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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this was really disrespectful of DH / his work?

264 replies

HakunaMaToytes · 10/01/2023 21:57

DH went to work this AM. No mention of any particular event, working late etc.

I usually do the school run and get dinner ready for when he gets home.

4pm he sends a message just saying "This is taking longer than expected, I'll be late for dinner".

I had no clue what "this" is, but figured it was just running a little late so said no problem.

7pm he messages "Nowhere near finished". I figured it must be some major emergency so I say I'll plate him some up and save. He says thanks. I ask what's going on, no reply. Hear nothing more.

Now nearly 10pm he messages on his way. I ask if he's eaten. Yes, apparently they were in a management training all day and then did an impromptu cookery class where they all cooked their own dinner???

WTAF.

I fully understand things happen at work but surely he must have known in advance this was happening, so just tell me not mess me about and have me plating up food / not knowing when he'll be back etc. He claims he knew nothing about it - if that's actually the case, isn't that massively disrespectful of the company to just assume all the managers have partners sat at home compliantly sorting the kids out who don't need to know when they'll be back or if they actually want the dinner they've made for them?

DH is making out I'm being completely unreasonable so wanted some perspective here, I think it's really bad.

OP posts:
Iknowthis1 · 11/01/2023 08:02

DHS work would do this short of thing. It wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

VioletaDelValle · 11/01/2023 08:16

Iknowthis1 · 11/01/2023 08:02

DHS work would do this short of thing. It wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

Would they really spring an activity on staff that required them to work until 10pm with no notice?

What about those who have childcare responsibilities? Or other plans?

Poinsettia12 · 11/01/2023 08:18

Did he seem like he was drunk?

Agree suspicious, although think the cookery class probably happened (I don't think it's as weird an activity as some are making out). I think also it's reasonably likely that it finished up around 6/7 but some of the group wanted to continue having a few drinks (it's a bleak time of year and can imagine there would be appetite for an off the cuff few drinks) and he was part of that. Maybe wouldn't want to tell you that (not OK, but not an affair) if he thought you'd judge his lack of communication etc.

Swissmountains · 11/01/2023 08:54

I don't believe him. He went to the pub with a female colleague again, what happened last time?

Trust yourself and your feeling on this, you don't trust him...why? He has form for this? He has done this before? There will be reasons -

I have never heard of surprise cookery lessons strapped onto training schedules mid week - it is a very poor excuse at best.

RainandIce · 11/01/2023 09:00

OP putting aside this particular incident, it appears there isn't any trust in your marriage. It must be an exhausting way to live, second guessing whether your partner is telling the truth.

Are you happy in your marriage? Sounds like this is just the tip of the iceberg as in the grand scheme of things, it's not a huge deal. Annoying yes, I'd expect to be told, but it sounds like you have a lot going on.

Swissmountains · 11/01/2023 09:05

Check all of your joint and his personal account and see where actually spent the evening. Unless he carries cash everywhere, unlikely, there will be a paper trail. Although if my marriage had hit this low level, I would be out anyway. You can't live like this op. It is not healthy for you.

LongerThanADryJanuary23 · 11/01/2023 09:10

DH and I both worked corporate jobs and 'organised fun' was unfortunately part and parcel of the job.

DH never ever read the full itinerary so he'd be in your DH's shoes of not knowing what the full day entailed - also, you say his boss put this on him at the last minute, so no wonder he didn't know the cookery was happening.

Some 'organised fun' you know the details in advance ie training session then cookery & eating
some you'd just get " training session followed by 'team building exercise' "
If he didn't read it (or didn't get a chance to as it was last minute) then he wouldn't have known it was going to be a late one.

Possible that he was trying to avoid going which is why he hadn't responded to the invite (hence the 'maybe' in his calendar) and his boss pulled him up last minute and told him to go.

