Boarding school

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I genuinely did not still think boarding school existed for little children anymore. Teenagers yes. But I looked up Prince Harry's old school after starting the book, and it takes boys from age 8.

AIBU to think that unless there are extenuating circumstances, sending your 8 year old away to board, with them coming home every two weeks for the weekend, is cruel? With everything we know about attachment and young children now, I just can't fathom it.

I have an 8 year old. The idea of it breaks my heart. He still needs us for so many little things - as independent as he is now.

Unless there are really extenuating circumstances, I simply can't imagine being the parent of a child and then knowing that they are sleeping elsewhere every night - not just for a sleepover or staying with grandparents, but regularly, almost every night.

How could you reconcile it knowing that you have an 8/10/12yo, but your evenings and bedtimes are the same as they were before you were a parent? Doesn't it feel like something massive is just missing all the time?

It saddens me enough to think of how different it's going to be when our DS is grown up and no longer living with us - I can't for the life of me understand why people would choose to accelerate that, whilst they are still very much children.

It's all very well children reading Enid Blyton and Harry Potter and seeing the fun bits of boarding school; but to me, it's not just a sleepover or a midnight feast with friends (and there's no saying that you will get on with all your school mates at all, and if you get targeted by bullies and mean kids, there's no escape from them) - it's like you've actively transferred away from your actual family to a replacement family setup; you're no longer living with a family that will love you unconditionally, but rather one where you always have to work and hope for acceptance.

Daughter of a dipliomat here.

We always went with my dad. It was a great life. Everyone I knew in the diplomatic community took their families unless circumstances didn't allow it (no decent local school, or kids in a critical year). Perhaps the British foreign service is culturally different, but it is perfectly possible to include your family in your plans as a diplomat without shipping them off to boarding school.

Also, there is some choice involved, so you can to some extent pick postings that are suitable forfamily life.

At what point has it been this way? I know someone whose schooling was paid for up until a few years ago whose circumstances weren't as you noted but their education was paid for. I also know someone aged 30 whose education was also covered in this way (same family)

One parent posted, one stayed in uk, education up to 18 paid for. Had this conversation with the one who was working for 'foreign office'

Exactly. I know many diplomats through my work and their kids always move with them. My parents also had to move countries several times when I was a kid and I went to six different schools in different countries. They always took me with them.

Unless the school purely benefits the child (I think some residential schooling can) then I think it’s a very strange set up to send your child away and pass over a huge part of your parenting

I’ve known many who have been sent to boarding school they either loved it or hated it, the once’s that hated it have been left traumatised. The ones that loved it I am sure they would have loved schooling anyway

I'm looking at a boarding school for my profoundly autistic DC. I'd give you 10 minutes with him before you wanted to do the same.

other people think differently about stuff non-shocker. Bore off.

Why have children to send them to boarding school? If your career is the most important thing that's absolutely fine, its not compulsory to have children.

Yes, I agree. It's possible to have a lot of careers as well as children, but if you have both parents so completely focused on their careers to the extent that they are unable/unwilling to actively parent their children, I wonder why they didn't just stay child-free.

I know that it isn't the same thing, but although I like dogs, I see the whole package of dog ownership and it really doesn't fit in with how we want and need to live our lives at all - the needs they have and the freedoms they take away from you; so we make the choice to not have a dog.

I know that loads of adult children have a wonderful relationship with their parents, but surely this is usually based on the foundation of having been brought up by them and shared your life and childhood with them - when those strong bonds are forged?

I know that not all children have the privilege of this experience and upbringing, for numerous reasons; but why the parent would actively choose this separation, I simply cannot fathom. Considering the cost of boarding school, you'd think that the parents would be in a reasonably good position to offer stability to the children; it's hardly something that underprivileged and chaotic households would normally be in a position to afford as an option in the first place.

@themimi foster care can be warm and loving with good ‘staff’… would you advocate for that if parents have awkward jobs?

I know a lot of ex boarders, the youngest being - two went at 3 years old, one at 6 and two at 8. They all hated it, were desperately sad and frightened. Non of them have gone on to be ‘high achievers’ from the ‘excellent education’ they were apparently given (one machinist in a factory, one forklift driver, one builder, one gardener and a primary school teacher- all perfectly good jobs but not the barrister/doctor/business leader jobs people think they will get).

3 I know who went at 11 to Summer Hill have done better, but still have emotional issues.

Completely agree. I think deciding to have children knowing that you're going to send them away at eight years old is psychopathic. How can you possibly know they'll be the type who 'loves it'?

My DS is eight and was worried about going to his cub's sleepover! The thought of him being away from home and missing us is devastating. I guess military children know they have no choice so try and mask it.

Unless there are really extenuating circumstances, I simply can't imagine being the parent of a child and then knowing that they are sleeping elsewhere every night - not just for a sleepover or staying with grandparents, but regularly, almost every night.

How could you reconcile it knowing that you have an 8/10/12yo, but your evenings and bedtimes are the same as they were before you were a parent? Doesn't it feel like something massive is just missing all the time?

Maybe that’s the attraction for some parents.

