MIL gave DD a dummy after we got rid of them

[CatLoaf]

I used to haaaate what I saw as 'MIL bashing' threads on here, but now realise things are a bit more...nuanced. Mine is kind, but also a pain.

Anyway, new baby coming soon and we've been thinking of removing DD's dummy for a while - because of all the usual stuff, plus didn't want to try taking it away with a baby around potentially using dummy too. We did the whole dummy fairy rigmarole, she was pretty upset but starting to accept it - hideously early mornings though😪 We told MIL all of this obviously, and mentioned that we have got rid of all dummies in the house so we're not tempted to give in. DD came back with MIL the other day unusually bouncy for that time - she never normally naps there - and MIL was full of the joys of a 1 hour nap. I said something like, wow that's great! I haven't been able to get her to nap without the dummy. And MIL got all coy and said, 'Well, we shan't tell Mummy about what we did', and it became evident that she'd just given her a fucking dummy. So weary of her, and it felt like it messed things up as DD was a nightmare to put down that night. (Maybe she would have been anyway! But it didn't help.) MIL annoyed that I was annoyed, and says she can do what she likes in her own house - which is totally true, but also just shitty of her.

I know the answer is to stop her looking after DD and use nursery for an extra day, but she'll be so angry and upset about it, and insistent that we don't want to see her etc. Just so weary :/ I don't even know what the AIBU is, sorry.

This was the reason my mum was able to have overnights and days with our children as she respected our views and I knew she would go with what we normally did.

in-laws on the other hand wouldn’t have.

This is nonsense. If nursery staff had given her a dummy for an easier time and then said "we shan't tell mummy about that", what would the response be?

Clearly you're not a parent and that would be why you don't understand.

Children need clear boundaries and need to trust their parents in order to feel safe and secure. OP has been setting a clear boundary and expectation for DD and telling her that there will be no more dummies. That boundary, whilst DD may not like it, ensures that DD is given clear parameters to work within and is healthy for a child. MIL, by giving the dummy, has confused DD and she no longer knows what the boundaries are and MIL has shown OP to be a liar by saying that there are no more dummies. OP now has a child who doesn't understand her boundaries because they've been blurred and doesn't have trust in what OP tells her - that's upsetting and unsettling for a young child because their entire world view is established by believing what their parents say. The fallout from this, that OP has to deal with, is tantruming, screaming, stress, upset, confusion and all manner of other difficult behaviours.

On top of that, I'm not sure why you think "she's not going to be still sucking on one in a year or two time" because she bloody will be if MIL keeps giving it to her. When used for too long, dummies can cause speech delays and dental issues so it's not appropriate to just give them to a child because it shuts them up and makes your life easier.

If you're admitting in your comment that you're not experienced enough to understand the situation at hand then don't comment - stick to giving advice on things you actually know about.

to get her to sleep, she gave her a dummy. This is normal for babies, I think? And your baby had a nice sleep and your MIL had a joyful time looking after her.

Child is nearly 3, not a baby!!

Yes you are not a parent.
Removing a dummy is a whole enterprise and it is confusing for the child to give it back. Undo the parents' hard work.

MIL annoyed that I was annoyed, and says she can do what she likes in her own house

I am a MIL - it is absolutely clear to me that it has nothing to do with which house you are in, but is solely to do with sticking by the parental rules - their child, their rules.

Now I am not saying that there isn't the odd treat when they are with me - rituals and things that happen with me that seldom happen at home, like being allowed to eat their tea on lap trays whilst watching a selected film on TV; and ice cream with sprinkles for pudding. Their parents know this happens and don't have a problem with it.

But I stick to their rules wherever I am with them - even if I do not necessarily agree with them!

YANBU.

Yes of course she can “do what she wants in her own house” but there are certain parenting decisions that are yours to make and she should respect. This is one of them.

There are lots of things that don’t matter if they’re different at your house at GP’s house, but this is clearly one that needs to be the same.

Stick to your guns OP, don’t give the dummy back. And well done for actually addressing it with MIL instead of smiling sweetly and then moaning about it on mn!

Do you think she will stop now you’ve asked her not to?

Agree with that. What's the rush?

I think this is fine for stuff like tv and chocolate, I am not chasing her up over every little thing - and am grateful for the childcare. It's not fine for major stuff like this though, which we thought we had clearly explained.

Ugh, why does that poster pitch up on every thread and think we all want to read his ignorant bullshit?

