MIL gave DD a dummy after we got rid of them

[CatLoaf]

I used to haaaate what I saw as 'MIL bashing' threads on here, but now realise things are a bit more...nuanced. Mine is kind, but also a pain.

Anyway, new baby coming soon and we've been thinking of removing DD's dummy for a while - because of all the usual stuff, plus didn't want to try taking it away with a baby around potentially using dummy too. We did the whole dummy fairy rigmarole, she was pretty upset but starting to accept it - hideously early mornings though😪 We told MIL all of this obviously, and mentioned that we have got rid of all dummies in the house so we're not tempted to give in. DD came back with MIL the other day unusually bouncy for that time - she never normally naps there - and MIL was full of the joys of a 1 hour nap. I said something like, wow that's great! I haven't been able to get her to nap without the dummy. And MIL got all coy and said, 'Well, we shan't tell Mummy about what we did', and it became evident that she'd just given her a fucking dummy. So weary of her, and it felt like it messed things up as DD was a nightmare to put down that night. (Maybe she would have been anyway! But it didn't help.) MIL annoyed that I was annoyed, and says she can do what she likes in her own house - which is totally true, but also just shitty of her.

I know the answer is to stop her looking after DD and use nursery for an extra day, but she'll be so angry and upset about it, and insistent that we don't want to see her etc. Just so weary :/ I don't even know what the AIBU is, sorry.

I'm a bit late to actually posting but House Rules (i.e. doing what she likes in her own house) are things like whether shoes have to be taken off at the front door, or where people sit at a dining table; things like dummies are Parenting, which over-ride them and have to be observed consistently.

The OPs child is going to be 3 yrs old, and going to be an older sibling around the time that the new baby is likely to want/need a soother.
The OP and her DH spent a lot of time and effort getting their soon-to be 3yr old off the dummy and MiL rode roughshod over their efforts.

@CatLoaf - Your DH will have to have a word with his mother. Yes, she can look after DD, but no, she can't give her a dummy to get to sleep. You had the whinging/crying to get to sleep and have come out the other side. You need her support with this and if she continues to give DD a dummy so that she can have a nap, I'm sorry but that arrangement doesn't work for any of us, including DD as it's sending confusing messages to her.

I would try and source babysitters in your area as you will need them when MiL can't 'help' out in the way she is.

Best of luck with it all.

Op I think you have this right after reading all your posts. As I said I am a mil and I think she sounds a tad difficult to put it mildly. Let dd enjoy get company randomly but don't be beholden to her. Good luck 👍👍👍👍 it's such a tricky relationship but my mantra is mummy knows best.

Just to say I have never had any help with childcare of 3 children and have spent (and continue to spend) a small fortune as a result and I still think you are a hundred percent justified. Not that the two are related but just wanted to highlight that. Honestly it’s confusing and disrespectful and ultimately she’s willing to make something harder for a small child to make life easier for her which is a worry as this seems to be ALL about her. If she’s difficult with others and feuds and escalates that dynamic will be more clear to your DD as she gets older and having her feel the need to keep secrets or keep the peace and be in the middle of that dynamic isn’t helpful or healthy. I hope it all settles down and gets resolved without too much stress.

The "I can do what I like in my own house" doesn't apply to things like dummies. It's completely different to slipping them some sweets, or having an extra 10 minutes at bedtime etc.

She needs to be told by your DH that she was out of order and all she is doing is upsetting DD and making life difficult for both him and you.

Paid childcare may be your only option if she won't stick to your boundaries.

MIL annoyed that I was annoyed, and says she can do what she likes in her own house - which is totally true, but also just shitty of her.
Er - that's not true.
Of course she can't do precisely the opposite of what you need for DD, just because it's under her own roof! Why would you think so?

She's also got no business in being annoyed about it.
This is her cock-up, yet you are the one who gets the brunt of the consequences. MiL is only acting annoyed because she doesn't want to own her behaviour, apologise for it or amend it.

I know the answer is to stop her looking after DD and use nursery for an extra day, but she'll be so angry and upset about it, and insistent that we don't want to see her etc. Just so weary :/ I don't even know what the AIBU is, sorry.
Tell her she doesn't get to guilt trip you are deliberately flouting your rules.
Again - why are you tiptoeing arounf MiL's "upset", when YOU are the one who has the right to be upset?

Yeah sorry you're gonna have to give up those nights off.
She's shown how little she cares about what's best for DD really. Everybody knows how hard this is on kids.
It will not be a one time thing and it's not fair on DD.

Don't hide the reason, she'll know why and you pretending otherwise gives credit to her argument that you're wrong to.

Explain, as much as you appreciate all the childcare, what she did caused a lot of upset for DD and has made the next days/weeks so much h harder for you and DD. You don't think it's good for DD to ot know where she stands so during this time of unsettlement for her, lost dummy, new baby, you're going to stop the childcare and just see MIL together as a family instead. You still want them to have a good relationship but it's important that everyone, including DD and MIL understand that it's you and DH that make the parenting decisions.

