I’m 45 and due to do this next week

[Lifejustfliesbydoesntit]

Go for an appointment to discuss whether to transfer my final frozen embryo.
After struggling to conceive for 9 years, many losses and ivf rounds, I finally got pregnant at 39 and now have a beautiful 4,5 year old daughter. I just turned 45 and have to decide now whether to use my frozen embryo from when I was 39, if successful I would give birth at 45.
What would you do?

Why? They might say something she hasn’t thought of. Or she might just want to know what others think. What’s wrong with any of that?

It’s called discussion, on a discussion forum! If the OP gets something out of it and others want to share their experiences then it’s not pointless to her. Clearly it’s pointless to you, so I’m not too sure why you are still here! But enjoy anyway

@theescapeladder a sibling would be much more beneficial to your DS than a few extra months of bfing which he won’t remember, I would go for it if I was you!

I’d go for it and see what happens.

100% agree. Funny, isn't it, how on Mumsnet there seems to be multiple dozens of posters on these type of threads that have had babies in their 40s. (At least two babies.) And they know of at least a dozen people who had two or three babies after the age of 42, even a few at 50+.

And yet in real life, nobody that I know had baby at 49/50 or older. I've known three people in my life, who had a baby after 45 (two at 45 and one at 46 actually... Literally just three people.) The vast majority of people I know have babies at less than 41/42. Most of them whilst in their 30s. (or 20s.)

And I have different circles of friends in different social classes before people come up with that stupid line ' IN MY SOCIAL CIRCLE people have 2 or 3 babies in their 40s,' or 'they don't even have their FIRST baby til their 40s...!'

In real life, in the real world, very, very few people have a baby after the age of 44-45. If you were to believe some people on here, you'd think half the women in the country start having babies at 42-43, and are still having them at 49-52!

People also come out with the line 'MANY women had babies in their late 40s and early 50s before contraception.' But we all know it was their daughter's baby in the vast VAST majority of cases.

I also think it's strange that a thread like this pops up virtually once or twice a week on mumsnet.

@Cuppasoupmonster yes that’s a valid point!

You only regret the things you don't do. You wouldn't regret a child.

That's it true though, is it?

People often regret things they have done.

An awful lot of people (whilst loving the actual child) do regret having one.
Having a child is a huge responsibility and not a decision to make because you think you might regret not doing it.

@OhMonDieux No, the feedback has been great from my post and very helpful, interesting to see similar circumstances etc, thank you everyone 🙏

Good luck whichever decision / outcome life gives you.

Had my third at 36 and he's sucking all the energy out of me.... but he's also adorable!

You said yes, I do want another child

There's your answer OP, it doesn't matter what anyone on MN thinks, you want another child. Wishing you all the luck in the world

I don’t know. I think the people you need to speak to are the 50s and over. How would they feel about having children to bring up? At 40 I have a 12 year old going through massive teenage dramas. I cannot imagine doing that when approaching my 50s or 60s.

Interesting that there's such a strong consensus regarding older parents.

Her qn was v clearly stated at the end. What would you do, in the context of her circumstances.

Would you go for it, would you not go for it?

Less so would you call people silly for wanting to talk through opinions in a "safe" aka anonymous place.

I would! If you want one, you have this chance now. If you don't go for it you may regret it.

I think these are the things I'd consider:

Age gap - mine are 5.5 years apart so I don't consider your 'age gap' as an issue, but maybe you do. I will say that the age difference was more 'difficult' in during some periods of their lives. An 8 year old doesn't want their 3 year old sibling wanting to involve themselves in the 10 year old's play with his mates. And a 16 year old certainly doesn't want an 11 year old tagging along to the movies or whatever. But that age gap difference 'narrows' as they get older and my two are thick as thieves since DS2 got to his early teens.

Relationship - Is your relationship stable? Is your DH an equal co-parent?

Finances - Are you and DH financially stable? Would you be financially able to parent alone if 'something' should happen? Would your financial plans for retirement head off the rails with the added expenses of another child? At 45, if you have to 'divert' some of your income to child costs, you wouldn't have the 'luxury' of years of making up those lost savings or pension contributions the way younger parents do.

