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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Break down of relationship - am I doing the right thing?

215 replies

xxp · 10/01/2023 21:44

So I have been with my partner for 12 years but I am now contemplating ending the relationship. I do genuinely love this man but being together is proving to be very difficult because of his behaviour.

Context: We have a joint mortgage together in our beautiful home, 2 cats and a shared car so I am quite hesitant to end this but I want some opinions on what I am going through and if I have enough reason to call it quits. Over the last few months I’ve found his behaviour to be quite controlling. To keep this relatively short I will bullet point
⁃ he turned the heating and hot water off to get back at me one day, said that he was paying for it and he didn’t want to pay that day… he knew I needed a shower before going out
⁃ Mum and siblings visited for 2 weeks at Christmas and I haven’t seen them for 4 years, he made the whole time hell. Telling me I was neglecting him however he did not want to take part in any of our plans (his choice). He also made it very difficult with the shared car, he demanded it when he knew I had plans. I gave him the car when asked, no problem with me and it then sat outside the pub for a whole day… so he didn’t actually need it, just wanted to be difficult.
⁃ Our car was keyed on 23rd dec when I was visiting elderly grandparents, admittedly the area isn’t the best but this could have happened anywhere. Told me I wasn’t to park it there anymore and I did today to quickly drop off some messages and he seen… he’s now come home and cancelled the car insurance, and asked for the payment to be removed from our joint account although this was meant to be a joint financial commitment. I cannot afford this on my own which he knows.
⁃ When we fall out, he knows it hurts me and he takes out on our cats: they are mainly indoor cats but venture outside for about 10 minutes a day. One day we fell out and he put them outside in snow for hours and I didn’t know until I returned home later
⁃ I was I’ll with the flu recently and he refused to let me sleep one night… blared the tv so loud we had s noise complain from the neighbour, put crisps in my hair until I eventually had to sleep in another room

This is just a small selection of things he’s done to me in the last few weeks but I feel like I am going crazy and I’ve had enough of his behaviour. I think I need to leave. Any thoughts on my situation would be appreciated, I think I just need reassurance I am doing the right thing. I guess I am just scared about how I will cope financially after separation on my income alone

OP posts:
MyOtherCarIsAHearse · 11/01/2023 20:05

Hi OP. Are you able to take your cats with you? I think it’s important to note here for you, but also for other posters who may read this thread looking for help in the future, that there is a very wonderful charity called REFUGE4PETS and they will temporarily foster pets in order for someone to leave their domestic abuse situation. Many, many people stay in these situations because they are unable to take pets to family/friends when they flee, and this charity remove that barrier to ensure your pets are safe and therefore relieve a burden.

I’m not affiliated to them (I donate when I can) but I just wanted to offer something here that I’m well aware can be a barrier to leaving as soon as the person may like, and that the partner often is all too aware that they can hurt their partner by abusing the pets.

Wishing you all the best. Please keep us updated.

Perriewinkle · 11/01/2023 20:12

Please dont put up with this any longer am so sorry for you and your poor little cats what a bastard

Want2beme · 11/01/2023 21:28

MyOtherCarIsAHearse

OP said she'd leave today with her cats, as he'd be gone all day. Hope that worked out for her.

Good to know about REFUGE4PETS.

MyOtherCarIsAHearse · 11/01/2023 23:27

Want2beme · 11/01/2023 21:28

MyOtherCarIsAHearse

OP said she'd leave today with her cats, as he'd be gone all day. Hope that worked out for her.

Good to know about REFUGE4PETS.

Thanks for updating — I didn’t have time to read the full thread when I saw the original post. :)

Original poster
xxp · 12/01/2023 00:04

Hi everyone, so sorry for the lack of update. It's been a very overwhelming day and I ended up turning off my phone so I couldn't be reached. I have left, I packed up my most important belongings and of course my cats. It's been a very tough day, I feel so drained and sad but I know it will hopefully get better once I have time to process things. Family and work have been very supportive so that's made things a whole lot easier. That stupid journalist really got to me, and sent me right into panic mode. I was so scared that it would be seen and I wouldn't get out in time but luckily I did. Can't believe that made a story - how SAD. If that reporter is still following this thread I want you to know you made a really distressing situation much much worse, shame on you.
Thank you so much to everyone here who have given me the strength and courage to go through with this and all the amazing resources out there. I hope it can help other women too. I'm still in disbelief that I have found myself in this situation. Anyways, I need to try and sleep after what has felt like the longest day but thank you all again xxxxxx

OP posts:
xx900 · 12/01/2023 00:08

IneedanewTV · 11/01/2023 19:52

Worrying that we have not heard from the Op since this morning. I hope you are safe OP.

