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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First Christmas with new baby, husband didn't get me a card/present/anything from baby

300 replies

Spottingtwerps · 11/01/2023 08:38

We have an 11mo. We are older parents, she will be my only baby and I have had a m/c previously so this is a v precious baby.

I bought my husband a "daddy" card and present from the baby. Baby signed his card with a handprint that I did which took bloody ages as a keepsake. He got me nothing.

He gave baby a card, just from him. The card I gave her was from both of us. He said that his card was for her memory box.

So everyone gets keepsakes except me.

AIBU to be upset that husband got me nothing from the baby or even signed her name in his card or even thought about me??

OP posts:
cptartapp · 11/01/2023 10:53

I suspect there's going to be a lot of pressure on this child as she grows up.
The cards thing is ridiculous.

Tiredmamaaa · 11/01/2023 10:54

There are a lot of people on here saying it is weird and not necessary and are just being quite mean and heartless.

I completely understand why you would be hurt. It’s the thought and it’s a nice keepsake for you. Little handprints and card with scribbles on them are very cute and something lovely to look back on. It’s not weird at all, it’s lovely and I’m sorry your husband didn’t make an effort at Christmas. Let him know you were disappointed as it’s small gestures like this that mean the most and hopefully he will be more conscious of putting in some thought in future x

Original poster
Spottingtwerps · 11/01/2023 10:54

I did. I was simply wondering about this issue so thought I would canvass opinion. Nothing more, nothing less, nothing weird. I didn't expect a character assignation over a simple question which appears to have happened. I was curious, so asked a question. Now apparently I'm weird, hard work, over sentimental, my thread is a joke/wind up, probably have a birth video in a memory box, I disrespect anyone else's babies and think mine is the Messiah. I mean, wow!!! One question during a period of self reflection and you're a lunatic. So many judgmental, unhelpful people. Thanks mumsnet, you're brill.

OP posts:
Tohaveandtohold · 11/01/2023 10:55

I think this is a time to be rational. Like as you can see on this thread, this is something that majority of people don’t do so that may be your DH’s reasoning as well, not something to fall out about or even start a thread about. I’ve never received a card from a baby but when my children started getting older and going to nursery, they make cards for them to give to us which was lovely and when they’re older and know about cards, they started asking to buy cards for me or their dad based on the occasion. So like don’t sweat it, my children are also precious by the way

TheChosenTwo · 11/01/2023 10:55

Bleurgh, my babies were precious to me too. More precious than yours? From my perspective, definitely more precious than your baby.
can we just agree that the highlighting of how precious your baby is (and many of us have suffered loss before giving birth to a live baby too but we don’t bleat on about how precious that are to prove a point that our dhs should recognise that the kid is the second coming) was a stupid thing to include?

ThatshallotBaby · 11/01/2023 10:56

I think you are hurt and upset. But be careful about saying how precious your baby is. Of course she is to you, because she must seem like a miracle. But all my babies were so so precious to me. Not to anybody else though, and not more or less precious than yours.
I think you are overreacting a little with your dh, but maybe there are other issues.
Counselling might be something to think about.

thewayround · 11/01/2023 10:56

YukoandHiro · 11/01/2023 10:53

Massive generalisation but: men are useless at anything that involves "emotional labour". You need to set out expectations clearly otherwise they just won't think.

So if a “massive generalisation” why on earth even say it 🙄

Ladybug14 · 11/01/2023 10:58

I think its weird that you didn't chat to your husband about the card and present situation before Christmas

I think its weird that he gave a card and gift to you from baby for your birthday and not for Christmas

I think its weird that you kicked him out just after Christmas but you're now posting about gifts and cards

Do you think you might be a little depressed or anxious?

ozoruk · 11/01/2023 10:59

OP all babies are precious, whether they are given Xmas cards or not. Agree with others weird and wasteful. Families usually get a family card addressed to whole family not to individuals within that family.

Original poster
Spottingtwerps · 11/01/2023 11:02

Nowhere, absolutely nowhere does any post I've made say my baby is "more" precious than anyone else's. Nowhere. That is being read into and not what is written. I didn't ask for comment on how precious my baby or yours is, it's not a competition.

I was actually thinking more of how I feel about finally being a mother, what our baby means to me And my husband knows that we've had a journey no one else understands.

Why people take offence at something that isn't written or even about them I don't know. There was no reference to anyone else's baby!

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 11/01/2023 11:03

Card shops, and other ones for that matter are full of all sorts of crap. Doesn't mean anyone has to buy it.

And as for your baby 'having fun' opening cards, she will have exactly the same amount of fun if you give her the gas bill, or some junk mail to open. She has no awareness of what any of it means.

