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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend wants a baby or will leave

321 replies

Nymeria6 · 12/01/2023 03:54

Been with DP for 8 years, lived together for 3. We have both just turned 38.

He wants a baby and I have been making excuses and delaying for 2 years. He has now given me an ultimatum saying he wants a family and I'm unfair if I don't and I have been stringing him along.

I have ongoing mental health issues which he can find difficult. I'm also left to do the bulk of the house work/decorating and totally responsible for our cat.

I'm exhausted all the time. I don't think I could deal with a baby right now. He's said or basically ordered me to get my coil out when we are back from our hol.

I don't want to lose him

OP posts:
Quincythequince · 12/01/2023 10:12

What do you mean you’re responsible for your cat? What’s wrong with your cat?

TangledWebOfDeception · 12/01/2023 10:13

Given wider context he absolutely should not be demanding that you have a baby. He isn’t thinking of you or the child if he thinks you and he are capable of bringing up a child as things stand. You cannot being a baby into this situation. Look after yourself first.

helloelsie · 12/01/2023 10:14

Babies are incredibly hard work. Do not have a baby you 100% are not ready for with anyone. It's terrible youve been stringing him along. You need to do the right thing for you both and that is to let him go. Your future is not together and you need to find the courage to face that.

SomethingOriginal2 · 12/01/2023 10:14

So I've just looked at your other threads and honestly it's clear that you are not in a position to have a child. But you really should have told him this when you knew he wanted a family.

I'm also not convinced he's this terrible lazy man that leaves everything to you. You seem to make work for yourself that doesn't exist. You sand and pain the walls 2-3 times a week?! And you then fuck it up and make more mess.

Nixynic · 12/01/2023 10:17

I would make it very clear to him that you are definitely not ready for a baby now and potentially not at all in the future. If you do truly love him and want to stay with him long term then turn the ultimatum around on him “I do not want to have a baby, if you want to stay in a relationship with me then that is my decision. If you desperately want to start a family then you need to leave and find someone else who does”. If he does decide to stay then it needs to be on the agreement that he won’t throw that decision back in your face or resent you in the future for it, he is also responsible for that decision.

Catspyjamas17 · 12/01/2023 10:24

The cat thing is a bit telling, for me. DH knew I came with cats attached and was more of a dog person, but became utterly soppy over the cats. So I knew then (if I didn't know already) that he was tender-hearted which is a very important quality.

yousexybugger · 12/01/2023 10:24

I don't think the smaller details matter (unless you're saying the cat and housework are the only reasons you don't want a kid with him and are willing to address these).

If the fact is that one of you wants a baby and the other doesn't, there is no compromise. You can't have half a baby.

Don't make any more excuses, this is obviously a big deal for him. Unfortunately you're not compatible. If he's made an ultimatum, 'we are either on board and start trying or I need to leave and pursue this priority elsewhere' then unfortunately, that's a decision you need to make. Your wishes don't come first in the sense of keeping the relationship on your terms only (of course your wishes re not having a baby are paramount but that may mean you don't get to keep the relationship too).

There are plenty of examples on here of men making excuses to women and not being clear about their ambivalence until too late. He doesn't have that same time pressure but he clearly wants to be a dad in his 30s or early 40s. That's fine. Let him go. It'll be hard, of course, but you will be fine in time and free to meet someone with the same priorities.

tasamoon · 12/01/2023 10:24

Well if you are 38 I don't think there's any more "not yet" time for you as a woman, unfortunately. It's now or never, fertility wise. It may even be too late already.

If you don't want to have a child at all then that's totally valid, but you need to tell him this now and let him go. Don't have a baby only to keep him.

However, if you do want a child in your life then it's time to get cracking. Personally, my ultimatum to him would be that id want to be married first, so it would be a quick trip to the registry office along with the removal of the coil!

amusedbush · 12/01/2023 10:41

All these posters taking the piss out of the OP for "finding a cat difficult to cope with" but she didn't say that. I read it as her partner being so lazy and disinclined to pull his weight around the house, he won't even fill the cat's water bowl.

Sucks2B · 12/01/2023 10:43

Well you definitely shouldn't have a baby you don't want or don't feel ready for. But I sympathise with wanting a child and your partner saying no. Personally if having a child was that important to me (which it is for a lot of people) I would leave in your partners shoes and find someone who was on the same page as me in respect of family.

I would give up a lot of things for my husband. Having a child wouldn't be one of them though as harsh as that sounds.

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 12/01/2023 10:45

If a family means that much to him he needs to leave and find someone else. He can’t tell you what to do with your body.