I don't know why you'd be so suspicious if he showed you the comms between him and his boss.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 11/01/2023 09:14

If he's having an affair he's doing a crap job of covering his tracks. It would have been in the diary, you'd have had your expectations set that he'd be late etc etc. so there were minimal questions around his activities.

He's been inefficient [not read his diary], very inconsiderate [by not flagging it to you as soon as the light dawned on the day], and definitely gone to the pub afterwards. No cookery thing goes on that late - unless he has an hours drive home which is entirely possible. He may have had a drink with a colleague, even a female one. Problem is you don't trust him but your previous statement around "form for this" is laughable. If my husband had a stroke every time I had a drink with a male colleague I'd divorce him in a shot.

The laptop - you can switch Teams to "appear offline" but my husband works in IT and the most simple settings/options like this seem to entirely escape him. No way would I let my spouse or children near my work laptop especially in an age where I mostly work from home. Schlepping into the office to sort out whatever random sh*t someone has done to your work device is a pain in the ass.

Pixiedust1234 · 11/01/2023 09:15

I think the main problem is the lack of respect towards you. Why didn't he just tell you what was happening instead of his messages? Normal people would had texted that they forgot about a meeting and will be home later, dont wait up, etc. He had time to send those texts, why didn't he send proper ones? I also see no apology for making you do all the work with the children or say goodnight to them for me. Neither the wife or children are in his thoughts despite "working" well beyond a normal day.

Deadringer · 11/01/2023 09:18

Wow, what a lot of drama on this thread. I would be annoyed if dh didn't come home for dinner as expected but I wouldn't be thinking affair or anything like that. Surely if he was sneaking around he would cover his tracks a bit better. As for his company giving consideration to his potential childcare duties why would they? Not their problem.

Lobelia123 · 11/01/2023 09:21

I agree that there has been a lot of jumping to nasty conclusions on this thread and I find it damaging and undermining to the OP. Sometimes it really is just a man being selfish and inconsiderate, without it necessarily meaning he's lying and cheating. I say this as someone who was cheated on. You cant always be living looking for the lowest possible reason.

EndlessRain1 · 11/01/2023 09:23

Well he clearly lied to you about something. Knowing about it, what he was genuinely doing, something. Noone can really know if that's because he was really doing something bad (like an affair) or because he just wanted to do something relatively innocence (like a drink after his team bonding thing) and didn't want to tell you because he knew you would accuse him of having an affair.

SleeplessInEngland · 11/01/2023 09:25

Well this is Mumsnet, so let's just indulge the OP's the idea he's an affair.

Velvetween · 11/01/2023 09:26

whoyougonnacallGOATSBUTTER · 10/01/2023 23:26

It must be a very shit company if they don’t tell the team what activity they’ll be doing.

Show quote history

Guarantee the company told people what they’d be doing. For cooking they’d have needed to know stuff for allergies etc…

If an email went out in December/busy month it could have easily been overlooked. People take time off over Xmas and switch off, then hit the ground running to catch up at start of Jan and … bam! There it is….the management training day you “knew nothing about”.

garlictwist · 11/01/2023 09:31

This wouldn't really bother me as a one off situation and I certainly wouldn't jump to the conclusion he's cheating. Where's the trust? What's the point in being in a relationship if that's the first thing you think of?

Original poster
HakunaMaToytes · 11/01/2023 09:47

I think the running late yesterday was probably true where he was etc. It does add up having seen the emails- if he'd known and accepted the invite, he would have had the timings for the activity. However, I think he probably did become aware much earlier in the day and just didn't bother telling me. Which is annoying as I wouldn't have minded at all...the bit I minded was the just not being told or knowing what was going on. Yes we have DCs so I was just left sorting them without any clue what was going on.

The buying beauty products in itself is no issue whatsoever. Just in combo with the other stuff it makes me uneasy and the one that my gut really isn't OK with is how panicky he got about me going on his laptop. There's no issue with HR or rules, he uses it for personal use all the time.

