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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend wants a baby or will leave

321 replies

Nymeria6 · 12/01/2023 03:54

Been with DP for 8 years, lived together for 3. We have both just turned 38.

He wants a baby and I have been making excuses and delaying for 2 years. He has now given me an ultimatum saying he wants a family and I'm unfair if I don't and I have been stringing him along.

I have ongoing mental health issues which he can find difficult. I'm also left to do the bulk of the house work/decorating and totally responsible for our cat.

I'm exhausted all the time. I don't think I could deal with a baby right now. He's said or basically ordered me to get my coil out when we are back from our hol.

I don't want to lose him

OP posts:
NotAHouse · 12/01/2023 13:26

He sounds like a total knob.

My DH wanted a baby more than I did. For the first 3 years I did EVERYTHING. It utterly broke me. There's no coming back from that.

Also, he has no redeeming qualities. Get rid.

menopausalbloat · 12/01/2023 13:30

Having a baby in such a toxic relationship should be the last thing you're considering.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 12/01/2023 13:36

NotAHouse · 12/01/2023 13:26

He sounds like a total knob.

My DH wanted a baby more than I did. For the first 3 years I did EVERYTHING. It utterly broke me. There's no coming back from that.

Also, he has no redeeming qualities. Get rid.

In what way? He is allowed to express and opinion about what he wants and if it something very important to him he is allowed to say that he will leave if it’s not something that she wants. You have no idea that he doesn’t have any redeeming qualities.

MintyFreshOne · 12/01/2023 13:45

They started minding my other DD's toddler and she made him pitch in. Three months later he decided it wasn't for him. They are wonderful with their DNs, but love handing them back and having childfree breaks

I agree OP shouldn’t have a baby, especially with unresolved MH issues but good lord, other people’s children will always be more annoying than your own. This is … not a good way to see if you want children.

BunchHarman · 12/01/2023 14:00

Don’t be threatened into having a baby with this man. You’re not ready and he’s controlling and not a team player.

Mamamia32 · 12/01/2023 14:01

At 38 I think you need make a decision fairly soon about trying for a baby. If you don't want to have one with him and can't see this changing then you have to let him go so he can find someone else to have children with. Ordering you to remove your coil isn't nice and he could have sat you down and had a heartfelt conversation instead, but realistically you would need to remove your coil soon if you really wanted a chance at having a baby.

I have higher standards than my partner when it comes to housework and clutter, and this does cause arguments and me nagging him to go to the tip/re paint the hallway etc... But he is very hands on with our son and changed nappies, got up in the night.. Ultimately this type of help and support is so much more important when you have a baby with someone. You know your partner best and whether he is likely to be a really hands on parent or a selfish parent. I wouldn't base how he will be with his own child on how much he does for the cat, I promise it is completely different.

Glorianna · 12/01/2023 14:12

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 12/01/2023 13:36

In what way? He is allowed to express and opinion about what he wants and if it something very important to him he is allowed to say that he will leave if it’s not something that she wants. You have no idea that he doesn’t have any redeeming qualities.

Show quote history

You are conveniently ignoring that the twat does the bare minimal housework and takes no interest the in the house.

Do you really think he is going to be a stellar parent? He is going to want to be Disney dad whilst does the bulk of the childcare, just as she does the bulk of the housework now, even with a full time job.

GrannyWeatherwaxsHatpin · 12/01/2023 14:30

Sorry @Nymeria6 but I am wondering why you didn't say to him 2 years ago: "show me for the next 12 months that you are responsible enough for me to have a baby with, which includes you sharing the household chores - including shopping and and cooking - not leaving all of the care for the cat to me, and supporting me with my mental health issues (explaining what that 'support' means to you), then I will give you my honest answer about whether I am, or think I will ever be, ready to have a baby."

With some men, that's a really bad idea. I had a not-dissimilar situation to OP's with my now-ex and if I had said to him that he had to prove to me that he could be responsible and fair, he'd have done it...and then reverted back to how he was before once he'd got what he wanted. In fact, it would probably have made him worse: "I've made the bed for a year, now where is the baby I've earned?"

@Nymeria6 I know this isn't what you want to hear, but there isn't much of a future for your relationship, not only because of the child issue (which is fairly fundamentally unresolveable) but because your partner is treating you badly. Anyone who loves and respects you would not "order" you to live your life according to their wishes.

