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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL gave DD a dummy after we got rid of them

199 replies

CatLoaf · 12/01/2023 09:21

I used to haaaate what I saw as 'MIL bashing' threads on here, but now realise things are a bit more...nuanced. Mine is kind, but also a pain.

Anyway, new baby coming soon and we've been thinking of removing DD's dummy for a while - because of all the usual stuff, plus didn't want to try taking it away with a baby around potentially using dummy too. We did the whole dummy fairy rigmarole, she was pretty upset but starting to accept it - hideously early mornings though😪 We told MIL all of this obviously, and mentioned that we have got rid of all dummies in the house so we're not tempted to give in. DD came back with MIL the other day unusually bouncy for that time - she never normally naps there - and MIL was full of the joys of a 1 hour nap. I said something like, wow that's great! I haven't been able to get her to nap without the dummy. And MIL got all coy and said, 'Well, we shan't tell Mummy about what we did', and it became evident that she'd just given her a fucking dummy. So weary of her, and it felt like it messed things up as DD was a nightmare to put down that night. (Maybe she would have been anyway! But it didn't help.) MIL annoyed that I was annoyed, and says she can do what she likes in her own house - which is totally true, but also just shitty of her.

I know the answer is to stop her looking after DD and use nursery for an extra day, but she'll be so angry and upset about it, and insistent that we don't want to see her etc. Just so weary :/ I don't even know what the AIBU is, sorry.

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 12/01/2023 09:50

Fucking hell I'd be livid !

Original poster
CatLoaf · 12/01/2023 09:51

Please don't tempt me to just give the dummy back! DH was stronger on giving it up now than I was, mostly because he was concerned about new baby jealousy and thought we should do it as far away from the due date as possible.

Daughter will be 3 in the Spring - she had started to want the dummy in daytime, trying to sneak up to her room and get it (poor little addict), and I think it's least confusing to just stick with it being gone now. She's actually done really well.

OP posts:
Bakeacaketoday73 · 12/01/2023 09:53

Keyansier · 12/01/2023 09:27

I don't get your response to this (but I'm not a parent so may not fully understand).

But it seems like your MIL looked after your daughter. To get her to sleep, she gave her a dummy. This is normal for babies, I think? And your baby had a nice sleep and your MIL had a joyful time looking after her. Yes, ok, you may be weaning her off a dummy right now but she's not going to be still sucking on one in a year or two time and what is one day where she was allowed one?

Firstly the DD is not a baby, shes older than that.

Dummies are bad for teeth and speech, and basically they need ditching sooner rather than later. (although this is difficult once kids get attached to them and especially difficult if the dc turn out to have SN)

Kids will hang on to them until they are school age+ if you don't intervene.

And yes - you clearly aren't a parent else you would realise all this.

blondiepinka · 12/01/2023 09:53

Your MIL is out of line and is not respecting your boundaries. MILS can be tricky and it can be hard to know what to say in the moment so as not to offend or upset them but also state and stick to your boundaries. You need to be firm with her about this. Otherwise you should put your daughter in nursery the extra day and tell MIL it's because she isn't respecting your boundaries. Nip this in the bud now before it gets worse and don't back down.

blondiepinka · 12/01/2023 09:53

Your MIL is out of line and is not respecting your boundaries. MILS can be tricky and it can be hard to know what to say in the moment so as not to offend or upset them but also state and stick to your boundaries. You need to be firm with her about this. Otherwise you should put your daughter in nursery the extra day and tell MIL it's because she isn't respecting your boundaries. Nip this in the bud now before it gets worse and don't back down.

blondiepinka · 12/01/2023 09:53

Your MIL is out of line and is not respecting your boundaries. MILS can be tricky and it can be hard to know what to say in the moment so as not to offend or upset them but also state and stick to your boundaries. You need to be firm with her about this. Otherwise you should put your daughter in nursery the extra day and tell MIL it's because she isn't respecting your boundaries. Nip this in the bud now before it gets worse and don't back down.

