Break down of relationship - am I doing the right thing?

[xxp]

So I have been with my partner for 12 years but I am now contemplating ending the relationship. I do genuinely love this man but being together is proving to be very difficult because of his behaviour.

Context: We have a joint mortgage together in our beautiful home, 2 cats and a shared car so I am quite hesitant to end this but I want some opinions on what I am going through and if I have enough reason to call it quits. Over the last few months I’ve found his behaviour to be quite controlling. To keep this relatively short I will bullet point
⁃ he turned the heating and hot water off to get back at me one day, said that he was paying for it and he didn’t want to pay that day… he knew I needed a shower before going out
⁃ Mum and siblings visited for 2 weeks at Christmas and I haven’t seen them for 4 years, he made the whole time hell. Telling me I was neglecting him however he did not want to take part in any of our plans (his choice). He also made it very difficult with the shared car, he demanded it when he knew I had plans. I gave him the car when asked, no problem with me and it then sat outside the pub for a whole day… so he didn’t actually need it, just wanted to be difficult.
⁃ Our car was keyed on 23rd dec when I was visiting elderly grandparents, admittedly the area isn’t the best but this could have happened anywhere. Told me I wasn’t to park it there anymore and I did today to quickly drop off some messages and he seen… he’s now come home and cancelled the car insurance, and asked for the payment to be removed from our joint account although this was meant to be a joint financial commitment. I cannot afford this on my own which he knows.
⁃ When we fall out, he knows it hurts me and he takes out on our cats: they are mainly indoor cats but venture outside for about 10 minutes a day. One day we fell out and he put them outside in snow for hours and I didn’t know until I returned home later
⁃ I was I’ll with the flu recently and he refused to let me sleep one night… blared the tv so loud we had s noise complain from the neighbour, put crisps in my hair until I eventually had to sleep in another room

This is just a small selection of things he’s done to me in the last few weeks but I feel like I am going crazy and I’ve had enough of his behaviour. I think I need to leave. Any thoughts on my situation would be appreciated, I think I just need reassurance I am doing the right thing. I guess I am just scared about how I will cope financially after separation on my income alone

Thank you for making me aware of this. Can you let me know who this has sent from and an email address and I will reach out directly? I wasn't in the right mind frame to be able to deal with this yesterday but I have a clearer head now to take action. Thanks for reaching out on my behalf, much appreciated x

Here you go. X

Thanks very much, I will get in touch x

I am just so proud of you OP! Not only did you take notice of the responses you got, but you didn't hesitate, you made up your mind, and went for it. This may well have saved your life, and I really hope that anyone in a similar situation who has read this thread, will be as decisive, as it's all too easy to be paralysed with fear, and do nothing, when the sooner you take action to get away from a man like this, the more life you have left to enjoy, and move forward.

One thing I would say though, as other posters have mentioned, please be sure to keep this bastard at a distance, don't let him try to love bomb you, telling you how he'll change, etc. etc. as he really won't.

GOOD LUCK! You have a GREAT future ahead of you!

Well done.

To the journalist. You suck.

Really, what a wonderful forum MN can be sometimes. Well done, OP, for making your escape from what sounds an increasingly abusive situation with potential for great harm to be done to you.

I second what the other PP's have said about ensuring you withdraw at least 50% of any cash in joint accounts as, otherwise, you may well find he'll clear the accounts himself to punish you. If you have your own separate bank account ensure you change the passwords immediately so he can't access it. And remove his name on anything which may benefit him eg your Will, death in service benefit, etc. Very good luck to you - stay strong. 🌹

You really have done an incredible thing, OP, in leaving. I wish you every good thing you deserve.

Go go go!!!!
Please leave and don't even think about it. You're better than this

Kin helllll he’s gone crazy op! Get out now what strange not to mention cruel behaviour.

How are you OP?

I so hope you’re ok @xxp

Hope you are doing OK. Sounds very much like you made the right decision. Good luck and well done for not putting up with that treatment any longer x

Speak to your local women’s aid. They will be able to offer advice.

I can't believe he blamed you OP!!

I'm sorry you're going through this. Break-ups are horrible.

Even if you know it's the right thing, it's not easy to detach emotionally.

Things will get better!

He sounds like a lunatic. Get out of there now. You can ask for cats protection for help until you have somewhere to go .