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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum doesn't want a funeral

256 replies

Snickerdoodle17 · 11/01/2023 20:23

My mum dropped a bombshell recently by telling me that she doesn't want to have a funeral. She's not yet 70 and in reasonable health so hopefully we won't be facing this situation for some time, but I'm surprised and a bit sad to hear this. I don't know why she would wish this to be frank as obvs she won't be around to see it! Her reasoning was vague when I asked her why - something about not wanting all the fuss and people being sad. She asked me if I'd be ok with this and asked me to think about it before coming back to her.

We are quite close but she has form for taking big life decisions or withholding important news from family. A few years ago she got married without letting my sibling and I know! We knew she was intending to get married in a low-key way but expected to be invited to a registry office
ceremony, but she rang one day and said she and her partner had just gone and eloped by themselves. It wasn't the not being invited to see her get married - although that was disappointing- but more that she didn't tell us beforehand.

I'm not sure what to think about not having a funeral for her - surely it's a focal point for grief and if there isn't one, won't we kind of feel 'in limbo'? Funerals are for those left behind surely so is it selfish of her not to want one? I guess im kind of hoping someone can shed light on why she'd do this.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 12/01/2023 09:46

Dh had a direct cremation, neither of us would ever have expected the other to sit through each others funeral. It would have been too much.

A lot of people who never bothered with him while he was alive had opinions on this.

Ponoka7 · 12/01/2023 09:47

Moonmelodies · 12/01/2023 09:15

The simplest option when someone dies and you get the call from the hospital "Sorry to tell you your xxx has died" is to say "oh, that is a shame" and put the phone down. Let them deal with it.

That's isn't so simple when family members are at odds with what they want. If you are likely to do that then you need to not be anyone's NOK for the hospital to contact and make it clear to the person that you will not make any arrangements,vso they can nominate another person.
It's important to not nominate someone as the executor etc who wants all of the power and no real responsibility and who has the empathy of a brick wall (eg my sister). Eight years later we are only now settling probate, it's been a shit show.

I wanted a direct cremation. My DD's , especially the Mother to my GC didn't want that, so I'm respecting their wishes. I have written down my wishes for my youngest to carry out, though. Things like a themed cardboard coffin etc.

Quveas · 12/01/2023 09:48

To be brutal, she’ll be dead, you can do what you want

Not in my case you can't - because I have locked my wishes legally. I think that if somebody genuinely does not want a funeral, then it is disrespectful to go against their wishes just because they are dead. There are other ways to celebrate a life without having a funeral, which are expensive affairs designed to line the pockets of others. Why would anyone wish to do that?

It is better to engage with someone and work through how you respect their wishes and also celebrate their life when they have passed.

Rhondaa · 12/01/2023 09:52

'To be brutal, she’ll be dead, you can do what you want'

What a disgusting thing to say. Surely, surely abiding by the deceased wishes rather than your own is the least you can you.

gamerchick · 12/01/2023 09:53

Rhondaa · 12/01/2023 09:45

Exactly. There is an element of performance about the whole ritual. And yes absolutely if folk want the whole paraphernalia then have it all paid for in advcance. I bet if people had to have a funeral insurance payment inplace they'd soon decide scattering ashes was actually ok afterall.

Can cost thousands depending how fancy the coffins and cars are. Why not spend it on something nice like a holiday instead?!

Show quote history

Yes. The performance thing. Makes me shudder. I think it's part of the reason I don't want one. I don't want people who I haven't seen in years doing a yearly post saying 'miss you' just for the attention they get. Awful.

Maytodecember · 12/01/2023 09:55

Give yourself time to get used to the idea, you have alternatives.
If your dm has paid for direct cremation you can go along with that, but next of kin would have to notify the company. If you don’t you’d call your own funeral director and plan and pay for what you want.
If you go ahead with the direct cremation you can hold your own service or celebration of her life anywhere you want.
You can ask the direct cremation company to return the ashes to you.

Give yourself some time to get used to the idea and then talk to your dm to see if you can reach a compromise.

Rhondaa · 12/01/2023 09:56

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/01/2023 09:46

Dh had a direct cremation, neither of us would ever have expected the other to sit through each others funeral. It would have been too much.

A lot of people who never bothered with him while he was alive had opinions on this.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Yes it's always the people who couldn't care less in life that want the chance to get a black outfit on and pretent to be grief-stricken.

KateStev · 12/01/2023 10:03

My Dad died recently and requested a direct cremation. My immediate family went to the crematorium beforehand and played some music and saw his coffin etc and spent time together.

The most important thing to us was honouring his wishes. And selfishly, I didn’t want to have to hear or see how sad lots of other people were or have to host a wake.

My family had dinner together afterwards and celebrated him, as we continue to do often.

I am glad he made that choice.

KateStev · 12/01/2023 10:07

(Should add, my Dad left wishes that our immediate family could ‘say goodbye’ at the crematorium if we wished)

MorrisZapp · 12/01/2023 10:08

My dear old gran (now deceased) had a close friend who stated they wanted a cremation, no service, no catering, no nothing. No gathering of any kind.

