Mum doesn't want a funeral

[Snickerdoodle17]

My mum dropped a bombshell recently by telling me that she doesn't want to have a funeral. She's not yet 70 and in reasonable health so hopefully we won't be facing this situation for some time, but I'm surprised and a bit sad to hear this. I don't know why she would wish this to be frank as obvs she won't be around to see it! Her reasoning was vague when I asked her why - something about not wanting all the fuss and people being sad. She asked me if I'd be ok with this and asked me to think about it before coming back to her.

We are quite close but she has form for taking big life decisions or withholding important news from family. A few years ago she got married without letting my sibling and I know! We knew she was intending to get married in a low-key way but expected to be invited to a registry office
ceremony, but she rang one day and said she and her partner had just gone and eloped by themselves. It wasn't the not being invited to see her get married - although that was disappointing- but more that she didn't tell us beforehand.

I'm not sure what to think about not having a funeral for her - surely it's a focal point for grief and if there isn't one, won't we kind of feel 'in limbo'? Funerals are for those left behind surely so is it selfish of her not to want one? I guess im kind of hoping someone can shed light on why she'd do this.

There are two issues here:

1. Respecting her wishes. So, if she doesnt want a funeral, then dont have one.
2. Your need to grieve. Have a memorial, wake, or gathering to mourn her loss and celebrate her life.

That way, both aims are achieved in a respectful but appropriate manner.

@NotReallyTheVicar I love your name. I too have said this so often at funerals. Do you by any chance wear a blue scarf?

I have posted on here before about my experience with this. Both my parents passed away fairly recently. We did not have a funeral for my dad. It was something he felt very strongly about, and my mum and I were very comfortable with going along with this, neither of us particularly wanted one either. There was no other close family to really consider. My mum and I went for lunch and his ashes were disposed of by the crematorium. My mum passed away more recently and she said it was up to me (which was spectacularly unhelpful in all honesty). I did in the end hold a very small,low key funeral, with a small gathering afterwards (I think 15 of us) principally for the benefit of her brother, and partner. Did I get any benefit personally? Honestly no, I do not feel it helped me to mourn my mum in anyway. I feel a bit let down really, after all we are told so much how it is for the benefit of those left behind and how important it is to have such rituals, but really funerals do nothing for me and this confirmed it. There are lots of reasons why people don't want one, the cost, the fuss, the ceremony, they find them distressing. There are many many other ways to remember someone who has passed away and people should be able to break away from these norms should they wish. I would just caveat that actually my dad's non-funeral cost more than my mum's actual funeral so just be careful on that one!

If you want to do something to remember your mum when they time comes, do what gives you comfort. I think it's great your mum has expressed her wishes to you now, but ultimately you can decide what you want to do.

I think all funeral firms offer direct cremation.

I have experienced this with a family member. They said not to bother with a funeral but also made it clear they knew we would ultimately make the decision.

We respected their choice and had a direct cremation and then at a time later we had people who came to the house for a sort of wake to pay their respects.

I think it was the right decision for all involved but at the time there was a lot of pushback. The funeral place could not get their head round it and I had to be very clear that this was what was wanted. To this day I have my suspicions that some people found out the date and went, but I had to let that go. We had a lot of questions from friends who didn't really agree - all of which made the greiving process difficult.

We did find that scattering the ashes helped as well as the informal wake.

I would be upset if I knew that my wishes around my own funeral were not followed. End of life is difficult enough to face without worrying that your final choice is not respected.

I am afraid I often find people who find funerals a helpful part of the grieving process can be rather tactless and unkind to those of us that don't and it would really help if people could appreciate that not everyone feels the same way.

I always think it's weird when people say they don't want to imagine people being sad. They're going to be sad anyway, the funeral just provides a focus for their grief and a chance to share their love for the person who's died.

I think people who don't grieve at the right time often struggle later.

I'd abide by her wishes maybe for a direct cremation but it's up to you if you want to have an informal celebration of life for family and friends.

I'm not having one either. I hate funerals. I don't want someone to have to scrape around to find nice things to say about me for half hour. Im not religious so can't even use bible verses and hymns to bulk it out. I'm having direct cremation, then when they're ready and not feeling sad they can go out for the day somewhere nice have a picnic, release some butterflies, plant a tree or something. I hate the period between death and a funeral, full of dread and stress trying to sort out a wake and all the faff, just no, not in my name thanks. Save the ££££s.

My MIL died last year of Cancer and didn’t want a funeral. We were shocked but respectful of her wishes. We still used a funeral directors to do everything but an actual funeral. She was cremated, we held a lovely wake and the collection of her ashes was made special. We’ll be taking a special holiday to spread her ashes.

In hindsight we found it “better” without a heavy and formal funeral day to organise, pay for and experience. We were very grateful to her for her decision and we’ll all be doing the same.

I am afraid I often find people who find funerals a helpful part of the grieving process can be rather tactless and unkind to those of us that don't and it would really help if people could appreciate that not everyone feels the same way.

^^ This

The simplest option when someone dies and you get the call from the hospital "Sorry to tell you your xxx has died" is to say "oh, that is a shame" and put the phone down. Let them deal with it.

I would say exactly the same in reverse, though.

The absolute no funeral is what my friend, who died recently, wanted. She died at home, was taken away somewhere (not a funeral director) and we were just told what day the cremation would happen on. Just the day, no time and no ashes of course.
It did feel strange, but it was her wish. I think there is going to be some sort of pub gathering where people can just get together and talk about good times with her.

