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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL treats SILs dog as a Grandchild.

195 replies

SnickersTwix · 11/01/2023 14:36

Will say at the outset I am not a person who has ever owned a dog. Nothing against them but would not be classed as a “dog” person.
I have young DCs. SIL does not have children but has a dog- let’s call him Fred. Would like children in the future and still has time.

My AIBU is the PIL treat Fred as a grandchild and refer to their GCs as my DCs and Fred. Fred is part of the family and has birthdays, cards and presents and is generally celebrated in the same way as GC. If we go for a celebration meal the restaurant needs to be dog friendly so “Fred feels included”. SIL appears to like and go along with this. SIL says Fred is her child and her relationship with Fred is the same as mine with DC.

Am I wrong to find this all OTT? Borderline creepy? Disrespectful to my DC? I know dogs are part of the family and are deeply loved family pets to many. But surely there is a distinction to be drawn between GC and Fred? Won’t it be odd if SIL has a child in the future and that child is seen as “level” with Fred. Or am I missing the point as I don’t have and have never had a dog?

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 11/01/2023 14:50

Ask sil did she feel awkward bf or was Fred ff?
The whole thing is disturbing..

whirlyhead · 11/01/2023 14:51

My partner's mother calls our cats her grandcats. Can't say I mind but I don't have kids as I prefer animals. The restaurant part is a bit weird, but everyone's different.

JennyForeigner · 11/01/2023 14:51

Aww that's sweet.

I had a dog in my thirties when my siblings were building their families and I thought it wasn't going to happen for me.

I loved that dog so much. He gave me a reason to buy a home with a garden, find work that I liked and make a home and community. My parents loved the socks off him too and I will appreciate how they were with him till the end of my days.

Just saying. I think you could really hurt your SIL by being mean about this and for what? It's not like your parents really believe mr fluffy paws is a biological relation, is it?

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 11/01/2023 14:51

I think you're quoting me @BiteyShark and that was in direct response to someone saying that dogs should be treated worse. I was disagreeing and that 'different' doesn't mean 'worse' except when you've got a mad dog fancier about.

GiltEdges · 11/01/2023 14:51

Meh, I don’t really see the issue.

DH and I had dogs before having DS. For all intents and purposes, they were like our “children”, and we loved and cared for them as such. When DS came along, that didn’t change and we chose not to have any more DC, so they are for all intents and purposes his “siblings”/playmates, who love him and play with him - no doubt far better than human siblings would at times!

You’re not a dog person so you won’t understand, but I don’t see why this is even something that bothers you enough for it to register?

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 11/01/2023 14:51

As a childless dog owner I think that's weird and you and your DH should be able to verbalise the issue - that it would be nice or your kids to be treated without having a dog brought along as a boon companion and peer!

I love my dog. He is the nearest thing to a kid I'll ever have. But he is not a child. Nephews and nieces, the kids of friends, are all considered apart from the dog, not as though they were the same as the dog! Next time your SIL says anything quite as vacuous as her relationship with Fred is the same as mine with DC. look her in the eye and say quite loudly it REALLY isn't!

I doubt any of them have ever thought of how your kids view this. Maybe it is time they did!

BiteyShark · 11/01/2023 14:52

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 11/01/2023 14:51

I think you're quoting me @BiteyShark and that was in direct response to someone saying that dogs should be treated worse. I was disagreeing and that 'different' doesn't mean 'worse' except when you've got a mad dog fancier about.

Apologies. Thread moving very fast.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 11/01/2023 14:53

but I don’t see why this is even something that bothers you enough for it to register?

I imagine the fact that every family celebration is built around including the dog does have some impact on OPs kids. Not least on their sense of importance within the extended family unit. Can you imagine wanting to go to somewhere for your birthday and being told no - because the dog won't like it/be allowed in?!

ImBlueDab · 11/01/2023 14:53

Justcallmebebes · 11/01/2023 14:37

I sometimes wish I'd never had kids and got a dog instead so I can see where they're coming from

Me too Grin

IncyWincyGrownUp · 11/01/2023 14:55

Dogs and humans are not the same.

Not saying dogs are worse, or lesser, but they are not comparable.

