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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First Christmas with new baby, husband didn't get me a card/present/anything from baby

300 replies

Spottingtwerps · 11/01/2023 08:38

We have an 11mo. We are older parents, she will be my only baby and I have had a m/c previously so this is a v precious baby.

I bought my husband a "daddy" card and present from the baby. Baby signed his card with a handprint that I did which took bloody ages as a keepsake. He got me nothing.

He gave baby a card, just from him. The card I gave her was from both of us. He said that his card was for her memory box.

So everyone gets keepsakes except me.

AIBU to be upset that husband got me nothing from the baby or even signed her name in his card or even thought about me??

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 11/01/2023 09:03

Sounds like forced sentimentality. How would “gift from baby” have any meaning when your baby had no part in it?

RustySprings · 11/01/2023 09:05

We are only ever disappointed by our own expectations. Personally, I’ve never heard of pretending to give cards from a baby. But I appreciate if it is a family tradition for you, you will be expecting it. It could be your husband isn’t used to this tradition so had no idea you were expecting a card from the baby. If he didn’t get you a present from himself - that’s another matter.

SorryForTheRant · 11/01/2023 09:07

I don't think this is weird at all - we have a baby the same age and got her a card (from both of us that we both wrote in), and both bought cards from her for each other. We set a budget for gifts (so a budget for gifts for DH from me and the baby combined, and the same for me) but both got something within that budget that was specifically from the baby.

Agree with PPs that the issue here is communication - it's normal to be upset if you feel he's been thoughtless but you need to shrug it off and agree that next year (and for your birthday etc) that you'll have a discussion beforehand. If you communicate that something is important to you and he still doesn't do it then it's an issue, but try not to be too upset by it beforehand!

KilmordenCastle · 11/01/2023 09:07

I don't think that giving cards and presents from a baby is a commonly done thing. So your dh probably didn't think to do it. If you want a card and present from the baby then tell him. Tbh though it's pretty meaningless as the baby couldn't care less. It means more when your dc's reach an age where they want to make cards for you and choose presents because they have thought of something "really special" that they want to get you.

BreviloquentBastard · 11/01/2023 09:07

This is just a case of poor communication. Expectations around Christmas need to be discussed especially with more unusual things like this, as pp have all said.

However, really not a fan of the weird one-upmanship between you and your DH re the cards that you each got for the baby. That's odd. Reminds me of when my friend got a puppy and her and her DP got into it over who was the puppy's favourite. That sort of thing wants nipping in the bud, it's not a competition it's parenthood.

Mummyof287 · 11/01/2023 09:08

Spottingtwerps · 11/01/2023 08:38

We have an 11mo. We are older parents, she will be my only baby and I have had a m/c previously so this is a v precious baby.

I bought my husband a "daddy" card and present from the baby. Baby signed his card with a handprint that I did which took bloody ages as a keepsake. He got me nothing.

He gave baby a card, just from him. The card I gave her was from both of us. He said that his card was for her memory box.

So everyone gets keepsakes except me.

AIBU to be upset that husband got me nothing from the baby or even signed her name in his card or even thought about me??

I don't think your being unreasonable....you'll get told your being 'precious' on here, but it would have bothered me too.Sometimes the little things mean alot and also I think him giving you a present/card 'from the baby' would help you feel appreciated as a mummy.They are part of the family so why would they not be included in the giving of presents, names in cards etc.

Unfortunately though men are not always very good at the whole 'sentimental keepsakes and doing celebrations properly' thing so you might need to be more black and white with him and communicate more in future what the expectations are.

Believ · 11/01/2023 09:10

Just because you decided to do it doesn't mean he will have thought the same. Likewise he might have done something that you didn't think of. It's not a given that someone would do this, some people would think of it and some people it wouldn't enter their heads.

Drfosters · 11/01/2023 09:11

i think this is simply a conversation you need to have where you outline the sort of things you would appreciate. Your husband isn’t a mind reader. I’m very laid back. We don’t really do any birthday / Xmas stuff between the 2 of us but make a big deal for the kids. My husband never did anything for Mother’s Day until the kids were old enough to understand. He even forgot our anniversary one year which has now become a long running joke. my husband and I are super close but neither of us likes the stress of having to get things for particular occasions. We get each other. Doesn’t mean your feelings though are invalid-you have a different expectation but the only way you can get that is to tell your husband. I think it is a bit unfair in this circumstance to blame him. It would never have occurred to me to have gifts from the baby.

Squamata · 11/01/2023 09:11

Every baby is precious. You've had a hard journey to this point but it doesn't mean you need to make everything a lot more sentimental. Really, that attitude won't help your baby or your family in the long run, you'll be risking being overprotective and controlling.