I know you want the relationship to continue, I know splitting is hard. But it sounds like you will be a lot happier without this man and the pressure to want something that you don't want.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 12/01/2023 14:39

Glorianna · 12/01/2023 14:12

You are conveniently ignoring that the twat does the bare minimal housework and takes no interest the in the house.

Do you really think he is going to be a stellar parent? He is going to want to be Disney dad whilst does the bulk of the childcare, just as she does the bulk of the housework now, even with a full time job.

Show quote history

But she hasn’t said that he does bare minimum, just that she does the bulk. We can’t judge unless we know how much he is actually doing. In another thread she has said that does an excessive amount of housework and work on the house often repainting things multiple time. If she is doing a large number of unnecessary hours of housework then anything he does will look small in comparison even if it is a reasonably normal amount. Maybe he also can’t do anything as there is nothing left for him.

SmileWithADimple · 12/01/2023 15:00

In her post at 11.22 today she says she does everything.

Nagado · 12/01/2023 15:08

You’ve already lost him. He wants children. You don’t. So you either have a child you don’t want and will struggle to care for, and you do it all by yourself because he’s never going to pull his weight, before he decides that it’s not as much fun as he thought it was going to be and leaves you for a younger woman who also wants children.

Or, you do what is best for you. End this relationship, go your separate ways and start looking after yourself.

NoNewsIsGoodNews · 12/01/2023 15:09

BarbaraofSeville · 12/01/2023 11:34

I don’t have pets but I didn’t think cats needed that much looking-after day to day

Not all cats are trouble free day to day.

Of course most of them are, most of the time, but even those need daily feeding, watering, worm and flea treatment, taking to vets if necessary and for annual vaccinations.

Then some cats need daily medication, there might be a litter tray to clean, if they are sick, they need to go to the vet, they need cleaning up after - cats might be clean animals, but they do leave quite a lot of muck and fur on pretty much every surface they come into contact with, so extra vaccuming, laundry, they damage curtains and soft furnishing, the bring in prey that could be in any state from alive and well and it escapes and makes a new life for itself behind your fridge to dead and needs disposing of and anything in between, you need to make arrangements for their care when you go away.

It's certainly noticeable if there's two people in the house and one isn't doing any of it. Eg if the OP went away for a few days, could he be trusted to feed her, sort the litter tray, any medication, deal with half dead mice, keep an eye on her to make sure she's not sick, without any reminding or prompting?

Thanks. Yes, my ignorance re pets is showing. Cats are clearly not that easy to look after then!

FatEaredFuck · 12/01/2023 15:16

I feel how you feel due to mental health and physical health conditons. You sound utterly drained.

Its been horrendous to parent when feeling like this. I cannot give the children what they need. That guilt on top of how I already feel is not great.

And I was not this ill during the baby stage. And I was not alone I have a very active partner. He sees the burden I feel and takes on more than he should, as much as he can.

If I raised my kids alone, as my mother did - I know I would surely go mad.

Dont do it. Keep your cat baby and move on. Leave your man baby to pick up after himself. Dont have a baby with him and dont stay with him.

FrostyBits · 12/01/2023 15:17

Don't have a baby if you are not ready. If your MH is already poor and you don't feel like you can cope then do not have a baby you're not sure you want.

You partner might turn out to be an amazing father, and he might not. Chances are that he'll be average or worse (based on your description of his lack of effort in house stuff) which means you will do the bulk of the child rearing. It is your career, your earnings and your pension that will likely take the hit. Your partner could then decide he's off anyway and then you're left as the resident parent and might need to reduce work hours further or even step away from the workplace. This is worst case scenario but if you can't cope with this, and it sounds like you can't cope with a good version of this, then don't do it.

Yes you've probably been stringing him along but men are not 'on the clock' like women with regards fertility and I'm sure he can find a new partner with which to have his much wanted baby.

You do you. That means looking after yourself and doing what's right for you.

Wish him all the best, and let him go. And look after yourself (and your cat 😊).

