I’m 45 and due to do this next week

[Lifejustfliesbydoesntit]

Go for an appointment to discuss whether to transfer my final frozen embryo.
After struggling to conceive for 9 years, many losses and ivf rounds, I finally got pregnant at 39 and now have a beautiful 4,5 year old daughter. I just turned 45 and have to decide now whether to use my frozen embryo from when I was 39, if successful I would give birth at 45.
What would you do?

I'd go for it, Good luck whatever you decide

Yeah, I’d probably do this too.

Such a tricky decision OP, I really feel for you. I had my last (the 4th) at 39 and I definitely didn’t have the energy I had with my eldest. I’m now 47 and find my sister’s toddler absolutely exhausting!

However if you decide to go ahead, I have a couple of friends who have kids with a 4-5 year age gap, and they are happy well adjusted children.

You do also need to consider the increased risk of the child having medical problems at that age. Could you cope with a child with Additional Support Needs as you get older?

I'm 45 and don't have the energy for a baby, however I'm pretty sure that's because I'm knackered from raising my existing DC who are tricky almost-adults.

In your shoes I would definitely go for it, good luck x

I've just turned 40 and I can't think of anything I'd want less than pregnancy and then the sleepless nights of a newborn. But I have three kids of my own who are almost 14 and 11, so that's easy for me to say.

Under your circumstances, I think I'd probably give it another go. Otherwise I'd always wonder.

Good luck whatever you decide.

I’d do it if you wanted too and wouldn’t use age as the deciding factor. My DH’s mum was 44 when she had him and is the most wonderful mother and grandmother.

I wouldn't as personally I wouldn't want to be supporting a child at university when I was 65, 66, 67. Selfishly, its not part of my plan - financially or physically. But ultimately, its whether you feel you want to or not.

OP, I had DS at 45. I cope fine (he's now 14) but I only have one child, and I work hard to stay fit and strong enough. I split from ds' dad when DS was 3 so I do everything and it works but I'm not sure I could cope with two by myself.

Do you have a partner to share the load?

@helpfulperson But if the embryo is frozen from age 39, would there really be a massive chance of that, especially since Dd is okay. It’s only *Me that’s older (sadly)

Hi @Lifejustfliesbydoesntit go for it!! I'm 41 yrs old and have a 3 month old, i would love to have another baby and would defo take up the opportunity x
All the best xx

The risk of genetic medical problems are associated with the egg, not the mother's current age. The embryo was created from an egg from the op when she was 39, so the risks are the same as they were for her now four year old.

The op's own age could increase the risk to her, and the risk of miscarriage, but not the risk of her child having chromosome abnormalities.

@MintJulia Yes, I’m married

Can I ask why you have waited 6 years? Have you had other frozen transfers in between which have failed?
Also, do you have a partner? If yes, what does he think?

My DS was born via IVF when I was just turned 43. I’m 49 now, he’s 6 and I don’t feel massively like an old woman. But perhaps those 2 years between 43 and 45 are quite significant- I must admit that it might have been psychologically a bit weird to have had a child only starting Reception as I turned 50, whereas you can sort of fudge being “in your forties”.

We did not have any embryos to freeze. I am fairly sure that I would have given it a whirl at 45 if I had had one, but (like you) I had no interest in donor eggs and I might also have been secretly relived if it had not worked. I am now very content with DS as an only and the way that our lives are shaping up-it’s the perfect balance for us. But that’s easy for me to say when I had no option really.

A friend of mine used a frozen embryo and very sadly her daughter was born with a genetic disorder that will require lifelong care. (Nothing to do with her being IVF or frozen, and not detectable in advance, just one of those things). But it’s a stark reminder to me that every new child is a roll of the dice and sometimes sticking with what you have is not such a bad idea. Same goes for the risks to you of another pregnancy.

You need to weigh up the pros and cons of a 2 child family unit (forget about the age factor, you are already in your forties with a young child, this would not change things that massively). Weigh up the pros and cons and balance those against the risk and unknown factors. Good luck deciding, I think it would be hard to not try, but you might be relieved if it fails.

Same age as you and personally I wouldn't want a baby next year, but it's your body / family / finances at play not mine!

If you are both fit and healthy and your husband supports your decision, then go for it.

As you say, it may not work, but you want another child, you have one shot, why waste that chance?

If it helps, DD is now just about to turn 9 and is a happy, sociable only child. I feel a bit of pressure to entertain her when she says she’s bored, because she has no one else to play with, but absolutely no regrets here

I don’t think your age is so great as to be a factor. I think late babies can keep you young. Our adopted teenager gave us a new lease of life, in a way, we’ll probably never get to go on a cruise tho. You want to try and are realistic about the outcome, as long as your Dh is onside, give it a go.

Apologies, you answered my question about your partner while I was composing my long post.

At least some of that risk (chromosomal abnormalities) is related to age when the embryo was created, rather than to the age of the mother during pregnancy, isn't it?

I would- as the thought of destroying the embryo would crush me.

In your shoes, I would. I have a 6yr gap between my two and was over 40 when ds2 was born. I am 44 now and I would do it this age if I wanted another (i do NOT). My friend was in your shoes at 43 a couple of years ago. She decided she couldn't live with the what if's and decided to go for it. Sadly it failed. She is happy she tried, and at peace with everything. She says she probably wouldn't have had closure had she not gone for it. I have another friend who is going through ivf now at 42. And yet another who had her first and only ivf baby at 44. Where I leave it is not that unusual. Plenty of parents in their 50s at the school gates etc. If you want another child, has your health in tact then go for it. None of us know what is around the corner, whether you are 31 or 45.

If you and DH both want a baby and are both reasonably fit and healthy I would go for it. Good luck!

I had my one and only child at 45. He's now 13. I'll be 60 this year. I'd say go for it for sure.

On the sibling side of things, bear in mind that 6 years is quite a big age gap. My Mum had that with her brother (he was born before the war, she after it) and they never really gelled. A 6 year-old may feel threatened by a baby and it will be hard to do things that are enjoyable for them both until quite a long way down the line.

I’m 5 years older than my brother and we had zero in common until we were both in our twenties. It’s good to have him around now though, as both our parents are dead.

If it helps, DD is now just about to turn 9 and is a happy, sociable only child. I feel a bit of pressure to entertain her when she says she’s bored, because she has no one else to play with, but absolutely no regrets here

The op is looking at a ~5year age difference - a 14 yo might not want to entertain a 9 yo much.
I've got an only and I would never have had another mainly to provide a sibling.