the help if your new baby isn't a great sleeper

MIL annoyed that I was annoyed, and says she can do what she likes in her own house

This is not a workable foundation for a childcare set-up. Yes she's doing you a favour but this is your child and there are still boundaries. You need to have some confidence in the way she cares for your child when you're not there. She is telling you very clearly that she isn't interested in your boundaries or parenting choices and that's just not ok.

I'd definitely use paid childcare instead and just visit MIL as a family. It's frustrating not to have overnight childcare options but lots of us don't and we survive.

Agreed for those things. Getting shot of the dummy is a massive issue, she knows this and has completely undermined your parenting. I’d be fuming, it’s a ruddy trauma taking away the dummy. She doesn’t get to make that sort of decision.

Good luck with discussions, OP. Is DH keen to keep Granny one day a week to avoid a row or because he really thinks it’s best for DD?

I genuinely do think he believes it's best for DD - and us, and MIL... While really annoyed about the dummy, he's focusing on the positives all of us get from the arrangement (not just saving money! Mil does do really nice things with DD when they're together - they also watch loads of random TV, fine by me 😁).
I don't know.

For those saying it's not a big deal, let them keep bottle/dummy - they've still got to come off these sometime. I remember being nearly at school and having so much difficulty parting with my bloody dummy...ugh. I certainly don't want to rush my daughter to the next stage, I'm just trying help her.

This is offered gently to @CatLoaf and sharing to others...

As a mother (to adult dc) and a MIL, I find so many of these things difficult to navigate.

I love my dgc, I love having some time to care for them and I feel very happy to help out my dcs and dcs-in-law given the astronomical costs of child care. I have good relationships with all dcs and dcs-in-law (as far as I am aware and conscious that I can be a pita at times ), I feel priveleged to have such special time with dgc and happy that I'm trusted to be be an important part of their growing up.

There are SO many things that have changed over the years since I was a child (smacked by any adult in charge, travelled on someone's knee in the front seat of a car) and since my dc were young - slept on their side or front, weaned onto baby rice at 3months (2 months if they were a 'hungry' baby), use of CIO for sleep training...

With dcs and dcs-in-law I have always followed what they did whenever I could. However, sometimes it is difficult to understand exactly what the priorities are particularly when the priorities are different between different family members
"we don't generally let them watch cartoons but we don't mind if you do it occasionally"
"we don't usually let them have fast food but if you took them to McD's once in a blue moon, we wouldn't mind"
"we'd prefer if they didn't have a sleep late in the afternoon, but understand if that sometimes happens"

So then when information comes that is "we've stopped using the dummy" or "they need to use their words" or "the blankie is only for nighttimes" or "no fruit until they've tried everything on their plate". It can be difficult to know which developmental changes are all or nothing, and which ones are OK to adapt in particular circumstances, and again particularly when priorities and rules vary between different family members

And as a mid-60s grandparent, I find the most heartbreaking and deeply-exhausting times are when there is a dgc desperate for sleep, perhaps in their despair missing a mum/dad, and I'm denying them of both forms of familiar comfort. It feels cruel. And at my age that exhaustion brings me to my knees to I don't have the energy I used to to divert, redirect, entertain.

In general, I always follow dcs advice on anything related to safety. I prioritise anything related to food and health. I try to be an active and engaged gp and to minimise screen time wet January afternoons are an exception . I listen to parental information about changes to routines/habits/behaviour but please forgive me if I sometimes give in and don't get it right, all the time.

Also, to add to parts of the debate - my 2 year old undestood different rules at granny's house (what she could / couldn't touch) vis-a-vis Grandma's house.

As an example of the challenge in understanding priorities... (and following on from previous poststers responses)

I would NEVER give my dgc chocolate if their parents don't (actually I'd never give it anyway), I'd find other ways to treat them or distract them or reward them. That's an easy thing. And I'd perceive rewarding them with sugar as not part of current parenting patterns.

But if you want them to drink from a cup not a bottle, I'd perceive the priority as making sure they were hydrated.

Ditto with this, I might perceive the priority as the child being comforted and having a much needed nap.

Surely that is always going to be a problem with any other person (individual, nursery, professional , paid or otherwise) looking after someone's child.

Take a step back from the current behavioural training/ adaptation. What's the long term goal here? Warm surrounding family support and love (in all it's forms and varieties).

She might be angry but my response would be, if I tell nursery no dummy they know it means no dummy. They respect we are her parents even in their building, you did not. As a result we would like her in a place that follow our rules. You can see her when we are there too.

The thing that stands out to me is the 'We won't tell Mummy...' . Children should never be asked or told by another adult to keep anything a secret from their parents nor encouraged to think that it is OK to do this. I don't even have any children myself but it seems obvious to me that you just don't do this.

if the child had an hour nap i'm gonna assume it was needed? child won't nap without dummy (as OP states). so what was the alternative?
and yes, if a child refused a cup for MIL i'd absolutely want her to offer a bottle! should a child go without water just because they refuse a cup for granny? really?!?! i find that quite shocking tbh. child's needs come first.

YABU. She's doing you a favour looking after DD. If you don't like how's she's doing it, look after her yourself.

Yanbu. A friend of mine let her daughter continue with a dummy until she was 3 and now, aged 8, she still has a horrible way of speaking. What happens at granny’s house… is a horrible way to treat children and leaves them open to being abused elsewhere.

I’d definitely put your foot down, it’ll become more extreme, next she’ll be taking her for piercings etc behind your back when older. Also anyone find the comments from other parents telling OP not to stop her dummy a little patronising? Just because they have more than 1 child already doesn’t mean they can dictate what’s right for other peoples kid😂you know what’s best for your own kid mama! X

Anyone providing childcare whether paid for or family should not undermine decisions you make about your child.
She should be giving it up, she's at an age where it's going to cause long term damage to her teeth and you are doing the right thing.
Your MIL needs to follow what you ask or she no longer looks after her until she's prepared to respect your choices.

I don’t understand grandparents that say they’ll do whatever they want.
I must be incredibly lucky that my own parents and my in laws have always respected our rules and have always tried to implement the same rules in their own homes/follow our rules when with us etc.