YANBU to be upset and angry your MIL has done this OP. Both my DCs had dummies and both times it was a rough ride to break the habit.

BUT

With the benefit of hindsight, it could actually be fine. Even really young children learn there are different rules for different places/people. My DD1 was a terrible napper and needed the conditions 'just right'... except at nursery, when she slept the same as all the other children, despite noise, lights, a hard mat on the floor, and no books and cuddles. DD2 would only nap for me in the buggy or car seat (a symptom of being the second child!)... except for, you guessed it, at nursery. They would also jump all over DH at your DC's age, but wouldn't with me because they understood we had different boundaries.

However, the keeping secrets thing would be a hill I would die on. That needs to be explained very bluntly and graphically to MIL why your DC should never be told to keep a secret from you.

MIL annoyed that I was annoyed, and says she can do what she likes in her own house - which is totally true, but also just shitty of her.

See, I’d be willing to let the incident slide as in the grand scheme of things it’s not that big of a deal- as a one off. Incredibly annoying mind you. But the above comment is maddening. She can do what she likes in her home but not with your child without the say so of you, her parents. It just doesn’t work like that.

It's like the baby equivalent of buying a drink for a recovering alcoholic who has just managed to get sober. All the work and upset of breaking the reliance is wasted for the sake of MIL having one easier day.

I’m a Nana and I have my wonderful DGC once a week. I consider it a privilege that I’m allowed to be part of their upbringing, and a complete joy to spend time with them. Even though I’m knackered… but i am very clear that it’s their child and their rules. I’ve had my time…

Your MiL is totally out of order and needs to be told so very firmly. Personally, I would out your daughter I to nursery, as MiL clearly can’t be trusted. She can moan all she likes but actions have consequences.

But the really worrying bit is getting your DD to keep a secret from mummy… totally unacceptable, and this is how children get groomed. Not suggesting anything like that but again, MiL needs to know how bad her actions have been.

Please do not compare the 2, they are absolutely not comparable. Buying a recovering alcoholic a drink could kill them, giving a toddler a dummy won't.

Then I think overnights is taking the piss if you feel like that

@Nanny0gg I just remembered you from the I'm a Celebrity threads! Fun (when people weren't lecturing on the sins of Hancock 😃)
Anyway, I don't want to take the piss, I wouldn't make her do overnights! - but MIL tends to drive me up the wall with some of her behaviour. I think it's ok to vent a bit on MN, with the massive arse description 🤷‍♀️

As a recovering alcoholic, I get the comparison! Obviously it's not exactly the same...ha 🙈🙈 but all going back to square one if you have 'it' again

Up to a point, when she has your child she can make certain choices/decisions, I agree. But not when she has been specifically told, or asked, by the parents to do or not to do something. No matter what her personal thoughts about it are.
I'd be annoyed too.

what a horrid comment.

Huge red flag if she can't respect how you want to bring up your child. Yes she can do what she wants in her home but how is that going to work long term if she can't respect your parenting. My MIL looks after my daughter whilst I work and would absolutely respect any new requests I made even if it meant she had a harder time initially.

Hi OP

I absolutely agree with you. Weaning a child off a dummy is so hard! For things to be getting better and then your MIL to undo all of the hard work is awful. I would be so annoyed by this. Not sure why people think your being unreasonable.

When we took dummy off DC at child at 4 months it made me understand how people are addicted to crack and heroine.

MIL reignited the addiction

I disagree with most of the comments and think you are being quite unreasonable.

Your MIL is looking after your child for free and your decision to remove the dummy would then have made her day really hard and stressful. I personally don’t like my baby having certain sweetened foods or my 4YO napping after school but on the one day a week my step mum has them for me for free all day I let her do things her way because I wouldn’t want my rules making it extremely hard work when she’s doing me a favour.

I think you need to cut your MIL some slack. She clearly loves her GD and likes looking after her. Don’t ruin a relationship for the sake of a dummy.

@Beachloveramy, it's not about the dummy as it's about her overriding the wishes of her GDs parents.

100% she will do other things you'll eventually be unhappy with. She knows best after all.
I know this from my own mother. I ended up paying for childcare, simpler, and more trustworthy than such circumstances!

It’s the childcare aspect that complicates it. Your MIL will feel at least a bit that you need to be grateful to her…leading to her say her house her rules. (What about smacking, for eg? Utter rubbish). In her mind, it’s a long day and she’ll feel “entitled” to make it easier on herself by getting the child to nap with a dummy - because she’s doing you a favour. It’s the least you can do, accommodate this.

Yes, knock it on the head with the childcare. Just a morning or afternoon, arranged ad hoc. My parents and in-laws never provided childcare when my DC were little (too difficult!) and that hasn’t in the least bit affected their relationship. Now that they’re old enough to bathe, clothe and feed themselves, they go for a week at a time, two or three times a year. If anything, I’d say doing it when they’re older is better for everyone involved!

To be fair, you’re the one doing the shouting down.