I would not focus my entire wider family interactions around the needs of a pet. A fully trained assistance dog, absolutely. Fred? Nah.

xogossipgirlxo · 11/01/2023 14:57

I died at "Freed feels included" 😬

My mum calls my cats her grandchildren. I find it odd, but what you can do. I never call my cats my children, don't know where she took it from.

Calphurnia88 · 11/01/2023 14:58

It's a bit eccentric but I can see how pets do become family members. We have pets within the family that are (sincerely) referred to as sons and their owners as mum/dad, which is endearing.

It doesn't sound like it's causing any harm?

Edinburghmusing · 11/01/2023 15:03

Well - but it’s generally not good for a dog to leave it alone for more than four hours - so from a logistics perspective at the very least outings would need to take that into account.

i think that OP is VERY weird for being jealous of a dog

dog is probably cuter than your kids I’m afraid op…

uncomfortablydumb53 · 11/01/2023 15:03

It's OTT about needing a dog friendly restaurant for a family meal, but a dog IS a family member IMO, so in that way can be compared to DC

Calphurnia88 · 11/01/2023 15:08

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 11/01/2023 14:53

but I don’t see why this is even something that bothers you enough for it to register?

I imagine the fact that every family celebration is built around including the dog does have some impact on OPs kids. Not least on their sense of importance within the extended family unit. Can you imagine wanting to go to somewhere for your birthday and being told no - because the dog won't like it/be allowed in?!

If this is the case then I think OP has grounds to be annoyed. If Little Johnny wants to go bowling on his birthday but grandparents pooh-pooh the idea because Fred can't go then that's obviously wrong.

But if it's more a case of booking a dog friendly pub for Grandma's birthday (for example) then I don't really see the problem.

tonystarksrighthand · 11/01/2023 15:12

Justcallmebebes · 11/01/2023 14:37

I sometimes wish I'd never had kids and got a dog instead so I can see where they're coming from

Smile
2bazookas · 11/01/2023 15:12

Yes, you are missing the point entirely.

If you really believe your DC are less highly regarded than Fred the Dog, could it be related to behaviour and training?

Is Fred well behaved, obedient , friendly, well housetrained, a pleasure to be around? Is he always eager to join in family activities? Does he go to his bed when told? Enjoy his meals without complaint? I'm betting he does not spend much time sulking, scowling, staring at a phone, whining, muttering under his breath.

Nevermind31 · 11/01/2023 15:16

A dog us like a child into you have a child, then the dog is just a dog.
maybe they are doing it so SIL does not feel left out. Maybe they genuinely love Fred and find him less work than actual children.
a bit weird but harmless

UncleQuentinsWife · 11/01/2023 15:17

My dog knows when we have been out with our family and she wasn't there, (presumably because she can smell them when we get home) and she goes in a huff. She would be very jealous of Fred being included in everything.

It's not up to you how the feel or talk about Fred. Don't go to meals or whatever where Fred is included if you don't want to.

Letthekidsplay · 11/01/2023 15:19

Your in laws sound fun and really sweet.

Zebedee55 · 11/01/2023 15:20

I find it weird that some people equate animals to humans, but each to their own.

Nw22 · 11/01/2023 15:21

Dogs are treated like children in my family. I’d much rather have a grand dog than a grand child

CruCru · 11/01/2023 15:24

I think it depends where in the country you are. If pretty much everywhere is dog friendly (apart from, say, the zoo) then it seems okay.

If most places won't let dogs in then that is a bit annoying.

SilliusSoddus · 11/01/2023 15:25

wibblewobbleball · 11/01/2023 14:43

I couldn't get worked up about this. You have children and they're celebrated and loved. Your SIL has a dog, and it's celebrated and loved. Everyone is winning in this situation, I don't see why your nose is out of joint.

Yup, this.

I don't suppose the dog gives a shiny shit about being left out of a celebration meal but I also don't see much harm in including them either.

saraclara · 11/01/2023 15:26

centering family events around it so its feelings aren't hurt is a bit crazy

It's more than a bit crazy.

I love dogs, but family events should not revolve around the dog not being left out.
It means that the human's choices are unnecessarily restricted in situations where the dog doesn't have a clue (and would probably rather be at home in his basket anyway).