I’m 45 and due to do this next week

[Lifejustfliesbydoesntit]

Go for an appointment to discuss whether to transfer my final frozen embryo.
After struggling to conceive for 9 years, many losses and ivf rounds, I finally got pregnant at 39 and now have a beautiful 4,5 year old daughter. I just turned 45 and have to decide now whether to use my frozen embryo from when I was 39, if successful I would give birth at 45.
What would you do?

@PurpleButterflyWings Not angry at all, I have no reason to be, haven’t questioned anyone else’s opinions/comments, which all differ and all helpful and constructive in different ways.
Your responses are fairly nasty and angry, there’s really no need, you’ve put your view across, it’s okay, move on, it’s fine.
Have a nice day, try to relax.

The OP is happy to hear all opinions, she just asked you to be a bit less nasty and angry sounding about it. It’s not really an angry debate type thread (or it wasn’t until you showed up), you can give your opinion without trying to make the OP feel like crap.

@scatterolight I will do, thank you 🙏
I remember having all sorts of testing first time around with Dd too.

Go for it if it’s what you want, which it sounds like it is. I’m 42 and pregnant and I’ll be 43 when the little one arrives, all being well.

I think most children would prefer to be born to an 'older' mum than a mum as nasty and insensitive as that horrible poster. Poor kids.

Ignore all the nasty comments OP. Unfortunately often those who have never experienced fertility issues just do not get it. I think if I was in your situation I would transfer the embryo. Good luck , keep your chin up x

I'm about to go for my last, just before turning 40. Embryo from age 37.

I need the closure and there is something about leaving it behind that I didn't want to do. We froze 2 and the first transfer didn't work. Part of me is relieved the first frozen transfer didn't work because I'd still want to go for the last one and we don't need 3 kids!

This means if it works we have two and if it doesn't I think I'm done.

Best of luck with your decision.

My dad was 50 when I was born and died when he was 84, when I was 34.
Amongst my peers everyone bar one still had their dad at the time, but I think that would be very different for any baby born now with so many born later through IVF, and people generally having kids later.

There are pros and cons to having kids late or early, my Dad was incredibly patient and during my teenage rebel years, he had just retired, so was always around just to hang out. I think mature people can connect to younger people in ways you just can't in your 40’s or even 50’s.

My mother was your age OP when she had me, 46, and is still going strong, lives alone, no dementia and in her late 80’s.

Some have posted here that its cruel to expect kids in their 20's to care for elderly parents, but you can't live with what if's, most people aren't needing to be looked after 24 hours at 70 , when your baby will be 25. The average age for someone needing care is around mid 80's , that's long after any baby you have will be in their 20's. We all can get ill early, everything is a gamble, but its unlikely at least any child will need to care for you in their 20's all things being equal.

I think you should use the embryo, the real pain for kids born to older parents is they lose them relatively young and don’t have any grandparents for their own kids. My kids WORSHIP their grandma, but I know in 10 years, when they are still only teenagers she’ll more than likely have passed away. I also feel down sometimes they will never know their grandpa, I think for people like me having siblings is more important than other people who have 'young' parents.

I would look at the big picture, have you very young cousins, nephews and nieces that a child born when you’re 46 can bond with? Having another sibling for your current child will help them. I have brothers and sisters, I was the last one born in my family and the support of them REALLY helped when we lost Dad.

So I'll go against the grain and say not only should you go for it, if it doesn't work do consider adoption, maybe of a child a couple of years younger, or even donor egg / donor embryo, my point is for children of older parents, having a family network is very important.

Good luck x

Our DC left when we were in our mid 40s and have never come back

I don't blame 'em 🙂

@BeaBachinasec 😂

🤣🤣

What would I do?
Well I stopped at one because I knew that over 40 I felt too old and too tired for sleepless nights and toddler tantrums.
(A bit more complicated than that obviously)
So I wouldn't do it.
I'm not you though, if you feel prepared for another child and conversely if you are prepared for the possible heartache it could cause then go for it.

can i ask why you didn't decide to use it sooner ? Is it only because they have given you an end date its made you consider?

She explained in an earlier post, click “see all” on the OP.

I would go for it OP, if you want a second child; go for it. Best of luck

My dad was 50 when I was born and died when he was 84, when I was 34.

My Dad was 26 when I was born and dead of leukaemia by the time I was 25. It’s completely and utterly pointless trying to plan anything on the basis of potential life expectancy. Nobody can predict how long they will live.

I mean, in a sense you're right on an individual level, but it isn't completely random.

If you have a child at 50, the chance of you being in good mental and physical health to, for example, meet your grandchildren is much lower than the chance if you were 30.

I'm sorry about your dad. That's really shitty bad luck.

Did you actually read my post @TerraNostra 🤔

My point wasn't navel gazing predicting how long parents will live. But seeing as my Dad would have been 100 when I was 50, I was telling OP its a positive thing to have more children , siblings for her DD.

Please don't mis-quote me.

Yes, I did read your full post and I copied and pasted, how could I possibly have mis-quoted you?

Please don’t use passive aggressive emojis.

I bet a man wouldn’t be agonising over something like this. Go for it op, it’s not a difference of 10 or 20 years to ‘other mums’ it could be 0 years difference or one or two. Having a baby in early 40s is hardly unusual.

I’d go for it! If you didn’t you’d be left with what ifs.

My post specifically said :

We all can get ill early, everything is a gamble,

So what's the point of your post? Merely re-iterating mine?? I don't get it?

I'm sorry for your loss @TerraNostra but your father died early, under normal circumstances when you hit 40, he would have been in his mid 60's, mine would have been 90, when I turned 40, that's rather a big difference.

Back to the OP, she has one child and I think having siblings as children of older parents is important, its just an opinion, nothing more.

I think

1. It’s an embryo frozen from 39 years old so you’ll have a lot less chance of genetic abnormality
2. The female body is often able to carry till much later than a viable embryo can be made
3. Fitness and stamina are often far more important than age. Lots of people die younger than average due to obesity/smoking etc.

Having a frozen embryo takes out a lot of the risks as you’ve halted time. You’re effectively having a child at exactly the same age you had your daughter. No reason at all I can see not to try it.

Why did you wait so long to decide to have a second child?

If you click ‘see all’ on the OPs post you can find out!

From reading the whole thing you sound like you want to go for it, so go for it. It'll happen or it doesn't but at least you won't be wondering 'what if' forever. I'm a teacher and see A LOT of awful parents- there's much worse you could do as a parent than be old.