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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL gave DD a dummy after we got rid of them

199 replies

CatLoaf · 12/01/2023 09:21

I used to haaaate what I saw as 'MIL bashing' threads on here, but now realise things are a bit more...nuanced. Mine is kind, but also a pain.

Anyway, new baby coming soon and we've been thinking of removing DD's dummy for a while - because of all the usual stuff, plus didn't want to try taking it away with a baby around potentially using dummy too. We did the whole dummy fairy rigmarole, she was pretty upset but starting to accept it - hideously early mornings though😪 We told MIL all of this obviously, and mentioned that we have got rid of all dummies in the house so we're not tempted to give in. DD came back with MIL the other day unusually bouncy for that time - she never normally naps there - and MIL was full of the joys of a 1 hour nap. I said something like, wow that's great! I haven't been able to get her to nap without the dummy. And MIL got all coy and said, 'Well, we shan't tell Mummy about what we did', and it became evident that she'd just given her a fucking dummy. So weary of her, and it felt like it messed things up as DD was a nightmare to put down that night. (Maybe she would have been anyway! But it didn't help.) MIL annoyed that I was annoyed, and says she can do what she likes in her own house - which is totally true, but also just shitty of her.

I know the answer is to stop her looking after DD and use nursery for an extra day, but she'll be so angry and upset about it, and insistent that we don't want to see her etc. Just so weary :/ I don't even know what the AIBU is, sorry.

OP posts:
Helpyou · 12/01/2023 09:25

It's frustrating but you've given the solution in your op, you either keep using her for free childcare or pay. For what it's worth, we use the saying 'this rule for mummy and this rule for X'
It works well. Obviously not for everything but I would just say that there are no dummies for you!

Workinghardeveryday · 12/01/2023 09:26

I would be furious!!!

How dare she undo your hard work omg.

Be aware, she WILL do other things in the future that you may not agree with…

VivaVivaa · 12/01/2023 09:26

Flowers She shouldn’t have done it OP. I’d be cautious of someone who thinks she can do what she want with your DD in her own home. Yes it’s great that she is providing childcare and spending time with DD, but that shouldn’t be weaponised. When it comes to big parenting decisions that potentially impact health (teeth, in this case) she needs to be on the same page as you. Has your partner spoken to her?

Keyansier · 12/01/2023 09:27

I don't get your response to this (but I'm not a parent so may not fully understand).

But it seems like your MIL looked after your daughter. To get her to sleep, she gave her a dummy. This is normal for babies, I think? And your baby had a nice sleep and your MIL had a joyful time looking after her. Yes, ok, you may be weaning her off a dummy right now but she's not going to be still sucking on one in a year or two time and what is one day where she was allowed one?

Needsomeadvice33 · 12/01/2023 09:29

Do you always let people walk all over you? I always find these mil threads annoying as often the OP is a complete push over, this thread is no exception. Mil got annoyed and said she can do whatever she likes in her house?? Not with someone else's kid she can't. Grow a pair OP! I would put her in nursery, but you won't as you would have already if you were actually going to do something about someone stamping all over your boundaries.

Amipreg1 · 12/01/2023 09:29

I would nip this in the bud now if I were you. I wouldn't let MIL have her again. If she's willing to ignore your wishes about a dummy she'll think she knows best with other things in the future too.

PoinsettiaPosturing · 12/01/2023 09:30

Your DH needs to step up and tell her how unacceptable that is. Why are you the one to have to challenge her?

KangarooKenny · 12/01/2023 09:31

Yep, don’t let her cate for her then.

KangarooKenny · 12/01/2023 09:31

*care

pelargoniums · 12/01/2023 09:32

I would be furious. She can’t do what she likes when it’s your kid and your kid’s mouth. It’s not up to her. Find new childcare, and accept the fallout. Or buy a dummy and shove it in MIL’s mouth every time she speaks.

Boating123 · 12/01/2023 09:34

I hate the - let's keep this a secret from mummy thing.
I don't want my daughter being encouraged to keep secrets from me, but my mum does this. Sounds like your MIL does the same, although she did sort of tell you.

MatildaTheCat · 12/01/2023 09:35

You don’t say how soon the new baby is coming but I’d be very careful about removing the dummy from child 1 and giving it to child 2 ( from child 1’s point of view).

If they derive comfort and it helps them settle I’d honestly rethink this. MIL shouldn’t have gone against your wishes but from an experienced mother of dummy fans I’d just rethink. They give up eventually and a newborn dummy is different to a toddler one, no?

Make your life easy.

GiltEdges · 12/01/2023 09:36

Keyansier · 12/01/2023 09:27

I don't get your response to this (but I'm not a parent so may not fully understand).

But it seems like your MIL looked after your daughter. To get her to sleep, she gave her a dummy. This is normal for babies, I think? And your baby had a nice sleep and your MIL had a joyful time looking after her. Yes, ok, you may be weaning her off a dummy right now but she's not going to be still sucking on one in a year or two time and what is one day where she was allowed one?

You’re right, you’re not a parent and therefore don’t remotely understand.

