Mum doesn't want a funeral

[Snickerdoodle17]

My mum dropped a bombshell recently by telling me that she doesn't want to have a funeral. She's not yet 70 and in reasonable health so hopefully we won't be facing this situation for some time, but I'm surprised and a bit sad to hear this. I don't know why she would wish this to be frank as obvs she won't be around to see it! Her reasoning was vague when I asked her why - something about not wanting all the fuss and people being sad. She asked me if I'd be ok with this and asked me to think about it before coming back to her.

We are quite close but she has form for taking big life decisions or withholding important news from family. A few years ago she got married without letting my sibling and I know! We knew she was intending to get married in a low-key way but expected to be invited to a registry office
ceremony, but she rang one day and said she and her partner had just gone and eloped by themselves. It wasn't the not being invited to see her get married - although that was disappointing- but more that she didn't tell us beforehand.

I'm not sure what to think about not having a funeral for her - surely it's a focal point for grief and if there isn't one, won't we kind of feel 'in limbo'? Funerals are for those left behind surely so is it selfish of her not to want one? I guess im kind of hoping someone can shed light on why she'd do this.

I'm in my 50s and have already told my DH and children I don't want a funeral

You do realise that you will be dead and incapable of knowing or caring?

Have you asked them what they want?

'People who do this are too emotionally immature to acknowledge the reality of death IMO. It's the ultimate in selfishness - "It can make no actual difference to me, but I'm too selfish to put my family first".'

I'm very emotionally mature thanks. I'd rather give the dc a few grand for a holiday than line the pockets of funeral directors so folk get to sit in limousines and a coffin is paraded about. Everyone's choice of course, but it is the deceased, not yours.

It's not the deceased's choice though -that's the whole point. Mourning rituals are for the living. If the surviving family prefer to spend the funeral money on something else, then good for them - no one should be guilted into holding a ceremony they don't want. But it should be their choice, not the choice of someone who is no longer alive to care.

You are not emotionally mature if you are seeking to control what people do after you are dead. It's a childish form of denial of the reality of death.

'You do realise that you will be dead and incapable of knowing or caring? Have you asked them what they want?'

Funerals are like weddings, usually discussed before the event. My dm is religious and want the full Requiem Mass. Of course we will respect that and won't think stuff that my wishes trump hers. I want a direct cremation with ashes scattering plus a get together after. Just no limos thanks or hearses going at 5mph. My family know and will respect my wishes because it is what you do in families, respect each others choices.

The deceased gets to decide.

OR such people have thought of the actual time, logistics, costs and stress of funeral arrangements and do not want to burden family on top of their grief.

Personally I would gladly give all funerals a miss having been to my mum's and another young family member's. I guess you will do what helps you at the time though, as you say, your mum won't know anything about it.

I think I would prefer my own to be just a direct cremation. DH said he would like the same, and perhaps I could use the money to throw a big party to remember him. I told him no, I would not be doing that because I couldn't imagine anything worse.

Both of my parents have said the same thing and have already researched it etc and given me the information. It's about £1200 for a direct cremation.
Their reasons are :

1. They are quite mean with money & don't like to spend. They also want to pass said money onto the family after they pass. Their 2 funerals on average would cost 10k and they don't want that amount being spent. They'd rather the grandchildren have the 10k.
2. We have a tiny family on both sides. By the time they pass there will probably only be me, (only child) my husband and our 2 kids to attend. They don't have any siblings /nieces /nephews etc. I'm the only child. My mum has no friends at all. They are retired so no colleagues. So they think it's pointless to spend that when there won't be any guests.

On top of this, my own personal opinion. I am really glad that they've made this decision. I have always hated funerals. I always go to pay my respects to someone, but in the lead up I get huge anxieties, I find the experience extremely upsetting and traumatic. And if it was a close family member I would not feel up to speaking to the other guests there or hosting a wake. I am just too emotional as a person. This is just my own feelings. Obviously I understand that funerals can also be a form of closure for some people.

Same here.

Your last paragraph is utter nonsense.

A few years ago my Dad - 86 and healthy - said he wanted to leave his body to medicine/research, but I said it would cause us more problems/bureaucracy than a funeral, and unless he dies of a fabulously rare disease they probably won’t want his body anyway. He’s said nothing since.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. As a cancer nurse I went to hundreds of funerals, I love them, they help the bereaved.

No they don't 'help the bereaved'. They help 'some of' the bereaved. I can assure you, my parents' and grandparents' funerals didn't help me. On the contrary.

Well we’re all different.

Exactly. Which is why it's wrong for you to make such a sweeping generalisation in the first place and imply that they help everyone.

Wilfully going against the deceased wishes is a great way to pay your last respects to them - not!

Something to think about;

When Dad died we had a visitation, a funeral, and a reception with all the 'trimmings'. Mum died during the height of Covid here in the US so we couldn't have a funeral, it was just a 'direct burial' with 4 of us at the cemetery, no officiant, no ceremonies.

I mourned them both just the same. There was no more nor any less closure or comfort in either situation. The 'focus' was loss and neither a funeral nor the lack of one changed anything we were feeling in our hearts.

There are too many dogmatic people on this thread. Everyone is different and every family is different. There is no correct way to do death. There are always going to be compromises. I guess it helps if families can discuss plans before anything happens.

Anyway I'm sorry for everyone who has lost someone close.

I don't want a funeral either. I'm 60 and can see no point whatsoever - excuse me for being blunt - on spending 7-10k to dispose of a corpse.
I have paid for a pure cremation in advance, and all I ask is that my ashes are scattered alongside my cat who died a couple of years ago preferably in my home town of Glastonbury.
If they want to have some kind of wake fine, if not fine. I won't be around anymore.

Want to bet on that dear? Even if my family wished to go against my wishes they cannot. And I am legally very certain of that.

My BILs dad did this and BIL found the lack of closure very difficult. It's been the better part of a year now, and he's still struggling.
A funeral is a cultural norm of grieving. They can be difficult, and not the most fun ever, but it draws something of a line under a difficult event.

My mum also asked not to have one. I knew this well in advance, and to be honest it was a relief, as in times of grief, I crave privacy, and it makes it even worse for me to have to deal with social rituals and other people's condolences. I don't want a funeral either, and have told people so, though I realize I can't enforce it as I won't be there!

I suppose ultimately it's the decision of those left behind -except in cases where the deceased has insisted on a funeral for religious reasons. If it's important to you, might your mum compromise on a small private funeral with only immediate family?

Isn't it just as selfish to want 'a big send-off' if this would add to their family's distress?

As regards the rights of living family vs the wishes of the deceased, I tend to think:

if the whole family are in agreement about what would help them, I think their wishes should come first.

if relatives disagree with one another, then the wishes of the deceased person should come first.

You are not emotionally mature if you are seeking to control what people do after you are dead. It's a childish form of denial of the reality of death.

Making a will is seeking to control what people do after you're dead! Do you also think that everyone who makes a will is denying the reality of death?

Oh please! What's the difference between standing in a room with the coffin in front of you and down the pub raising a glass? You can mourn a person without the need for a funeral gathering. Plenty of people did 3 years ago.

You can mourn a person without the need for a funeral gathering. Plenty of people did 3 years ago.

And a lot of them are having great difficulty in processing their grief as a result.

My lot know I want a willow coffin and no “family flowers only” bollocks. They won’t have any choice in the matter because it’s all arranged and paid for.

I think her wish should be respected.

You could celebrate her life say by having a gathering of her nearest and dearest. Perhaps on what would have been her next birthday, or on the first anniversary of her death.