I’m 45 and due to do this next week

[Lifejustfliesbydoesntit]

Go for an appointment to discuss whether to transfer my final frozen embryo.
After struggling to conceive for 9 years, many losses and ivf rounds, I finally got pregnant at 39 and now have a beautiful 4,5 year old daughter. I just turned 45 and have to decide now whether to use my frozen embryo from when I was 39, if successful I would give birth at 45.
What would you do?

Best of luck OP, if you are dedicated to staying healthy, would like another child and realise it mightn't work then I would say absolutely go for it and the very best of luck

I'm 54 and I don't feel any different energy wise than a decade ago. It's really not that old!!

Go for it girl 💪

I think in your shoes I'd go for it. It'll either work or it won't but at least you will know you tried, then you can hopefully move on one way or antother.

I used our final embryos at 44 and 45 after having my daughter at 40. I felt on balance I would rather try and fail then not use them. Unfortunately we weren’t successful and it was disappointing but the right choice for us to try.

We're selflessly having children to make the world a better place, it's just our gene pool and great parenting skills, doing the world a favour 🌍😂.

Mine are 5 years apart due to fertility issues and it was a concern for me but I would not change it. Older daughter is a second mum to her brother and got so excited over every mile stone he made (and still does). She's read books to him from being tiny, helped with his bath time, picking clothes. Even now at 8 and 3 they're inseparable. She's old enough to understand and make allowances for tantrums and things but young enough to still want to play games and make dens under the stairs. Wouldn't change it.

@Bridgeth29
You only regret the things you don't do. You wouldn't regret a child.

I agree with the first part of that sentence; you are more likely to regret what you DON'T do, in the vast majority of cases yes that is true.

.......I do NOT agree with the second part!!! Having a baby/a child REALLY does not apply here. If you are not really sure about it, having a baby is a terrible idea.

It's not like giving up a job, or leaving a partner, or deciding to go on a balloon flight, or do a bunji jump, or trek across the Andes, or go backpacking across India. You are bringing a LIFE into the world, and a life you will be responsible for EVERY day for around 20 years. (Even more if there are issues with the baby, which there is more likely to be if you're having a baby in your mid 40s.)

Looking after a baby/toddler/infant/school age child for most of my late 40s and all of my 50s, and them still being in school when I am SIXTY is not something I would fancy ta. Our DC left when we were in our mid 40s and have never come back. Left when they went to uni, met their partner(s,) moved in with them, and are now in successful careers. The idea of still having a dependent child with me when I am on the cusp of being a pensioner is horrific frankly. Fuck that!

Also, I would never put a child through being a carer for an infirm elderly person when they should be enjoying their youth/at uni/travelling the word/ nightclubbing/ going on holiday with friends/ dating boys or girls etc... Nor would I want to put them through being motherless under the age of 30. (Which is fairly likely if you don't have them til nearly 50!)

And spare me the 'my granny is 103 and backpacks around entire continents every six months, and runs a marathon a week, and could run rings around women a third of her age' waffle, because THAT kind of person is the exception rather than the rule. For most people their health will start to fall off a cliff at 70-ish. Sometimes younger, like early 60s...

Having a baby in your mid to late 40s or older is wrong for sooooooooo many reasons.

I would absolutely transfer BUT I'm 39 in 3 weeks, I've been trying to conceive for nearly 3 years, and I had my first failed IVF cycle in November.

I've thought about this kind of scenario quite a lot because if I ever do manage to successfully conceive, I'm going to be an older first time mother. But I always imagined that if I had kids, I'd have more than one. So I can see myself trying to give any potential child a sibling up into my mid 40s, provided we have the funds and the headspace for more IVF.

But that's all very easy to say while I'm still childless. I've really no idea just how knackering and demanding parenthood is yet!

Do you have a gut feeling? I just can't imagine not using my one remaining embryo...

@PurpleButterflyWings A little more sensitivity would be nice 👍
Great for you, you had a different set of circumstances in life and were able to have your children younger. We started trying when I was 30…life doesn’t always go to plan. You’ve made your views VERY strongly made about slightly older mums and made me feel pretty down about it tbh, feel free to move on from this thread, thanks.

