Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was really disrespectful of DH / his work?

264 replies

HakunaMaToytes · 10/01/2023 21:57

DH went to work this AM. No mention of any particular event, working late etc.

I usually do the school run and get dinner ready for when he gets home.

4pm he sends a message just saying "This is taking longer than expected, I'll be late for dinner".

I had no clue what "this" is, but figured it was just running a little late so said no problem.

7pm he messages "Nowhere near finished". I figured it must be some major emergency so I say I'll plate him some up and save. He says thanks. I ask what's going on, no reply. Hear nothing more.

Now nearly 10pm he messages on his way. I ask if he's eaten. Yes, apparently they were in a management training all day and then did an impromptu cookery class where they all cooked their own dinner???

WTAF.

I fully understand things happen at work but surely he must have known in advance this was happening, so just tell me not mess me about and have me plating up food / not knowing when he'll be back etc. He claims he knew nothing about it - if that's actually the case, isn't that massively disrespectful of the company to just assume all the managers have partners sat at home compliantly sorting the kids out who don't need to know when they'll be back or if they actually want the dinner they've made for them?

DH is making out I'm being completely unreasonable so wanted some perspective here, I think it's really bad.

OP posts:
Iamgrootyesiam · 11/01/2023 18:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Iamgrootyesiam · 11/01/2023 18:44

Busybutbored · 10/01/2023 22:55

Wow I can't believe all the people on here who wouldn't believe this. My husband and I are both senior and work professional jobs. I often run over very late, and so does he. This whole scenario sounds totally plausible. The cooking class probably was planned but he didn't read the agenda. I feel really sorry for your husband 😞

Have you read the full thread? It’s not just this, there’s other things she has reason to be suspicious for

Catcharolo · 11/01/2023 18:46

You are defo being unreasonable!! Putting some food on a plate is hardly a big deal.

I usually leave something for my DH who gets in between 8pm and 9pm usually..but sometimes he turns up late, sometimes he’s had a massive client lunch, sometimes he’s had something to eat with colleagues. It wouldn’t occur to me to care.. I’ll eat it for lunch next day and I get to watch what I want on tv. Win!

VioletaDelValle · 11/01/2023 19:06

You are defo being unreasonable!! Putting some food on a plate is hardly a big deal.

That's not really the issue though is it?

Pearlygates · 12/01/2023 08:30

Iamgrootyesiam · 11/01/2023 18:44

Have you read the full thread? It’s not just this, there’s other things she has reason to be suspicious for

Show quote history

Other things like buying some new toiletries and being at a pub 10 years ago?

ProfessionalWeirdo · 12/01/2023 14:14

It's not impossible that he didn't know the whole agenda for the day. Some years ago DH was sent on a 3-week residential "management course" - of which one of the conditions was that the participants must not be told about it in advance! Apparently the whole point of the course was to deliberately put the participants under stress. I know it sounds incredible, but it's true.

MMMarmite · 12/01/2023 14:22

ProfessionalWeirdo · 12/01/2023 14:14

It's not impossible that he didn't know the whole agenda for the day. Some years ago DH was sent on a 3-week residential "management course" - of which one of the conditions was that the participants must not be told about it in advance! Apparently the whole point of the course was to deliberately put the participants under stress. I know it sounds incredible, but it's true.

Wow, I would not be staying in that job!

VioletaDelValle · 12/01/2023 14:24

ProfessionalWeirdo · 12/01/2023 14:14

It's not impossible that he didn't know the whole agenda for the day. Some years ago DH was sent on a 3-week residential "management course" - of which one of the conditions was that the participants must not be told about it in advance! Apparently the whole point of the course was to deliberately put the participants under stress. I know it sounds incredible, but it's true.

An organisation sent their employees away for 3 weeks without any notice?

What happened with those employees who had childcare responsibilities?

ProfessionalWeirdo · 12/01/2023 14:33

An organisation sent their employees away for 3 weeks without any notice? What happened with those employees who had childcare responsibilities?