Just to say, I think that tea on lap tray in front of the telly sounds wonderful!

Imo the provider of childcare should leave you feeling satisfied your dc is in the best environment you can provide. Not leave you stressed about what is going on while you are at work...

This is something I wouldn't have understood before I had children either. But now I do.

A dummy is essentially a nipple substitute. It provides comfort and helps some infants to sleep. Weaning an infant off a dummy is a long and hard process, and requires consistency for it to work. OP had already been through some of the pain of weaning (including, I imagine, lots of tears and sleepless nights), and MIL has totally confused things by giving DD a dummy. Any progress OP makes will be undermined if MIL continues to give DD a dummy at hers, and OP will be the one suffering the consequences.

I don’t agree with the “I’ll do what I want in my own house” comment tbh. If my MIL said that to me she would be told “Not with MY CHILD, you won’t!!”.

Does this mean that when you’re in her house with DC for a visit she takes over discipline for your child? Can she just do whatever she wants with your DC because you’re under her roof? It’s just such an arrogant statement to make…..

This is simply not true. Dummies are not bad for speech or teeth 🙄

Haha! (it’s not funny).

Some people (me) have to pay through the nose for every second of childcare they get. You get overnights, weekends, a day a week and you’ve found something to be “fuming” about. Get over yourself, it doesn’t matter at all, you’re going nuts the very first time something has gone wrong, because it’s slightly inconvenienced you, meanwhile your MIL is freely giving you thousands of pounds worth of loving care for your DD.

Count your blessings, OP, and try not to be so ungrateful. It really gets under my skin when people just don’t see the incredible generosity afforded to them, and instead choose to bitch and moan about tiny, imagined slights.

Not using her for childcare doesn’t mean you can’t ask her to babysit/she can’t ask to have your wee one(s) overnight or at weekends/holidays. Quite the reverse in my opinion.

Then it is all about their relationship, no doubt things will be different at her house but it will be in the nature of treats rather than everyday stuff. Worth considering.

That’s not strictly true. They have huge benefits, but if relied upon for too long and used too much, they can interfere with the palette, tooth development and sound formation.

The worst part of this is MIL telling your child to keep a secret from you. This is not on, you must recruit your DP in dealing with this, speaking to her and spelling out the obvious safeguarding issues. I'm not saying MIL is a risk in herself, but no child should be encouraged to keep secrets from their parents.

@OwwwMuuuum

This is such a non argument. I see responses like this far too often on this site and it boils my blood.

If I buy you a pint and then punch you in the face, do you have to still be grateful for the pint and let me keep punching you? No……

People can’t disrespect you, and do as they please because they’re doing you a favour.

Nursery staff are paid employees.

MIL is a free family resource.

Youre telling me you don’t know the difference, or are you being deliberately obtuse?

I guess you get 30 hours free and have family willing to fill in the gaps. Those of us who have to actually pay for their childcare see these things a bit differently.

Dummies don’t cause as much trouble for adult teeth as thumb sucking, as a dummy habit is usually curbed before the age of seven. You should be aware, though, that the longer your child uses a dummy, the more chance there is that the structure of their mouth will be affected.

This can affect how baby teeth, and permanent teeth later on, meet when they close their mouth or bite down.

^Dummies can also affect speech development, which is why they aren’t recommended for children over a year old.*

If thumb sucking or dummy use continues beyond the age of seven, when adult teeth start to appear, it can affect the position of your child’s teeth in three ways:

A vertical gap between the front teeth, known as an open bite, may develop where the teeth are making space for the thumb or dummy. This can make it hard to bite certain foods
The upper front teeth may begin to stick out
The upper jaw may narrow and cause a crossbite – where the back teeth don’t meet in the correct position

^As a result, your child might end up needing braces braces to fix the problem in the future.*

The extent of the damage usually depends on how often and for how long your child sucks their thumb – they’ll usually have problems with their teeth if they suck for more than six hours per day or night beyond the age of seven years’ old.

Source, BUPA: www.bupa.co.uk/dental/dental-care/services/parents-and-children/blog/how-thumb-sucking-and-dummies-affect-teeth

Well, it boils my blood that some people get free childcare and take it for granted, while others have to pay nearly their entire salary for it. We all have our crosses to bear!

I know, he’s literally on every thread I read lately. I just don’t get it.

Your childcare situation isn’t anyone else’s problem. Neither is your envy.