MIL gave DD a dummy after we got rid of them

[CatLoaf]

I used to haaaate what I saw as 'MIL bashing' threads on here, but now realise things are a bit more...nuanced. Mine is kind, but also a pain.

Anyway, new baby coming soon and we've been thinking of removing DD's dummy for a while - because of all the usual stuff, plus didn't want to try taking it away with a baby around potentially using dummy too. We did the whole dummy fairy rigmarole, she was pretty upset but starting to accept it - hideously early mornings though😪 We told MIL all of this obviously, and mentioned that we have got rid of all dummies in the house so we're not tempted to give in. DD came back with MIL the other day unusually bouncy for that time - she never normally naps there - and MIL was full of the joys of a 1 hour nap. I said something like, wow that's great! I haven't been able to get her to nap without the dummy. And MIL got all coy and said, 'Well, we shan't tell Mummy about what we did', and it became evident that she'd just given her a fucking dummy. So weary of her, and it felt like it messed things up as DD was a nightmare to put down that night. (Maybe she would have been anyway! But it didn't help.) MIL annoyed that I was annoyed, and says she can do what she likes in her own house - which is totally true, but also just shitty of her.

I know the answer is to stop her looking after DD and use nursery for an extra day, but she'll be so angry and upset about it, and insistent that we don't want to see her etc. Just so weary :/ I don't even know what the AIBU is, sorry.

I have provided 'free childcare' for years.

I have followed the parents' wishes on most issues. And I absolutely would over dummies

Hmm, DH didn't say this...

It is very disrespectful and it smacks of 'I know better so I shall do what I like' however, I think the important thing is to stop this encouraging of 'secrets' from mummy and daddy. It's an incredibly important lesson for children to learn that if someone is asking you to keep a secret from a parent, then it's normally because what they are doing is wrong and the child should be aware that it's exactly those situations that should be told to parents. Not to be confused with 'surprises' which of course are fun exciting things like birthday presents and parties that the adults will know about eventually!

If I was in your situation, I'd probably remind MIL about how continuity and routine is important for transitions and it only works if everyone is supporting each other to guide dd along. If it doesn't work, I'd go for an extra nursery day!

Well, it boils my blood that some people get free childcare and take it for granted, while others have to pay nearly their entire salary for it. We all have our crosses to bear!

It’s not exactly free if you have to worry that someone is going to overstep the boundaries you have in place while caring for your child. All of my salary paid for my son’s nursery fees too and I would do it again instead of going through the worry because if they are happy to overstep one boundary, they are usually happy to overstep others which causes issues for when children do go home.

It is incredibly annoying. But does it really matter? It's free chicane as long as she is not attached to it in school is it really such a big deal? Especially if she doesn't have one anywhere else.

“So I must be piled upon! Mumsnet is not the place it used to be. You get absolutely viciously shouted down these days if you even dare to disagree with things.”

Uh……..isn’t that what you done to the OP at the beginning of this thread??? 🤔

I think he gets a semi-on from negative attention.

Irony, as a concept, is lost on that particular ‘hun’.

seems a tad unfair to describe her as a massive pain in the arse on the basis of this

she behaved thoughtlessly and disrespectfully but if otherwise good, positive and loving relationship - It strikes me as harsh to describe her like the above

Your MIL needs to support your parenting decisions. Little treats are things like chocolate and tv. Not giving back a dummy after she had finally gotten used to coping without it.

Did she do it to make her life easier or to give your dd a treat (and be the good granny)

If she couldn't deal with naps etc without using a dummy then you need to look at nursery for that day. She will make toilet training a nightmare.

If it's because she wanted to do a good thing for your dd then you need to clearly explain while dd was happy for one nap, she was upset and distressed for days after it. Hopefully she will understand and support you in future.

So op as a mil and obviously a mum 😂 I can see both sides here as there are to most things in life. So I have 4 grown up children and 3 grandchildren and I help with child care. I would not do what your mil did BUT do remember by giving free child care within our own busy lives it's a pleasure but also a sacrifice. Your mil has 'done her time' as such with hour dh. Equally I expect she's at least 25 plus years older than you snd looking after small children is knackering! I too have GC one night a week since oldest was 6 weeks old again as love it but once I have dropped them at school I do feel relived

My point really is she is doing you a big favour snd clearly your dh wants over night care? Do you really think it's worth a huge row? Is a dummy really worth that? She could have it for the time she's at your mils bit then not at home? She b at school soon snd Will discard it anyway

See my grandchildren are allowed pizza and chips on the night they stop but know that's just at nannas house.

Probably put it badly but do you see my point?

Find alternative childcare and she can get angry if she wants. You're not stopping her from seeing DD... you just don't leave her with her for more that a couple of hours and not at nap time.

There are other things which contribute to my description of her as a massive pain in the arse, not just the dummy situation... I don't really want to list them

When does your mil think is a good time for children to stop using dummies?

I would be really cross if my mil did this to me but it's a tricky situation as your child will spend time with her. This may not be a battle to fall out over.
I don't know what the solution is

Well then how can anonymous posters respond re whether you would be unreasonable to I know the answer is to stop her looking after DD and use nursery for an extra day,

On the basis of this as a complete one off, then unfair and OTT of you, however it would now seem something of a drip drip is coming our way

@smileladiesplease

I do see your point but I agree with PPs that a dummy is different to other occasional treats at a grandparents house.

OP has to either stick to her guns and drop the dummy altogether, in all environments, or decide to let her daughter continue to have the dummy for a while longer.

I think going back on the whole dummy fairy thing is confusing and upsetting.

I'm not dripping anything 😙And my blood is not boiling, there are no fumes... all ok.

Also, I would argue that it is NOT 'OTT and unfair' of me to be pissed off about this situation, and to describe MIL as behaving like a massive arse. She did.

Did I say that? No.

of course be pissed off about this but to stop her caring for her GD once a week on the basis of this without a backstory that you have alluded to… would be OTT. As indeed to describe her as a “massive pain in the arse” on the basis of this without knowing the drip drip you allude to

I'd be sending her to childcare instead of MIL's. Who fucking cares if MIL will be upset?

Purely attention-seeking.

I don't agree with you - that's fine. (I realise you didn't say anything about boiling blood btw! Just my weak attempt at a joke by referencing some strife earlier in the thread.) There is no drip drip. I think it's fairly obvious from the behavior descried, that MIL is not generally the calmest or most reasonable person.

😑

Even if this had been the only ever cause of concern and aside from this - all positive and loving and your DD loved going to granny and you loved your MIL?

Given you say that you always hated mil bashing threads and otherwise happy with you MIL, it did seem that this was the first issue that had cropped up

Well, sorry to have given you that impression I guess