To think this was really disrespectful of DH / his work?

[HakunaMaToytes]

DH went to work this AM. No mention of any particular event, working late etc.

I usually do the school run and get dinner ready for when he gets home.

4pm he sends a message just saying "This is taking longer than expected, I'll be late for dinner".

I had no clue what "this" is, but figured it was just running a little late so said no problem.

7pm he messages "Nowhere near finished". I figured it must be some major emergency so I say I'll plate him some up and save. He says thanks. I ask what's going on, no reply. Hear nothing more.

Now nearly 10pm he messages on his way. I ask if he's eaten. Yes, apparently they were in a management training all day and then did an impromptu cookery class where they all cooked their own dinner???

WTAF.

I fully understand things happen at work but surely he must have known in advance this was happening, so just tell me not mess me about and have me plating up food / not knowing when he'll be back etc. He claims he knew nothing about it - if that's actually the case, isn't that massively disrespectful of the company to just assume all the managers have partners sat at home compliantly sorting the kids out who don't need to know when they'll be back or if they actually want the dinner they've made for them?

DH is making out I'm being completely unreasonable so wanted some perspective here, I think it's really bad.

I have attended cookery classes as part of team building or incentive schemes. They are NOT impromptu. You have to arrange tutors, hobs, ingredients, equipment etc. Health and safety assessments need to be carried out. Special needs and dietary requirements need to be taken into account.

it could be that all this was done and your DH was one of those total knobheads who ignored every communication about and professed total surprise when it was 'sprung' on him. In which case he knew at 7pm and could have said 'don't save dinner, I'm eating at work'.

it's an excellent and creative lie but I'm sure it is a lie.

Sounds plausible that he was not planning to attend so had no idea what the plans were until he was pressured to attend.

Also, I would never let DH use my work laptop, and I would never use his, even though we both use it for personal browsing too. It just doesn’t seem right.

He may have been telling the truth about the training day but not the cookery class, perhaps it ended at 4 or 5 and he went on somewhere else. I’m not usually one to see red flags everywhere but this does seem odd to me.

Seriously? The "advice" some of you give on this blog is shocking sometimes!

I would honestly, in this situation, be pretty put out if I was accused of having an affair. Even if I had lied about how much I knew about this event.

He should have told you, obviously, but your reaction (and accusation) makes me wonder if he didn't want the hassle.

It wasn't serious advice, but given how all the other advice is he's 100% having an affair its no more extreme than that.

I'm not sure impromptu team building sessions like this happen outside of working hours. And we're not talking running over half an hour. Either:

A) It was optional, and he wanted to do it but he thought it would be easier to pretend it compulsory rather than "ask permission"

B) His work are incredibly unreasonable and he should have stood up for himself.

C) He made the whole thing up as cover for something else.

Nonsense. For any event like this a good amount of forward planning goes into it and he'll had umpteen emails/teams chats about it.

Possibly he'd forgotten but unlikely especially once he'd got into the day. That's what agendas are for.

It sounds as if you need to have a proper sit down chat about your relationship tbh. Either alone, or with some form of counsellor facilitating.
This meeting, from what you say, sounds as if it was legit, but you sound as if you are feeling pretty insecure in your relationship atm. Maybe it’s just “in your head” but your gut is a powerful and often accurate gauge that something is wrong. On the down side, it can be a self fulfilling prophecy, if the concerns aren’t addressed and dealt with.
I hope you work things out.

What stands out to me is his defensiveness on being questioned.

"DH is making out I'm being completely unreasonable so wanted some perspective here, I think it's really bad."

"he really made out i was nuts when I brought it up and how very dare I question him"

That's the huge red flag to me.

Did he show you the pictures he mentioned that would prove he was there?

Could he be having an affair OP? And come up with the strange story to cover for meeting and eating with his affair partner?

I'd assume that he hadn't read his emails or that he forgot to tell OP. Surely if he were covering for an affair he'd have just said in advance to OP that he had all-day training?

I don’t really understand why it has pissed you off so much? I can imagine being a bit 🙄 at being messed about but not really annoyed. You weren’t going out or anything.
Is it more that it has made you feel paranoid and anxious? It doesn’t sound like he is the kind of guy that can be trusted 100%

In Mumsnet fantasy land, definitely.

We are currently having counselling around poor communication. And had literally had a session the night before re: how he's obsessed with work and doesn't ever switch off, puts work above me etc. So this did really annoy me.

I don't think he was up to no good now as his reasoning about not going until he was pressured to does make sense. I'm still uneasy that somebody at his work flirts with him hence not letting me on his laptop. But the biggest issue here is that he must have known earlier in the day that he'd be out until late and not need dinner but didn't bother communicating that to me. Worse, even, he was in touch with me and made it sound like he'd just be back slightly late which he must have known wouldn't be the case.

Not yet but he did show me the messages from his MD where he was pressured into going last min when wasn't meant to be, and the actual event invitation which he hadn't accepted so didn't get the agenda, with "Surprise Team Building" listed on the invite (no times).

It just feels really disrespectful. I genuinely wouldn't have minded at all if I'd just been told. And yes, I've got a niggly feeling about the laptop stuff etc although could be perfectly innocent

So it was a last minute, impromptu team building exercise, like he told you?

Perhaps all those responders who told you he's having an affair will now reconsider their kneejerk reactions? Haha only joking, of course they won't.

I don’t really understand why it has pissed you off so much? I can imagine being a bit 🙄 at being messed about but not really annoyed. You weren’t going out or anything.

So what? it's disrespectful, that's the point.You're supposed to be a partnership and part of that requires communication.

If my DH didn't get home until 10pm tonight with no explanation why he's a good 4 hours later than usual I'd be furious. It's just rude and not how you treat your partner.

Thank you! That's literally all I wanted to check, that I'm not being some sort of bunny boiler for feeling this. There's not really more to it than that, although until he showed me the email trails etc it did seem a bit fishy but I'm sure now its just a communication problem. Still not great!

When we have management training, there are quite a few attendees who have to be reminded on the day. They seem to either forget or don't want to go.
Normally I'll let DP know in advance, on the day and if it overruns I'll let him know.
I think it's just polite.

Although tbh if they had a course I'd be pretty pissed off with these team-building exercises running late into the night. They're just nonsense.

WHO on God's green earth wouldn't be defensive about cheating accusations?

It's a serious accusation!!!!!!

Even if not having an affair, he’s a dick.
He knew he was going to be staying for a cookery class and having a meal, so a simple “I’ve got to stay for some team building and it includes food so don’t delay dinner for me/save me any” is all it needed. Not doing so is dickish and controlling and wanting you to know your place

Not doing so is dickish and controlling and wanting you to know your place

Mumsnet bingo!