First Christmas with new baby, husband didn't get me a card/present/anything from baby

[Spottingtwerps]

We have an 11mo. We are older parents, she will be my only baby and I have had a m/c previously so this is a v precious baby.

I bought my husband a "daddy" card and present from the baby. Baby signed his card with a handprint that I did which took bloody ages as a keepsake. He got me nothing.

He gave baby a card, just from him. The card I gave her was from both of us. He said that his card was for her memory box.

So everyone gets keepsakes except me.

AIBU to be upset that husband got me nothing from the baby or even signed her name in his card or even thought about me??

We've never done card or gifts 'from the baby'. We've had 2 kids and it has not crossed my mind to do that. If it's mothers day or fathers day and nothing is given/acknowledged then that would be a shame. I think maybe you were expecting too much OP, sorry.

And yet your DH managed to give your baby a card just from him…

There are some strange answers here. It’s personal preference. We waited ages for our first baby and gave cards to baby that were displayed along with our other Christmas cards. To my mind, it would have been weird not to. Also, baby gave Mother and Father Day cards organised by the other parent. I know loads of people who do that and Christmas/Birthday cards.

So, OP, YANBU. And you need to look into why your DH was happy to think about representing himself in baby’s memory box but had no thought for you. I presume he’s not expecting a card this June on Fathers Day? I bet he is.

I would speak to him when you’re feeling calm, and clearly say “While baby is too young to give cards and presents, we’ll organise it ourselves, right?” Mention Fathers Day as a hint that if he can’t be arsed, you won’t be either.

This is all just nonsense isn't it.

Getting the baby a gift is different to expecting your DH to have you a gift from the baby.

Babies don't give gifts. The expectation that your DH would think to do this is weird.

Keepsakes don't have to be given to be important. If it's important to you take a handprint yourself.

He might not be a very good husband going by your other threads but this is a total non-issue

You’re upset because you put a lot of thought into something that clearly wasn’t important to him. What was important to him was a card from him to his DC that the baby can look back on when they’re older. This is incredibly thoughtful and kind. you did something different. It’s ok that it’s different, it doesn’t make what you did wrong, nor what he did wrong. You both just have different ways of doing things.

I say this as a mother of a 10 month old that also got nothing from the baby at Christmas, but it didn’t cross my mind to do it for DP either. People are different, try not to fixate on what he does wrong and appreciate him for what he gets right.

For my DC firs Christmas, I made photo DVDs for DH with all the special pics from their first year, set to music, a few special effects etc. I think DH bought me perfume. We didn't do presents from the DC to us, and I wrote cards from us to the DC. We haven't kept them though. Our DC didn't give us presents until they were 10ish and a bit younger, when we started a secret Santa for immediate family members.

I don’t think the card and present giving is weird I think your strange insistence that your baby is somehow more special than others because you wanted her more is fucking bizarre tbh

It's weird to me. A lot of things other people do are weird to me. Lots of things I do will be weird to other people.

It really isn't a universal expectation to send cards from your baby or receive them for you baby so if you wanted it from him, fine. But you needed to say so. It isn't a given. As many people have said.

The only cards I've seen are for your adult children who you no longer live with, or maybe split families. I've never known people to get people they live with cards, yes when dating or long distance or apart for the holidays, but not the person you have breakfast with every morning. Most people don't even do cards these days.

What did he say when you told him?

It's not actually from your DD, so there's no "memory" to keep. You'll be able to keep everything when she (is forced to make you things by nursery and school) chooses you things when she's older.

I find it very odd when people sign cards off the little ones when they clearly didn't write it.
So yeah YABU.

All babies are precious.

'Preciousness' does equal extra gifts or keepsakes or arbitrary decisions about expecting extra gifts that you haven't even communicated.

Buy yourself a keepsake, or communicate your expectations clearly.

Personally I'd be raising eyebrows if my DH asked me to buy him an extra gift just from the baby.

Your baby is no more special than any other baby. I let this go in your OP, but actually at nearly 50 you are more than old enough to no that all babies are special to their parents, all are miracles. So actually your baby is a standard baby. The vast majority of us really wanted our babies, all of us are incredibly lucky. A Christmas card from the baby wouldn’t have made this Christmas more special, the baby made this one special.

I know you're in a world of pain if your relationship has broken down while you have a baby. But please stop with this. All children are precious. You surely can't believe that your baby is more precious to you than mine are to me (or anyone else), so stop saying it.

I haven't read your other thread, but it sounds like you have a lot on, I wish you and your (normal, as special and unremarkable as the rest of them!) all the very best for the future.

Cards for mothers are meant for buyers who are old enough to puck them out themselves... deffo not meant for babies

To me @Spottingtwerps YOUR baby means squat all. Whereas MY baby is the most precious being on the planet.

I’m with you OP. We buy cards to each other from DS (mummy/daddy cards) and small presents. It’s a bit odd that he did it for your birthday and not Christmas though. Have you asked him?

Take no notice of some people on here - of course you expected a card from the baby - it's your first as a mummy. You were very thoughtful towards other people and quite rightly expected something in return. The one thing I find unusual is your DH giving a card just from him - surely it's something to sort out together and put from 'mummy and daddy' He sounds competitive or just plain selfish.

It is too much to except if you haven't communicated that it's something you want.

People aren't mindreaders, and pretending to send a card from a baby to a parent is a bit of an odd thing to do.

This has all the trappings of an Instagram derived fad that is about posting a photo rather than any actual meaning.

It would have been easier to just tell him you would be doing a present for him from the baby beforehand and then he would know the expectation is on him to do the same if it was going to mean so much to you. Not judging you for wanting/doing this, we do too but I definitely had tell my husband that would be nice for us to do in the first instance. Just make it clear for next year.

Incidentally, your baby is not more precious because you’re older or because you only have one. I assure you people who are younger, didn’t struggle or have multiple find their children just as special.

Every baby is precious. You don't love your child more than the rest of us.

Anyway, no it isn't weird to send cards to family members or to give cards to babies and small children for them to keep for the future. I have cards that my grandparents wrote me as a baby and I cherish them. They are very valuable to me. It's also not weird to give presents "from the baby". Plenty of people do it. People are very, very dense if they can't understand that families do things differently and everyone who does something differently to them isn't "weird". They may not see the value in it, which is a valid viewpoint, but that doesn't mean that you can't.

Your DH knows that you value these things and there is a precedent in your family for giving these kind of gifts. Therefore he was thoughtless not to sort something for Christmas. Whether some random person on Mumsnet would have expected a gift is completely irrelevant. Obviously the culture in their family is different.

A baby can’t send you a card or buy you a present - those cards are for children old enough to actually care and get involved. It’d be the equivalent of saying that a gift is from the dog! This is a non-issue.

You’re making yourself look rude, doubling down on how precious your baby is.

My baby conceived via IVF, as an older mother, after 3 miscarriages is certainly more “long awaited” than my sister’s conceived first month baby. They are equally previous though.

Do you think otherwise?

I think most babies are very precious and very much wanted aren’t they? It always baffles me when someone says this as though all other babies are completely regretted. I have 2 children who I conceived very easily and I assure you they are every bit as wanted and precious as your baby is. I think it’s very weird you’re making such an issue out of not receiving a card from an 11 months old. You sound hard work.

Massive generalisation but: men are useless at anything that involves "emotional labour". You need to set out expectations clearly otherwise they just won't think.