I'm out and safe - thank you x

LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF · 12/01/2023 00:12

Thanks for updating @xxp You've been so brave, well done. Look after yourself and hold your nerve ❤️

FarmGirl78 · 12/01/2023 02:13

OP, I'm so glad you're safe. Stay strong. The next few days/weeks/months may be hard, and you may be tempted to go back, because it's easier than starting from scratch. Please don't compare where you are now, compare where you'll be in 6 months, 12 months, 5 years..... Don't doubt yourself, lick your wounds, take time to find your new normal and just be kind to yourself. You have a brilliant future, without that arsehole, ahead of you. xx

And I'm so so angry at that muppet of a journalist..... He must be completely clueless! Here's my rant I've emailed to his editors...

Dear All,

Please could you have a serious word with your reporter Rafi Mauro-Benady?

Regarding his article "Woman told to 'run and don't look back' after partner of 12 years 'turns hot water off' and 'puts their pet cats out in snow for hours'".....is he absolutely insane? On what planet did he think that bringing attention to a scared and vulnerable women planning her escape was reasonable?

This wildly irresistible 'reporting' had the potential to have VERY serious implications for the lady involved. Details provided could have very easily led to the abuser identifying his partner and stopping her escape. Ultimately this could have resulted in sudden escalation of abuse or even death. Yes, the information was already in the public domain, but jeez, putting it out there triplefold on such a large scale is just plain foolish.

Please just have a word with him and explain the potential devastating outcome that was luckily avoided. This is a textbook case of irresponsible journalism and I'm beyond angry that someone with the power to publish to such a large audience would think this article was a good idea.

I suggest Mr Mauro-Benady is encouraged to spend some time volunteering at a domestic abuse charity or womens refuge. Actually, no, scrap that idea. He'd probably go giving the address out to everyone he met in the pub that night.

Regards,
FarmGirl

Chickmad · 12/01/2023 04:33

So glad you are safe @xxp ! Please come back if you need hand holding, pep talks or to vent in the future. Sadly too many of us have been where you are now. Love that your friends and family are so supportive. We always like to think that we hid anything wrong from them but invariably they knew and were waiting for us to gather our courage to leave.

@FarmGirl78 your email is fantastic!

tsunami · 12/01/2023 04:54

‘Mischance · 10/01/2023 22:31
I am not sure why you are asking. Pick yourself up and leave. Why should you even contemplate tolerating this?‘

  • I’m sure this is entirely kindly meant but it’s exactly what a lot of men - and the legal system, and even the police - say about women in domestic abuse situations. These people gaslight, pull the wool over your eyes, distort reality to the point you no longer know which way is up - it’s an indicator of how messed up he is (not the poor OP). I’m so sorry about the miscarriages but it’s a blessing you don’t have children with this messed-up guy. Trust your gut and make plans to escape, even if you have to start again from scratch, and - important, this - if he comes ‘crying’ back saying he can’t live without you don’t weaken.
tsunami · 12/01/2023 05:13

Oh: sorry. I came in a bit after the event, there… Just missed an entire chunk of the thread.

I hope you’re out and OK, OP. Please report back when you’re able.

Bit of a worry about the so-called ‘reporters’. I just followed the link and there are loads of MumsNet stories on there as ’news’. We’re password-protected so Mumsnet can probably come down on them for misappropriating content without permission, no? Does any lawyer know if MumsNet counts as being in the public domain?

Murdoch1949 · 12/01/2023 05:31

Well done! You have been very brave and acted promptly. Although I don't know you I feel very proud of a woman taking control of her (and cats!) life. Your new life will be much happier. Good luck.

Mummieslncorporated · 12/01/2023 06:06

Wow, I've just seen this thread.

Op, well done on getting away. You do not deserve to be treated like that. You might not have heard the last of him - don't give him any head space. Don't let him twist things and make you doubt yourself - you have absolutely done the right thing.