Believ · 11/01/2023 11:03

Spottingtwerps · 11/01/2023 10:38

Because this baby is precious, as I said, very wanted and it's a big deal that I managed to conceive. There won't be anymore and it's a miracle there's even one. I am approaching 50.

Every baby is precious regardless of how they got here

Puffalicious · 11/01/2023 11:05

OP you seem to be going through a lot. Be gentle on yourself and your DH. Do you think you may be anxious or have some PND. I say this kindly: I had DS3 at just turned 40 and I definitely think being older contributed to my PNA (post natal anxiety). My GP said it was classic- onset at around a year after birth. I had never experienced anything like it with my older children.

Almost 50 is hard, hard going with a very young baby. I'm your age and couldn't image doing it all over again. I really, really felt the difference being 40 compared to 32.

Just think about it, and if you may need a little help.

ButterflyOil · 11/01/2023 11:05

It does seem a little odd to me to get baby separate cards or most sign your own name, that would be what I expect from coparent who aren’t together.

Did he buy you a present? Did you discuss getting each other a card from the baby?

Highfivemum · 11/01/2023 11:05

At Christmas it wouldn’t worry me. If he didn’t do a card for little one on Mother’s Day then I would be miffed. Did you get a mums day one ?

ChnandlerBong · 11/01/2023 11:06

OP I think you need to let this one go? Xmas was ages ago now. Your baby won't remember anything about it at all.

Won't be long and they'll be bringing you home handmade cards from school - those are the ones to treasure not something that your husband mocked up?

You chose to send the cards to him and other relatives and that was your choice. As you can see not many other people on here even thought to do it. Doesn't make you weird but it also doesn't make your dh weird for not thinking about it?

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 11/01/2023 11:07

My cat used to send me a Christmas card, I would have been so upset if she hadn’t . If I d thought she didn’t want to, just because she didn’t have any money, and the card shop was a bit far for her, and there were sometimes dogs in there, choosing cards for their people. And my OH was definitively at fault for not putting her in the cat carrier, and showing her all the cards, and encouraging her to pick one out…..

ImprobablePuffin · 11/01/2023 11:10

ChocoFudge · 11/01/2023 10:11

I told DH that I expected a thoughtful gift 'from the baby' for her first Christmas and for Mother's Day. Not sure if he would have thought about it himself but I would rather make my expectations clear in advance than be upset on the day.

It might not be important to a lot of people but it was important to me, I don't know why some posters are being so scathing about it.

I don't think it's scathing. I just think some people are confused as to why it's important to have a 'thoughtful gift' from a baby who can put zero thought into it. It just doesn't make sense. Is it literally just to have something that says 'To Mummy' on it?

totallyaddictedtocheese · 11/01/2023 11:11

I made a Christmas card from baby to his dad using his habd print and didn't get one in return. I wasn't bothered though because it wasn't something we discussed and he's not a mind reader so how would he know? I did it because I thought it was nice and something we could look back on in years to come.

BadNomad · 11/01/2023 11:11

I do think you are overreacting a little. The fact that he did get you something from the baby for your birthday makes me think he was just focused on his baby this time and wanted to make his first Christmas special.

Calphurnia88 · 11/01/2023 11:12

Highfivemum · 11/01/2023 11:05

At Christmas it wouldn’t worry me. If he didn’t do a card for little one on Mother’s Day then I would be miffed. Did you get a mums day one ?

This.

Me and DP did mother's and father's day cards 'from' DS last year. It didn't occur to me to write Christmas and birthday cards too, I think that can wait until he's old enough to join in and understand the occasion better (right now he is eating his own sock 🤨).

MaverickGooseGoose · 11/01/2023 11:13

OP I had three miscarriages, and DTs and I nearly died in delivery. They
are as precious to me as everyone else's babies are to them.

It would never occur to me to get DH a gift / card from an 11 month old.

As they have grown older they chose a present and make a card (not for Christmas though) but not as babies.

ThanksItHasPockets · 11/01/2023 11:13

Very gently, OP, I think your upset is disproportionate and this can be a red flag for very common and treatable conditions like PND and postnatal anxiety. Please consider talking to someone in RL if you find yourself dwelling on this issue, or if the thoughts feel intrusive.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 11/01/2023 11:14

Hard and work come to mind

ImprobablePuffin · 11/01/2023 11:15

Fedupofdiets · 11/01/2023 10:31

Reading your other post about him being a nob on your birthday I think you have bigger issues than a Christmas card from your baby.

I agree. Pick your battles OP

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