I’m 45 and due to do this next week

[Lifejustfliesbydoesntit]

Go for an appointment to discuss whether to transfer my final frozen embryo.
After struggling to conceive for 9 years, many losses and ivf rounds, I finally got pregnant at 39 and now have a beautiful 4,5 year old daughter. I just turned 45 and have to decide now whether to use my frozen embryo from when I was 39, if successful I would give birth at 45.
What would you do?

The thing is there are different levels of 45. I can never relate to women complaining about tiredness or general aches and pains, peri menopause etc....at 45 all this is so alien to me. I had my children in my early 30's because that's how things worked out for me. However I have several family members from my grandmother to cousins who had babies in their 40's and they have all been healthy much wanted babies. Then again all my grandparents lived into their 90's and that grandmother is still alive, and living alone at 100. Long way of saying if I wanted another child at 45 I'd do it, will keep you young longer imo

I have done IVF but sadly do not have any remaining embryos. I would give it a go. You are paying for storage and would always wonder. Best to do it now before you get older if it doesn't work you can close the book and look at other options.

I always laugh on these threads at the people who come on to say “I had 3 kids in my twenties, no way could I cope with a baby at 45”. You’re knackered because you’ve spent the last 15 years raising 3 kids, but because you are 45!

Sometimes I think there’s never really a perfect time. The more time you spend deciding whether to do it, the more time goes on. I think if you want another child, then go for it… you’d probably regret not doing it.

I am in my 30s but a mum I often chat to at the school gates is in her early 50s with a 6 year old. She is open about her situation - she met her husband later in life and ideally they would have met sooner and had their child much earlier. But that’s not how life worked out for them so her child was born when she was 45, after experiencing infertility. She seems happy and honestly I don’t regard her as any older than any of the other mums who are 10 or 15 years younger. She’s active and seems to have more energy than me!

I can’t say I’d want a new baby at 45 because my eldest will be nearly an adult then but if I were childless or already in the thick of child-rearing then my view might be different. The one thing I’d note, and this is a very personal thing, is that I lost my dad in his early 60s. The thought of me dying then too and leaving a teenager behind is very distressing to me. Hard enough dealing with that loss in my 30s, let alone as a child. But I appreciate the chances are that most of us will live beyond then and you can’t always be plagued by constant what ifs.

I would probably give it a whirl because presumably this was always on the cards else you would have donated or destroyed the embryo soon after having your first baby. Is there a reason you’ve not used it before now though?

I think it depends how you feel about raising a child and if you have a partner what they think.

For example:

• how much do you want one (and your partner if you have one) and do you feel it's worth the disruption to your life, and stress that ivf can cause? You know what it was like last time. How hard or easy was it? How do you feel about going through it again?
• do you feel like you have the energy. By this I'm not asking how healthy you are or if you can run a marathon but do you feel ok with the sleepless nights etc..
• do you feel financially able to raise a child. This isn't a question of how much money you have but whether you feel you have what you need.

Personally if I could afford it, my partner agreed, and I felt like yes I can handle a baby now, then I would go ahead, I believe it's worth taking a risk to achieve your dreams ❤️🙂

If it helps, I'm the oldest of several and I really wish my parents had stopped after me 😁

In your situation I would definitely go for it. You will always wonder “what if” if you don’t.

I agree! I had my last at 44 and in the early years saw no difference between me and those 10 years younger 🤷‍♀️. I'm over 50 now but still can't relate to the things you mention (and part of me can't wait to stop getting regular periods).

Entirely up to you! If you want another child, you are younger than many who become parents these days.

im 44 and couldn’t imagine looking after a baby or toddler now. But then I’ve already done 15 years of parenting with my two (going from start pregnancy time with first) so I’m probably knackered out from that, whereas you’re on 4.5 years in!

I would say, yes do it.

I had my baby at 44. It was a surprise. I wouldn’t have had fertility treatment at that age.

But you have your embryo, so it’s worth a shot, I think.

Yes but several isn't the same as two though. Plus I bet having those siblings even if they drove you mad, brought other benefits like it meant you could get on well with different personalities. My dad is an only child and always said he wanted a sibling. So everyone is different I think.

I’m not sure I could get rid of the final embryo without even giving it a try. I think I’d always ponder the ‘what ifs’. Don’t let age dictate your decision. You already have a young child and as long as you feel fit and healthy then go for it. I was 42 when I had my second child. I am 59 now and still have a lot more energy than some of my younger friends. I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide.

In 25 years time, you'll be in your 50s (or early 60s) and she'll be in her 70s or early 80s.

I think the difference then will be very very evident. Not least for your children. I'm dealing with ageing parents now but I'm middle aged myself

I would have hated to have to deal with those issues in my 20s, when I was living far away and living my own life.

I feel as though people are misinterpreting what I said here! In our experience, being an only child isn’t a bad thing, DD is happy.

I’m also the oldest of several, and while I don’t wish my parents had stopped after me, I’m not particularly close to my siblings as an adult.

I think my eldest wishes I’d stopped at one dc too! Although desperate for a sibling at the time. Who knows what she’ll say as an adult though.

Sorry, I did understand your point and I was adding to it, rather than contradicting it, but I phrased it badly.

I agree it's fine to have an only child. I am far from the only person i know whose siblings have caused them immense grief and stress.

I don’t remember saying anywhere that a 14 year old would want to entertain a 9 year old! I was just commenting on my own experience, having been in almost exactly OP’s shoes a few years ago.

Personally I think 45 is too old. I was in good health at that age. Fast forward a few years and there's no way I could do justice to bringing up a small child. At 45 I could not have envisaged the effects of menopause and arthritis.
Enjoy the child you've got.

I had mixed feelings about my younger siblings when we were little (all close in age) but sadly, the more time has passed, the worse all of the relationships have become (we are all late 30s- early 40s now).

i had my last at almost 45 - definitely not too old!

I would really think twice about having a fifteen year old when I was sixty.

Yes, everyone is different. But, without wanting to derail the thread, my siblings really have made my life significantly worse, not better.

That’s a fair point you make. My mother is in her mid-60s now. Widowed. Needs more TLC now than she did a few years back. She’s still active and well but things aren’t straightforward. I’ve barely got the emotional bandwidth now. If she had me 15 years later than she did (so at 45) then I’d be 19 now rather than 34, and I can’t imagine how complex it would be to be, say, a student dealing with supporting a bereaved parent the way I am.

If you want another child and you are prepared (sounds like you are) to accept things if it doesn’t work go for it. At least you know you have tried. How does your partner feel are they supportive and in agreement?

Would I have wanted a baby at 45? No way, however my circumstances were very different aged 45. I have my two children very close together, 21 mths gap, I didn’t want a big gap between them. I would be considering the pregnancy, sleepless nights & having to do the school run etc. nappies, weaning & all that again. Only you know whether you are up for that possibility.

Good luck and wishing you all the best