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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this was really disrespectful of DH / his work?

264 replies

HakunaMaToytes · 10/01/2023 21:57

DH went to work this AM. No mention of any particular event, working late etc.

I usually do the school run and get dinner ready for when he gets home.

4pm he sends a message just saying "This is taking longer than expected, I'll be late for dinner".

I had no clue what "this" is, but figured it was just running a little late so said no problem.

7pm he messages "Nowhere near finished". I figured it must be some major emergency so I say I'll plate him some up and save. He says thanks. I ask what's going on, no reply. Hear nothing more.

Now nearly 10pm he messages on his way. I ask if he's eaten. Yes, apparently they were in a management training all day and then did an impromptu cookery class where they all cooked their own dinner???

WTAF.

I fully understand things happen at work but surely he must have known in advance this was happening, so just tell me not mess me about and have me plating up food / not knowing when he'll be back etc. He claims he knew nothing about it - if that's actually the case, isn't that massively disrespectful of the company to just assume all the managers have partners sat at home compliantly sorting the kids out who don't need to know when they'll be back or if they actually want the dinner they've made for them?

DH is making out I'm being completely unreasonable so wanted some perspective here, I think it's really bad.

OP posts:
threatmatrix · 12/01/2023 20:38

It’s his job, would you want to live on benefits? My staff do as they are required that’s what I pay them for. I wouldn’t dream about having to think about men and children as I didn’t employ them. This might sound a bit harsh but businesses do not run around the employees family.

Mumwithbaggage · 12/01/2023 20:47

Sometimes my dh has gone to work and ended up in Prague or somewhere without any prior warning via M and S for socks and pants and a shirt! Always carries his passport. Depends on the job. Difference is, I trust him.

Plating up food is not on my agenda so that wouldn't bother me at all.

FarFlungFlamingo · 12/01/2023 20:51

I'm amazed that anyone refusing to let their partner use their work laptop would be in any way suspicious. We're allowed to use our laptops for some personal use, i.e. booking something on your own lunch hour but it would be gross misconduct to let a spouse or even a colleague log on with your credentials

Desertbarncat · 12/01/2023 21:03

That is a huge breech of your trust in him. Even if he’s being honest with you (which I don’t believe for a minute) he should not have been out until 10pm with no communication with you prior to the event. It’s disrespectful to you.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 12/01/2023 21:05

IDontCareMatthew · 10/01/2023 22:05

Photos could be genuine from earlier that day but doubt it would drag in til gone ten!!!

Alternatively, they could be stolen from google or soc media

It’s quite easy to find out when a picture was taken

BaconChops · 12/01/2023 22:29

So do I and I think your husband is telling fibs in my opinion. Impromptu cookery class……Mmm. Not that I’m suggesting anything but so much of what he’s said doesn’t ring true! Do you know any of the other wives or partners?

T1Dmama · 13/01/2023 03:39

I’ve learnt from experience that if your gut is telling you something then 9 times out of 10 it’s right.
If you don’t trust him then that needs working on and he needs to earn that trust back.
Id have bypassed him and called the office and asked what time the training / meeting / working day was finishing

Autumn61 · 13/01/2023 03:41

Sorry, playing away from home.

BMrs · 13/01/2023 07:12

Personally I wouldn't have jumped to any conclusions if this situation arose with my own husband, but after reading your updates I would be a little worried. Especially the one about not letting you use his work laptop.

Can you do some snooping?

savethatkitty · 13/01/2023 07:44

Sorry OP, another one who thinks he is telling porky pies.

laylababe5 · 13/01/2023 08:05

No way my work would not sack me for letting someone else use my laptop. Maybe if I set them up with a guest account I'd get away with it but otherwise no. My profile contains sensitive information not be be shared with anyone outside my organisation. So this part is acceptable but everything else is just red flags to me.

laylababe5 · 13/01/2023 08:08

@threatmatrix I'm so glad I don't work for you! Work life balance is vital to employee productivity.

Stewball01 · 13/01/2023 08:09

And he said?

VioletaDelValle · 13/01/2023 08:32

threatmatrix · 12/01/2023 20:38

It’s his job, would you want to live on benefits? My staff do as they are required that’s what I pay them for. I wouldn’t dream about having to think about men and children as I didn’t employ them. This might sound a bit harsh but businesses do not run around the employees family.

But on the other hand employees aren't slaves.
You don't own them and they're not at your beck and call 24/7.
It's is very unreasonable to expect employees to work outside of their agreed core hours without notice.

All the research shows that organisations which are flexible, family friendly and treat their employees well are happier staff and are more productive. We also know that this is what employees want too so actively look for this when job hunting.