NewMum0305 · 12/01/2023 09:54

Get rid of the dummy. Tell your MIL that it may be her house, but she’s your child, your rules and if that doesn’t sit well with her, you understand that she can no longer look after her and you’ll up your nursery days (obviously in a nicer, calmer way!)

You wouldn’t let her smack your child in her house because its “her house, her rules” (extreme but my point is the whole premise of her argument is flawed).

helloelsie · 12/01/2023 09:54

Your MIL is out of line and is not respecting your boundaries. MILS can be tricky and it can be hard to know what to say in the moment so as not to offend or upset them but also state and stick to your boundaries. You need to be firm with her about this. Otherwise you should put your daughter in nursery the extra day and tell MIL it's because she isn't respecting your boundaries. Nip this in the bud now before it gets worse and don't back down.

helloelsie · 12/01/2023 09:54

Your MIL is out of line and is not respecting your boundaries. MILS can be tricky and it can be hard to know what to say in the moment so as not to offend or upset them but also state and stick to your boundaries. You need to be firm with her about this. Otherwise you should put your daughter in nursery the extra day and tell MIL it's because she isn't respecting your boundaries. Nip this in the bud now before it gets worse and don't back down.

Climbles · 12/01/2023 09:55

I’d stop letting your MIL look after your DD not really because of the dummy thing but because even when you confronted her she wasn’t prepared to admit that she had crossed a line or rethink her behaviour. This will not be an isolated incident.

Bakeacaketoday73 · 12/01/2023 09:56

I'd be saying to MIL thinkgs like

"I can't believe you would hurt DD like that..."
"DD is going to be so upset by what you have done..."

I would also be calling her when DD is melting down as you have no dummy, and asking her to help explain....

helloelsie · 12/01/2023 09:57

Your MIL is out of line and is not respecting your boundaries. MILS can be tricky and it can be hard to know what to say in the moment so as not to offend or upset them but also state and stick to your boundaries. You need to be firm with her about this. Otherwise you should put your daughter in nursery the extra day and tell MIL it's because she isn't respecting your boundaries. Nip this in the bud now before it gets worse and don't back down.

Follycastle · 12/01/2023 09:58

CatLoaf · 12/01/2023 09:51

Please don't tempt me to just give the dummy back! DH was stronger on giving it up now than I was, mostly because he was concerned about new baby jealousy and thought we should do it as far away from the due date as possible.

Daughter will be 3 in the Spring - she had started to want the dummy in daytime, trying to sneak up to her room and get it (poor little addict), and I think it's least confusing to just stick with it being gone now. She's actually done really well.

Don’t listen to any posters who are questioning your decision. Not in the spirit of the thread. It’s your decision, it’s hard but you’ve made it and it’s a good one. Well done.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 12/01/2023 09:59

So in her home she assumes to be the dm? Fuck that.
Potty training! Will she use nappies?. Proper meals? Shove crap at her? She is actually telling yuri she believes she is the better parent.
Nursery or you will regret it.

OwwwMuuuum · 12/01/2023 10:00

So you get regular free childcare and you’re complaining about what sorry!?

BunchHarman · 12/01/2023 10:01

She was a dick. You were quite plain beforehand and she undermined you totally and probably worst, she has made life harder for your daughter. She only did it so that she could make your daughter like her more (this is Granny and D’s little secret; don’t tell mean mummy) and a deliberate attempt to undermine you, it was a totally selfish and cynical move by your mother in law.

So, you need to stamp that out. You have got to stop her looking after your D until she can learn to behave. If she kicks off, your husband (though if he’s anything like the limpdicks I read about on here, he won’t want to upset his mummy 🙄) will have to explain to her that if she has decided to go out of her way to undermine your legitimate parenting choices and ultimately make life harder for your D, you’ve both decided that you no longer need her for childcare.

Tough tits. Otherwise she’ll ride roughshod forever more.

