First Christmas with new baby, husband didn't get me a card/present/anything from baby

[Spottingtwerps]

We have an 11mo. We are older parents, she will be my only baby and I have had a m/c previously so this is a v precious baby.

I bought my husband a "daddy" card and present from the baby. Baby signed his card with a handprint that I did which took bloody ages as a keepsake. He got me nothing.

He gave baby a card, just from him. The card I gave her was from both of us. He said that his card was for her memory box.

So everyone gets keepsakes except me.

AIBU to be upset that husband got me nothing from the baby or even signed her name in his card or even thought about me??

It isn't weird to send cards from a baby who is too young to know what you are doing - but is also not usual or expected everywhere.

I wonder if you are feeling that your DH sees/thinks of you differently now that you are a Mum? Did he do more for you before the baby?

Are you seeing him failing to make something for you ('from your baby') as him not thinking so much or even caring so much about you?

I think you badly phrased your previous comments. Starting out ‘Because this baby is precious’ was never going to win fans. It does sound like you are saying my baby is more precious than others. Congratulations on your baby, I completely understand you thought it would never happen. However you are totally focused on the wrong thing here. You have spent your baby’s first Christmas ruminating on this rather than just enjoying your baby. I personally put cards from babies up there with cards from cats and dogs, utterly ludicrous. You need to focus on the here and now not milestones, keepsakes and memory boxes. And please please try to keep things in perspective- you are putting a lot of pressure on a tiny baby’s shoulders.

I have never sent cards to my DH either from me or from my now adult DC. Just something we would never do. Perhaps his family are the same although a little odd for him to give a card to your baby.

A lot of people are saying YABU @Spottingtwerps but I have to say I am on your side. Ignore the naysayers saying it's WEIRD to get a gift 'from the baby' for your partner. LMFAO, is it fuck?! Literally everyone I know does it/has done it in the past when their kids were too young and small to do it themselves!!!

Thing is, men don't THINK like women do. I was always the one arranging banners and balloons and happy birthday signs and streamers everywhere for DH's birthday, and I got a cake for him (sometimes made one,) but he never did ANYthing for me.

Yeah, I got a card and a few gifts, and I am not really complaining, as I didn't HAVE to do anything for him, but still, I DID, and I never even got a single fucking 'happy birthday' streamer on the wall... I even had to buy my own birthday cake. When DD left home (some 7-8 years ago,) I stopped doing it. I used to do it for her as well, but she's my DAUGHTER, so obviously I am happy to do it without HER doing it back, but DH could have. Never did. He is just lazy and a bit thoughtless, like a lot of men.

I mean, there are far worse men than mine, and at least he gets me something, but it's really just a few 'bits' like flowers, chocolates, wine, and a card. Only if it's a special birthday does he make a lot of effort. So every ten years LOL! He says 'I don't have time to go out much to get anything' - he works 24-28 hours a week. Sits and watches about 6-7 hours of TV a day, and spends several hours a day (some days) on his computer or phone though! Finds time for that!!!!!!! (Also, I work 21-ish hours a week, and I manage to do fucking everything!)

Many men are raised to do fuckall to help in the house and are sadly shown by their fathers that they don't have to do anything really. They don't even buy their own FAMILY Christmas gifts - it's often the wife who does it!!! Girls are raised to be nice and kind and thoughtful, and that is why YOU did it for him and he never did it for you.

Only thing I can suggest is stop doing it. WAIT and see if he gets you something 'from the baby' for Mother's Day. If not, don't you DARE get anything 'from the baby' for Fathers Day for HIM. Or his birthday!!!

I think my DH did used to get something for me from DD, but he didn't for the first Christmas either, and my mom had a go at him LOL. He always got something after that.

What on earth???? OP you are being very strange.

YABU. It’s like sending someone a card or present “from the cat”. Everyone knows the cat can’t buy presents or sign cards, and I’m afraid it’s the same with your baby.

YABU

I'm sorry Op, this is the part that stands out and makes people doubt your judgement.
You did imply that your baby is more loved and wanted than other babies, but I understand in that it's your way of saying how special to you your child is. As long as you actually understand that in reality you don't love her more than other people love their own.

This is daft.

And you win the award for the most unhelpful and sarcastic response, so far. Well done. I hope you feel good about that. You could just scroll past but no, that contribution was really necessary.

I understand what you are saying it is your first Christmas with your child and that matters to you. I told my husband point blank that I can't wait for my Christmas gift from the baby as he wouldn't of thought to do it himself. I had a mug with mummy written on it and a bauble saying baby's first Christmas and I was thrilled. It is about embracing the little things and making things special

The defensiveness in your replies suggests you're more than 'simply wondering' about this.