The decision to send DH on the course was made by the MD (though God alone knows why). DH's immediate boss recognised the idiocy of the "no notice" rule, and warned DH in advance. As for childcare responsibilities, I'm afraid I don't know the answer to that.

This particular type of course was discredited a few years later, when one of the participants fell asleep at the wheel on his way home at the end. It's just tragic that it had to take something like that to make the organisers see the folly of their ways.

VioletaDelValle · 12/01/2023 14:43

The decision to send DH on the course was made by the MD (though God alone knows why). DH's immediate boss recognised the idiocy of the "no notice" rule, and warned DH in advance. As for childcare responsibilities, I'm afraid I don't know the answer to that.

This particular type of course was discredited a few years later, when one of the participants fell asleep at the wheel on his way home at the end. It's just tragic that it had to take something like that to make the organisers see the folly of their ways.

Thank god for that! It's ludicrous and clearly unsafe.
Not to mention discriminatory against those with childcare responsibilities (so mainly women!)

ManchesterGirl2 · 12/01/2023 14:55

VioletaDelValle · 12/01/2023 14:43

The decision to send DH on the course was made by the MD (though God alone knows why). DH's immediate boss recognised the idiocy of the "no notice" rule, and warned DH in advance. As for childcare responsibilities, I'm afraid I don't know the answer to that.

This particular type of course was discredited a few years later, when one of the participants fell asleep at the wheel on his way home at the end. It's just tragic that it had to take something like that to make the organisers see the folly of their ways.

Thank god for that! It's ludicrous and clearly unsafe.
Not to mention discriminatory against those with childcare responsibilities (so mainly women!)

Basically anyone with any responsibilities at all - pets, appointments, social engagements, caring responsibilities, volunteering roles, leadership roles in clubs or church.

There must be fairly few people who could just disappear for 3 weeks with no notice and it have no impact on anyone at all.

VioletaDelValle · 12/01/2023 14:56

Very true manchestergirl

Everanewbie · 12/01/2023 15:23

ManchesterGirl2 · 12/01/2023 14:55

Basically anyone with any responsibilities at all - pets, appointments, social engagements, caring responsibilities, volunteering roles, leadership roles in clubs or church.

There must be fairly few people who could just disappear for 3 weeks with no notice and it have no impact on anyone at all.

Show quote history

Haha the rubbish people a) accept from work just because the boss said so. Can see how that tribunal goes. Refused to disappear for 3 weeks. b) make up about work!!!

So do you wear the same underwear for those surprise 3 weeks? If not do the company supply it? Or do thy covertly sneak into your drawers at home?

laylababe5 · 12/01/2023 18:16

An impromptu cooking class? I highly doubt it. Training is done in normal working hours. You won't get a trainer staying until all hours. I'm sorry OP but he's not telling you the truth.

SleeplessInEngland · 12/01/2023 18:18

Iamgrootyesiam · 11/01/2023 18:44

Have you read the full thread? It’s not just this, there’s other things she has reason to be suspicious for

Show quote history

No there isn’t, it’s just the usual mumsnet bullshit where posters desperately hope it’s a juicy affair.

Thepeopleversuswork · 12/01/2023 18:22

I also think this sounds very fishy indeed. It’s perfectly plausible that his employer could have booked him onto some team building exercise like this but absolutely not that he would have failed to realise this had happened until it was underway.

If that scenario genuinely had happened also why wouldn’t he just have messaged to say: “shit I forgot I had a cookery class,” rather than just saying “not finished”.

It sounds dodgy as hell and with the other stuff I would be very suspicious.

Hawkins001 · 12/01/2023 18:33

FloydPepper · 10/01/2023 22:09

I’ve been on loads of those type of days. Many times there has been some sort of activity and you’ve not known what it is until it happens. Recently it’s been cocktail making, or driving 4x4s, or shooting clay pigeons.

it’s perfectly plausible he didn’t know that would be happening

as usual, it must be he’s having an affair though!

