Boarding school

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I genuinely did not still think boarding school existed for little children anymore. Teenagers yes. But I looked up Prince Harry's old school after starting the book, and it takes boys from age 8.

AIBU to think that unless there are extenuating circumstances, sending your 8 year old away to board, with them coming home every two weeks for the weekend, is cruel? With everything we know about attachment and young children now, I just can't fathom it.

You know there's a big space between not working and sending your kids away so you can do your preferred job?

Some people seem to be deliberately missing this.

@Pinkyxx @jeaux90 I'm a working single mum and my daughter has never been in a boarding school. Shock horror. It's actually possible to be a single mum, work and live with your kid. Who would have thought!

When she was younger, I had a live-in nanny and now she's 12 she doesn't need one. There are many different options available besides boarding school.

Thoughtful and informative article on boarding school

www.madintheuk.com/2022/12/boarding-school-bad-children-syndrome/

My cousin’s kids were sent at 8. I barely see that side of the family but when we met up her daughter told us about the awful effect it’d had on her and that she didn’t feel part of her own family. She’s incredibly bitter about it.

I’d rather go to the moon then send my own kids. Why have them to send them away? All that nurturing and love is just missing. It’s unthinkable to most parents.

I personally think using a nanny is a dreadful thing to do to a child and would never have employed one, but I'm able to recognize that it suits and works for some people / their children. I don't judge you for it. It worked for you, considering your job & it's demands. That's great.

I've worked full time, done every school run and look after my child 95% of the time myself since she was 18 months old. Now she's older and has different needs, I am able to focus on my career and that means travel & at times long hours during which she boards. I apologize if this falls short of your standards... My daughter is very happy with the arrangement. She's actually boarding this evening to take advantage of the party arranged by the school - by the looks of the pictures she's sent me, she & her friends are having a blast of a time!

Please free free to direct your judgement and contempt at someone who actually cares..

I am able to focus on my career

There you have it in a nutshell. It's all about you.

I personally think using a nanny is a dreadful thing to do to a child and would never have employed one

Interesting that you haven't offered up any reason for that.

@VyeBrator Progressing one’s career is considered generally a positive step & having to travel for work is hardly unheard of.. I refused to travel when she was young and that had a significant impact on my career. If doing it now & using flexi boarding to facilitate that is ‘all about me’ when it provides us with a better life then yes guilty as charged.. would you prefer I claimed benefits???

Not that I need to justify why I don’t agree with nannies.., I simply don’t want someone else raising my child, that is what a nanny does in my opinion. Some might say boarding school is the same. Full time boarding is to an extent but only during term time which incidentally is shorter in a boarding school … whereas nannies are typically all year round.

If doing it now & using flexi boarding to facilitate that is ‘all about me’ when it provides us with a better life then yes guilty as charged..would you prefer I claimed benefits???

Again with the 'benefits' thing? You're making yourself sound ridiculous, pretending it's that or sending kids away, rather than parents putting their children over their favoured job.

And as you well know, a nanny raises no-one's children if the parents come home to them everyday after work, to live life as a family.

I mean we all make our own choices but you seem to refuse to own yours, by pretending you'd have to claim benefits if you didn't send your child away so you can do your preferred job.

@VyeBrator I use flexiboarding too. As a single mum, I have to provide a home for my ds, pay mortgage & heating and food & clothes.

Yes I could take a lesser job and fail to do those things or I can use my skills and experience in my chosen profession to achieve the best balance possible for my child. I'm 59 so retraining is not a serious option. My child is happy, secure, settled, doing well. It works for us.

Parenting is a balancing act in most households. We all do the best we can. Your judgement is not helpful to anyone.

I don’t think anyone needs to feel sorry for people who have different views to your own. Maybe no less strident, even - maybe they, too are single mothers, maybe their lives and families might have been wrecked and their children hurt by arrogant, emotionally destroyed ex-public school boarders - and maybe theu’ve built up a network of similarly afflicted people. Of course it’s not everybody but it is a strong and recurrent characteristic and the country has for a long time been run by dysfunctional people who’ve been ‘privileged’/(unlucky?) enough to be schooled in this way. And fwiw I did specify children sent away to public school young: I wasn’t talking about occasional flexi-boarders.

@VyeBrator I would personally much prefer to not work in the domain I do. The hours, stress and demands are more than I would like to have had to balance with single parenting. However, it is the area in which I have the skills and experience that allow me to earn enough to cover our costs. I am the sole adult responsible for providing for my child both in terms of care and financially. If there was another parent at home with whom I shared parenting, it would not be necessary to leverage flexi-boarding 30 weeks of the year, but there is not.

Taking a lesser job that allowed me to work school hours and not travel is of course an option however that choice would result in my be unable to cover our costs which I am afraid leaves only that means benefits as a means to supplement the income I could earn in such a role. There's no magic money tree out there that covers mortgage, food, bills, clothes.... My daughter would also have to move from the selective fee paying independent school she presently attends to the local state school (which is inadequate, worst results in the area). In view of her being academically inclined, it was my view that this environment would be less than ideal for her. Therefore I took a bigger job allowing me to pay the fees. Yes that job has greater demands that the one I did while she was at primary school.

These are my choices and I stand by them; they work for us. My daughter is happy, thriving, able to partake in ballet lessons, play competitive sport, enjoy social opportunities provided by the school, excels academically and enjoys her life. When she is not flexi-boarding she is at home with me, and we enjoy our family life together.

Finally, nannies are for the purpose of raising children on behalf of the parent because they are not available. That is the job description. Why would any parent need a nanny if they are at home every day caring for their children themselves?