Theres something called Boarding School Syndrome, which mainly refers to children of this age starting at boarding school

Boarding school syndrome generally refers to boarding schools in the past, which were nothing like today's boarding schools. Parents are always very much involved in their children 's lives, unlike in the past where some children went for weeks, months or even years without contact with their parents.

Boarding schools are awful, unnecessary and apart from in unusual circumstances no child should go. They cause long term damage in the majority of children who are sent there, how could they not? However “great” they are a child should be raised by their own family rather than people who don’t love them and are paid to do it.
As for people saying their child asked to go - I would be taking a close look at my relationship with my child if they asked to leave home at a young age.

I'm looking at a boarding school for my profoundly autistic DC. I'd give you 10 minutes with him before you wanted to do the same.

I'm sure your circumstances are very challenging, to the extent that you would very reasonably consider residential options that best serve and support your whole family; but the vast majority of children at boarding school are not in that position: neurotypical children with no significant additional needs, but their parents still choose to send them away for whatever reasons they prefer not to live with them for a huge chunk of their childhoods.

My friend worked at one and she wasn’t totally critical of it. They had a lot of weekly boarders. Often there was a single mum in a professional role and it allowed her to work long hours during the week to have full weekends with her DC.
She said there are children who just never seem to go home though, sad. They had a lot of foreign students who wanted the prestige of an English education.

My friend allowed her sixth former to board and pulled her out after a week because they were all just doing what they wanted with no control.

How are is a parent very much involved in their child’s life if they are not seeing them for weeks at a time

what by phone and videos calls ?

this may in some extreme cases be best for the child and their families but if not an extreme case how can this be considered parenting

Very few children as young as 8 board these days. It’s usually extenuating circumstances. Some cases of ‘it’s how we’ve always done it’ of course but not so many these days.

DS was a day boy at a boarding school and boarded a couple of times. Liked it ok, but not enough to board any more often. DH was a day boy at the same school and really felt he missed out as in those days day boys were a minority. It’s switched a lot now. The prep boarding house is lovely. Has a lovely big open kitchen where the children can hang out in the evenings and have hot chocolate etc. The house parents are there. With their dog. They do lots of nice fun activities. Their rooms have bedding and things from home.

More children start boarding at 11 and even more at 13. And weekly boarding is very common now.

That is a very different scenario to sending them because it’s what one does or your career is more important or you prefer someone else to do the hard bits.
In some circumstances it IS the best thing for the child but not in most cases

My father died and I went to boarding school aged 8 and my DM went to live abroad. We don't all need to spill our guts like Harry!

I have a parent who went to boarding school at 11. It has a long term impact on people. I can see clear signs in my parent.

Parent in question would not send us, and i would never send my own children before about age 14 or 15 (if it was what they desperately wanted and there were other strong reasons) and even then only under a flexible/weekly model where they came home often.

🙄 Few people have had their life lived in public like Harry and few hold such public interest

That's the point - they do see their children regularly. If it's flexi boarding then life is split between home and school. If weekly boarding, the children are at home at weekends. Even full boarding has certain weekends reserved for home.

I don't think that's quite the same situation though ,my son has severe autism and learning disabilities,is 12 non verbal,extremely challenging at times at a special school etc,whilst a residential school isn't the right decision for our family
I have seen a friend place her child with very complex needs in one ,and he's thriving , it was an extremely difficult, decision. for her but she made it in her sons best interests ,I think it's a very different scenario to what the Op,is describing .

Maybe that’s the attraction for some parents.

I'm sure it is - but if the whole package of having and bringing up a child is not something that you want, there's no compulsion at all for you to have one in the first place. Many of us believe that parenthood is wonderful and an integral part of our lives, but it's also very hard work. Just as most people wouldn't choose to take a job that is rewarding, well-paid and good for career progression but requires a six-hour commute every day; if the day-to-day reality of children is not for you, it's 100% fine and a totally valid choice to make not to have them.

Boarding school syndrome generally refers to boarding schools in the past, which were nothing like today's boarding schools. Parents are always very much involved in their children 's lives, unlike in the past where some children went for weeks, months or even years without contact with their parents.

But you're still not living with your children for a very large part of their lives, by active choice. Like most parents, we both want to be much more involved than that - every day - with our DS, until he is grown up and makes his own way independently in the world. When he is an adult and able to look after himself, that's exactly what we expect he will do; but whilst he still needs to live with and rely on adults to be his main support system and bring him up in his childhood outside of normal school hours, we want those adults to be us - not (initial) strangers, who are only doing it for money and would stop doing it if we were no longer able or willing to pay for them to do so.

I wish I’d been allowed to go to boarding school but my parents wouldn’t hear if it. Dad was in the forces and instead I moved around with them, a year here, maybe a couple of years somewhere else. One memorable year we were posted twice! By the time I left school I’d been to nine different schools. It was disruptive to my education and awful for forming any long term relationships.

Fortunately I think it’s different now but back in the 70s and 80s postings were frequent and even having a parent at home didn’t make any difference if you were forever moving house.

Seeing your child isn’t parenting its seeing your child

flexi boarding is flexi parenting

parenting is the day in day out of your life revolving around your children