MIL gave DD a dummy after we got rid of them

[CatLoaf]

I used to haaaate what I saw as 'MIL bashing' threads on here, but now realise things are a bit more...nuanced. Mine is kind, but also a pain.

Anyway, new baby coming soon and we've been thinking of removing DD's dummy for a while - because of all the usual stuff, plus didn't want to try taking it away with a baby around potentially using dummy too. We did the whole dummy fairy rigmarole, she was pretty upset but starting to accept it - hideously early mornings though😪 We told MIL all of this obviously, and mentioned that we have got rid of all dummies in the house so we're not tempted to give in. DD came back with MIL the other day unusually bouncy for that time - she never normally naps there - and MIL was full of the joys of a 1 hour nap. I said something like, wow that's great! I haven't been able to get her to nap without the dummy. And MIL got all coy and said, 'Well, we shan't tell Mummy about what we did', and it became evident that she'd just given her a fucking dummy. So weary of her, and it felt like it messed things up as DD was a nightmare to put down that night. (Maybe she would have been anyway! But it didn't help.) MIL annoyed that I was annoyed, and says she can do what she likes in her own house - which is totally true, but also just shitty of her.

I know the answer is to stop her looking after DD and use nursery for an extra day, but she'll be so angry and upset about it, and insistent that we don't want to see her etc. Just so weary :/ I don't even know what the AIBU is, sorry.

Posters who focus on the dummy aren’t getting the point. It’s not down to grandparents to go against the parental decision. She knew the situation and deliberately went against it. So now there are consequences as the trust has broken. The end.

Your MIL doing childcare doesn't equate to her doing what she wants. Undoing all the work with removing the dummy is not acceptable and i feel sorry for your young child. It will be confusing for her and its unacceptable all round.

Aprop

Yes I see and I did say this is something I would not do but equally is it worth breaking the relationship over this. I think it's a tricky one and unfortunately in mumsnet you get the crazy ' go no contact v the op is being silly!' Usually it's best to try to meet somewhere in the middle but mumsnet v RL as usual

That's when she said the thing about not having realised she couldn't do what she wanted in her own house

this attitude of hers means that you’ll have other issues further down the line. End the free child care and send her to nursery or a child minder. She can still see her grandchild.

Giving up a dummy is like overcoming an addiction. Once they've given it up, there has to be no going back.

If grandmother thinks she can do what she wants for an easy life, regardless of your rules, then you need to have a serious talk.

Bringing up children is hard enough without having someone undermining you on every little thing. You need to know that when you say something, adults involved will support you and 'hold the line', whether it's bedtimes and teeth-brushing, or when they get older, watching horror films or wearing makeup; you get to make the rules.

Sadly, I think too many grandparents like being popular and 'cool' more than they respect parents.

I'm a grandmother who does a lot of care of my grandchildren and would never go against the mothers' rules for their children. If I accidentally contradict their ways of doing things, I immediately apologise in front of the grandchildren, because I know how important that respect is now and especially in the future when these little people are rebellious teens. Most of the time though, we avoid these issues by talking about it in advance. United we stand!

The overstepping boundaries and declaring that they could do what they wanted in their house was the end of my PIL ever having my eldest child again. It wasn't childcare, I was a sahm but if they were willing to literally ignore what rules I put in place when I was there, I knew it would be bad when I wasn't there. The final issue was when they put Ds in danger and when I tried to explain I was told to stop talking about it. So me, Dh and Ds left their house and they never looked after him again.

It might be their house, but this is your child. And having weaned a toddler off a dummy myself it is bloody hard work. Do not allow your MIL to dictate what happens with your child and do you really want her to have a close relationship when it appears that she undermines you? Don't cave just because the fall out from not caving will be worse.

I she can't just do what she wants in her own house with your daughter

If she agrees to look after her there will be a certain amount of parenting decisions that she has to abide by (this being one)

If she can't agree to do that she can't look after her

She isn't being fair on your child by undermining you as parents

It is a difficult one. I think it's important for DD to have a good relationship with her grandparents, and she enjoys being at Granny's (lots of telly...).

I find MIL very hard going - she is pretty much no contact herself with 2 siblings, they seem to feud a lot - and tbh would be happy seeing her once a month or something. BUT, most of the time she and DD spend together seems nice - they go out for playdates, MIL teaches her letters, they take trips on the bus. I think it's really sad that she's done this dummy thing - that plus some past behavior while we were on holiday together (oops, I have committed the sin of dripping), and her general v fast zero to screamy when DH does confront her about her anything. I wish it wasn't like this :/

I think use of a dummy (and sensibly stopping it well before a new baby arrives) is one of the BIGGEST deals. On a par with adhering to genuine diet requirements.

My advise OP, is to go full time with paid childcare now.

Give up your over nights. Your sanity and your child's well being is worth more than having child free nights.

I'd be very unhappy too OP. It will make things harder for you and your DD.

Looking after preschoolers is bloody tough and I can understand if MIL doesn't fancy the slog of difficult things like putting a toddler down for a nap without their beloved dummy. If that's the case though, she shouldn't be doing so much childcare and should switch to doing the fun stuff for a shorter period. Providing a full day on a regular basis will include doing plenty of the difficult bits and she needs to be on board with that (presumably you're coming up to toilet training? Might be worth a conversation now.)

