To think this was really disrespectful of DH / his work?

[HakunaMaToytes]

DH went to work this AM. No mention of any particular event, working late etc.

I usually do the school run and get dinner ready for when he gets home.

4pm he sends a message just saying "This is taking longer than expected, I'll be late for dinner".

I had no clue what "this" is, but figured it was just running a little late so said no problem.

7pm he messages "Nowhere near finished". I figured it must be some major emergency so I say I'll plate him some up and save. He says thanks. I ask what's going on, no reply. Hear nothing more.

Now nearly 10pm he messages on his way. I ask if he's eaten. Yes, apparently they were in a management training all day and then did an impromptu cookery class where they all cooked their own dinner???

WTAF.

I fully understand things happen at work but surely he must have known in advance this was happening, so just tell me not mess me about and have me plating up food / not knowing when he'll be back etc. He claims he knew nothing about it - if that's actually the case, isn't that massively disrespectful of the company to just assume all the managers have partners sat at home compliantly sorting the kids out who don't need to know when they'll be back or if they actually want the dinner they've made for them?

DH is making out I'm being completely unreasonable so wanted some perspective here, I think it's really bad.

I honestly can’t believe how many people on here jump to cheating or LTB in the first instance.

To me it sounds like he didn’t read it through properly, something I too have been guilty of and just assumed it was a regular meeting, only to be hit with some team building exercise that was apparently explained in email. It’s easily done.

He also messaged you a couple of times with updates regarding his whereabouts and how late it was running on.

If it was happening all the time then you’d be right to be annoyed/ suspicious. But a one off? And texting regular updates? Definitely not something that would wind me up.

My work often schedule trainings with a social event afterwords but not actually tell us what the social event is. He could have missed that there was a social event after if he didn’t read his emails or he thought it was something he could miss and then realised he couldn’t/didn’t want to on the day. But I would have expected him to give you more insight when he realised he was staying and eating.

My husband had a cooking class sprung on him. He knew there was a meal but not that they were cooking it themselves. Sometimes companies want to keep the activity to themselves to stop people complaining about it beforehand etc

Guarantee?

despite all the posters saying they’ve had events they’ve not been told what it is? Many times? We’re all wrong? You guarantee this company told people?

Not quite the poster didn't say ltb or Lundy Bancroft.

He must have been able to call you or send a quick text as soon as he realised they were cooking dinner, ‘sorry won’t be home for dinner, bloody work’. At least you would have known! I think it’s rude and disrespectful to be so cryptic. There’s no way he couldn’t have excused himself to give you a call or drop you a text.

I'm sorry. Work doesn't just spring a mandatory training course and/or social on you with notice than runs 5 hours beyond the working day. If this is for real, he made a choice to go, even if that meant not standing up to work.

My company did this so it could happen. Rather than pay for a dinner after a conference, which costs alot, they made their own dinner

@whattodo1975

Only one way to know for sure.

Go in to his work place and ask the MD to confirm what happened.

It might be mortifying for him, but at the minute his wife is going to leave him for having an affair, so guess he'd rather take the mortifying hit.

I really hope you wouldn't actually do this despite recommending it to OP.

OP... don't do this.

I work for a Global Company and have done all manner of team building including cookery

Next week I'm at an all day event off site.

The agenda is simply
9am Coffee and ice breaker
9.45 Activity 1
12pm Lunch
2pm Activity 2
6pm Finish
7-11pm Evening Entertainment (Smart Casual)

This is totally normal for us.

From what it sounds like, he was aware of the training but was at another meeting so didn't accept it or take any notice of it. MD realised he wasn't going the morning of so told him to cancel his plans and go. There was also a calendar invite for evening team building which he again didn't take much notice of as wasn't attending the training so it default set to 'Maybe' which Outlook does. When his MD told him to attend training he may not have had access to his laptop to also take better notice of the team building which was planned in for the evening.

All of the above is entirely plausible BUT he absolutely would have known earlier in the day and should have let you know the change of plans, especially in light of the content of your counselling. So YANBU at all to be cross with him. But the events as he describes them seem to stack up to me.

He has form for this, and your suspicion-radar was going off in any case at the point when you posted this thread. In your shoes, I'd be paying attention to my own feelings and reaction.

This isn't about impromptu team-building days - most people hate these in any event and would be incredibly pissed off were something so pointlessly time-consuming dropped on them with no notice. Nor is the issue here one of 'disrespect' (that word rankles with me as men tend to use it to keep women in their place) but one of trust. You've decided to forgive him, but ten years later you're still looking over your shoulder and suspicious of what might be on his devices.

There's nothing here to suggest he's certainly having an affair, and had you not filled in that back-story I'd have thought this quite a reach from a one-off late night and strangely off-cuff event at work. The problem is that he's harmed the trust in your relationship, and clearly after all this time you're still unable to get that back. Not to mention, he doesn't seem to be doing much to reassure you and is tending to suggest you, and only you, are being wholly unreasonable.

This isn't a LTB. You chose not to do so first time round, but I, personally, would think that living my life on tenterhooks like this too high a price to pay.

I wish you well, and hope it's not what you think. My only advice going forward is this: put yourself first.

Ugh. I said 'going forward'. I can't believe I did that!

(Too many fekin strategy away days for me too, I think it must be catching).

You didn’t advise op to “reach out” and have some “blue sky thinking” so I think you got away with a little “going forward”

look, yep he should have communicated. He was rubbish at that and being grumpy about it isn’t unreasonable.

the posters deciding he absolutely must be lying as this never happens and he absolutely must be having an affair are making a huge leap.

So he went to the pub after work and lied a DECADE ago and you still are holding it against him.

And you are suspicious of him not wanting you to use his work computer, which he uses for browsing, just before Christmas. Why is your first thought 'affair' not 'christmas present'?

And then there's the paranoia over him using nicer product.

And the accusation based on very little.

There are red flags here but to me, they are all yours.

How to ruin your marriage: Ask for advice on MN

It's sounds like your relationship is on rocky ground and he's not helping that very much at this stage.
Who knows what he was up to, but you live together, are married and have children together and therefore you are entitled to know if he's going to be home 4 hours late.

I would be asking him to cook for me what he cooked on the away day. It might be delicious.

There's no respect or trust left in your relationship. I'd seriously ask yourself if this is how you want to live your life

Some right cynical cows on this thread. If he was having a bit of rumpy pumpy he would have sold OP a story before going to work.

It sounds like either he did not read his emails or his company sprung a load of shite without notice.

You can't just throw a cookery class together at the last minute. I bet he was told but forgot or didn't read the emails properly.

Clearly someone knew about it but that doesn’t mean that they informed all the participants that they would be doing a cooking class

Exactly 😂
Everyone's so quick to say he's cheating and OP is just eating it up 😂😂
Sigh

I think my explanation is more likely

Why do people always assume the worst? Just cause he worked late once, doesn't mean he was having an affair, crikey!

Exactly! Why is the automatic response to assume infedelity? Baffling. Just clearly didn't listen when being told/sent an email about the day in question. My husband and I do it to each other all the time in general life 😆

Let it slide OP and don't think anything of it!