I’m 45 and due to do this next week

[Lifejustfliesbydoesntit]

Go for an appointment to discuss whether to transfer my final frozen embryo.
After struggling to conceive for 9 years, many losses and ivf rounds, I finally got pregnant at 39 and now have a beautiful 4,5 year old daughter. I just turned 45 and have to decide now whether to use my frozen embryo from when I was 39, if successful I would give birth at 45.
What would you do?

Wow, this is so, so wrong.

Her qn was v clearly stated at the end. What would you do, in the context of her circumstances. Would you go for it, would you not go for it?

@SleepingStandingUp She doesn't tell us her circumstances, only the age of her child and how old she is herself.

There is a HUGE amount we simply don't know.

How fit she is (is she healthy, active, or not?)
Is she in peri menopause, so it all might be harder anyway?
Does she work? (Could she afford to stop work or does she want to?)
What are her finances?
Does she have parental support ?
Is her home big enough for a 2nd child?
What does her H want?

I didn't have a child at 45 nor wanted one then.
What I'd have done in her shoes may not be what she'd have chosen to do.

That's a tough one. I think I probably would. But before you do have a hard think about the practicalities, not just the ideal version of the outcome.

You will be menopausal when they are small. You may be fine but many women find they are hit with a wall of unbelievable exhaustion and volatility which isn't ideal with a small child. (You could of course go onto HRT)

You will be mid sixties before they become an adult. Moody messy teens when you are at the point of retirement and want your life to yourself again.

But your daughter could have a sibling. You could have a second child. There is no doubt that having DC late in life keeps you young. We were older parents but know a lot about music and comedy and political issues which might otherwise have passed us by.

Go for it.

I had my third at 45. My other children were 3 and 2 at the time. Life is busy as I don’t have any family help but I’m ok with that.

How do you feel about having another at 45?

On MN there will be two camps, those who say go for it and those who say you must be mad to. Only you can decide.

And for good measure this thread isn't really for AIBU. It would be better in fertility, pregnancy , parenting.

What is your issue? We get it, you don’t like or see the point in this thread!

I'd for sure do it. Why not.

If you don't - you'll never know - but are you emotionally ready for it not to work - and emotionally ready FOR it to work x GL

Do it. You will spend your life thinking what if if you don't. Maybe a baby will come of it maybe a baby won't come of it but it's the things you DONT do in life you regret

My friend did this at 47 and had her beautiful 2nd DC at 48 ❤️

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Do it Op - live a life with no regrets !

I get where you're coming from, OP - my DD was an IVF baby, a first-and-only-cycle-jackpot. At the time, I was gutted we didn't have any viable embryos to freeze to try for a second, specially because you find out whether anything can be frozen before you find out whether the transfer that just happened actually worked. Now, though, I'm glad. I know, and knew by the time DD was 2, that I didn't want any more. But if we'd had a frozen embryo, I would have felt that we had to try

People should not have children just because they "want" them.
(Although they absolutely shouldn't have children if they don't want them)

They should think (as OP is) about the home situation they are bringing the child into, their own ability to care for them, and the impact on other family members including other children.
And ideally the list of things posted by *AccessThePond" as well.

Would you regret not doing it? There really isn't much more time to decide. I'd go for it. You already have a young child so it's not like there will be that much difference in terms of how your life is structured.

If that's the case (& you can afford the health, time, £ etc) then I'd give it a try.

You put a lot of effort into creating that embryo. You won't try again.
So, why not see what happens?

I wouldn't but, that is me and a decision that i also have made.

This is your decision though and only you know - if you want another child/ If you are healthy/ If you can afford it/ and all the other implications in your life.

Good luck - whatever you decide :)

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

@OhMonDieux Why are you on this thread if it’s clearly annoying you, it’s ok, just move onto something else

Sorry to hear that 😞 I took it a little tongue in cheek like my sister's drive me mad at times but we got in ok most of the time. I don't know your situation but some people are annoying, you never know what you're going to get as a child or sibling or what life will throw at you.

If you'd like another child and you're mentally stable enough to go through the process/possibility of it not being successful then I'd say go for it! Otherwise you might always wonder 'what if?'

I was in your situation at the age of 46. After 10.5 years ttc, we had DD by IVF when I was 42. It was a difficult birth and I was scared of using our frozen embryos in case the same thing happened again and put off making a decision until the deadline was looming, but I also felt that I needed to have closure re the embryos by giving them a chance. We went ahead and it resulted in DS.

The age thing has not really been a problem - I was almost 47 when he was born and am now almost 59) although retirement is now a long way off (if ever! - but I think you do need to consider factors such as your health, your partner's views, and if you are able to take the risk of the new baby having health problems if the transfer works. Your embryo is younger than mine were (ie mine came from eggs taken when I was 41/42) so the chances of problems are a bit lower but still need to be weighed up as part of the decision-making process.

FWIW my DS is my "bonus baby" and I can't imagine life without him.

I would definitely do it. I had my second child at 42 . He’a 18 now and it’s all been great so far

No. I don't think it's fair on the child, and I think it's way too old. They also won't have as much time to get to know you when they're an adult as when they're 20yo, you'll be at least 65, and when they have children of their own you're not likely to be around as long to see them grow and to offer support. It's cruel and selfish, imo.

Also, as you age you're more likely to suffer ill health, which means you could struggle to care for them and they'll feel obliged to become your carer. Yes, that can happen at any age, but it's more likely as you get older, so you're doing it in the full knowledge of that, which is selfish.

But she has asked so either answer the question if you want to or don't. Why do you think you are the arbiter of what can be discussed on MN?

OP, I had my second at almost 43. The pregnancy was slightly harder than my first at 37 but apart from that no age related difference. I do worry a bit though about being in my fifties with fairly young children and how it will feel to be as old as some of the kids' grandmum so at the school gate even though I know that it's not really important. I wish I was younger but that's not how life has planned out.

If you and your dh are fit and healthy I'd go for it if you are very keen on having another one. If you are not don't do this for the sake of giving your older one a sibling. I think for the older one there are as many disadvantages to getting a sibling as there are advantages though individual cases may differ of course.

Anyway, with my second I felt that if I was healthy enough to carry a pregnancy to term then maybe I was healthy and fit enough to be a parent.

No I wouldn’t but happy with one dd. Peri menopausal at 46 and felt awful couldn’t imagine a newborn too.