OP, YANBU. I’d be furious if my MIL had done this, but we never used family as childcare for similar reasons. I think you need to calmly but matter of factly explain to MIL that if she can’t respect your parenting decisions with regards to DD, then you’ll have no option but to use paid childcare instead for the day she normally has her. See how she responds and go from there.

Remaker · 12/01/2023 09:36

How old is your DD? Old enough to have it explained that grandma has dummies and her house doesn’t?

FWIW I’ve never found it worthwhile to try to bring forward the pain to avoid having it later. Having watched my siblings spend months tackling issues with toddlers crying and screaming and tantrums I just waited til my kids were old enough to understand what was happening and it was far easier. And there is no guarantee your DD won’t just pluck the dummy out of the baby’s mouth and pop it into her own, leaving you back to where you started.

I think it’s tough to ask GP to enforce your rules when it results in tired, upset kids for them to manage.

Original poster
CatLoaf · 12/01/2023 09:37

I know it's frustrating when you think an OP is being a wet lettuce!

When she 'told' me about the dummy, I said 'Oh no, that's really frustrating! We've worked really hard to stop the dummy, and you giving her one is just going to be really confusing. Please don't give her a dummy' (I'm paraphrasing obviously, in reality I was a bit more stop start). That's when she said the thing about not having realised she couldn't do what she wanted in her own house 🙄I said, well obviously you CAN, then just repeated all the dummy stuff.
I get home from work earlier than DH, so am the one who meets her when she drops DD off

OP posts:
Original poster
CatLoaf · 12/01/2023 09:40

The baby isn't coming until summer

OP posts:
VivaVivaa · 12/01/2023 09:42

Keyansier · 12/01/2023 09:27

I don't get your response to this (but I'm not a parent so may not fully understand).

But it seems like your MIL looked after your daughter. To get her to sleep, she gave her a dummy. This is normal for babies, I think? And your baby had a nice sleep and your MIL had a joyful time looking after her. Yes, ok, you may be weaning her off a dummy right now but she's not going to be still sucking on one in a year or two time and what is one day where she was allowed one?

Because toddlers (I’m assuming the DD is a toddler, not a baby) don’t work like that. They don’t have the capacity to understand why they can’t always have the nice thing, if they are allowed it in certain situations but not others. Prolonged dummy use has been linked to problems with speech and tooth development, which is why people generally try to stop using them after the age of 1. Sure, using a dummy once is going to be negligible. But if the OP has to restart the process of removing the dummy every time DD comes back from MILs house, it’s going to unnecessarily prolong what should be a very quick process and OP has to deal with the fall out of angry toddler, every time.

frustratedashell · 12/01/2023 09:42

I'm a grandma , I'd never do that. You're right to be angry. God knows what else she might do or has done!

maryberryslayers · 12/01/2023 09:43

It's actually really unfair and confusing for your DD.
Dummies are bad for teeth and bad for speech and she should be supporting you in your choice to remove them.
Personally I wouldn't want anyone looking after my child who didn't respect my choices.
It might be her house but DD is your child no matter where she is.

maryberryslayers · 12/01/2023 09:43

It's actually really unfair and confusing for your DD.
Dummies are bad for teeth and bad for speech and she should be supporting you in your choice to remove them.
Personally I wouldn't want anyone looking after my child who didn't respect my choices.
It might be her house but DD is your child no matter where she is.

Follycastle · 12/01/2023 09:44

“She can do what she likes in her house” - no, not with your child. How ridiculous. I’d be very annoyed, she has undermined all your hard work.

She either accepts what she did is wrong or you change childcare arrangements. I’d find it hard to trust her.

SnackSizeRaisin · 12/01/2023 09:45

Why not just let your daughter keep her dummy for now? If she's young enough to still be having a nap she's young enough to still have a dummy, surely? Presuming less than 3 years. Once the new baby comes it will be a load of upheaval and you will be grateful for any tool that helps you get more sleep. It sounds like your daughter's sleep isn't great so just go with the easy option. Just only let her have it for sleep not while awake.

It does sound like mil doesn't respect your decisions and that would really annoy me too. It depends whether you care enough about this to give up the free childcare I guess..not to mention the upset it would cause.

dancemom · 12/01/2023 09:47

Today it's a dummy but where does it end if she has the attitude of she can do as she wants in her own home.

Extra day at nursery, she's proven she doesn't respect your way of raising your dd.

Conkersinautumn · 12/01/2023 09:49

You at least realise the solution. It's always very disheartening to find you can't trust someone, particularly when you're trusting them with your child. Why are there so many GPs who act with zero regard for parental decision making.

SomethingOriginal2 · 12/01/2023 09:50

I think there'd be literal flames coming out of my ears. I recently night weaned DS from bottled milk. I have him 6 nights, exDH has him one. I made it incredibly clear that if I went through 6 nights of it and he gave him a bottle of milk in the night to make his one night easier I'd be utterly furious. DS actually really took to it thankfully.

I'd do nursery. When she kicks off say that she clearly does things differently at her house and that she's making life more difficult for you. She gave DD a dummy to make those few hours a little easier for her, and made ALL the hours you do so much harder for you. It's just plain selfish and really a shitty thing to do to DD too because now she's upset and unsettled because of that one hour break for MIL.

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