Sucks2B · 12/01/2023 10:45

And YY, don't string him along with maybes or one day perhaps. You're 38 and as harsh as it sounds, you no longer have all the time in the world. If you don't want a child (and that is a perfectly valid choice to make) you need to tell him that so he has the opportunity to leave and have the life he wants.

Bestcatmum · 12/01/2023 10:45

Is he prepared to marry you?
Is he prepared to do all the baby care?
If not you don't have to.
You should only ever have a baby if it's what you want more than anything in the world.
I never wanted children then I got pregnant by mistake and he is the best thing in my life.
However your boyfriend does not get to give you ultimatums. It might be better to split up.
He can't love you very much if he's prepared to just walk away.

Sucks2B · 12/01/2023 10:47

However your boyfriend does not get to give you ultimatums

No he doesn't. And the way he's gone about this doesn't sound great. He cannot demand you remove your coil or anything else like that, it is your body.

But I don't necessarily think there is anything wrong with being honest about what not having a child means for the continuation of your relationship. I.e. this is really important to me so sadly if we're not on the same page I think it's time to go our separate ways.

HarryBlaster · 12/01/2023 10:48

If you can take one thing from this thread then it’s absolutely do not have a baby just to keep him. This will absolutely be the worst thing you can possibly do.

Can I suggest counselling to help you through this and a way to enlighten you that the relationship needs to finish. You will find your happiness another way xx

Aproposofwhatnow · 12/01/2023 10:50

Honestly, 2 years of delaying is stringing him along. Let him go so that he can create the future he wants with someone else. Anything else is cruel. You do not want the same things. And if you think being "totally responsible" for a cat is tiring, for the love of god don't have a child.

Zonder · 12/01/2023 10:52

Sit down with him, draw up a list of current jobs and future jobs if you had a baby. Divide them up between you and see how keen he is then.

whynotwhatknot · 12/01/2023 11:03

sorry i think yabu to string him along-not that he sunds a catch but you cant play with people like that

Original poster
Nymeria6 · 12/01/2023 11:18

We both work full time. I work from home. He works in Public service long Anti social hours.

We've only been discussing baby for 12 months. I genuinely haven't meant to string him along. I've talked how I feel til I'm blue in the face. I've asked him to be more tidy, explained I'm tired all time due to lazy and I'm on medication.

He laughs and thinks he is funny I'm his reply to me. He doesn't even make the bed.

I've been waiting on baby for things to be different but they aren't.

That's why I've strung along. I've not meant too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nymeria6 · 12/01/2023 11:20

This. Thank you.

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 12/01/2023 11:20

YABU you need to be straight with him and let him go, totally wrong to do anything else.

Original poster
Nymeria6 · 12/01/2023 11:21

Intrepidescape · 12/01/2023 07:46

She can’t cope with the cat as it is!! She said she’s exhausted with the cat and decorating!!

I can cope with the cat what are you on about.

I meant I do everything. Sorting bills, garden, DIY, cleaning, cooking and the cat.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nymeria6 · 12/01/2023 11:23

NoNewsIsGoodNews · 12/01/2023 07:57

A baby will not improve your mental health in the short to medium term. Don’t do it.

Your boyfriend is desperate for a baby. He needs to find someone who can help him with this dream. Stringing him along is very cruel.

Did he actually ‘order’ you to remove the coil or is that how you interpreted it? Don’t remove it unless you are ready.

I don’t have pets but I didn’t think cats needed that much looking-after day to day??

You need to move your separate ways. This is a real deal-breaker.

Yep ordered me.

She is like a human baby. But I love her. I love looking after her. Only joy I've got. V high maintenance.

OP posts:
TangledWebOfDeception · 12/01/2023 11:27

Nymeria6 · 12/01/2023 11:21

I can cope with the cat what are you on about.

I meant I do everything. Sorting bills, garden, DIY, cleaning, cooking and the cat.

Show quote history

Your misgivings are entirely accurate. Absolutely do not have a baby with him. You’ve told him over and over, honestly and directly, what you needed him to do - step up so you could feel assured that he would do his fair share in household and with parenting. He absolutely won’t.

I don’t think this relationship is good for you. Can you leave? Do you have enough money to set up by yourself?

IhearyouClemFandango · 12/01/2023 11:30

crimbocountdown · 12/01/2023 05:57

totally responsible for our cat.

Well if you thinking looking after a cat is hard work then parenthood probably isn't for you?
Let him go it's not fair. Plenty of women who desperately want a child and are being strung along my a man on here are advised to leave and the advice is no different for you

This. If looking after a cat and looking after a home with only 2 adults living in it (noting that he should be doing his fair depending on work split, and noting health issues) exhaust you I wouldn't recommend parenthood.