Boarding school

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I genuinely did not still think boarding school existed for little children anymore. Teenagers yes. But I looked up Prince Harry's old school after starting the book, and it takes boys from age 8.

AIBU to think that unless there are extenuating circumstances, sending your 8 year old away to board, with them coming home every two weeks for the weekend, is cruel? With everything we know about attachment and young children now, I just can't fathom it.

We’re a boarding school family (shocker, I know) and it works for us. Nobody in real life would ever accuse of us neglect or abandonment.

Do you never feel extremely jealous of the fact that the adults who are (maybe) asking your child how their day has gone, (maybe) noticing if anything has concerned or upset them that they want to talk about to an adult, (probably not) kissing them before wishing them goodnight, (maybe) there for them if they wake and need an adult for anything overnight.... are other adults and not you, their parents, not their grandparents, not even their aunts or uncles but paid professionals? I think that's what most parents really struggle to comprehend.

People on here are saying "Secondary - I'm not talking about primary" - but that can be as young as 11 years old. That's still as far away from (hopefully) becoming a fully-confident, independent adult as it was from when when they were a clingy, tantrumming toddler.

I don’t like it, but I’m not a very judgmental person. I prefer not to declare myself an expert on things I couldn’t possibly understand.

Guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree on the definition of sub standard parenting.

I’m very judgemental about things which damage children.

I’m very judgemental about things which damage children.
Exactly this.

Yes, I do feel that sometimes. Boarding works for us but it doesn’t work perfectly. There have been tears, more mine than theirs if I’m honest. But we’re doing our best, or at least we’re trying to. I wish that came across in my posts. I’m not trying to justify our choices or even make other people understand them. I’m simply asking that as parents, or at least contributors to a parenting forum, we accept that most parents are trying to do the best they can for their children. That families come in different shapes and sizes and that what works for some won’t work for others. That we can make our own choices without insulting others.

Apologies, my last message was directed at Webuiltthisbuffetonsausageroll

YOu are criticising parents that "only" see their child 1 hr a day - during the week presumably, not weekends - yet you think it's totally fine to see them once a month. I am not sure I get your logic.

I don't know many 8 year olds who genuinely only see their parents once a day. Even ones in full wrap around care (which in my experience aren't that common) will have at least a couple of hours with a PCG a day. Plus weekends. The will have consistent contact with a parent they love and who loves them.

Obviously there are factors where it may be better for an 8 year old child not to be at home. I just can't think of many.

I work in a boarding school (Y7-13) and honestly it’s made me even less likely to want to send my own kids there! I can see maybe how it can benefit in sixth form as we do a lot of work on independence and prioritise calm environment for studying as well as enrichment activities. The kids I work with are brilliant and come out with the funniest/kindest things and I just think it’s so sad their parents are choosing not to have the joy of their children’s company. No matter how great the boarding staff is, we can’t replicate the family environment. Yes I’ll ask how their days was and try to listen but I’ve also got 30 other kids trying to sign into boarding who are asking about homework, location of their PE kit etc. Promise posh schools also have difficult kids and if I’m spending Saturday night calming down a teenager who’s had an epic meltdown I can’t be spending quality time playing games with the kids or helping them set up the wii etc. It does feel with a minority of kids we are just trying but failing to compensate for the failures of their parents.

But you assume all boarders only see their parents once a month....

I personally think 8 is too young, my dd was offered a place at 9 and I turned it down, but there are circumstances where boarding school is the right choice for that family, certainly from 11 it's fairly common in very rural communities and military families. Boarding school is also sometimes a way of supporting grandparents/other relatives who have been asked to foster children due to care proceedings, I know a person whose grandchildren weekly board in these circumstances. There are state boarding schools remember, my dd boarded at one!

@SavoirFlair

ok that’s good. I know more than one diplomat. Taking one example, her children didn’t go with her. I don’t think it’s “nonsense” for me to share a different set of lived experiences

Maybe you shouldn't take that opportunity at the consulate in Tajikistan or wherever if you have young children, in the same way most of us recognise that we have restrictions on our careers when we have dependent children.

My cousin was traumatised when sent to boarding school at the age of 8 (uncle was in the military)... It's too young.

Ps my dp boarded from. 10, his children did NOT board. He blames early boarding for his mental health issues

ref PP who said it was roughly 3 times a term.

By certain lifestyle do you mean a roof over their head food and warmth? For most people, working full time is the only way to achieve that and is in no way comparable to sending kids to boarding school.

How do you know they thrived? Maybe they are fucked up as adults now.

I think boarding at a very good and nurturing school can be the best option if the home life is not satisfactory, which might be for a range of a reasons. Much like foster care.

I would say that all the boarders I have known have been emotionally damaged by it, with the exception of three who boarded only from 15 or 16. All girls. Even in some of them there are certain issues, and for less confident or more introverted personality types I think it would still not work well even in mid teens.

Exactly this. People with money dismissing the views of others because what could these peasants possibly know!

How do you know they thrived? Maybe they are fucked up as adults now.

They are still very close friends

DS boarded from 8. We lived rurally and were in poverty. He got a full scholarship. He started as a weekly boarder but soon asked to stay weekends. He had far more opportunities than we could ever provide if he had been at home. He looks fondly at his time there
He switched school at 14, again on scholarship. That was a disaster!
Would I do it again? No!
I know boarding school syndrome exists, but to be honest, given the number of state/ day school pupils with MH problems surrounding school attendance, I think the majority probably would have issues wherever they went.

My spouse went aged almost 8, having shown them this thread they 100% echo the notion that there's no better ideal than being at home with parents.

Of the three who were aged 8 or close in age my spouse is hugely effected every day by classic boarding school syndrome, had ongoing therapy regarding feelings of abandonment and never being enough.

Sadly one of the three commited suicide in early 20's, years of troubles before hand. Other one is also struggling as an adult.

I think the main issue is you are encouraged to 'put on a facade' of everything's perfect. School life HAS to be shown to be perfect by the pupil to the parents, parents are too absorbed in their career in some instances to really have the time to commit to making sure the child is ok.

In instances of young children whose parents are working overseas etc contact really is limited. Few times a year at most.

You have to consider these children are also not often going anywhere at exeat weekends so again the sense of being abandoned is highlighted.

The school the OP mentioned has a fair few children whose parents are overseas on government postings hence the need for the younger age boarders facility.

It really depends on the home situation and the child's temperament.

If the family is moving constantly, has health issues or parents who are never home for tea or bedtime anyway, some children may thrive (relatively) in the stability and opportunities that come with boarding school.

But I don't think for most children and most families it is the best option.

I was sent at 10 and absolutely hated it. I tried so hard to be brave but the loneliness and homesickness were constant and utterly miserable. There was no love or care in that place, just control. A place filled with lonely, frightened children, like a prison. No little girl wants to leave home at 10 to live amongst harsh strangers.

This vid is very good indeed: - Rosemary Lamaison and Piers Cross talk about their experience of BS. Rosemary is especially good, very informative, down to earth and clear.

Pub trade not forces but same
I think it would have given me stability at the school that I didn't have at home because of how many times we moved
One school I was at for just 8 weeks

This is one of the situations where I could maybe understand it. But then again, I know several people in the forces where they chose to set up a base somewhere once they had children and the deployed parent (in the cases I know, always the dad) would work away. That would presumably be the better choice for the child.