I'd happily send my teenage daughters to boarding school
No decent parent would do this to young children through choice.

Why would any parent need a nanny if they are at home every day caring for their children themselves?

As much as you're clearly being obtuse, I'll state the obvious.

People use nannies during the day (shocker I know!) while they're at work and then (brace yourself) they return home from work every day, to their families and spend evenings, nights and weekends together.

Again, you make your own choices but the silliness of pretending you don't understand this and claiming you'd need benefits to live if you did any other job, makes it clear you're not owning your choice.

Well then I'm the ultimate shit parent I guess. I had a live in nanny until DD was going to secondary and since then I've used flexi boarding two nights a week or a bit more if I'm in the US for work.

I tell you the biggest thing I've learnt as a single parent...not to give a shit about the judgement of others.

@Pinkyxx

I personally think using a nanny is a dreadful thing to do to a child and would never have employed one, but I'm able to recognize that it suits and works for some people / their children. I don't judge you for it. It worked for you, considering your job & its demands. That's great.

But you clearly do judge people for it. You have just said it’s “dreadful”.

What do you suggest working single parents do to support their children if they can’t use childcare?

@Thepeopleversuswork this thread is bonkers and definitely descending into the working mums issue.

We had the same live in nanny from when my daughter was 5 months old to age 11. She was and still is part of my family. But apparently that's a shit thing to do.

The nanny was a single parent too, originally from a very poor Asian country. Her son was able to go to university and become an engineer because of her work. I guess she's a shit mum too.

@Thepeopleversuswork My view on nannies is a personal opinion / preference which is different to judging those who use them. Saying ''no decent parent'' would use a nanny is an example of judgement. Did I say it any parent who used a nanny was cruel, selfish and damaging their child (all judgements levied at parents who opt for boarding) .. no, I did not. I just stated my opinion on a different childcare option. My opinion on nannies is much like my opinion on the colour yellow, I think it is dreadful. My opinion, my preference.

Anecdotally, I understand many children and families benefit from nannies, to the extent nannies often become part of their family long term as several posters have said. I'm just not one of them, it doesn't appeal to me - I would feel like someone else was my child's Mum (this is how I feel about, again I'm not saying it is having someone else be your child's mum). It wouldn't have worked for me, or my child. Just like boarding isn't right for everyone.... just because it works for us, doesn't mean I think everyone has to agree with me or think it is the only acceptable option for childcare. I think it's ok for me to not like the notion of a nanny, I'm allowed to have a different view just as everyone else is.

I'll never however understand the vitriol directed at parents who decide boarding is right for their child. Or how any parent thinks they are in any position to judge what is right for another child or family.

I know several men who were sent as boys, while the sisters stayed a home an went to local schools. The boys, it seems were 'favoured' with private education - same school dad, grandads etc went to - to give them better connections and 'toughen' them up.

The result has been they don't feel part of their own families and seem to be treated like cousins who might show up for family parties. Xmas etc. Nice to see them, but deffo not really warly welcomed.

@harrassedmumto3 'I'd happily send my teenage daughters to boarding school GrinGrinGrin
No decent parent would do this to young children through choice.'

I know! Imagine getting rid of the tough bits of parenting and only having them for holidays...

@jeaux90 Posters have repeatedly said that your circs at home, flex board a night or two is COMPLETELY different to proper boarding, and yet here you still are going on and on and on about it.
About 25% of my friends are now single parents in professional jobs, incl with travel and nightshifts and they seem to manage tho.

That’s my friend….her brother was sent. He’s possibly the most fucked up person I know. Also has awful misogynistic tendencies. Has never had a proper relationship with a woman (all boys boarding school). She had to go to local comp. However she’s much more successful than he is despite his very expensive education. Just a waste.

Several of my bosses, boarded at all boys schools. They really struggle to work properly with women.
they feel more comfortable having bants with the lowliest of male apprentices/graduates/ staff than interacting with any woman of any level.
its really shit to find the new grad boy is invited into the big project or to a social when women who should be included aren’t.

Boarding schools are not always a send off to get rid of the kids.

Let’s face it, so many kids stuck with shit parents in dysfunctional family environments.

Some parents both work long hours and instead of the children spending half the day at school and half the day on the bus and then dumped on grandma with an iPad in hand, only to see their parents for a manic 10 minutes before bed, they get to do fun activities around calm adults and then settle down with their mates and have a lovely relaxed and very privileged weekend.

Sometimes lonely but there are so much worse things in life.

Prince Harry has an inferiority complex and that’s all there is to him. Blame blame blame.

I may get flamed but why have kids if they are sent away to boarding school for most of the year and you never see them?

'I may get flamed but why have kids if they are sent away to boarding school for most of the year and you never see them?'

You're not going to get flamed, as most people ask themselves exactly the same question!
It's a thing particular to the English Upper classes, and wannabes, and most of the world finds it bizarre.

I think a lot depends on the age of the child.
I once worked with a colleague who sent his boys to boarding prep school from the age of 7. This seems very strange to me, as he was not in the armed forces, or similar. However, there are presumably quite a lot of families who do likewise.
The one child I knew went to a private school boarding on a weekly basis (Mon to Fri),from the age of 13, but he still failed his 'A' levels.
I think in some remote places (Scottish Islands, etc), then weekly boarding from secondary age, or 13 is possibly normal.
That is, there are generally more and smaller primary schools, and larger secondary a lot further away.
This is the reason why some areas prefer to have middle schools (9-13), etc.
However, I personally would not wish to send a child to a boarding school at all.