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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL treats SILs dog as a Grandchild.

195 replies

SnickersTwix · 11/01/2023 14:36

Will say at the outset I am not a person who has ever owned a dog. Nothing against them but would not be classed as a “dog” person.
I have young DCs. SIL does not have children but has a dog- let’s call him Fred. Would like children in the future and still has time.

My AIBU is the PIL treat Fred as a grandchild and refer to their GCs as my DCs and Fred. Fred is part of the family and has birthdays, cards and presents and is generally celebrated in the same way as GC. If we go for a celebration meal the restaurant needs to be dog friendly so “Fred feels included”. SIL appears to like and go along with this. SIL says Fred is her child and her relationship with Fred is the same as mine with DC.

Am I wrong to find this all OTT? Borderline creepy? Disrespectful to my DC? I know dogs are part of the family and are deeply loved family pets to many. But surely there is a distinction to be drawn between GC and Fred? Won’t it be odd if SIL has a child in the future and that child is seen as “level” with Fred. Or am I missing the point as I don’t have and have never had a dog?

OP posts:
Leadbridge · 11/01/2023 15:28

Our dog is treated like this to a certain extent (by us and PIL), and we do have children too. It is the same with SILs dogs - collectively the dogs are referred to as the grand dogs. Sometimes we include the dog when talking about the children and sometimes they children refer to the dog as their brother.

We do not take the dogs out for meals though (unless on holiday) or do presents anything like consistently and definitely NOT cards!

SilliusSoddus · 11/01/2023 15:29

I also think sometimes we get hung up on debating whether or not a dog is a deserving receiver of all this love.

I actually don't think that's the point (of dogs) at all.

The point is, the act of loving is in itself the gift. Your SIL has a target for all this love in her to be focussed on. That's actually pretty great.

I don't know what it is about humans but we seem to have spent hundreds (thousands?) of years deciding who or what was the worthy recipient of someone else's love.

SingingSands · 11/01/2023 15:31

My parents do this with my brothers dogs. My brother doesn't have kids. They say "we've got the boys this weekend", they have a WhatsApp group for them and they even have T-shirts with pics of the dogs on them that say "favourite grandchildren".

They are absolutely bonkers and of course they love their actual grandchildren, but their love of dogs is well known - they've had dogs for their entire lives.

Also, GC are teens now and not as "interactive" with Grandparents. Dogs never grow up!

There's no malice or harm in it. My kids aren't traumatised. It's a source of much teasing, but good natured.

Dixiechickonhols · 11/01/2023 15:31

My mum treats our dog as her grandson (she has human granddaughters) it gives her pleasure. It’s harmless. She buys him little presents and comes to see him.
I think she enjoys him as he’s like a toddler and her real gc are older. I don’t think it detracts from real ones.

GeekyThings · 11/01/2023 15:31

I honestly can't see the harm in any of this, unless the kids were hugely restricted in their party locations to accommodate the dog. And even then, I'd say a kids party isn't really for adults anyway, so why would you bother inviting extended family to that one instead of just going for a meal with them at a different time?

And also, who cares if your SIL does or doesn't feel the same way about her dog as you do your kids? Their her feelings, and unless you're her, you can't really argue that she doesn't feel them, can you? It doesn't matter you feel any less love towards your children, does it? So why care?

And I say this as a person who is not a dog person at all!

Rockingcloggs · 11/01/2023 15:32

Not sure why you're bothered? To your SIL & PIL Fred is as loved as any other member of their family and if it makes them happy then rightly so.

Stompythedinosaur · 11/01/2023 15:32

It should be enough that your dc are treated nicely. Being jealous that a dog is treated just as nicely is a bit weird. It comes across as you feeling competitive with sil and wanting to "win" the most attention and affection.

Shinyandnew1 · 11/01/2023 15:34

Yes, I think that’s a bit odd as well. Does the dog have to come to your house if you have a get together? That would probably annoy me!

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 11/01/2023 15:40

They are batshit. No, a relationship with a dog is never the same as that with a child, and I speak as an animal lover who has always been around cats, dogs and horses.

If your SiL is claiming these relationships are on the same footing, but has no idea having not experienced the other, then she's talking out of her arse. But whilst I'm sure that's intensely annoying, if she wants to talk out of her arse then it's no skin off your nose. Yes, I'd mentally roll my eyes, but if that won't suffice as a response then a quick swerve of subject: 'yeah, yeah, now HOW about that stock market!' should make the point amply clear without causing a major family ruckus.

