Boyfriend wants a baby or will leave

[Nymeria6]

Been with DP for 8 years, lived together for 3. We have both just turned 38.

He wants a baby and I have been making excuses and delaying for 2 years. He has now given me an ultimatum saying he wants a family and I'm unfair if I don't and I have been stringing him along.

I have ongoing mental health issues which he can find difficult. I'm also left to do the bulk of the house work/decorating and totally responsible for our cat.

I'm exhausted all the time. I don't think I could deal with a baby right now. He's said or basically ordered me to get my coil out when we are back from our hol.

I don't want to lose him

Does feck all round the house now.

Orders you to get your coil out to give him what he currently wants.

He will continue to do feck all if you have a baby.

He's not ready for the reality of a baby

And neither are you - and you've lied to him.

This doesn't read like a relationship that will last.

He doesn't want a baby or household responsibility. He wants to do what a lot of men do and have the fun with a child/older toddler. He needs to be an adult in the house before you get pregnant. You are a candidate for PND and he might have to take over. My son-in-law 'wanted a baby'. So my DD costed it out. It made sense for him to be a SAHD/part time and my DD take short maternity leave. He does a lot in the house, my DD works more hours and earns more. They started minding my other DD's toddler and she made him pitch in. Three months later he decided it wasn't for him. They are wonderful with their DNs, but love handing them back and having childfree breaks. Don't get pregnant as much as it will hurt, let him leave.

She's both of ours but I bought her, I take the vets, she sleeps on me not him. If we split I would take her.

He works longer hours which are bulk Anti social but less days than me. So I work 5 time 9 5 He works 12 hours over 3 or 4 days.

Either way it won’t end well

you don’t want to lose him so you have a baby, and you resent him for what that does

you don’t want a baby and don’t have one he leaves

That's one reasons I have been waiting. For him to listen to me and just change a little.

Never does.

I don’t have pets but I didn’t think cats needed that much looking-after day to day

Not all cats are trouble free day to day.

Of course most of them are, most of the time, but even those need daily feeding, watering, worm and flea treatment, taking to vets if necessary and for annual vaccinations.

Then some cats need daily medication, there might be a litter tray to clean, if they are sick, they need to go to the vet, they need cleaning up after - cats might be clean animals, but they do leave quite a lot of muck and fur on pretty much every surface they come into contact with, so extra vaccuming, laundry, they damage curtains and soft furnishing, the bring in prey that could be in any state from alive and well and it escapes and makes a new life for itself behind your fridge to dead and needs disposing of and anything in between, you need to make arrangements for their care when you go away.

It's certainly noticeable if there's two people in the house and one isn't doing any of it. Eg if the OP went away for a few days, could he be trusted to feed her, sort the litter tray, any medication, deal with half dead mice, keep an eye on her to make sure she's not sick, without any reminding or prompting?

To be fair at 38 you don’t really have the time to put it off longer so you need to decide whether you want it or not. If he’s decided he does then it’s fair enough that he tells you and if you don’t want the same that he leaves you to find another way to make it happen. It might sound harsh to give you an ultimatum but if it’s that important to him then he doesn’t really have another choice.

It sounds like there are fundamental issues in your relationship and what he does/doesn't do enough of anyway so really, with the child issue added on top, I would let him go.

Cats tend not to be difficult pets I've found but they can be on rarer occasions. Our cat now is the most laid back thing, all I do is top up his bowl and take him to the vets once a year for his jabs. But I did have another cat a while back who had a lot of issues and would pee everywhere in the house. She was definitely hard work. So there are exceptions to the 'cats are really easy' rule.

If not making the bed is the worst thing he does then maybe your expectations are too high, it’s really not that important.

it makes sense to work hard to maximize your career growth before having a baby, it doesn’t mean he will continue at the same level once the baby arrives.

You said in a previous post that your cat is "like a human baby."

No. No she's not. You have no idea. The cat is a cat, and I say this as mother to a toddler and someone who has a beloved cat and has had cats all my life.

Neither of you sound able to cope with having a child. Where would the cat sleep when you're up all night because the newborn won't settle in a cot and only wants to sleep on you?