Your view is incredibly outdated and employees will vote with their feet 🤷🏼‍♀️

Everanewbie · 13/01/2023 09:20

@threatmatrix top trolling. You employ them for their contracted services, nothing more. They owe you the work in their contract, not a pound of flesh.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 13/01/2023 09:32

BMrs · 13/01/2023 07:12

Personally I wouldn't have jumped to any conclusions if this situation arose with my own husband, but after reading your updates I would be a little worried. Especially the one about not letting you use his work laptop.

Can you do some snooping?

Do not try and snoop on his work laptop. That is completely unacceptable; it is the property of work. Yea he might be able to use it for personal things but that doesn’t mean he can let someone else use it, especially unsupervised.

threatmatrix · 13/01/2023 13:33

VioletaDelValle · 13/01/2023 08:32

But on the other hand employees aren't slaves.
You don't own them and they're not at your beck and call 24/7.
It's is very unreasonable to expect employees to work outside of their agreed core hours without notice.

All the research shows that organisations which are flexible, family friendly and treat their employees well are happier staff and are more productive. We also know that this is what employees want too so actively look for this when job hunting.

Your view is incredibly outdated and employees will vote with their feet 🤷🏼‍♀️

Show quote history

I think you misunderstood. He would have been asked and he would have said yes or no, he obviously said yes. As a business owner after he had said yes I wouldn’t have given it another thought. It’s not my job to think about his wife and child as I’ve already reiterated they are not my problem.

threatmatrix · 13/01/2023 13:35

threatmatrix · 13/01/2023 13:33

I think you misunderstood. He would have been asked and he would have said yes or no, he obviously said yes. As a business owner after he had said yes I wouldn’t have given it another thought. It’s not my job to think about his wife and child as I’ve already reiterated they are not my problem.

Show quote history

I’ll also mention that I’m not at all outdated, I employ a numerous amount of people most who have been with me over 10 years, good pay, overtime, private health, 32 days paid holiday a year so I can’t be doing much wrong. All earning from 45k. Please don’t assume because I expect a hard and dedicated workforce that they get treated badly.

threatmatrix · 13/01/2023 13:38

Everanewbie · 13/01/2023 09:20

@threatmatrix top trolling. You employ them for their contracted services, nothing more. They owe you the work in their contract, not a pound of flesh.

‘Trolling’ what are you going on about. He could have said no but obviously didn’t , it’s not the owners job to think about wifey and children, he running a business. Once you’ve owned a business then come back to me. So speaking as an owner and because I don’t fit your ideals I’m a Troll? Says more about you than me. Bye bye.

threatmatrix · 13/01/2023 13:40

Everanewbie · 13/01/2023 09:20

@threatmatrix top trolling. You employ them for their contracted services, nothing more. They owe you the work in their contract, not a pound of flesh.

P.S. I work in a very high powered industry and if you want to earn big money you put hours in. I’m glad my staff fo not have your attitude.

Redblanky · 13/01/2023 13:45

Really poor of the company if it's as he tells it, but I really doubt that it is.

At the very least, he knew in advance and forgot to tell you. (Or maybe forgot altogether).

IcallitVera · 13/01/2023 13:49

Bollocks. He's cheating. I'm sorry. He would be coming home to his shit in bags on the front doorstep.

VioletaDelValle · 13/01/2023 15:16

He would have been asked and he would have said yes or no, he obviously said yes. As a business owner after he had said yes I wouldn’t have given it another thought. It’s not my job to think about his wife and child as I’ve already reiterated they are not my problem.

I think you've misunderstood. People were referring to companies who expect their employees to work outside their core hours with absolutely no notice - not organisations that give plenty of notice and compensate staff for working above and beyond. There's a difference! In the second instance you can plan and arrange childcare if needed. The first instance makes it very difficult/impossible for working parents.

Your post made it sound like you were in the first camp which is clearly unacceptable.

Everanewbie · 13/01/2023 15:16

@threatmatrix ohh, high powered!!! You must be right then! Lets all bow down to your big high earning, high powered job. If you are thinking about making employees stay 5 hours beyond their finish time on a whim for a cooking class, then yes, you should be expected to think of the wifey and the kids.

VioletaDelValle · 13/01/2023 15:20

Please don’t assume because I expect a hard and dedicated workforce that they get treated badly.

Anyone expecting staff to work an additional 5 hours on top of their core hours with absolutely no notice is treating their employees badly no matter how much you pay them!

I work in a senior role and regularly work additional hours ( including international travel) I'm happy to do that as long as I have enough notice to plan childcare!