Yes, it's ridiculous - and it's also small stuff. But you won't get any mileage out of asking this question on MN: the dog threads being second in batshittery only to The-Board-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named and which even Justine Roberts thinks is full of whackadoos ...

YetiTeri · 11/01/2023 15:42

Dog and people relationships are just lovely. Stop being so needy (a dog wouldn't complain about your kids)

Crunchymum · 11/01/2023 15:43

In-laws are going to be very disappointed if they outlive their "grand-dog-baby"

😮

Pearlygates · 11/01/2023 15:44

Creepy Yes but I couldn't give a rat's ass about it.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 11/01/2023 15:45

Meh, my Mum is closer to my dog than she is my brother's kids! She certainly spends more time with her. Definitely a grand-dog.

WestwardHo1 · 11/01/2023 15:48

It's ridiculous to let how your PIL treat the dog as a reflection of how they feel about your children and by extension, you. How insecure can you get?

JazbayGrapes · 11/01/2023 15:48

Its weird to be jealous of a dog

Nosleepforthismum · 11/01/2023 15:49

I have a Fred and she was very much my first baby (until my real baby came along) and my sister now has two dogs that are treated as her real life babies. I wouldn’t overthink this. My dog is still adored but has definitely been relegated to the bottom of the pack and it’s now mainly all about my DC. My sister will probably be the same when/if she has children. However, dogs can genuinely get in your hearts like kids can and I personally think it’s lovely that your PIL’s treat Fred as if they are a big part of the family as (to your SIL) Fred is currently the most important thing in her life. It’s not a slight on your DC’s at all.

WestwardHo1 · 11/01/2023 15:49

No, a relationship with a dog is never the same as that with a child, and I speak as an animal lover who has always been around cats, dogs and horses.

Some people find relationships with animals more fulfilling. We're not all the same. I like my cat better than my nieces and nephews.

gogohmm · 11/01/2023 15:50

My mum refers to my dog and the granddog, he doesn't get birthday cards but does get Christmas presents and we do choose dog friendly venues generally if he's coming to save leaving him the house

BellePeppa · 11/01/2023 15:51

When I was a teenager our dog was our ‘sister’. We loved her so much she’s still missed years later. But we did actually treat her as a dog and not a human. She never went to restaurants or had birthday celebrations etc. If Fred is well behaved then it wouldn’t bother me if he was included in stuff.

MatildaTheCat · 11/01/2023 15:51

If there was a hypothetical lifeboat situation and only space for x number of people which meant leaving with a child or a dog behind I imagine your DP would choose your child to save.

In the real world they are sweetly including their DD’s beloved pet as a member of the family.

YABU.

CovertImage · 11/01/2023 15:52

I hope they leave everything to Fred in their will since you think they're "borderline creepy"

Marblessolveeverything · 11/01/2023 15:52

We are a family where dogs and cats have birthdays, are included in celebrations etc. My children refer to their furry nibbling(s) they don't nor will have human ones - we all were brought up that way, actually my mother was also so we are three generations in!

As a family the whatsapp will have mulitiple pics of the furry grand kids and eh rather less of the nonfurry as they are reaching teen/tween years. This is very much a you issue not a them or a respect issue. You do you and let them do them - simples!

Ilovechinese · 11/01/2023 15:55

I don't see what yoir problem is? As long as yoir children are still treated good which it sounds like they are why do you have a problem with them loving the dog?

ClubhouseGift · 11/01/2023 15:55

YANBU. I would not entertain this.

I would not allow Fred around my house, at any celebration or party and would deliberately book “no dogs allowed” places. I also would not be celebrating the animals “birthday”.

Comfyonion · 11/01/2023 15:56

Totally get you OP. IMO people's behavior around dogs has just gone proper weird within the last 5 or so years. I get "it's not doing any harm/just ignore it/dogs are great" but people's attitudes around their dogs has just become far too over the top and more than humanised, it's idolised. If a place isn't dog friendly then it's vilified. What's next, dogs at the doctors, dogs visiting at hospital?

I appreciate my opinions are unpopular with the dog loving tribe (my parents among them!). I am an animal lover and would love for other animals to be given the same pedestal dogs appear to have been put on.