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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boarding school

284 replies

Changedagain8766789 · 11/01/2023 03:48

I genuinely did not still think boarding school existed for little children anymore. Teenagers yes. But I looked up Prince Harry's old school after starting the book, and it takes boys from age 8.

AIBU to think that unless there are extenuating circumstances, sending your 8 year old away to board, with them coming home every two weeks for the weekend, is cruel? With everything we know about attachment and young children now, I just can't fathom it.

OP posts:
Greatly · 11/01/2023 03:52

So don't send your children to boarding school?

freezingpompoms · 11/01/2023 05:18

Yes it's definitely cruel. I can't believe people pay for it.

themimi · 11/01/2023 05:23

freezingpompoms · 11/01/2023 05:18

Yes it's definitely cruel. I can't believe people pay for it.

It is not cruel. Boarding houses are usually lovely, warm places with lovely staff. Some families need to use boarding E.g. military. I spent many years working in boarding and the majority of kids loved it.

SavoirFlair · 11/01/2023 05:26

We go through a variation of this post once a month on Mumsnet.

Beezknees · 11/01/2023 06:01

YANBU, people will jump through hoops to try and justify it but sending an 8 year old away from the family is really terrible. Unless they have abusive parents I guess!

Mexicola · 11/01/2023 06:03

YANBU I can’t imagine my child being upset about something and turning to a matron or the like for a cuddle or guidance or support or just being separated from them.

ChimChimeny · 11/01/2023 06:28

I went at 8 to be a term boarder so only home every 6 weeks or so, my big brother went the year before and I wanted to go.apparently. I look at 10 YO DD & cannot imagine sending her, I really don't know how my parents did. Dad was military but not living away or anything, mum worked full.time in a normal job.

It was really good educationally though & enabled me to get a.scholarship.to a private senior school as a day girl. Also made.me very independent but not in the best way. I can still remember the homesickness over 30 years later

Januarysux · 11/01/2023 06:31

@themimi do you think the majority of eight year olds loves it? I think I'd have failed as a parent if my 8 year old preferred that to being at home.
There will be very, very few circumstances that justify this at such a young age. Careers shouldn't come before children either.

SavoirFlair · 11/01/2023 06:34

Careers shouldn't come before children either.

then there would be no one in the armed forces or diplomats

jeaux90 · 11/01/2023 06:35

My DD13 boards two nights a week or a whole week occasionally if I have to travel more for work.

She loves it, gets all her homework done, has a lot of fun. As an only it also gives her a sense of sharing and accountability.

I'm also a single parent with a career, absolutely no way I could do my job without her being in private school/part time boarding.

So whilst I would not send her to board until secondary (I had to have a live in nanny instead) I don't judge people who do.

MontageOfHeck · 11/01/2023 06:40

Some acquaintances of ours are sending their 8 year old son next academic year and it does feel awfully sad. He is an only child and neither parent’s job requires it.

They are an extremely wealthy family, for whom status and social standing are very important, hence their decision. I think there’s a huge chance they’ll regret it as they are all very close to one another.

Bigbus · 11/01/2023 06:45

My DH went to boarding school when he was 8 and it was not a good experience. An 8 year old might think they want to go but they have no real idea of what it entails. My DS is 11 and even now I couldn’t imagine him being away so much. My DH said that from about 15 he enjoyed boarding school.

dreamersdown · 11/01/2023 06:47

I went at 10 and loved it - military family. I’m extremely close to my family, and had my sisters at school with me. The alternative was an extremely disrupted education, one year I would have moved schools 3 times.

Different folks, different strokes - if it’s not for you, don’t send your kids.

Januarysux · 11/01/2023 06:51

SavoirFlair · 11/01/2023 06:34

Careers shouldn't come before children either.

then there would be no one in the armed forces or diplomats

That's nonsense, they only need one parent in a more regular job to make it work. I also know a diplomat and his kids go with him.

Januarysux · 11/01/2023 06:52

Or, you step back a bit for the ten years or so that you have small children.

SavoirFlair · 11/01/2023 06:54

Januarysux · 11/01/2023 06:51

That's nonsense, they only need one parent in a more regular job to make it work. I also know a diplomat and his kids go with him.

Show quote history

ok that’s good. I know more than one diplomat. Taking one example, her children didn’t go with her.

I don’t think it’s “nonsense” for me to share a different set of lived experiences

Untitledsquatboulder · 11/01/2023 06:56

SavoirFlair · 11/01/2023 06:34

Careers shouldn't come before children either.

then there would be no one in the armed forces or diplomats

Most people in the armed forces or diplomatic service don't send their very young children to boarding school. And where they do it tends to be a class thing rather than necessity.

WhatNoRaisins · 11/01/2023 06:58

It probably seems very normal for families where this has been done for generations. It wouldn't be for me ideally.

milveycrohn · 11/01/2023 07:00

Yes, I had a colleague at work who sent his sons to a boarding 'prep' school from the age of 8.
It seems to be something that well - off people do.
There was once a TV prog about boarding prep school, with little children of around 8 years old, who were all starting.
The one exception, I believe, was the late Duke of Westminster (now deceased), who apparently hated boarding school, so sent his children to school locally (still independent, I think)

Januarysux · 11/01/2023 07:01

What I called "nonsense" was saying there'd be no military or diplomatic service without boarding at eight.
Why wait till 8 then?
And if you can manage till 8, why not wait till 12 when children might be better able to handle it?
I am sure most people who think they'd a good experience of boarding would still not send their dc when in single figures.

Monjardin12 · 11/01/2023 07:01

In a certain sector of society (ie posh), it's the done thing to send children to a boarding prep school, to facilitate the transition to senior boarding.
There was never going to be a realistic alternative for William and Harry.
Boarding schools have changed massively for the better in recent times, and most schools encourage flexi boarding.
I have a granddaughter at one such school and she has asked to stay over at school once a week. She loves it.(She did admit that the main attraction was the breakfast menu). 😂

WorriedMillie · 11/01/2023 07:02

It’s not what I would want for DD, that said, she has school friends who board (year 5, have boarded since Y4) and they seem perfectly happy, well adjusted kids. The school places huge emphasis on well-being and pastoral care, so I guess that extends to the boarding houses

PuttingDownRoots · 11/01/2023 07:05

My mother went to boarding school as there was no secondary school on her island. In some rural areas its considered better than 1hr+ commutes every day.

(Incidentally... the army is now coming up with other ways to make boarding unnecessary.. probably because its expensive rather than thinking of the children though! DH gets free accommodation at work, WFH 1-2days a week and two trips home a month paid for)

Mummadeze · 11/01/2023 07:05

I went to one abroad at 11 through choice and spent so much time crying and missing home that my parents took me back out in the end. I can’t imagine it either, 8 is so young. It would have killed me to send my DD at that age.

Coasterfan · 11/01/2023 07:07

i think 8 is way too young but last year my DS was at a private school that had boarding. He didn’t board as we are local but because of traffic, my work and after school activities etc he ended up being out of the house 7 til 7 every day. He actually asked if he could board Monday to Friday as it looked like great fun and he would be much less tired. Financially it was out of the question but it totally changed my opinion on boarding and if we had had the money I might have considered it for a couple of nights a week if he had enjoyed it. Primary is too young though, DS was 12 when we had these conversations.