Francisca459 · 12/01/2023 15:53

Please don't have a baby to try and hang on to him. If you did try for a baby to please him, would he be there for you every step of the way? I think not. You are 38 years old so it might take a long time to get pregnant, or you might not be able to. Best case scenario you would have a 12 year old kid when you are about 52 and about to hit the worst part of the menopause. Is that what you want for yourself? I'm afraid your relationship has run its course, and you need to make plans for your future. You will probably feel great relief when you have let him go. Good luck.

MintJulia · 12/01/2023 16:07

MintyFreshOne · 12/01/2023 03:59

Gentle suggestion—let him go. He wants a baby and you aren’t ready and maybe will never be. You both want different things in life and that’s okay.

This

Biscuitbabe87 · 12/01/2023 16:55

Thinking of this from the other side, how would you feel if you were the the other woman he had left OP for (if this is what he ended up doing) and you found out? That he had left a long term partner for this reason alone and the only real reason you were there was to provide him with a baby? This bloke honestly sounds super controlling and gross...

Tandora · 12/01/2023 17:01

oh. My. God the hypocrisy of mumsnet.

OP if you had posted as a man the vote would have gone the other way.

having said that I think that you are probably YABU. If he wants a child you need to step up or let him go. It’s not something a person should have to compromise on if they feel really strongly about it.

However , I think the way he is demanding it- get your coil out- sounds really controlling and out of order. I think you should get out of this personally.

qpmz · 12/01/2023 17:04

Francisca459 · 12/01/2023 15:53

Please don't have a baby to try and hang on to him. If you did try for a baby to please him, would he be there for you every step of the way? I think not. You are 38 years old so it might take a long time to get pregnant, or you might not be able to. Best case scenario you would have a 12 year old kid when you are about 52 and about to hit the worst part of the menopause. Is that what you want for yourself? I'm afraid your relationship has run its course, and you need to make plans for your future. You will probably feel great relief when you have let him go. Good luck.

Take note all 38 year olds: do not have a baby! Confused Not a good argument because you don't know when peak menopause will be and if you had a baby earlier they might be in the worst of their teens when it hits!

I agree that OP shouldn't have one if she's not sure and her bf is useless.

BunchHarman · 12/01/2023 17:24

Francisca459 · 12/01/2023 15:53

Please don't have a baby to try and hang on to him. If you did try for a baby to please him, would he be there for you every step of the way? I think not. You are 38 years old so it might take a long time to get pregnant, or you might not be able to. Best case scenario you would have a 12 year old kid when you are about 52 and about to hit the worst part of the menopause. Is that what you want for yourself? I'm afraid your relationship has run its course, and you need to make plans for your future. You will probably feel great relief when you have let him go. Good luck.

Wise up.

Bestcatmum · 12/01/2023 17:37

What if you removed your coil and then failed to conceive, or were diagnosed as infertile. He'd leave wouldn't he.
Do you want to be with a man who loves you so little that he would dump you if you fail to provide him with a child - because it looks to me like the ONLY thing holding you together is the possibility of a child.
That's grim. It isn't a proper relationship.

Suzi89 · 12/01/2023 17:40

Oblomov22 · 12/01/2023 05:29

Don't.
But, what are you doing to address your MH. Do you actually want a baby? When do you think that's going to happen? I completely disagree with shipping; " he should find another woman who also wants a family. At 38 he still has plenty of time". You haven't got plenty of time though have you. To address your MH, meet a new person, and have a baby, say pre 40?

Have you even read the OP? She doesn’t want a baby.

MavisMcMinty · 12/01/2023 17:49

Sounds like you already have a baby, a giant man-shaped one, and bad though he is, a real baby will be so much worse, although you’d probably love it more than you love him. Better off with no babies than a giant man-sized one and another you didn’t really want and have to actually squish out of your nonny. x

AllyCatTown · 12/01/2023 17:55

Have you even read the OP? She doesn’t want a baby

She says she doesn’t want a baby right now and talks about how she does all the work. She doesn’t explicitly say she never wants one. I guess stringing him along could be interpreted that way but then in other posts she says she was waiting for things to get better.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 12/01/2023 18:00

Bestcatmum · 12/01/2023 17:37

What if you removed your coil and then failed to conceive, or were diagnosed as infertile. He'd leave wouldn't he.
Do you want to be with a man who loves you so little that he would dump you if you fail to provide him with a child - because it looks to me like the ONLY thing holding you together is the possibility of a child.
That's grim. It isn't a proper relationship.

This is perfectly put.