Your baby doesn't know what Christmas is, understand money or writing. You want your husband to do some silly role playing to prove he loves you. You should have told him this, or just gone and got some christmassy keepsake things for yourself.

blitzen · 11/01/2023 09:11

I think this is really sad, OP. I am fortunate to have a DP who sees that this kind of thing is important to me, and vice versa. We send joint cards to DC and then one to each other from dc which is usually covered in scribbles or stickers etc. DC enjoys being part of it. All the cards will go in a memory box. I don't think it's too much to expect if it's something that's important to you xx

ZooMount · 11/01/2023 09:12

He's not a mind reader, just tell him if you want something but you do realise it's not actually from the baby don't you? We don't get each other cards, or cards for the kids at Christmas. It's only now they are older that presents are sort of from the kids too as they try to pick them but they don't get us cards. I really don't see how you can possibly blame your husband for this.

crimsonpeak · 11/01/2023 09:13

Enjoy your baby and the memories you make with them. Nothing else is important!

rayssunshineeverywhere · 11/01/2023 09:15

Is he saying that his card is important enough to go in her memory box, but that he has decided that yours can't go in it? This, and the fact that it occurred to him to get her a card just from him are the things you should be concerned about.

darjeelingrose · 11/01/2023 09:16

This would not have ever even occurred to me as a thing to do. I mean not even vaguely cross my mind.
YABU because I think you would have put in your OP if this is something you had chatted about and he had forgot. YABU too because this is not something that people do, particularly. I don't mean that it's the wrong thing to do, but there isn't a well known Christmas tradition of giving parents cards from their baby. It's not mother or father's day. You can't be pissed off because he hasn't followed a tradition you forgot to tell him you wanted to invent!

Nicecow · 11/01/2023 09:17

Mothers Day yes, Christmas no. YABU

Testina · 11/01/2023 09:18

I speak as someone who had 3 miscarriages before a successful pregnancy - our babies are no more precious than anyone else’s. Worth watching your language with people there.

LuckeyBuoy · 11/01/2023 09:20

OP, in the nicest possible way, you're being unreasonable. I have more than one baby (now adults, in fact) and they are no less precious for there being more than one of them.

The only way your husband can know what you want him to do on this score is if you tell him. It isn't usual to send cards to the baby you live with, and it isn't usual to give your husband a Christmas present from the baby. But if your expectation is that this will happen, then you need to tell him that. It will save these problems arising in the future.

In time, he can help her to make you a Mothers Day card or something for your birthday, but she's obviously too young for that now.

Don't get hung up on "keepsakes". Your baby is more important than a sentimental memory box.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 11/01/2023 09:20

i really don’t mean this to be arsey or horrible but everyone’s baby is precious to them, whether they’re older parents, had a mc , or what. As they grow up you have to stop looking at everything through the lens of them being somehow more special or precious because you will end up being disappointed by things like what happened at Christmas.

ImprobablePuffin · 11/01/2023 09:21

My DC are 10 and 8 and Xmas just gone was the first time DH and I did gifts from the kids as they themselves said they wanted to get us something so they told us what they wanted to get and we ordered it. Isn't is a bit meaningless otherwise because it's not actually from the baby at all.

I get that it was important to you but if you didn't communicate this to DH then how is he supposed to know. It's not an everyday occurrence so not something he should just have known.

MajorCarolDanvers · 11/01/2023 09:21

Honestly I think cards and gifts from a baby are absurd

foremostwilly · 11/01/2023 09:22

this is a v precious baby

As opposed to other, low value babies?

SleeplessInEngland · 11/01/2023 09:22

Is this a wind-up thread?

HoppingPavlova · 11/01/2023 09:23

Nothing here that is not weird. As long as DH got you a present (if that’s your agreement), it’s job done. Why on earth you would give your DH a present/card from a baby that had zero to do with it, or expect this yourself is baffling. If my DH had of done this I would have though it some kind of joke.

Giving your baby a card is also really odd. Your baby lives with you, permanently it seems. Do you and your DH exchange cards as well? Never heard of people in the same household doing this. As for thinking your child will want a card in a memory box ………….. I have adult kids and if I said, let’s get your memory box (they alone would probably be enough yo have them going wtf) and let’s look at the card we gave you when you were 11mo they would likely think I had a few bolts loose. Handy hint, they won’t want to watch their birth video or similar in case you have one you have slipped in as well.

The whole point of receiving gifts from kids is they have made it (a shitty macrame necklace or similar that you exclaim over and wear for a day), or have picked it out themselves (such as a really cheap perfume that smells of dodgy lavender that you pretend to love and hope to god they forget about after a week). Anything else is is plain weird.

Also, the point about an only child being precious is pretty offensive. It’s really not a thing that other kids are lesser because they have siblings, nor is their worth dictated according to whether you had a hard time having them or not.

JenniferLJ · 11/01/2023 09:23

Am I one of the only ones who feels the same?
I know that the baby doesn't physically write or pick the card e.c.t and doesn't know what Christmas is, but it is that you wanted the sentiment from your husband. It is the first time as a family together and special occasions mark this first time as a family where previously it was just the two of you.
Call me soppy but I just think it is a nice way of showing appreciation.

I was clear I wanted a mummy card at birthday and Christmas but he didn't do it and it still does upset me a bit. I did one for him and grandparents. he is very caring in other ways so realised not too look too much into it but I do understand what you mean as I wanted the same.

Goldbar · 11/01/2023 09:24

My children 'got' each other presents this year, in that my 5 year old picked out something for the baby and the baby 'gave' them a gift. My DH also took our older one shopping to choose something for me, and I helped them choose something for their daddy.

I don't think we did gifts to us 'from' the baby for the first couple of years. For me, it's more of a thing when they're 3+ and can begin to understand the concept of gift-giving and how we give gifts to those we love on special occasions.