Health - How is your general health and energy/stamina? Remember those early years? We often forget how physically taxing a baby, then a toddler can be. And remember that as we get older (especially if we're 'older' to begin with) we do lose some of our 'pep', and often some of our patience.

Longevity/Genetics - OK, I know this one is a real crapshoot and 'life happens', but still worth thinking about. Giving birth at 45, you want to have faith that you'll still be alive and kicking to get this baby grown, educated, and independent. Are your and DH's family 65+ year olds still active and full of energy (and patience)? Is there a history of early onset dementia or Alzheimers?

Retirement - DH and I retired in our mid-50s (I know we were lucky), with our sons grown and independent. We wouldn't have been able to do that if we'd had a 10 year old. But even if someone wants to retire in their early 60s it would be difficult with a child still in education, or if you were paying Uni fees. There's nothing wrong with thinking about the impact of being an older parent on one's own future plans.

I know a lot of what I'm saying is purely practical. And having a baby isn't always based on 'practicalities'. But I think my points are worth thinking about. And personally, I don't think that 'giving a child a sibling' is really a good reason to have a baby, if that's the main reason for doing it. Maybe you'll decide to go ahead, and I wish you all life's blessings. Maybe you'll decide to be happy and focus on the child you have, and in that case I wish you peace and joy with your decision.

Women can have a baby at any age they want to and can still have one but I think they might underestimate how appealing the light at the other end of the tunnel is. Now granted I'm single so it was darker before the dawn but my dc2 is nearly 17 and I'm 52 and I'm so happy that I can finally get back a bit of freedom. For years I've been coming and going at work, yes, I have to be there for him still and I am, but I don't worry about how long my commute is. I'm going away for a few days after his 17th birthday! He'll be with DC1 who'll just have turned 20. I feel like I deserve this and had it coming a long long time!

The thoughts of having a 7 year old, eugh, not appealing.

Same scenario here last year - one frozen embryo left and I would have been 45 too. Have DS 18 months now from a FET too plus countless numbers of treatment rounds/ surgeries prior to this success.

DH and I decided to give it a go and see what happened as didn’t want to have any regrets of not doing later down the line. It was a difficult decision to make but ultimately we decided it was now or never.
As it happens, we got to a transfer but the embryo didn’t thaw as well as it should have done and so it didn’t work so that’s it for us and we’re looking to the future in a positive manner.

I think if you may have regrets of not trying then give it a go - you have nothing to lose!

Yes, I would. Your current child isn't too much older than this one will be so you won't be. If you had a huge age gap then I'd have reconsidered my answer.

I have a friend who had her last baby at 45, that wasn’t through IVF just caught out.

Completes the family and pregnancy was a breeze for them (obv not always the case and not always dependent on age)

Biggest question is in 10 years will you regret if you don’t do it? Will you always wonder what if? If so go for it then you can move on with your life either way the outcome.

I would take the opportunity and let fate do it's thing

It's a loaded qn tho. If you ask Angie who's 52 with a 12 yo DGS she's likely to say no because she's been parenting for 32 years and has moved past that. I think it's mental as much as physical.
However I'll be 52 with an 18 yo and two 14 yos. My friends from school and Uni so same age will have kids from 17-12 yo. My sister will have kids from 33-8yo. My friends and I will have different experiences to Angie, different life experiences and expectations and my sister will have a totally different one to us all.

People also come out with the line 'MANY women had babies in their late 40s and early 50s before contraception.' But we all know it was their daughter's baby in the vast VAST majority of cases. Wink

It always amazes me when people say this with a straight face about their grandmother/aunt/great-aunt/whatever. Do they really not realise?!

No. At 45 I was one person, at 52 (a young 52!) I am now feeling older. 2 of my close friends have died at 50/51, recently.

Count your blessings. Menopausal with a young baby or toddler is not fair on the DC IMO.