PIL treats SILs dog as a Grandchild.

[SnickersTwix]

Will say at the outset I am not a person who has ever owned a dog. Nothing against them but would not be classed as a “dog” person.
I have young DCs. SIL does not have children but has a dog- let’s call him Fred. Would like children in the future and still has time.

My AIBU is the PIL treat Fred as a grandchild and refer to their GCs as my DCs and Fred. Fred is part of the family and has birthdays, cards and presents and is generally celebrated in the same way as GC. If we go for a celebration meal the restaurant needs to be dog friendly so “Fred feels included”. SIL appears to like and go along with this. SIL says Fred is her child and her relationship with Fred is the same as mine with DC.

Am I wrong to find this all OTT? Borderline creepy? Disrespectful to my DC? I know dogs are part of the family and are deeply loved family pets to many. But surely there is a distinction to be drawn between GC and Fred? Won’t it be odd if SIL has a child in the future and that child is seen as “level” with Fred. Or am I missing the point as I don’t have and have never had a dog?

Don’t be jealous of Fred. Be happy that a little creature, who doesn’t get long on this earth, is that loved. It doesn’t detract from your kids, does it? And you don’t know what might be going on behind the scenes with your sister in law.

I'm my view, love is not like a cake, where the more you love different thing, the smaller each slice gets. It seems to me that love is much more like a muscle. The more you exercise it, the more it can do.

so your parents in law love your children, and the dog. Seems like a win win to me.

Yabvu Fred is part of the family.He is justly treated as such.🐕🐾🐾💖

I agree. It is weird.

Confess that I buy ddog presents, we celebrate her birthday. We do the same for dgs too. I don't refer to ddog as my child or grandchild but she is part of our family and she comes on holiday and out for meals (although happy to leave her home for meals out) for that reason

My DP missed both my own & my son's 18th birthday last yr because Dsis dog is higher up the pecking order apparently. Know where we stand now & have been LC since, I'm not sure they've even noticed but we are past caring as it's not the only occasion this has occurred.

Sounds a lot like my dog mad family. While we don't go so far as to refer to our dogs as our children, we do treat them as part of the family. We give them presents (not cards because they'd only try to eat them) and usually when we meet up we go to a dog friendly restaurant. We are fortunate to live in a very dog friendly location so everyone else in the restaurant has one too.

If you haven't ever had a dog, you won't get how much joy and fun they bring to families. I jokingly refer to myself as my dog's mum and I love her to bits, but the way I feel about my human children is different. In the same way, your parents will not love your SIL's dog more than your DC.

My dogs are referred to as the grand dogs. As long as your kids are not being actively disadvantaged, why do you care? Seems like you feel you should be more important because you have procreated.

You’ve never had dogs so you have absolutely no idea what it’s like to love one. My dog is just as loved and spoilt as my child is. He was here before my son and was my mum/dad’s grandpuppy. He gets birthday/Christmas presents. What’s the issue?!

Its a bit like that parenting thread about people who judged parents before having children themselves. I would let it go OP, see how she behaves when she has a human child of her own, bet 'fred' gets usurped and ends up living with her parents !

I think it’s the anthropomorphic nature of it that I find odd. According to PIL and SIL Fred has the full range of emotions and understanding of English that humans have.

Thank you for all the comments including the YABU. I think PIL don’t want SIL to feel left out. SIL wants kids but hasn’t met the right partner. I think I hadn’t fully reflected on this and I need to be kinder in my thoughts.

I think reflecting on my reaction to this a lot of it comes from a real frustration that SIL equates her experiences as a dog mum with my experiences with DC. She thinks my pregnancy, difficult labour, C-Section, breastfeeding issues, baby newborn stuff is analogous with her selecting, buying and then bringing home a puppy. I think when I analyse it I find that really insulting and it gets my heckles up. I appreciate she has not had my experiences but I would have thought even to someone who hasn’t got first hand experience of new motherhood it would be clear that they are not the same thing.

I think this is right and I will try to do so.

They would come but there would be comments peppered through out about Fred not being there, missing out etc.

I think PIL don’t want SIL to feel left out. SIL wants kids but hasn’t met the right partner. I think I hadn’t fully reflected on this and I need to be kinder in my thoughts.

I think you need to focus on this. There’s a good chance you have what she wants, and she’s just really trying to be part of the ‘club’ and have a similar experience with Fred. She might be using her little dog to fill the gap she feels. Her parents might be aware of that and are conscious of her feeling left out and in pain. Don’t pour scorn on top. Ignore it if it pisses you off but realise it detracts not from your children.

😂

All the dogs in our family are treated this way birthdays / Christmas/ outings and always will. Would rather spend time with dogs rather than family members 🙂

It’s not for you to say where dogs should and shouldn’t be allowed. Fine in your own house with your own pet but to say a blanket “dogs shouldn’t be allowed on soft furnishings” is weird. In my house, I’ll decide who is and isn’t allowed on my sofa.

My family and my PIL treat our dog like a grandchild, he fills that same except he is a dog. If I did have children I would probably treat my dog and child as my children, I would love them both, they would both depend on my and I would be their care giver.

My parents refer to their dogs as brother and sister to me and my (human 😂) brother. My cat received her own Christmas card & gift from 4 different households in my partners family. It's not hurting anyone!

Why is it disrespectful to your children?

you say you think she “has time”.

I wouldn’t tell my sister in law that I couldn’t have children. I would tell my parents. For all you know, Fred may be the only child she’ll ever have.

Tbh @SnickersTwix I have five dc including two with ASD and they were a doddle compared to having one puppy so can empathise with your SIL and her analogies and comparisons to your child rearing tbh.

Unsure how old your kids are but does FIL ever say " Go on Fred, go sit with your cousins"....my exs father when talking to his (stinking decaying) dog would refer to my BF as his brother! He also visited me in my home once (lived separately) and just bought the smelly thing into the living room. I asked my BF to have a word with him about this and it didn't happen again but BF lied and said I was scared of dogs.
It's not for me to say how much a dog means to someone but its unreasonable tobexpect you to penalised if you don't join in.

You are jealous of a DOG?

I’ve got Siamese grand cats , they are lovely . My dog is as important a family member as any of us .

I don't get what it's to you. You said yourself SIL refers to it as her child. My aunt has no children but a cat, my mum buys the cat a Christmas present. I think it's a bit weird, but why not, it's just being inclusive 🤷🏼‍♀️