Boyfriend wants a baby or will leave

[Nymeria6]

Been with DP for 8 years, lived together for 3. We have both just turned 38.

He wants a baby and I have been making excuses and delaying for 2 years. He has now given me an ultimatum saying he wants a family and I'm unfair if I don't and I have been stringing him along.

I have ongoing mental health issues which he can find difficult. I'm also left to do the bulk of the house work/decorating and totally responsible for our cat.

I'm exhausted all the time. I don't think I could deal with a baby right now. He's said or basically ordered me to get my coil out when we are back from our hol.

I don't want to lose him

If you’ve been ‘delaying’ him with no real intention of ever doing it then you have been stringing him along and he should leave you.

YANBU to not want to have children - especially as it sounds like he wouldn't pull his weight! It is such relentless hard work and so difficult even when they are badly wanted. You need to do what is right for you. However, you can't blame him for giving an ultimatum if kids are a dealbreaker for him. Sadly it's one of those things there just isn't a compromise for if you're not both on the same page. I'm sorry 😔

“She is like a human baby. But I love her. I love looking after her. Only joy I've got. V high maintenance.”

If your cat is the only joy you’ve got, then you’re not in a relationship to bring a child into. If you were here saying you did want a baby I’d be telling you not too.

Why are you even waiting for him to dump you for not having this baby that you don’t want? If neither of you wanted a baby, you should still dump him.

I don’t see her actually saying that she doesn’t want one just that she doesn’t want one now/can’t handle one now. It’s not the same thing and 38 you don’t really have the luxury to keep delaying if it’s what you want

No a cat is NOT like a human baby,it’s only a cat. It is as dependent & pampered as you make it. Clearly you’ve made it dependent & pampered and you feel it’s high maintenance.
A human baby requires 24/7 monitoring & care. If you fail to provide adequate safe care there are statutory mechanisms such as child protection that can be invoked. Human babies grow up to be sentient members of society who take on increasing responsibility. Cats don’t
Cat requires a safe base,attentive owner that’s really it. Pets are as dependent as the owners make them

If you don’t want a baby I’d gently suggest going separate ways. Maybe you have strung him along but either way, he may end up resenting you if he never gets to become a dad.
You also don’t deserve an ultimatum or to have a baby you don’t necessarily want.

Also as an aside, cats are pretty self sufficient besides putting food down and potentially cleaning litter out here and there. The responsibility of parenthood is much, much greater.

You are in for a shock if you do change your mind.

I'm sorry he GENUINELY ordered you?

Who does he think he is? Fucking tosser.

He's never going to change, he might do the things you ask for a week or so, but then it will drop back to old ways. You need to end this.

Sounds like you need to let him leave. He wants a baby, you don't. You're both approaching forty. Let him find someone who wants what he wants.

@Nymeria6 If you absolutely don't want to lose, and you do want a baby but afraid of the extra work (which let me be frank, it will be) then be honest and say to him this is what's stopping you. Ask him to start doing housework and helping you around the house. Give him a few months to see if he changes. If he does, and you want to have a baby, then have one. But if he won't help out now, and he's not prepared to change, then you'll be left with the burden of doing everything. That'll make you 100 times more exhausted than you are now.

• sorry - meant to say 'if you absolutely don't want to lose him'.

Life is a give and take, and if he's desperate for a baby with you, then he needs to do what it takes to be a good father and partner: start by helping you around the house now, change nappies, cook, do the washing, make the bed. If he's not prepared to do that, then he's not prepared to be a father.

(My washing machine hasn't stopped spinning since I became a mum! Changing nappies, cleaning vomit, multiple trips to GP, answering school emails (you'll need a full-time PA just to deal with school comms.! Sorry, I'm exaggerating a little but most of it is true. Children are exhausting but very precious and wonderful. However, it's no ride in the park and your other half needs to understand what you're both getting yourself into. Oh, and don't get me started on how expensive they are. But they're worth it if you're with the right man.)

You don't want a baby. He does. Let him go and find someone younger who will also want to have a baby. Keep your cat.

He doesn’t care about what you want, only his own feelings. He doesn’t pull his weight. Both of these things add up to him being a really bad choice of co-parent, even if you wanted a baby. Women who are desperate to be mothers turn a blind eye and hope it will be better when the baby comes, and it never is. You only need to spend a few hours here to know that.

You aren’t desperate for a baby, and in fact you know it would make you miserable. Even considering going ahead with it in these circumstances is madness. Don’t do it. Kick him into touch, and live your life the way that makes you and your cat happy.

At some point, you might want to think about why you don’t want a baby (actually you’ve already done that) and whether realistically, if you’ve got to 38 without changing your mind, anything is really going to change in the future. You’re likely to become more settled and comfortable in your childfree life in future, not less. I’m not saying that to be a dick, more because I found it a relief at around your age to shift my mindset from “maybe in a couple of years” to acknowledging that I didn’t have a couple of years, it was now or never, and in that case I was very comfortable with never.

Yes, you should give up & break up.

Your partner should be a source of joy in your life. You sound absolutely miserable. What are you getting out of your relationship?

It is massively important that neither of you is pressured into a situation regarding children that you dont want. A child is a human life who deserve the best from their parents - which would include parents who are both fully committed and ready to support them and do what is needed to keep the family happy and harmonious. As much as you dont want to lose this man, are you willing to bring a child into the world when you are not sure you want to be a parent, or can be a co parent with him.

I think you have to split up. However,
if the housework is the deal breaker then let him know.

He wants kids so it’s not fair to stay with him if you don’t.

He 'ordered' you? Look, you aren't some criminal he's arresting (because this cunt is a copper isn't he). Do you really want a lifetime of this? Is your self esteem on the floor? My advice is to get rid. Do not have a child with this man under any circumstances, he won't change. They never do.

I'm honestly not sure if I want a baby but at 38 mother nature will make that decision for me soon. If I were in my 20s I'd say I wanted a child though. Its my age worrying me.

However I am certain that right now is the wrong time.

I love DP and he is super kind and works hard. I think I do go overboard about the house. I have started bossing him back.

I will speak to him again about baby and helping out. I have dropped day in work so I will feel better eventually not as exhausted.

Plus I don't mind that my cat is high maintenance. She is my absolute world and more or less saved my life when I was severely depressed.

If as you say your cat is your absolute world and she saved your life when you were severely depressed, which I take to mean you may have been thinking of ending it ... Please please don't have a baby. A child is a human being not a sticking plaster desperately applied to a broken relationship. And if you are struggling now, mental health and depression will be hit badly.

Let him go, he wants a family and you don't.

With regards to you doing the 'bulk of the housework', If you're both working FT then it should be shared equally. If you're not working while he works FT, I would expect that to fall to you (as well as the care of the cat)

I love DP and he is super kind and works hard.

How does his kindness manifest? Because someone who leaves the housework and care for their pet to their partner when they’ve been asked not to sounds pretty selfish. And it tends to be rare for selfish people to be kind.

He does sound lazy at home and you're not wrong to want him to change that, but I don't think you're on the same page in terms of having a family, so you need to let him go. If you wanted a child with him, you wouldn't be so uncertain.

Do. Not. Have. A. Baby. To. Please. This. Man.

Do not.

Do you have any idea how many men abandon women who have had children, once they realise it's exhausting and smelly and they can't get any sleep because of a screaming baby, higher bills and absolutely no downtime?

Too many men do this.

Read this, read the replies, and read the quote tweets.

Please.

Thanks v much

I will have a read xx