I’m 45 and due to do this next week

[Lifejustfliesbydoesntit]

Go for an appointment to discuss whether to transfer my final frozen embryo.
After struggling to conceive for 9 years, many losses and ivf rounds, I finally got pregnant at 39 and now have a beautiful 4,5 year old daughter. I just turned 45 and have to decide now whether to use my frozen embryo from when I was 39, if successful I would give birth at 45.
What would you do?

I think if you’ve got one embryo left and you’re in the thick of raising a young child anyway, you’ve got nothing to lose by giving it a try!

It’s irrelevant what other people would do. They’re not you.

Fast forward to 55. Would you regret not trying one last time?

@TerraNostra It’s a 5 year gap, I have the same with my brother and sister on either side (one 5 years older, one 5 years younger) it’s not ideal for closeness tbf, but not huge I don’t think 🤔

Sounds like you'll regret it if you don't try. Best wishes!

In your situation I would do it. For many reasons.

My dd desperately wanted a sibling when she was little. She’s 14 and has worked out the financial benefit of being an only. I ensured she socialised as much as possible from very small.

It is your body, your choice. I wasn’t well enough to use my remaining embryos and pregnancy was very hard on me. I would love to have had more and if I had been well enough, I definitely would have tried for another.

Hard decision but it’s only your age and related factors that’s the issue, not so much the embryo as you were younger and age gap is fine.

I say go for it with view it may not work

As long as outcome would make you happy if it did work of course

To those asking why I didn’t do sooner (I do wish I had just pushed through now and done it)
First, Dd was born, she was my first, it was amazing but very full on 😅the thought of another when she was young, was not even in my mind. Then covid hit, so it wasn’t an option anyway, then I had long covid for a long time…over a year, it’s really only been since the beginning of this year and feeling back to normal and great again, plus Dd starting school, that I’ve finally had a proper chance to think ‘Right, it’s now or never’
If covid hadn’t happened, I would’ve tried when she was 2/2.5, so 42, which would’ve been ideal

You chose not to do this at any point over the last 6 years (when you would have been younger). Why was this and do those reasons still hold true (not expecting you to share your reasons here, just reflect on them)? Feeling it's your last chance, is not a good reason to have a child.

Try it and see what happens. If you don't, you'll always wonder....

If you would like another child and are healthy then go for it, otherwise you will always be wondering what if....
45 is an older parent but that more common now, a child will ( hopefully!) keep you young!
Although I'm 51 and just starting to get aches and pains( knees are shot!) So I think physically it maybe a bit harder but emotionally it's probably easier as you're more mature .
I have friends who had DC that age and they coped fine.
How old is your partner?

@redskydelight Dd is just over 4, so it’s not 6 years
Sorry, I’ve just posted above

This 100%

I had DD at just 41 and DS at 48 (donor eggs, not a minor miracle).

The age gap between them isn't ideal, but i think that is more down to them rubbing each other up the wrong way - friends with similar age gaps between children report lovely relationships, though finding activities to appeal to both ages is definitely hard sometimes.

I suspect if I could have, I would have had them younger, but I haven't felt noticeably tireder than younger friends seem to be. In my case, I am overweight and lack exercise, and think that is my main issue.

That said, no two children are the same and DS is much more of a challenge and higher energy than DD was, so bear in mind, you may have a child you don't expect!

Even so, I wouldn't change them for the world.

@Runnerduck34 He’s 44, 45 this year

At 45, I wouldn't.

The newborn bit is tough enough, but teenagers? Who wants that shit when you're in your 60s....

I'd take what I'd got and feel very blessed for it.

@CaptainMum What reasons?

My brother is 7 yrs older than me and while we have had phases of life when we were fairly distant, we are very close now (I am similar age to you). Our shared history and close sibling relationship, while we navigate our new landscape of having elderly parents in poor health, is very precious and of great significance to me on both a practical and emotional level. His support and understanding is invaluable to me; no one else could share this with me in quite the same way.

While it may not always work out that way (of course siblings can fall out terribly or never get along in the first place sometimes), as one of two and having two children myself, my experience is that on balance, a sibling is one of life’s great gifts. I feel that if you are healthy and wish to try, then you should try for this second child. If the process fails, you may yet find you are at peace with the outcome precisely because you did try.

All that said, my DH is an only child and was and is very happy to be so and would not have wished for a sibling! He has no sense of having missed out on anything then or now.

I just thought I would offer one perspective. Best of luck with whatever you choose to do.

Do it, you’ll regret it if you don’t. (My personal feelings).

I had twins with my first embryo, second one didn’t take. Utterly blessed and happy with life, never considered not using the second embryo though.

good luck 💐

You have a little girl just now so another baby would fit in with that stage in your life, it's not as though your other child is a grown up. At 45 with a frozen embryo from when you were 39 is, in my opinion fine. In your shoes i would go for it.

🙂 True!

And those who witter on about coping with a teen in your 50s - I've bloody loved it!

My kid with winky genes was conceived when I was 33, so not "old". The twins I had at 38? Chromosomally normal. This "if you're old your child is LIKELY to be AD" isn't accurate. Your risk is increased by being 39 yes, but it isn't the shatteringly high % people like to claim.

My friends Chromosomanally wonky kid was the one she conceived at 26ish, healthy child early 30s. The one she had late 30s has complex medical needs due to her birth and the hospital. Not maternal age. It's all a bloody lottery.

In your shoes, I couldn't live a lifetime of what if. I'd try. If you wouldn't want a disabled child, there are tests and options. If it doesn't happen, it wasn't meant to be. If it does, we'll you'll only be a, few months older than my sister who's due to give birth in the next month or so. Baby is fine, she's having the same issues she had with her first pregnancy 24 years ago.

If your DD is 4.5 and you’re not pregnant yet it can’t be less than a 5 year 3 month gap, and I was rounding up more towards 6 years as you said you hadn’t even been for the appointment to discuss yet. I’m not sure that there is much practical difference between 5 years and 6 years though; why do you feel it’s important to clarify, does it feel like a big difference to you?

I’ve recently had a similar decision to make, although a couple of years behind as I’m 43 and DD is 3. We have one frozen embryo and, after a bit of soul searching, decided not to go ahead after coming to the conclusion that, pretty much, the main reason we’d be doing it is to give DD a sibling because that’s what some parts of society expects us to do. And personally, I don’t really think that’s a good enough, single reason to have a child - to provide the existing one with a potential playmate. Neither of us feel like our family isn’t complete, or have an urge to have multiple children so that was that really.

4.5 with my single and my twins, now 7 and 4. They have their moments 😂😂🙀 but who doesn't. But the love each other. They play together. They steal each others toys (both ways I might add!!). One day when they're 17 and 21 and they need an adult to get into a club, or they're 23 and 27 and he needs groomsmen at his wedding, or they're 45 and 49 and you can't even tell the age gap, what will it matter?

Id do it, there’s clearly a good chance it won’t work out, but then atleast you’d no. Simply disposing of it would probably leave you wondering forever. You say 42 would have been ideal, is there really that much if a difference?

If you can emotionally handle the upset if it doesn’t work out, I’d give it a shot.

How do you expect anyone to make such a decision for you?

It's between you and your partner (if you have one.)