OP posts:
CocoFifi · 11/01/2023 09:50

Not the sort of excuse you would use if you were up to something else, as totally ridiculous

Pearlygates · 11/01/2023 09:53

I find it odd that he forgot and didn't give you more info from the beginning BUT I don think it's healthy to quizzing your DH about him having an affair without having some concrete evidence.

Buying some new hygiene products is hardly evidence. You have now opened a can of worms and there's definitely an issue with trust now and it's gonna be hard to build that back. You're always going to "suspect" he's up to something now. If he is cheating he's gonna learn to cover his steps better now.

I don't know OP, anyways good luck x

workinmums · 11/01/2023 09:56

HakunaMaToytes · 11/01/2023 09:47

I think the running late yesterday was probably true where he was etc. It does add up having seen the emails- if he'd known and accepted the invite, he would have had the timings for the activity. However, I think he probably did become aware much earlier in the day and just didn't bother telling me. Which is annoying as I wouldn't have minded at all...the bit I minded was the just not being told or knowing what was going on. Yes we have DCs so I was just left sorting them without any clue what was going on.

The buying beauty products in itself is no issue whatsoever. Just in combo with the other stuff it makes me uneasy and the one that my gut really isn't OK with is how panicky he got about me going on his laptop. There's no issue with HR or rules, he uses it for personal use all the time.

Has he done this before? If not how come the very first time he does this you accuse him of cheating?

VioletaDelValle · 11/01/2023 09:57

As for his company giving consideration to his potential childcare duties why would they? Not their problem.

No decent company is asking their employees a to pull a 12/13 hour day for a planned event without notice.

Most companies recognise that their employees have commitments outside of work (for example, childcare). Whenever I've been expected to work outside my contracted hours for a planned event we have been given notice so that we can reorganise any commitments we have such as childcare.

Which is why he either knew it was happening but didn't tell the op, hadn't bothered his read his emails or is lying.

Original poster
HakunaMaToytes · 11/01/2023 10:00

VioletaDelValle · 11/01/2023 09:57

As for his company giving consideration to his potential childcare duties why would they? Not their problem.

No decent company is asking their employees a to pull a 12/13 hour day for a planned event without notice.

Most companies recognise that their employees have commitments outside of work (for example, childcare). Whenever I've been expected to work outside my contracted hours for a planned event we have been given notice so that we can reorganise any commitments we have such as childcare.

Which is why he either knew it was happening but didn't tell the op, hadn't bothered his read his emails or is lying.

Yes precisely. Which is why my title was that it's disrespectful of him or his company...it's either they didn't tell him and it's them, or they did and it's him

OP posts:
whattodo1975 · 11/01/2023 10:01

Only one way to know for sure.

Go in to his work place and ask the MD to confirm what happened.

It might be mortifying for him, but at the minute his wife is going to leave him for having an affair, so guess he'd rather take the mortifying hit.

magicthree · 11/01/2023 10:07

FloydPepper · 10/01/2023 22:09

I’ve been on loads of those type of days. Many times there has been some sort of activity and you’ve not known what it is until it happens. Recently it’s been cocktail making, or driving 4x4s, or shooting clay pigeons.

it’s perfectly plausible he didn’t know that would be happening

as usual, it must be he’s having an affair though!

I agree. I did a training course once where we had no idea of what we were doing, and part of it involved making lunch - in a park. We also made rafts and took them on the duck pond. It's not that unusual.

VioletaDelValle · 11/01/2023 10:14

Yes precisely. Which is why my title was that it's disrespectful of him or his company...it's either they didn't tell him and it's them, or they did and it's him

I think its entirely plausible that the nature of the activity was a surprise but there's no way the timings of the event weren't communicated.

You just don't allow your employees to believe they are working a standard day then spring on the last min that they're there until 10! (Barring any emergency situation obviously but a cooking class is hardly an emergency!!)

VioletaDelValle · 11/01/2023 10:16

And fwiw.... I'm not assuming affair.

I'm just not buying that the company sprung this on him last min.