(Signed, someone who pays for five days of childcare for two DC, no free hours here.)

It IS a big deal - thanks for saying that.

Much better to sort this before you have new baby.

Get DDs new routine in place so she feels nothing much changes.

MIL isn't going to want to have both kids for days or nights is she? So this soon to be the end of an era anyway? If that makes sense?

You can sell it to her like that. You want DD to be a full time child care routine before baby arrives. Avoid the dummy argument altogether.

Can you revisit the conversation with MIL, OP? See if she can, on reflection, understand she was wrong? I’d still find it hard to trust her but if you’re willing and want to give her a second chance this seems crucial to enable that.

When we took DD's dummy away, the thing that stopped me caving was the thought that if I once gave in, it made every time I hadn't, and she had got upset, cruel. I would have been failing to follow through just because I was finding it tough, and accepting that it was OK for her to find it tough.

For me, it is a big deal that MIL couldn't support you in this because it means that DD now doesn't know whether she can have it or not..., it is just on the whim of whichever adult is with her and that's really mean IMO.

YANBU. You did all the hard work getting rid of it - and timing sounds like a factor, too. Then MIL wants to be the good guy (and perhaps have an hour off) so shoves one back in her mouth.

This is not just about MIL going against your wishes and undoing the progress, it's actually confusing for DD, who now has to give it up again.

Can you have a serious chat with MIL and explain why losing the dummy was important (teeth, speech etc)? Would she really get it? If yes, then maybe try again, but if not then I'd use the nursery.

Thanks guys. And what @Laiste said is true - with another child arriving, I feel like it will be a bit 'end of an era', and I wouldn't have her looking after a young baby anyway... so her providing childcare can just be wound up. If that makes sense

Re: revisiting the convo. I agree it's the right thing to do on paper.

IF you can trust her. Because now she knows if she keeps it a secret (there should be NO secrets by the way)(i had to pull my own mother up on this with DD4) there won't be any fall out. Mummy won't know .....

How will you know if she's following your wishes? Without questioning DD and all that unpleasant scenario!?

Plus - if you do decide you want to do full time paid childcare AFTER another row discussion, it's going to be obvious this dummy business was the catalyst for that. This will make if feel like a personal attack (stopping using her for childcare) and be more likely to cause fireworks and bad feeling.

If you play it cool and just say no no nothing wrong we just want to get DD into full time paid care routine long before baby comes so she doesn't feel pushed aside, then perhaps it will go down easier with MIL.

Pick your battles basically.
With family it's sometimes easier to rise above it all, make changes, and sort stuff the simplest way without a row or a battle of wills. If she's not doing long stretches of child care then there's no fights to be had.

I agree that this IS a big deal. Not only is it confusing for poor DD and a big setback in her dummy withdrawal (which impacts you all) but it is probably the thin end of the wedge. “My house, my rules” does not apply when dealing with other people’s children - otherwise, where would it end? I would (kindly) put my foot down now.

Is a dummy really worth that? She could have it for the time she's at your mils bit then not at home?

Sorry I can't remember who wrote this but I can't see how this would work. It's confusing for DD, and OP will have to deal with the fallout each week when she refuses to let DD have the comfort of a dummy at home. The only person really benefitting from this setup is MIL.

Not suggesting PP is saying this, but I think some people are comparing a dummy to a chocolate bar (a treat), when it's actually a much bigger deal than that.

She can't do what she wants in her house with your child. It's your child. What if she wants to smack your child in her house or feed her crap. You are the parent and you make parenting decisions including dummy. Your child your rules.

What if she wants to smack your child in her house

Exactly! This is where the free childcare/their house, their rules argument loses all credibility IMO.

IF you can trust her. Because now she knows if she keeps it a secret (there should be NO secrets by the way)(i had to pull my own mother up on this with DD4) there won't be any fall out. Mummy won't know .....

I was thinking this. "We shant tell Mummy" is not on. It's not like a toddler having a lick of ice cream.

I’m a mil and grandma. That’s awful. And so confusing for your poor child. So she ‘can do what she likes in her own house’ - absolutely. But make it plain (blunt) that she’ll not be doing anything with your daughter as she won’t be there. Doing it bad enough, that attitude makes it so much worse.

I think is the main point of this post is that it's a decision you and your partner made and that should be respected. It doesn't really matter other people's opinions on when if or why you should phase a dummy out as that's not the advice you're looking for.

Phasing dummies out is a common thing, you haven't made an unusual or uncommon decision here. You don't have to justify your decision :-) It's not the point of the post. The point is that your decisions, especially ones that if broken could set your progress back, should be respected.

If the phasing out of the dummy is going to cause your MIL to have a difficult time looking after her in the meantime, she's quite within her rights to turn around and say "ok, I understand that this is the decision you've made but at the moment whilst she's not used to being without the dummy it's a bit too much for me to look after her on my own, I'll come round and visit instead until she's more settled". In my opinion this one is more on the grandmother as it's her who has an issue with the decision.

Really appreciate most of the posts, thanks! Coming to the realisation that I need to put the plan of DD moving from Granny to nursery into action - but hopefully in a sensitive way, as you describe @Laiste