ImBlueDab · 12/01/2023 07:32

Well done op for getting put, you are stronger than you know

Zola1 · 12/01/2023 07:53

xxp · 12/01/2023 00:04

Hi everyone, so sorry for the lack of update. It's been a very overwhelming day and I ended up turning off my phone so I couldn't be reached. I have left, I packed up my most important belongings and of course my cats. It's been a very tough day, I feel so drained and sad but I know it will hopefully get better once I have time to process things. Family and work have been very supportive so that's made things a whole lot easier. That stupid journalist really got to me, and sent me right into panic mode. I was so scared that it would be seen and I wouldn't get out in time but luckily I did. Can't believe that made a story - how SAD. If that reporter is still following this thread I want you to know you made a really distressing situation much much worse, shame on you.
Thank you so much to everyone here who have given me the strength and courage to go through with this and all the amazing resources out there. I hope it can help other women too. I'm still in disbelief that I have found myself in this situation. Anyways, I need to try and sleep after what has felt like the longest day but thank you all again xxxxxx

You are amazing. You are so brave, well done for making a decision and sticking to it. I am in awe of your strength x enjoy the head space and take some time to decompress from that awful situation you have been living in.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/01/2023 08:10

You rock op.

You utter star. It's so brave and hard to do this.

This (your updates only!!) has put a smile on my face for the day.

One more woman breaking free from a vile man.

Alleycat1 · 12/01/2023 09:13

@FarmGirl78 Great e-mail. Please let us know if you get a response. Several of us have put in complaints so surely Rafi M-B will be reprimanded at least.

NewyearNewStartnomorejunk · 12/01/2023 10:42

I've only had stock response to the complaint. What a dick head.

Glad OP is out though.

elm26 · 12/01/2023 14:30

I'm so so glad to read your update OP.

Brighter days for you and your cats from here on out now you're away from the abuse.

Just one thing, please don't go back. Abusers hate losing control and he will do EVERYTHING to try and get you back and under his control again. Stand firm and strong.

Sending so much love x

NewyearNewStartnomorejunk · 12/01/2023 15:35

Anyone else had a reply to the complaint saying they need OP permission to raise it on her behalf?

ThreeRingCircus · 12/01/2023 16:01

OP. I'm glad you are out and somewhere safe. If you haven't already, make sure you withdraw half of the joint account savings. More if there's joint furniture etc in the house that you won't be able to get back.

Inform your bank that you have fled an abusive relationship and want to be removed from the joint account.

Set up an email account and inform your ex that all contact must be via that email and you will only discuss the severing of financial ties and sale of the house.

Solicitor appointment as soon as possible.

Keep records of everything, including texts or any other proof of his abuse. Log the past incidents with the police non emergency line.

Contact Women's Aid for advice and support.

Tell anyone that loves you or needs to know about his abuse. Abusers rely on the silence of their victims, you have done nothing wrong and people need to know what he is really like.

CircleofWillis · 12/01/2023 17:27

NewyearNewStartnomorejunk · 12/01/2023 15:35

Anyone else had a reply to the complaint saying they need OP permission to raise it on her behalf?

I think this excerpt from the OP's last message indicates how she feels about the article.

That stupid journalist really got to me, and sent me right into panic mode. I was so scared that it would be seen and I wouldn't get out in time but luckily I did. Can't believe that made a story - how SAD. If that reporter is still following this thread I want you to know you made a really distressing situation much much worse, shame on you.

Marigoldandivy · 12/01/2023 17:38

Poor you. He sounds deranged. I would not communicate at all with him about why you are going, just get out and be safe.

NewyearNewStartnomorejunk · 12/01/2023 17:40

Circleofwillis

I write further to our earlier email.

The concerns you have raised relate to the woman who shared the post on Mumsnet. Before we can proceed, can you confirm whether you are acting on behalf of the woman who shared the post on Mumsnet, with their knowledge and agreement?

If so, I would be grateful if you could arrange for the woman who shared the post on Mumsnet to send us written authorisation confirming their agreement to your acting on their behalf. This can be sent as an email from their email address, or otherwise they can sign a document which can be sent to us via post or scanned and sent via email. Please ensure that they indicate which complaint it refers to, if possible by mentioning our reference number, which is in the subject line of this email.

Excited101 · 12/01/2023 17:44

This is one of the most abusive things I’ve ever read on here. Well done for getting out op, but stay strong now- the hardest bit might be still to come.

good luck, we’re all rooting for you.