Boarding school

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I genuinely did not still think boarding school existed for little children anymore. Teenagers yes. But I looked up Prince Harry's old school after starting the book, and it takes boys from age 8.

AIBU to think that unless there are extenuating circumstances, sending your 8 year old away to board, with them coming home every two weeks for the weekend, is cruel? With everything we know about attachment and young children now, I just can't fathom it.

i was having this chat with my 8yo yesterday - that my father boarded termly from age 7 (basically entry to current year 3). It was quite baffling to both of us but it was the done thing at the time and for his background.

My friend’s child started Boarding at 8, but they really wanted to (suspect being a Harry Potter fanatic helped!) Both parents are military but divorced and in different parts of the country, and definitely not posh. The child is absolutely loving it, getting all sorts of opportunities and experiences they wouldn’t otherwise, and it provides the stability for their education that they need. If ever they start to hate it and beg to come home they will see out the school notice period, but then they’ll need to move school with their resident parent’s postings.

I weekly boarded from 9 and LOVED it. Often chose not to go home at weekends and hang out with friends at school instead.

i would really suffer away from my own kids, so it wouldn't suit us but don't assume everyone feels the same. I really had the best time and feel incredibly lucky.

I went at 11. Hated it and it wasn't a warm cosy environment, home from home. Far from it

I have an 8 year old. The idea of it breaks my heart. He still needs us for so many little things - as independent as he is now.

Theres something called Boarding School Syndrome, which mainly refers to children of this age starting at boarding school.

I was 8. It was hell.

@SavoirFlair yes it's also a huge perk of the jobs eg free private school fees for duration of child's education on completion of one posting with government. Not many people are aware that all the top uk private schools have pupils funded in this way. Most go in very young, 8 is common.

I've seen it personally and the children I know who went at such a young age had a mixed response. Most have suffered long term in some way and none are close to parents now. Even if the parent isn't considered a trailing spouse funding can still be given.

There was a scandal surrounding this a few years ago where a freedom of information request showed just how much money was being spent.

It's too young and absolutely shows a drive to put career before a child.

I went to boarding school age 9. YANBU - it's way too young. When my DC reached that age they felt like a baby still, it made me so sad for my childhood self 😔
And I've never quite forgiven my parents for it.

My father was sent away at 6! He was so traumatised by it that he wouldn’t allow any of us to go to boarding school. As a result I had to move schools so that my brother could go a private school as a day boy. I’m not sure why anyone would think it was a good or justify sending such a young child away from home.

I'd never heard of boarding school syndrome. I've just been reading about it and it's reduced me to tears. It's so accurate

To clear up any misconceptions about boarding school allowance (Continuity of Education Allowance)...

• its a percentage of fees, not the full amount. Its capped at approx £8000 a term... it definitely doesn't cover the prestigious schools without a massive top up from parents
• there is tight eligibility criteria. The serving parent has to ve fully mobile i.e moves at least every two years. A lot of people stay in one base for a lot longer than that so aren't eligible. Eligibility can change at any stage- its not until the child is 18
• rank doesn't matter... Private or General.
• they investigate fraud. Your partner living in the family home not on base is fraud for example.

Boarding school syndrome is real. I have met so many people who suffer from a childhood in boarding school.

Sending young children away is, let's be honest, an odd and emotionally risky thing to do. Humans have a long period between birth an maturity and we have been pretty much organised in family units within communities for a very long time in almost all societies.

There are times when boarding school provides a stability that home can not - e.g. with parents in the forces - but it just can never be better than being at home with loving parents. People who were happy at boarding school exist - but that does not mean boarding school is a risk worth taking when the evidence is irrefutable that what is best for kids is a supportive family environment.

My view is if you got through boarding school unscathed you are a lucky survivor of a toxic system.

No matter how lovely they are, they are strangers and, unless you have no alternative, there is no good reason for sending an 8 year old to live amongst strangers. I fully accept that for some people there is no choice, but realistically that's a limited number.

And no child of 8 loves being sent away to boarding school.

I boarded at age 11. The school was OK, and I guess I had some opportunities for activities that I would not otherwise have had. However. to this day have vivid memories of the sheer awful miserable depths of homesickness which hit every time I came back from holidays, half term or day visits home. There is no way I would do that to my child.

my mum boarded from 11, my uncle boarded from 6. their parents travelled extensively for work and my mum was allowed to accompany them but my uncle wasn't, mostly due to a sexist attitude that a son's education not suffering from all the travel was far more important than a daughter's. my mum blames the boarding for the fact that her brother has never been able to keep a functional loving relationship going and that his two children (now adults) also show significant psychological effects from having an emotionally stunted father (though possibility are are other contributory factors too)

I agree with the pp who said that having a child who is actually ok with being away from their parents so much at that age is a sign of general failure as a parent. its right and healthy for young children (under 10) to be closely attached and need daily family contact at that age. a lot of the traditional boarding families will also have had full time nannies of course. possibly also a night nanny and day nanny such that parents have never had a great deal of day to day contact. if that's all you have known then maybe boarding school isn't much different.

No issues at all with teenager boarding, it's totally normal for adolescents to want a bit less family contact and to spend more time with peers and I am sure it can be brilliant.

Some of these stories are so sad :(

Of course there would be a diplomatic service without boarding. This isn’t the nineteenth century.

I’m ex dip service. The majority of people I knew/know with primary aged kids either took London postings until their kids reached secondary, or took their dc with them. I only knew two exceptions.

One sent her dc to boarding school from age 10. She says they are happy and thriving, but the frequency with which she gushes about this makes me wonder. But maybe she just feels the need to defend her choices! I believe she boarded herself, so it’s normal to her.

The second was a very senior and rather old school type. He sent his dc from age 8. I remember him mentioning that his ds was finding it very hard and ringing home in tears constantly. He was mystified about this; his dd had been fine apparently.

The thing that I boggled at was that they were London based at the time, with at least a year or two until he went overseas. He said it was so that his ds ‘could get used it while they were nearby’, but I just couldn’t fathom why that was better than him having another year or two at home. Especially as he was clearly struggling.

So many judgy people here. My friend sent his boys to boarding school because their mum had early dementia and home was a scary and at times dangerous place. Boarding school gave them stability and a peaceful childhood.
They both have a very close relationship with their father they are now adults. And loved their time at boarding school.

I think you have to see the modern day schools to have an opinion. One of my dc has boarded a couple of nights a week since 8. They'll move up to full boarding one day. They love it. I didn't want them to but they desperately wanted to.
People judge but I work ft as does dh childcare costs are phenomenal in the U.K., two nights a week at school plus school giving dinner ever evening is affordable in comparison to anything that covers our working hours!

There is a documentary on CBBC about life in a boarding school. Obviously not going to show them crying etc, but it gives an insight into the workings.

I think this is such a good balance, sounds amazing. My DD is year 12 in a school with boarding. She was surprised how many of her peers do a couple of nights a week boarding and it said it looks really good fun. She still doesn't want to do it though but if she did I would be more than happy for her to do it and would have done from the age of about 13

Why have children to send them to boarding school? If your career is the most important thing that's absolutely fine, its not compulsory to have children.

Boarding school frequently results in documented trauma based personality types.

My concern is, that there is something that is making her unhappy at home, if she is wetting the bed and wants to go to boarding school.

I know lots of adults who went to boarding school as children and they all absolutely hated it.

For age 13+? Maybe weekly bowrding is ok. Younger than that is cruel.