I don't think it's weird - it's actually rather sweet - but it's defintely not standard, so to be upset with your partner for not writing a card/getting you a gift from baby is unrealistic and unfair (unless of course you communicated your expectations beforehand).

To avoid this happening again you and DP need to agree which occasions you would expect a card/gift from DC.

FWIW... the fact that card shops sell mum/dad cards at Christmas is a silly reason to assume that you should receive a card from your baby, who presumably at 11mo is illiterate and hasn't the foggiest idea what Christmas is. I wouldn't lead with this.

This is nothing to do with the child herself, it's the father, obviously.

I know, amazing isnt it?. I was literally sitting and having a period of self reflection and thought I wonder if I was unreasonable about that. I know, I'll just ask a random group of people. Wow. Wish I'd never bothered. The judgment is immense.

That's lovely.

@Spottingtwerps Just ignore the naysayers and critics! YANBU. You are entitled to feel like you do. And only in the parallel universe of mumsnet do the vast majority of people not have their partner getting a gift from their child for them. Ignore them. In the REAL WORLD, of COURSE people get gifts from the child to the wife or husband. Some people talk such rot on here, they really do!!!

Much more important to have a lovely memory of your baby’s first Christmas, OP, than a memory ruined by being upset over something that’s really not that deep.
If you want a keepsake, get a photo of you and your baby at Christmas and put it in your memory box.

We've always done cards and presents from us to DS and from DS to each of us. Even when he was a baby.

I echo those that have says it's worth having a chat with him about expectations otherwise you'll end up not getting anything for Mother's Day until the child can earn his own money 'because you're not his mum'!

Why don’t you talk to each other about this stuff in advance? Neither of you are mind readers. This kind of thing is fun to plan together.

Yes thank you. As I have said elsewhere, during a period of self reflection I just wondered about it and whether I was unreasonable. I was just curious so thought I'd ask a random group of people for an objective answer. Instead, i have been judged and ridiculous by people who know next to nothing about me.

A simple yes or no was really all I wanting as I contemplate the things that have happened recently. I'm not sure what you post is trying to say, well it doesn't say anything. It quotes me.

Well it is now, but you will need to watch yourself as the child grows up. You seem to have perhaps understandably huge expectations of parenthood and experiences with your child. You are snarling at every person on here who even mildly disagrees with you. What you going to do when a toddler isn’t interested in a memory making activity or a ten year old doesn’t get you a Mother’s Day card - mope and mull over it like here?

Oh @Spottingtwerps - Im sorry you’re getting such a hard time, but yes I would agree that this is not something to get worked up about. There are Mum, Dad, Bro, Sis cards in the shops which are usually bought by older children, adults etc. Whilst I totally understand your baby is your one & only pfb I think you need to stop worrying about everything being perfect…..not receiving a card from your baby should not be a big deal💐

OP you have had a hard time on here. I totally get it. My mum sends my kids cards for everything as she lives a long way away from us so it’s her way of staying connected with them and acknowledging what is going on in their lives. My dh thinks it’s funny because he isn’t used to it, but the kids love it. I don’t think it’s weird to give birthday cards to kids even when they can’t read it, they love opening them and I choose pictures that they’d like, like you.

Christmas cards we haven’t done for ages and I’ve only just realised this but I did used to pick special Christmas cards for my kids too -and my dh did get me gifts and got the kids to scribble in the cards when they were little, so I don’t think anything you’ve said is weird. Your dh maybe just didn’t think of it for Christmas, maybe because it’s usually more focused on kids but I think because he did it before for your birthday he most likely will again, especially because you did it for him.

What was his reaction when he opened his? Did he acknowledge that he hadn’t done the same for you? Just have an honest conversation with him about how it made you feel because these are all once in a lifetime things.

Nope, no way. The whole thing is over the top. You are making something out of nothing and in the process ruining your experience of what you have so longed for, your child. You have your most precious baby, don't fuck up your relationship with all this bullshit.

YANBU. I would also have been upset if DH hadn’t got me a card from baby.

You get these types of responses on Mumsnet because it’s generally a place where people half arse parenting and can’t be bothered to put in the extra effort, but feel guilty about it so judge anyone who does.

But @VioletaDelValle she’s not his mum is she?
and I’m not Dh’s mum either and when the dc were tiny babies he bought me a voucher to a massage, from him, to say thanks for being a nice mum to our kids and you deserve a break. When they were a bit older and could choose things themselves he took them to the shops and let them pick, I ended up with some weird shit over the years that I loved purely because it was chosen by them, that has the real meaning and sentiment for me.
he didn’t sign stuff when they were tiny as “from the babies” though, cos they didn’t choose it and they sure as hell couldn’t hold a pen by that stage.
I find the “love from baby Jonny” idea weird when you know it’s not from baby Jonny, it’s from their dad. Just say, “love from dh” or whatever.