She travelled by train to attend the cremation with her friends children and two other close friends. Afterwards she said 'we were all hungry but Peter said he didn't want a meal after his cremation so I had to get a sandwich on the train home'.

Bonkers. I mean why tf wouldn't a small assembly of bereaved people who don't often get to meet up just duck into a pub and have a meal together? That's 'no funeral' taken too far and too literally.

Turquoisesea · 12/01/2023 10:09

My friend’s aunt passed away suddenly and had previously requested no funeral. Her adult DD was on holiday at the time but found it very hard as there was nowhere for her to view the body when she came home to say goodbye. Her aunt was just left in the hospital morgue until her body went for cremation, there was no option to go to the funeral directors and as her death was unexpected I think that made it harder. Maybe if she had arranged a private cremation before then it might have been an option. It is personal choice of course but I think it can be hard on family members.

Nogbreaks · 12/01/2023 10:16

I would respect her wishes but do something yourself, like a meal out or a pub drinks to celebrate her life with people who knew her.
funerals are for the living no the dead, and in my culture they are very much a community thing, big and really help with closure.
there’s nothing like laughing, crying and sharing stories together to comes to terms with a loss.

FeliciteFaff · 12/01/2023 10:20

Respect your mums wishes.

phoenixrosehere · 12/01/2023 10:24

Rhondaa · 12/01/2023 09:56

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Yes it's always the people who couldn't care less in life that want the chance to get a black outfit on and pretent to be grief-stricken.

Show quote history

This is one of the major reasons many on my maternal side don’t want a funeral.

My great uncle says this “if you couldn’t find the time to spend time with me when I was alive, don’t bother to come see me when I’m dead.”

Furrydog7 · 12/01/2023 10:43

I don't want a funeral. My grandma wanted a funeral a nd i can honestly say that it was a waste of money. The service was dreadful and i can honestly say that it has not helped me with the grieving process at all.

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/01/2023 10:47

Weddings, funerals and babies always bring out the worst in people.

I think direct cremations will take off.

BarrelOfOtters · 12/01/2023 10:50

@Fluffycloudland77 really? I've been to and been part of some lovely weddings, christenings and funerals that have been as good as they possibly could be in the circumstances.

And some complete soap opera ones too...

AlmondBake · 12/01/2023 10:52

@phoenixrosehere - totally agree. We had a direct cremation for a 90 year old relative that died last year. Her niece complained that she wouldn't get a chance to say goodbye. She hadn't visited her aunt for 3 years or rung her for months 🤷‍♀️

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/01/2023 10:59

Yep, really. The drama caused by other people when they dont get their own way. I had so much pressure to invite people to our wedding dh hated i was even offered money people are so batshit.

My relative is having a child free wedding and had weeks of grief over it from an inlaw with a badly behaved child she has previous for dressing up to match the actual bridesmaids. Their kids the main reason it's child free.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 12/01/2023 11:03

ExtraOnions · 11/01/2023 20:27

Funerals aren’t for the dead, they are for the living … they are an opportunity to give thanks, and say goodbye. It’s an important part of the grieving process.

To be brutal, she’ll be dead, you can do what you want. People will be sad, whether there is a funeral or not.

Exactly this

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 12/01/2023 11:05

It's her choice. Her very last choice too. You should respect that, no matter how difficult it is for you.

Why? She'll be dead. It makes not a blind bit of difference to her.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 12/01/2023 11:08

Not in my case you can't - because I have locked my wishes legally

You can, to an extent, control what happens to your body (though the State can over-ride your wishes if an autopsy or inquest is required). You cannot control whether or not your relatives hold a funeral service.

Rhondaa · 12/01/2023 11:10

'Why? She'll be dead. It makes not a blind bit of difference to her.'

Really? You'd ignore her wishes?

I just find it bizarre that folk wang on about the importance of funerals in the 'grieving process' but are quite happy to trample over the actual wishes of the person they are allegedly grieving for.

GettingStuffed · 12/01/2023 11:14

I'm in my 50s and have already told my DH and children I don't want a funeral. Last year I went to my FiL's funeral and my MiL has only been given a few days left to live. I'm already stress eating for her.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 12/01/2023 11:14

Rhondaa · 12/01/2023 11:10

'Why? She'll be dead. It makes not a blind bit of difference to her.'

Really? You'd ignore her wishes?

I just find it bizarre that folk wang on about the importance of funerals in the 'grieving process' but are quite happy to trample over the actual wishes of the person they are allegedly grieving for.

And I find it even more bizarre that someone would be so selfish and egotistical to put their own imagined but actually non-existent future preferences (because they will be dead) before what is helpful for the people who mourn them.

People who do this are too emotionally immature to acknowledge the reality of death IMO. It's the ultimate in selfishness - "It can make no actual difference to me, but I'm too selfish to put my family first".