Boarding school

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I genuinely did not still think boarding school existed for little children anymore. Teenagers yes. But I looked up Prince Harry's old school after starting the book, and it takes boys from age 8.

AIBU to think that unless there are extenuating circumstances, sending your 8 year old away to board, with them coming home every two weeks for the weekend, is cruel? With everything we know about attachment and young children now, I just can't fathom it.

"certain weekends"? So like one a month? Every two months? A term?

My 9 year old still needs loads of parental input and support. I cannot see many (any?) circumstances where it would have been better or even harmless for her to be without the primary caregivers who genuinely love her except for shcool holidays and the odd weekends. I really can't. Obviously if she didn't have that at home, or there were circumstances that made it beneficial for her to go, it might be different.

I know loads of people who have gone to boarding school. Most of them show some signs of it.

I watched documentary featuring a boarding prep school that's been linked to on MN before. It was really uncomfortable viewing watching girls of 8/9 learn to hide their distress and very obviously pretend they "love" it. The parents came across as determined to believe it was the best option for their kids. The school had various techniques and approaches around discouraging contact in early weeks that were patently designed to a) prevent parents from seeing what they were putting their children b) make the children learn to bury their emotions and accept being away from parents.

I cried watching it. One of the children had wanted to go but nonetheless was clearly deeply distressed by being separated from her mum.

Even full boarding has certain weekends reserved for home.

For me, that's just it, though: parents who split up and have many weekends without their children very frequently find it difficult, upsetting and far from what they would prefer, even though their child is spending the weekend with their other parent.

I don't get why you would actively choose to pay an organisation to split your precious weekends with your child with you. I realise that other people see it differently, but to me, the default for weekends (and evenings) is that you spend them with your parent(s), unless you have specifically arranged to do something different on occasion.

I know loads of people who have gone to boarding school. Most of them show some signs of it.

Me too. I know 4 people who went from a very early age and they are 4 of the most fucked up people i know, 2 are very institutionalised well into their 20s, all are emotional basket cases. One friend who went at 11, it took about 20 years for her relationship with her mother to begin to be restored.

This is nonsense.

If your child is at boarding school you have outsourced the day-to-day parenting, you are no longer doing it. The parent knows it and the child knows it.

It is neglect. Doesn't matter how warm and lovely the staff are. Enforcing a situation where a child is not with its primary care giver (S) is neglect.

I cried watching it. One of the children had wanted to go but nonetheless was clearly deeply distressed by being separated from her mum.

That's exactly it, I think. Children want to do all kinds of things that seem like fun and they don't understand the full picture and all the consequences of that choice. This is completely normal - because they are children; and that is why adults will allow them appropriate freedoms but will also sometimes step in and 'spoil their fun' - because we have the age and experience that means we can see the big picture and the consequences.

Anybody who doubts or questions this need only ask most 8yos if they would like to continue with their current balanced diet or if they would prefer to become a full-time exclusive Choco-Haribotarian instead.

Google a condition called ' boarding school syndrome'. It refers to children sent at around 8. Very interesting work regarding emotional stunting. You can't cry as an adult because if you cried as a child it was a signal to bullies that you were weak . None of the staff would have taken any notice if you so you just retreat inside yourself.

That is a specific set of circs. At times boarding can be useful if home is not suitable/stable/safe. That is not what the thread is about, really.

I spent many years working in boarding and the majority of kids loved it.

And the kids who weren't part of that majority??

It won't show any of the negatives, really.

I watched it too. There was a boy aged about 10 who said that he was okay as long as he didn't see his mum for the weekly afternoon out they were allowed. His younger sister went and was distressed before and after. He said he could only cope with being away if he didn't see his parents at all until the holidays. How bloody weird is that.

There was a boy aged about 10 who said that he was okay as long as he didn't see his mum for the weekly afternoon out they were allowed. His younger sister went and was distressed before and after. He said he could only cope with being away if he didn't see his parents at all until the holidays. This is a form of emotional child abuse, it is terrible. Children try so hard to do what is asked of them, and when what is asked of them is to suppress their feelings it is very damaging.

That is a specific set of circs. At times boarding can be useful if home is not suitable/stable/safe. That is not what the thread is about, really.

Yes, definitely. In the same way that hospitals and hospices are absolutely the best place for many very ill children to stay, but no loving parent would actively prefer for their completely healthy and well child to be arbitrarily sent to live there.

Over my longish life I have had 2 relationships of a couple of years each with men who had been sent to boarding school at 7. Both knew how to put on a 'front' but deep down they were emotionally introverted and basically unable to feel anything much at all. They were sent to top schools because everyone in their family went there and the line couldn't possibly be broken. Neither sent their own children away.
Mike Tindal said that he would send his daughters to good day schools but there was no way they weren't coming home every night.

It's usually at least 3 times a term. And I'm talking about secondary school age, not primary.

Not a valid comparison at all.

Ok, so roughly once a month. I am not sure I'd consider a weekend a month as seeing my child regularly. Imagine if you were seperated from your partner and that is what they offered you as contact. Would you consider that a reasonable amount of regular contact?

There was a boy aged about 10 who said that he was okay as long as he didn't see his mum for the weekly afternoon out they were allowed. His younger sister went and was distressed before and after. He said he could only cope with being away if he didn't see his parents at all until the holidays.

This is a form of emotional child abuse, it is terrible. Children try so hard to do what is asked of them, and when what is asked of them is to suppress their feelings it is very damaging.

I completely agree. The very idea that seeing your parent(s) should be a rare treat - by (their) deliberate design and preference, with no extenuating circumstances - is heartbreaking.

I abhor the way that some adults will claim that 'kids are tough and resilient - they'll be fine' as an excuse for them to selfishly choose what makes their own lives easier and actively transfer the burden of their own (adult) stress on to children.

I know somebody who is working in a consulate in a very unstable part of the world. She still took her kids. There is a secure school for them. She'd never farm them off to board; it's a class/status thing. And yes it's damaging.

Not a valid comparison at all.

In general or in the context of the extremely challenging and unusual circumstances that that post related to?

Children are meant to be with loving parents. Anything different from that does varying amounts of damage to children. If you can’t provide a stable home for children, don’t have children.

Not something I'd do but I can think of far worse things that people / parents do to children.,

It's usually at least 3 times a term. And I'm talking about secondary school age, not primary

that is not parenting that is spending some time with your child/children before they are returning to care givers and teachers

Lots of judgement and unsupported opinions being spouted off as facts in this thread.

If you don’t understand boarding school, don’t send your children to one.

But don’t make sweeping generalisations about families that do. Don’t create a list of acceptable criteria that you think might mitigate the circumstances. How other people choose to educate their children really shouldn’t have such an impact on you and your own choices.