But your partner has the right to pursue family life if he wants. He's told you plainly so listen to him. You need to split up and let him find someone he can start a family with.

Time to move on.

If he doesn't even look after the cat, there's not much hope with a baby.

I'm assuming this is more the point OP was making? Cats aren't hard to look after (usually) so if he can't do that, how can he look after a child kind of thing. However it's not necessarily true either. We have a dog too, my husband probably does 90% of the care for him, but I am still capable of looking after our child!

However, obviously a cat or any pet is very different to a child and I'd hope that he'd be more interested in his child than a cat anyway.

I don't want to lose him

Why don't want to lose someone who does no virtually no housework or decorating or pet care, even though he has 3 or 4 days off work each week?

Dump him. Your mental health will probably improve. You don’t need a man that treats you like a domestic and brood mare.

Right? Let some other sucker lucky lady have him

Looking at a previous post OP, you have serious mental health issues around your standards for tidiness and perfection that no one should be expected to live up to. You'd crumble with the mess a child brings into your life. How your partner can't see that this is a recipe for disaster I don't know. He should man the hell up and make the decision to leave himself.

Show him the door.

Noone is being unreasonable. A baby is not the right thing for you. He wants to be a father. Sad as it may be, uoufo not belong together.

You don’t know that he doesn’t want household responsibility. He doesn’t do as much housework as op wants but that doesn’t mean he does nothing. I don’t make my bed everyday but that doesn’t mean that I don’t make sure that the house is clean to a reasonable level and that I don’t take good care of my child.

I think it’s clear that you both want different things in life. In think it is unfair on you both to carry the relationship on as I think overtime too much resentment will grow.

If you don’t want children that is completely ok, it’s your life your choice. But it’s also ok that your partner does want children but he cannot force you to bring a child into this.

You both need to sit down & be completely honest with each other about what you both want in life. If it’s not the same then go your separate ways. You both deserve happiness

YANBU - for not wanting a baby
YABU - for stringing him along

if it’s something he really wants you need to sit down and have a serious chat about your future as a couple

I've had a look back at some of your old posts OP, and it paints quite a different picture of him.

Whilst you say you are responsible for the bulk of housework and decorating, your also elsewhere query whether you have OCD about the state of the first because your high standards in trying to get it perfect, are causing you distress. The decorating is several nights a week painting and sanding to the extent (right out wrongly!) he confiscated your sander. It didn't sound like you need to do the decorating, but you have become obsessed with needing to do it repeatedly - spending £5k I think you said, on my in that, to the extent you have little money to spend on other things.

You also note he's messy, but it's impossible to tell if he is messy, or if because you are such a perfectionist, he's actually pretty normal. You also day that you do the bulk because he works such long hours.

It doesn't sound too me like he's necessarily lazy, but that he's not joining/indulging in your need to repeatedly sand and paint walls. I don't think he should be criticised for this, given you know that your obsession with it isn't healthy and we're going to seek help for it.

Stringing him along about a baby isn't fair, but neither is having a baby you clearly don't want, in a situation which isnt ideal.

If you love him, then it might be time to let him go, to have the family that he clearly craves.

I'm sorry :-(

If you actually really wanted a baby you wouldn’t be waiting for this, at 38 you don’t have anymore years to waste with a man you won’t have a baby with, if a baby is what you want. You’d have left or (wrongly) compromised. But he really does want a baby, so the relationship needs to end now. Doesn’t sound like you are well suited anyway, he doesn’t listen to you and you both want totally different things. The cat is not like a human baby in any way shape or form fyi.

I've had conversations over and over asking him to help more. I give up now.

He doesn’t do as much housework as op wants but that doesn’t mean he does nothing

By the sound of OP's previous posts, I wouldn't want to do as much housework as she does.

The fact he ordered you to get your coil removed is so unbelievably screwed up! Run like the wind and feel sorry for whichever poor woman he targets to be his own personal baby-making machine. The fact you "strung him along"- it is your body and you are absolutely entitled to change your mind whenever you want! Nobody owes him a baby.