I’m 45 and due to do this next week

[Lifejustfliesbydoesntit]

Go for an appointment to discuss whether to transfer my final frozen embryo.
After struggling to conceive for 9 years, many losses and ivf rounds, I finally got pregnant at 39 and now have a beautiful 4,5 year old daughter. I just turned 45 and have to decide now whether to use my frozen embryo from when I was 39, if successful I would give birth at 45.
What would you do?

I had my second when I was just turning 43, and personally I would not recommend it, no.

Go for it if you think you will regret not doing it, it’s easy for people who haven’t difficulties conceiving to comment on your age but it’s your life. On my last chance I got pregnant at 47 and it is harder as you don’t fit in so much with younger parents etc etc but you don’t live your life for them!

There is a part of me that gets this. But equally who decides what situation is perfect for a child. What if we're a harsh judge of our situation?

We're well off and I think kind but my husband works a lot and I get anxious, is that ok? My energetic friend got pregnant at 20, probably too young. My friendly calm other friend was 41 and overweight, poor, didn't feel healthy, probably too old. I think we're all good parents with advantages and disadvantages of our own. My friend who has less money gets stuff from carboot sales etc..

Are we saying only perfect people in good health, the right mood, well off should have kids at just the right time (aged 26-35 I suppose)? And then if those people have kids but get ill are they no longer ok to be parents.

I think the most important thing is that you love the child, take care of their needs and find a way to manage the situation you're in. If you think you can't or don't really want them best not to have kids.

"People should not have children just because they "want" them."

FFS, that's exactly why the vast majority people have children!

Only on mumsnet...🤦🏻‍♀️

The first 3 of my 4 children are ivf, so I understand the longing for a child. I’m 50 now, with 4 teenagers, and one of them, the 15year old is TORTURING me, with his teenage bullshit. I can’t wait for him to move out, and for me to get my life back. You’ll be 60 when this baby will be 15. It’s absolutely exhausting when the teenage years are tough.
You’ll be unable to contemplate early retirement or downsizing until much later. in my opinion, and only because you asked, I think you’re too old x

Why have you waited 4.5 years from having your previous child to consider having another?

I would have done it a few years ago to get them closer in age, and for you to be younger. I would probably feel like the ship had sailed now for siblings to play together, and the younger ages stages to be done at once.

Are you in good health ? Your partner in good health ? For some reason recently I know about 4 men who reached 50 and seemed to hit major health issues. Their wives all look and seem really young still. 2 of them have really young kids and their wives are having to do all the work really.

Further to my earlier message - there’s six years between number one and number two, then I had three more! Yes it’s a big gap, but anything can work, and although their needs are very different with an age gap like that, it’s not a bad thing to be aware of your kids’ different needs. The younger child might have to get dragged to things a bit, but even these moments can be turned into something good if you let go of perfection.

Very good point of the big age gap between siblings if, as a 50 year old mother, you were hoping for a15year old to play with your toddler!

Maybe someone has asked up thread but the fathers age is also a factor?

if he is younger than you then great. I’f he is much older that could present more problems.

Sorry,11/12 year old

Do it ! And best of luck I really hope it works out for you. If your still fit and healthy and think 45 is ok . Personally 45 is my cut off age for having kids but parents can get ill at any age . Don’t leave it then have regrets. 💐

I had my first at 45 and my second at 47...they are now 8 and 6 and are great. I love being a mum and whilst I would have preferred to have been a younger mum that wasn't on the cards for me.

Feel free to PM me - if you have anything specific you would.like to ask OP.

Honestly I’m going through the exact same dilemma except no IVF. I’m about to turn 42. I have a 14 and an 11 year old but always wanted a third but hubby would never agree. He’s finally come around to as financially we are at a point where we could do it. But I’m old and our other 2 are old. I have no idea if it would even be possible. But we have flip flopped over the last year so much I have whiplash. I feel for you. It is a hard decision without a crystal ball.

In your shoes assuming that I could afford it I would absolutely do it. I struggled ttc DC2 for 7 years (took ages for DC1, got there in the end). Couldn't afford IVF, finally (to my shock and delight) had DC2 at 45. Best thing ever. If I could wave a magic wand I would have been 10 years younger (so that I'm around for them longer, plus ideally I would have wanted one more but that ship has sailed) but you get what you're given and if you have the chance and want it I say go for it. You don't want to wonder what if/regret not trying.

@Lifejustfliesbydoesntit i say go for it!

45 isn't too old if you are keen and healthy. The egg is of a 39 year old so no additional risk related to your age. It's only a couple years older than you were planning.

I must say I think that all the encouragement people generally make to “wait for the right time” and “make sure your home/finances are in order” before ah h g a baby is not a viewpoint I share. I’m aware that’s quite left field of me - but I’m a big believer in going for things and if it’s meant to be it will. I think you can plan and plan and plan but firstly plans go awry, and secondly, for me having kids isn’t about a plan - they aren’t investments of pieces of furniture, they’re pure magic. X

I would go for it. If it doesn’t work then at least I had tried.

Why ever not?

DD was still at primary school when I turned 50 and is off to university soon. She's never been one for drama but I've no doubt I would've cope.

How fragile/doddery do you think the average over 50 woman is?

If freezing an embryo isnot "having a plan",I am not sure what is PP.

45 means 46 when born? Too old. You will see that when you hit 50.

My DD was also at primary school when I hit 50. She is 14 now. I can cope with a 14 year old, not a newborn. I am not doddery.

Realistic.

My friend was in this exact same situation as you 5yrs ago OP. She was 45 and gave birth to a beautiful little healthy boy via a frozen embryo. She had one frozen embryo left, felt if it was meant to be she may as well give another shot, tried it 3yrs ago but sadly it never defrosted properly and they weren't able to implant it. No advice as only you can decide but all the best with whatever you chose to do ❤️

I'm in your situation age 46 (one 6 year old) and last embryo in the freezer. It feels scary to use the last one in case it doesn't work- no more hope left I guess and the chances of it working are really none. Go for it if it doesn't work then at least you tried your best.

Just do it. Wishing you all of the best.