So I think your Mum needs to decide exactly what she means by no funeral, and put her wishes in her will so there is no confusion at the time. It's hard but it's her choice.

i think it’s her right to say what should happen with her body - cremation, funeral etc. And perhaps if there is somewhere meaningful she’d like to be buried, scattered or have a plaque.

As for how you remember her, surely that is up to you? What’s next - don’t ever tell this story about me after I die, you must never cry/laugh/regret? When you are dead you are dead. The people who are grieving should decide what they want to do. Perhaps taking into account that the person may have had many friends and family who wish to come together and remember them. If you don’t want to attend then stay away but don’t deprive others of their chance to grieve.

When my father died the funeral was like a punctuation point. My mother said she didn’t realise what a release it would be. Having people travel from far to honour him was very moving. I can’t imagine not having that and again, if you don’t want to go then attendance is not compulsory. But it’s a big decision to make on behalf of dozens of other people.

Thing is funerals are like sad films, you don't even have to be invested to get emotional.

I went to a neighbour's, not remotely close just pleasantries occasionally, yet the sight of the cars the coffin just makes you cry even if you couldn't care less. It's all an overhyped and overly formal. Imo only. I do not want to offend those who feel it is an important part of grief.

I just will not put our dc through it. Everyone looking at everyone else, the anticipation for the first sight of the box/coffin.

I think a direct cremation, ashes scattered in an unpressured relaxed environment with a supportive group then a pub meal far more appropriate.

They'll look back at our parading coffins about in decades to come and wonder what on earth the point was.

Grieving is natural and important but, as this thread shows, lots of people don't need a funeral to grieve. Our family didn't need or want a funeral to grieve for my Dad.

There are too many people making blanket statements about what's the right and wrong way of grieving and remembering people who have died in this thread. Everyone's different. The important thing is to work out what is best for you and your family.

Friend if ours had a Simply Cremation funeral. They took his body in a hearse from the funeral home to a crematorium of his choice - no family present, just the undertakers. His ashes were then brought home and his family had a small ceremony on the farm that they live on and scattered them.
Have to say, it was absolutely lovely and very personal to him. Myself and my husband have decided that we're going to do the same .

It's her choice. Her very last choice too.
You should respect that, no matter how difficult it is for you.

Speak to her again about some sort of wake, whether just as small afternoon tea at your house or even just a cup of tea, glass of something and some cake. If you feel it will really help you and your family, then it isn't a bad thing.

I want a direct cremation. I'm only 41 but I don't want my sons landed with decisions and expense. Not religious so don't need that aspect of it and I won't know anyway, my faith or peace with 'God' will be made in life if it is ever to be made at all.

I would like to be interred near my dad, my mum will be there too and my husband can join me if he wishes 🤣

I would be upset if I thought my children wouldn't respect my wishes. I am aware I won't know anything about it but it wouldn't sit right with me to do this to my mum in this situation.

Yeah I agree with this.

My mum is the ‘just throw me in the bin’ type, and while I get her thinking, of course I will have a ‘funeral’ when needed. It won’t be big bang and fanfares but she’s my mum, I’ll want her family and friends to have the opportunity to say goodbye.

Does she have much family/ friends?
I don't think I'd want a funeral either tbh. I have family and some close friends but I'd think it's a waste of money.

Some people are quite morbid though. Look at all the people who do it's been 107 years since my great great great uncle died. We miss you' crap on SM.

The yearly date thing on SM gives me the heebies as well.

Personally if you want the bells and whistles, you should make sure it's all paid for before you peg it. Landing family with the costs is out of order.

This isn't always the case.I HATED my dad's funeral, the planning.... flowers, cars, church, venue and buffet...it reminded me of some sick version of my wedding preparations.
I hated the having to turn up at a 'ceremony' and 'put on a face' socialising with people I barely knew when I wanted to do anything but.I cried and cried the night before because i felt like i just couldn't do it....i didn't want all these strangers to witness my grief I wanted to grieve privately.I didn't want to go round eating sausage rolls and making small talk.It didn't help me personally to 'say goodbye' one little bit, and if anything I felt it made everything worse.
I did it all solely for my mum, and because it was my dad's wishes.

What I feel WAS important was seeing him being buried.It was just me, my mum, DH and our little girls, and it felt alot more appropriate as a way to grieve.I didn't have to go around being fake the whole time!

Would that be something she could do? Simple but you still get a chance to grieve and say goodbye.

Good idea- there is no time limitations on that either, it can be done once the initial shell shock has passed somewhat.I would have liked to do that for my dad.I really wanted to talk about him to the congregation, my memories of him etc, but 3 weeks after his death with a newborn in tow I just didn't feel ready and couldn't do it :(

Exactly. There is an element of performance about the whole ritual. And yes absolutely if folk want the whole paraphernalia then have it all paid for in advcance. I bet if people had to have a funeral insurance payment inplace they'd soon decide scattering ashes was actually ok afterall.

Can cost thousands depending how fancy the coffins and cars are. Why not spend it on something nice like a holiday instead?!

I like that expression...'grief tourists'! what is it with those people who seem to actually ENJOY attending funerals and go to them whenever they can, even if they barely knew the deceased?! I can't think of anything worse and avoid them whenever possible!