@adriftabroad I’d be 45, only just turned 45 and transfer would be this month if were to go ahead.
Sorry, I don’t know what you mean by a plan?

@countrypunk Really hoping it’s successful for you 🙏
Yes, leaving it behind is a massive part of it for me too, the guilt 😢
Life is so easy for people who decide to just have a baby and do the deed..it’s all so complicated isn’t it

@PurpleButterflyWings

People also come out with the line 'MANY women had babies in their late 40s and early 50s before contraception.' But we all know it was their daughter's baby in the vast VAST majority of cases.

@BloodAndFire

It always amazes me when people say this with a straight face about their grandmother/aunt/great-aunt/whatever. Do they really not realise?!

EXACTLY! 😂 Surely they can't be that clueless that they believe their great-aunt Lulu had her last baby at 53!!! (When she had a 16-18 year old daughter!) Clearly her daughter's baby, and raised as her own!!!

I know at LEAST half a dozen families like this. Including my dad's work colleague whose wife (in the 1970s) had her 'son' at 52, when her daughter was 19! She really thought people would believe it too! No-one said anything to her face, but everyone knew.

@PurpleButterflyWings Do you criticise older fathers too, or just mothers? My brother had his first baby at 44. Is that also wrong or have you been socially conditioned to accept first time dads in their 40s and beyond?

Of course you can't imagine having children in your 40s - you clearly did it much younger, so doing it again when they've all just flown the nest seems bonkers. But for those of us who didn't have children in our 20s/early 30s, it doesn't seem bonkers at all. We did a lot of child free living when younger. Now we're ready or, for some, only now able to have a family. We're all different. Marvellous, isn't it?

And lots of people approach having a child with trepidation. That's completely natural. It's a huge, life-changing thing, impossible to imagine unless you've done it, so how can you ever be completely sure you want it? Happily for most of us it works out great.

@Lifejustfliesbydoesntit Thank you ♥️ Yes, for lots of us it's extremely complicated. And people who haven't been through the huge highs and crushing lows of IVF just cannot comprehend what it's like.

I understand feeling guilty if you didn't transfer the embryo, but you'd have nothing to feel guilty about. It's all about making the best decision for you and your family.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck and every happiness.

🌻🌷🌸

@countrypunk Yes I DO NOT think men should have babies past early 40s either. I know that is probably not what you wanted to hear. Doesn't suit your agenda.

@PurpleButterflyWings I have no agenda, other than perhaps helping people to understand that later parenthood isn't completely disastrous for child or parent. And that we can't all do it between the ages of 25 and 30, however much some of us might want to.

@PurpleButterflyWings Ok, so you basically want to stay on a thread where I’ve expressed a history of having years of infertility, losses, emergency ectopic and subsequent years of fertility treatments and ivf…and continuously say in a mean way negative things about older mums? Why is that? You’ve made your point that you have an issue with it (regardless of any apparent feeling for their personal circumstances)
Others have given their opinion of feeling it’s too old, that’s fine…yours isn’t just a different opinion, you sound angry and bitter.
It’s a bit weird to be honest, but of course, you have the right to keep saying nasty things if that’s what you want to do.

I think it IS a bad idea to have them later. That is MY OPINION ... FGS, the Op ASKED for peoples opinions. Don't go spitting out dummies and having a go because they are opinions you don't want to hear!

Do it but please please make sure you are tested for NK cells first. Your embryo probably has a good chance as it was made at 39 but if you have elevated NK cells your body will kill it off. It would be a terrible shame as this is your final shot.

Good luck.

@PurpleButterflyWings Think you might be doing a bit of projecting there. Hope you feel better soon.

@countrypunk I agree, there’s a lot of anger there..not kind on this thread though

@Lifejustfliesbydoesntit I don't think I am the one who sounds angry and bitter. I posted my OPINION which you asked for! You ASKED for peoples opinions. Why are you getting so angry and upset because people are saying things you don't want to hear? If you had wanted people to agree with you that it's a GREAT idea to have a baby in your late 40s, you should have said in your opening post.