Sometimes it's a mix but with perspective on here with affairs, emotional affairs, etc it's an understandable conclusion

Withmayo · 12/01/2023 18:36

He should be taking you out for dinner very soon!

Iamgrootyesiam · 12/01/2023 18:45

SleeplessInEngland · 12/01/2023 18:18

No there isn’t, it’s just the usual mumsnet bullshit where posters desperately hope it’s a juicy affair.

Show quote history

Ahh, so why do you even bother reading any of it then?

Grrrrdarling · 12/01/2023 19:22

HakunaMaToytes · 10/01/2023 21:57

DH went to work this AM. No mention of any particular event, working late etc.

I usually do the school run and get dinner ready for when he gets home.

4pm he sends a message just saying "This is taking longer than expected, I'll be late for dinner".

I had no clue what "this" is, but figured it was just running a little late so said no problem.

7pm he messages "Nowhere near finished". I figured it must be some major emergency so I say I'll plate him some up and save. He says thanks. I ask what's going on, no reply. Hear nothing more.

Now nearly 10pm he messages on his way. I ask if he's eaten. Yes, apparently they were in a management training all day and then did an impromptu cookery class where they all cooked their own dinner???

WTAF.

I fully understand things happen at work but surely he must have known in advance this was happening, so just tell me not mess me about and have me plating up food / not knowing when he'll be back etc. He claims he knew nothing about it - if that's actually the case, isn't that massively disrespectful of the company to just assume all the managers have partners sat at home compliantly sorting the kids out who don't need to know when they'll be back or if they actually want the dinner they've made for them?

DH is making out I'm being completely unreasonable so wanted some perspective here, I think it's really bad.

🤔Awkward! Why did he not just tell you that when he messaged at 7pm.
I am on team somethings amiss here too & the blatant gaslighting accusing you of being paranoid, him telling you he has ‘proof’ & recipes from the ‘impromptu’ event yet not coming home & showing you what he has been doing along with the new smelly stuff is red flag territory.
I’d be asking him to recreate his new culinary masterpiece for me!

Wonderfulstuff · 12/01/2023 19:25

On a lighter note, I have been in the position where employers have wanted to build 'the hype' about a team away day so have known nothing about it other than needing to be at x place at x time.

My worst was when I ended up on a log flume first thing in the morning in order to get our energy levels up for a day of thrilling strategy presentations. I ended up soaked throught to my pants and spent the day uncomfortable and cold in sopping wet jeans. At no point did I expect to have to pack spare knickers and trousers for a one day conference!

Sooziewoozie · 12/01/2023 19:54

I’m sorry but it all sounds a bit suspect to me!

Hmm1234 · 12/01/2023 20:10

Sounds like a cheater. You’ll know for sure when it happens again

TowerRaven7 · 12/01/2023 20:15

This might grate on me a bit but imo it’s not really a big deal. If it’s his meal, wrap up for lunches or leftovers.

Kilroy · 12/01/2023 20:31

I have been called to management meetings that I though lasted a few hours and went on for 3 days and was secluded. I managed to send texts, but my partner was quite upset and I got a lot of grief for it. And quite rightly too. That's the point - it is wrong. Due to the nature of my roles I had emergencies and was not always able to make contact. I would say that it really depends on the role they were doing. I have heard of impromptu tasks at Management training and it is ''good'' team building. (Jury out on that) But never cooking until my son had exactly that strange stuff does happen.
It still does not make it right. failing to communicate is wrong irrespective of excuse or reason.
Same time belabouring that point is not useful.
If the person who has done the wrong cannot accept that they were wrong and apologise then that is somewhat unreasonable.
I had many episodes over the years and my partner had every right to really throw a wobbly and sometimes did as it as a bit much. I never made any excuse but accepted the anger and did my best to make amends in every way I could even though it was part of my actual job role unfortunately.

However you know what your partner works at and the reality of the tasks or not so there may be other areas to think about.