VivaVivaa · 12/01/2023 10:01

Daughter will be 3 in the Spring - she had started to want the dummy in daytime, trying to sneak up to her room and get it (poor little addict), and I think it's least confusing to just stick with it being gone now. She's actually done really well

Agreed. They develop enough logic by ~2.5 to question why they can’t have it during the day, if they can have it overnight. In my antenatal group, the parents who fully ditched the dummies have actually had an easier ride long term (maybe more short term pain) than those who’ve tried to keep it for sleep only.

Smartiepants79 · 12/01/2023 10:01

I suspect your mil is embarrassed that she’s done something you deeply disagree with and has become defensive as a result.
It sounds a bit like she hadn’t really realised how serious you were about the no dummy thing.
It was poor of her and I think her son needs to have a serious word to make her understand how cross and upset you are.
Would the threat of dd going to nursery make her understand that you mean it.
Doing things differently at nannies means a bit more chocolate and tv than normal. Not backtracking on major decisions.

Original poster
CatLoaf · 12/01/2023 10:02

Bakeacaketoday73 · 12/01/2023 09:56

I'd be saying to MIL thinkgs like

"I can't believe you would hurt DD like that..."
"DD is going to be so upset by what you have done..."

I would also be calling her when DD is melting down as you have no dummy, and asking her to help explain....

Oh no! Seriously, I think this would destroy the relationship! She is a massive pain in the arse, but I want her and DD to have a good relationship.

One thing is that DH definitely looks to her as an overnight childcare source - I mean, I love it too, as it meant we could go on a quick honeymoon which was amazing, or just have the odd Saturday night. (And we always thank her loads, bring her gifts...) But this weighs quite heavily on me, as it makes me feel less able to say stuff to MIL if that makes sense. Also, if we give up her childcare day, I don't think we could or should keep with the overnights... 😶

OP posts:
Original poster
CatLoaf · 12/01/2023 10:03

OwwwMuuuum · 12/01/2023 10:00

So you get regular free childcare and you’re complaining about what sorry!?

haha, this response is definitely what I was expecting

OP posts:
MilkyYay · 12/01/2023 10:03

A lot of people seem to think grandparent care is the ideal but from the ones who drop off & collect at our preschool, the grandparents do a lot of taking the easy option. Pushing 4 year olds in a pram for a 10 minute journey rather than getting them walking, offering dummies to 3 & 4 year olds as soon as they come out, giving a lot of sweets/chocolate. Not a lot of imposing boundaries.

BunchHarman · 12/01/2023 10:04

CatLoaf · 12/01/2023 10:03

haha, this response is definitely what I was expecting

Show quote history

Ignore it. Your MIL needs to be reminded of her place when it comes to parenting decisions. She does not get to overrule you. I think you’re going to have to take the step of removing your D from her care each week and using nursery. It needn’t be forever if she can learn to stay in her lane.

Wnikat · 12/01/2023 10:04

Personally I just accept that what happens at Granny’s house stays at granny’s house. Having childcare support is more important than mil obeying my rules.

BackOnTheBandWagon · 12/01/2023 10:05

Keyansier · 12/01/2023 09:27

I don't get your response to this (but I'm not a parent so may not fully understand).

But it seems like your MIL looked after your daughter. To get her to sleep, she gave her a dummy. This is normal for babies, I think? And your baby had a nice sleep and your MIL had a joyful time looking after her. Yes, ok, you may be weaning her off a dummy right now but she's not going to be still sucking on one in a year or two time and what is one day where she was allowed one?

Yes, you are clearly not a parent

Nevermind31 · 12/01/2023 10:05

Keyansier · 12/01/2023 09:27

I don't get your response to this (but I'm not a parent so may not fully understand).

But it seems like your MIL looked after your daughter. To get her to sleep, she gave her a dummy. This is normal for babies, I think? And your baby had a nice sleep and your MIL had a joyful time looking after her. Yes, ok, you may be weaning her off a dummy right now but she's not going to be still sucking on one in a year or two time and what is one day where she was allowed one?

You clearly have not weaned a child off their dummy.
you have no idea how hard it is, how difficult it is to get them to sleep, and now the child knows that if she does whatever she did at MILs house she will get a dummy.
making it even harder for the parents, who have to deal with the fall out